Silently Suffocating


It is just one of those days where none of the pieces fit right…

It’s been a while since I’ve woken up to greet my day, and found myself in my bathroom with tears rolling down my face. The frustrating part of it is… I can’t really put my finger on why I feel like I’ve come undone…? I sat there, with the bathroom door closed, and just let myself cry. Mental confusion, yes, I seem to be all lost up in my mind. I miss my brother, that part of me that I’ve always had no matter what, is gone. The pain of that is too much sometimes. I live with a permanent hole in my heart, the part where my brother used to be…

Then I started questioning my happiness. I seem to be in this place where I feel like I’m not moving forward. I really dislike this place. I have written about the life of the ‘Standard American’ (I’d add its link but I really haven’t figured it out… I need not beat myself up about that, how dumb I feel…) and in that piece, like today, I feel the very same. I am not the nine to five. While I work this job and schedule with responsibility and accountability, still, it’s not me. I am wild and free in my soul, and right now, I’m trapped. I am trapped in this city and going nowhere. I feel tired and lethargic most of the time because I’m fighting this, using all my strength, pushing to get somewhere and I end up in the same place as before… I have gone nowhere. I have a mind full of dreams, things I want to do, things I want to create, places I want to see. And I’m not doing any of those things. I feel like I’m stuck… I am silently suffocating…

They call this being ‘in a rut’. Maybe so, but what confuses me is this; if I know what I want and I know what I need, then why am I stuck in this place, in this rut? I do know those things, what I need and want, but what is holding me back from moving forward? Am I afraid of defeat? Am I afraid of failure? Have I slipped back to a place of negative internal dialogue? I know that I’m my hardest critic, but when I look back at the last six months, I have moved forward quite a bit. My life has changed immensely with eleven months of sobriety and all of the wisdom’s and lessons learned from the inside. Then suddenly, I hit the wall again. And I find myself, lost, and my soul is silently suffocating…

Lost and lost, up in my mind… today I cannot seem to find, the answer I am looking for. It’s just one of those days where none of the pieces fit right. For years I have written about how this city has defeated me, how this city has been the catalyst of my own demise, how this city has streets like quicksand, how easily I have been stuck, lost, struck down, and beaten by this very place and all the complicated escalations of its society… and then, the light came. I could breathe again and I could feel my soul. The words of hope and prosperity poured out of me on to the pages of my books and on to the pieces written on this screen, and it all felt so good. I understand that everyday is not sunshine and roses, but those days are certainly better than days like this, where my heart hurts for someone who I will never get to see until my time here is done, where tears fall from my eyes first thing in the morning, and that is a very sad way to start the day. Where I know where I need to go, but I feel like I may never get there, or I really don’t know how… defeated. Deep inside I know that I’m stronger than this, but this humbles me because even the strong have days when this life can bring you to your knees. Today, I am on my knees… lost and lost… aching for my soul to shine… finding myself… stuck in this city, silently suffocating until I see the moon and I know this day is over.

~ Jen


2 responses to “Silently Suffocating

  1. I have days like this way too often. I have figured out (in my circumstance at least) that I have hidden my motivation, and my wants and wishes so deeply inside of me, that even though I know they are there I can’t seem to bring them to the surface and let them out. Hopefully someday you get to where you want to be and out of the rut. Hopefully someday soon 🙂

    • Yes.. that day was that way. I have days like that that come & go, but it never lasts long. I was out of it & back to normal Jen the next day! Not everyday is smoothe.. not everyday am I sunshine & optimism.. but I am more than not! I think we all have bum days. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t. It always helps writing about it! Thank you for reading.. I didn’t get a follow notice from you so I appreciate your comments very much! ~j

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