It is a brand new year! This is the time when we get to put away all of the
shit things of last year that we did, things that we didn’t do, things we regret doing, yada yada yada… and start fresh! It’s the exordium of 2013! (Exordium is a fancy way to say ‘a beginning of something’… It’s one of my fav. fancy words) And with the fresh new start of this year, it’s also the exordium of many other things as well, hence why the title of this piece is non-specific. I am embracing this new year big time! I am so glad that last year is over and in my rear-view mirror, I can’t even explain it in words! I’m so glad it’s over! It is time for a fresh start and new beginnings!
There are a few things that I’d like to keep in mind as I move forward through this new year. I cannot forget where I came from. That is very important to me. I need not dwell in my past, but I must not forget it! My past experiences are my life’s teaching tools and they have all brought me to where I am today, and have shaped me into who I am today… and…I really love the soul inside of me, I really do. Also I must remember to practice the virtues that got me through the roughest parts of last year, and those are; forgiveness, humility, patience and faith. As I walked back into the world in which I was once a drowning soul, I was armed with these virtuous things, and I continue to practice them daily, or each chance I can get. I know that I will never master them, but the more I exercise them, the more dominant in my life they will be, and having a strong presence of those four virtues in my life is very important to me. Finally, I will remember to stop and smell the roses! by this I mean, in my life, it seems like I have always moved very quickly. In times when I was very productive and alive, I was, well, very productive and I did not spend enough time enjoying the ‘here and now’. When I was, on the inside, I read some great books on the ‘here and now’, mostly the Buddhist beliefs on life and I was really inspired. I learned that even though my eyes have been open, my eyes were never really open. (I have touched base on this before in my blog.. ) How many things have I already lived through or experienced in which I barely remember, or even forgot completely? Yes! I need to stop and smell the roses! Slow down! Enjoy my moments, because as a very wise man once said, “There are no ordinary moments”. (Dan Millman, Author and my inspirational guru)
New beginnings for me this year mark a very pivotal point in my life. I have lost someone this last year, and my life will never be the same. So, fresh start, new beginning, all of this end of the year, and on to the next marks a big change for me. I lost my brother last June. My little brother and I were best friends, yes, we were life partners! We were two years apart, we did everything together as kids and as adults, we spoke about everything. People have come into our lives, and they have left, but by brother always had his sister, and I always had my brother.
My brother is gone.
Sometimes I still can’t wrap my head around those four little words… four little words with life changing-monumantal meaning and consequence. This year I get to look forward to attending the murder trial of the P.O.S, excuse me, the individual who shot and killed my brother. What will I feel in those moments? What will it be like to be in the same room with the person who took a person who was a part of me, who was a piece of my heart, someone who I was not yet finished making memories with…? I will practice those virtues because in those moments, I will need them. (…and also strength, courage, and kindness…)
It is the exordium of my life. I have just celebrated ten months of sobriety, and I look forward to my one year mark. (This month will be eleven!) I just keep loving the me that I forgot about for so long. Yes, there are many parts of my life that feel so great, sheesh I have missed myself! But then, am I allowed to be super happy in those moments, I mean, with my brother gone, sometimes my happiness makes me feel very guilty. These are things I’m sure I will understand better in time, but for right now, with my great loss still so fresh, it’s all so difficult and confusing.
That is great advice Buddha! I can remember many times when I sold myself short. I can also tell of times when I never even began at all, in fear of failure, or loss, or rejection… How will I ever know if I don’t start? It is the exordium of many things for me. Life is so unpredictable… it is such a paradox. That is all for now…
~ Jen Lefever