The January Journal.
January 1, 2013 –
With the start of anything, I’m always predicting how things will be in my mind. These are just some thought’s in January to put in my Tryst Journal… It’s the first day of the new year. Last year seems like a bad dream when I think about it. There was a lot of loss in my life last year. I have had to leave some things behind, someone who has always been a part of me. As I miss my brother more and more everyday, the time that goes by without him doesn’t get easier. I must accept that he is gone, or I will never move forward. This is a year of big change for me… there are a lot of things that I want to do. I know myself, though, I’m already getting overwhelmed by looking at everything as a whole, and not one thing at a time. If I were to set a New Years Resolution, it would be to break patterns, habits, and try new approaches to everything! Everything! It’s a ‘New’ year resolution for a reason… do something NEW!!
January 11, 2013 –
My day was frustrating and difficult. After the roller coaster of last year, I can say with much conviction that, there is some healing to be done and a mountain to climb. I am not at the bottom, however, but I have a long way to go. When the emotions of a family are all on the rocks, due to the tragic loss of one of its members, maintaining a rational attitude 100% of the time is unrealistic. I am learning about the stages of grief. Anger is the one that is the most difficult for me to accept. I am not an angry person, not at all. Maybe sensitive at times, fragile, gullible, yes many other things, but angry? No. I’m not the angry girl. So, when I feel this anger, I almost get angry that I’m angry. Here’s what’s going on… I am trying to stay calm and positive all the time, and this is not that difficult, but when I feel hurt or sad at the loss of my brother and that hurt and sadness turns to anger, aren’t I allowed to feel the pain and get the angry shit out?!?! My mom is going through this… My dad is much more passive and keeps things as internal as possible, as I believe is quite common for men, and then there is me. We are all just trying to do the very best we can, and sometimes a day comes along that is harder than the rest. It’s life, right? It’s dealing with loss, and grief, right? It’s not supposed to be easy…
January 17th, 2013 –
I am exploring myself this week. I have been writing a lot and sharing some pieces that are very personal, close, and dear to my heart. Pieces that I wrote last spring when I was on the inside. Wow, how the time is flying.. I have been learning of some new creative writing outlets and I’m excited to write a poetry duet with a blogging friend. These things are good for me, as I always feel up-lifted when I’m using my creative side.
January 18th, 2013 –
I have been, screaming on the inside, and numb and frozen on the outside. I feel a little trapped, in my routine, and it’s not a routine that makes my soul truly satisfied. So… what should I do…? Take the necessary steps towards what I want/need… but what are those steps..? I feel like I really don’t even know yet. This makes me claustrophobic, and restless. In my blog exploration, I found someone who wrote on this very subject, you can find her piece right here, in a well-rounded blog titled Passionwritting. Anyway, I did not have a good night last night. I spent some time thinking about what I need to do to move towards obtaining at least one of my goals… and I just ended up overwhelming myself! I need to alleviate some of this stress and anxiety! I checked with the City Events Calender on-line and got all kinds of information on upcoming events here in the city. I plan to busy myself with all kinds of things that are different, or out-side my normal box… I have to. I need a change. I’m screaming to get out…
…As January is nearing its end, and the first month of 2013 is already over… What have I done to honor my resolution?
Start eating healthier, cooking at home more, taking vitamins, getting regular sleep, maintaining balance between work and relaxing, and get into a yoga class! These are my January goals and main focus points! Get my health on.. ~J