The Shadow of my Addict

This piece… is very intense. I wrote this sometime ago, trying to put into words what addiction feels like… to bring some kind of understanding to a person who is not suffering from this terrible disease. It is a craving of the mind, in which, we hate to love, and it loves to hate us. This is what heroin addiction was like for me.

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The Shadow of my Addict

                                                                                                                              

                                                                                                                              

 

 Again & again

I fear what will come

Darkness, Desperate and Starving

For you to leave

Taunting me

Toying with my mind

You never stop

Until you own my soul

Frail and Vulnerable

You create out of me

Pulling my light out

I beg to be free

The way I hate you

Is unexplainable

From the pit of my heart

To the bottom of my soul

Yet I continue to give

And you never know

A day will come

I’ll give no more strength to you

You have beaten

You have battered

You have bruised me so bad

You are the wish I wish I never had

My spirit no longer wants

To belong to you

You fucked with me

Until I turned blue

You enjoy watching

The delicate seed

Fall at your feet

And tragically bleed

You are the curse

That no one needs

Yet the devoted addict

Continues to feed

~~ J. Lefever ~~

(02/28/12)

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25 responses to “The Shadow of my Addict

  1. fabulously written..one can only understand the pain of an addict…very marvelously written…hope u have recovered from it..!

    • I will celebrate one year in Feb. It’s a very proud day for me… Thank you for your words. They mean so much to me. It’s a big deal for me to publish this stuff.. exposing my weakness, my vulnerability.. but I’m getting more brave the more time I have in recovery. Thank you for visiting me.. I’m happy to have you on Tryst! ~ Jen

    • Wow. Thank you! Your kind support & prayers are grately appreciated! I will celebrate one year clean from heroin in February. I keep going, everyday gets better & better! Thank you. ~ Jen

    • Yes! Definitely! That can easily be done for me too.. You will see in the writing I do about heroin, how I refer to it as ‘her’, as a person. Heroin addiction is like a bad marriage. You are likerally ‘married’ to the drug. The drug is like a selfish person who abuses the shit out of you, so long as you have it around. The drug comes before anyone or anything else. You choose it over food with your last $50 bucks. It is the first thing you think of in the morning, it is the only thing you worry about all day long, it is the last thing you think of at night. When I think about heroin, I relate it to a woman though, not a man. I don’t really know why, but that’s just how it happens in my mind. Miss heroin had quite the effect on me… the things I write about her are not very pretty. I am SO grateful to be out of that disfunctional relationship! I am a happy woman sober, that’s for sure! (Except I literally feel every emotion, like normal people do, but for so long I was numb to my emotion because I was high all the time… which makes some days very hard to feel the loss of Dave.. 😦

    • It is… very hard. We don’t ask to be addicts. It just happens one day and it sucks. It’s spiritually suffocating (as I have written before) Thank you for coming by Tryst! Come find me any time! Your work is wonderful too! ~ Jen

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