Existential Crisis & the Abyssian

  What freedom’s lie on the horizon of my life?

Staring at the screen, I find myself looking at such endless possibilities. Earlier tonight I focused a little bit on all of the things I have gone through to bring me to this point. There are, you see, many things that have made my life unique, personal, different and challenging. I wouldn’t trade places with anyone on this earth.

What am I searching for? Am I satisfied? No. I want more. Perfectionism? No. I know better. Contentment? Yes. That sounds great. As I look back, as I look forward, I realize that I’m aware of my past, but I cannot be obsessed with it.  I need to focus on the present. However, I am aware of the things in which I desire in the future. But nothing will get me there unless I’m conscious of what choices I make now. This is not me preaching, its me teaching only myself because ultimately, that’s all that really matters.  At this point, with all of my wandering thoughts, I can’t help but wonder, am I having an existential crisis?

Existential crisis – is a stage of development at which an individual questions the very foundations of their life: whether their life has any meaning, purpose or value; whether their parents, teachers, and loved ones truly act in their best interest; whether the values they have been taught have any merit; and whether their religious upbringing may or may not be founded in reality.

How is this happening? My over analytical mind is in over drive, but, isn’t it always? I have been informed that existential crisis may result in the sense of being alone and isolated in the world; or a new-found grasp or appreciation of one’s mortality; hum, very interesting… yes, these hit home for me right now.  But also, believing that one’s life has no purpose or external meaning.  I have had this crisis before yes, much more so in the last two years, but as for present moments, no, not so much.  It is also said that existential crisis may result in an awareness of one’s freedom and the consequences of accepting or rejecting that freedom.  Ah wow!! Post prison, I wake up everyday with a sense of ultimate freedom, appreciation for my freedom.  I appreciate all the things that I am free to do, things that we all have as American’s that sadly, so many of us take for granted. So sad…

What does it mean to truly be free?

Yes please!! Put me on a beach and my spirit is truly free!! I can feel free generally anywhere outside when I’m surrounded by the elements of the earth.  But freedom’s and what it truly means to be free is different for some people, I think.  Freedom is said to be; being able to make choices. Performing an action of your own choosing.  Freedom will always be relative to the environment/situation which you inhabit.  So, with all of the realities that I face, personally, in the life that I call mine, are my possibilities and said freedom’s freaking me out?

Shaming your freedom – You are the catalyst of your crisis, if that’s what you choose…

I sat with a dear friend a few nights ago and we talked about the reality of hard work.  There is this person in my life, who, let’s just say, has it real good.  She has it so good, in fact, that I could honestly compare her to living the ‘Kardashian life’.  I coin this term relatively speaking about a certain celebrity family who is all over TV and Hollywood.  They are only famous for their money, not their talent, as they don’t really have any.  I’m sure everyone knows the Kardashians. (I am a fan of the show, so don’t think I’m bagging on them, they just have it real good…)  They have it so good that their lives are a fantasy for the rest of us, hard-working people, and to think about living that life for just one day, seems too good to be true.  The person in my life that lives this way is a direct member of my family.  She doesn’t have to worry about a thing.  Her life consists of trips to the spa, mani’s and pedi’s, lunches and shopping, vacations and luxury homes, and spending thousands of dollars on beads and jewelry, just to name a few.  She doesn’t have to work and has a great husband who has provided this lovely life for her.  She is so well taken care of, living the life of up most luxuries, anything she wants, but she is the most ungrateful person I know.  Sadness strikes my heart listening to her say that, ‘she has nothing’.  How, I ask myself daily, how is she so blind to the blessings and freedoms that she has?

The Abyssian – A person undergoing an existential crisis and is in touch with the emptiness of life.  Hum… Let my mind wander on that for a minute…


There have been many up’s and down’s in my life.  Moments of true bliss, and also of utter sadness.  But I can say from experience that, when I am loving life, like I am at present time, then my life sure does love me right back.  I don’t point a finger, or look to others for reasons of either unhappiness or for reasons of happiness.  I have found it within… for now… and I’m holding on to it!!  My opportunities are great.  I am facing realities that are pulling me in different directions, so my existential crisis, has me consciously aware that I an in touch with my soul, because if I wasn’t, there would be no need for the crisis of existence to begin with.  I am facing these realities as a direct result of the awareness of my freedom’s, so I’ll embrace that, instead of fear it…

That is all for now…

~ Jen


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