Catalyst.

I am a catalyst… I am the ultimate reason for anything that happens in my life.  I am the door that opens things, the bridge that brings things together, the road in which I get to other places, and I am the voice that brings others attention my way.  I am the catalyst for all things good and bad.

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Sometimes I feel like I am being pulled in a million different directions.  Pulled away from the things that I really want to be focusing on, and I’m completely distracted by a million other things.  When those things start to get in the way, I have to ask myself, what is this really worth..?  But I have to admit, that it was me who gave my time and attention to these certain things, these distractions, the opening of certain doors, the leader down other roads.  If it wasn’t for me and my acknowledging these things that come and go, in and out of our lives, the distractions, then they would never exist at all.  It’s like when you are told something by someone, that thought only becomes validated if you believe in it as well.  Otherwise, it’s just words coming out of someone’s mouth.

I see myself on this path.  There are things that I know I want and I even know what I need to do to get there… but I’m distracted.  My past gets in the way a lot.  Even if it’s just bringing up certain fears or doubts.  People get in the way too.  People ask things of me, or remind me of things that I am so determined to move past and away from.  And one of my biggest challenges in life has been using the word ‘NO’ and being able to use it at the right moments.  I get pulled in a lot of different directions just because I have failed to tell people ‘NO’, and look how far that has gotten me!  Life is full of daily distractions.  Some of these things are just my daily responsibilities at work or at home.  I even get distracted by my dreams.  My dreams are so vivid and intense that I wake up feeling like I literally lived, or re-lived, the things I just dreamed about.  My subconscious haunts me, it does, but I choose to listen to it very carefully because I understand that that part of my mind is always honest about the things that I’m feeling inside, things like fear, doubt, sadness or joy, and knowing how to listen to my subconscious has helped me understand myself in a much more clear way.  i realize that I have been the catalyst for many thing in my life that I have gone searching for answers, when all along, they were right inside of me.  If I find myself off the beaten path and distracted, it’s my own fault for placing myself there.

But what if my biggest distraction is really me?  Ok, so, I understand that I am a catalyst, but what if I play both parts.  Both the catalyst and the distraction?  What if, if I really want to be honest, I am the number one reason that I may be stuck, idol, in a certain place and not moving forward!?!  Sure, I can point out that there are outside forces pulling me this way, pulling me that way, but really, if I choose to give them the time and attention, then it’s really my fault.  So by allowing myself to become distracted and pulled away from the more important things in my life, I have become the catalyst to my distractions.  I am the reason they are even there in the first place.

When I think of all the huge, the monumental, even the painful and the detrimental things that have happened in my life, there is one common denominator… me.  This kind of realization can be a lot to take in, but it’s also very therapeutic in the same sense.  Think about all the time I could have saved if I only had to seek inside myself for all of these answers.  The moment when I became truly honest with myself about the things that have taunted and tormented me in my mind, in my experiences, it the moment the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders… only then, when I realized that I played a responsible part in everything in my life, did I get a sense of integrity and with that integrity, I began to move forward…

217720963205948035_YyqcJf8C_b  Doors will open, leading us in to the new… will I be the catalyst for the things that present themselves..

Yes, things in my life can be very distracting, but only because I allow them to be.  I am the catalyst…

204421270555652236_wjUcbCwD_b  Just as these hills of rolling green, seem to go on forever… my internal desire to understand my purpose in life does as well.  Playing the entire cast in my life, the student, the teacher, the role model, the disaster, the reason why (catalyst), the distraction,  the weak one, and the strong… among many others, the forgiven, the judge, the cruel and the kind… I think that in some way, I will never really have it all figured out, I will always be learning because my purpose in life will change with time… that is all for now.

~ Jen

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