Beautifully Broken

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Beautifully Broken

 
 

 
Inside a shell
You can find me hiding
I hate myself
I’m alive, but lying
Some do say
As they look right at me
That I am fake
As they judge what they see
If you listen
To my timid voice
As I hide myself
I do this by choice
Because I’m so lost
And I hate what I know
The little bit of me
I chose not to show
For as long as I can remember
My secrets had to hide
Told not to be me
Told I have no pride
So inside a shell
Or behind a wall
I hide my all
To prevent my fall
As a child I wandered
Alone in my life
No place seemed to fit
Nothing felt right
So as I grew
I lost every bit of I
Now a grown woman
Identity lost in a high
Of that, you see
I found narcotic charms
Comfortably numb
With heroin in my arms
So to this day
Brought forth to you
I’m terrified to be seen
I remain hidden in all that I do
Cause if I come out
Of that shell I know
And don’t seem to fit
Behind my walls I go
I’ve been raised without a voice
Invisible, never spoken
Who am I really
Except beautifully broken
 
~~ J. Lefever ~~
 
(05/14/12)
 
 
Another piece from the ‘inside’. I was going through a lot of things… identity crisis, loneliness, homesickness… & some anger and denial. In all of this, I see these words I wrote… the darkness that I created in my own life, & I was the only one to blame. I was never broken, or needed to be fixed… I just forgot who I was for a while. I just was a little lost. I was terrified to talk about my addiction, the thought of being honest about it paralyzed me. I was incapable of admitting that I was weak, and couldn’t just stop. I hated the fact that the drug made me lose self control. It is an awful feeling not having control over something, not being able to say NO, or I QUIT!  I didn’t let anyone in on these things and as a result, I hit the bottom… but also at that bottom, did I find myself again and finally woke up.
 
 
 
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10 responses to “Beautifully Broken

    • Oh yes.. like everyday.. it’s like a dream of mine.. oh I have been writing since I could hold a pencil.. (small exaggeration) but most of my life.. it’s a part of my soul.. it’s who I am.. I write, you know! I have 3 book’s I’m writing, and my poetry, well I’ve thought about that too, I have 2 manuscripts all ready to go… but… I don’t really know where to take them..? I don’t think my stuff is good enough.. and I say that b/c I really think that, I read other’s work, yours, miss hasty.. and.. I just.. I don’t think it’s publishable work.

      • You are so much better than me. You should consider it. My husband has a novel coming out next month. Then I am going to try and publish my poetry. I really think you should!

      • What! Wow.. such a compliment.. You are such a wonderful writer D. I am so glad to have connected with you, to read, to share, and to talk back N forth! I will see if… maybe… a piblisher is interested in my work 🙂 Thank you for the confidence! ~ Jen

      • I have been told that it’s quite easy to self publish. But I haven’t researched it myself. I’d like to know more about it for sure! I would buy your book if you were published! Thank you again for the kind words and for enjoying my pieces. If I can touch or move just one person, then I an fulfilled! ~J

  1. Jen – I would love to read everything you have. Everything. And I’ve published three books, which are actually two books and the third a compilation. I had help and advice from a friend. (I think Hasty should compile a few books of poetry too!)

    There’s a lady at work who wrote books, published them, had a blog and everything – but I couldn’t bring myself to tell her about mine, one because my content is totally not serious all the time, and two because I wasn’t ready for people at work to know things about me. But she also has told me a great many things about getting books published. My blogosphere is a talented and creative bunch of people who I am in awe of, and that’s why I go out and find new poets and romanticists all the time. I’m impressed by them. But I’ll be honest – Hasty is the best, in my opinion, but I’m completely impressed by your writing too, and your duets blow me away. So moving.

    Hello, this comment has gone on for a while. So, how’s the weather? LOL
    Where do you live, generally? I’m in Ohio.

    • Oh my goodness. I am…. so honored by what you said. I don’t think my writing is the best, in fact, when I read the other poems you post from all the other writers on Romantic Monday’s and Saturday Poetry posts, I am slightly imtimidated because I just don’t think my stuff even compares.. not in the same league. I don’t know how to show my grattitude and appreciation to you for including my work on your fantastic site! Thank you a million times!

      To be published is my greatest dream… my heart would die a very happy woman if I could be a real writer, and write for a living. I love to write. I love it so much! I write everyday, I have countless books and journals, 2 manuscripts of poetry complied and nicely put together, and 3 books I’m working on. 2 memoirs and 1 work of fiction. I also write short stories. Since I’m a Chef, I also write some mean food/beverage/restaurant reviews because I’ve worked in industry for 16 years and have an advanced palate for someone my age, I believe. (I am 31)

      Hasty is, just, wow! I agree! And I love what we write together!
      I live in Kansas City, MO. But I also lived in Salt Lake City for 5 years in college. I went to the University of Utah. I also lived in Deleware for a short time. I like to re-locate, as I touched base on in my free write today. I miss the mountains, but I’m thinking beach is what’s nest for me.. I am very inspired by the beauty of the Earth’s elements! ( I’m a little Buddha, a little zen, free spirit kinda girl… I also make jewelry and paint. I can strum a guitar… but need more practice before I’d ever play for someone!! Misic is a big part of my spirit too. Music is art, it is poetry, music says exactly what you need to hear sometimes, when you can’t find the words yourself. Music can really speak to you, it does to me everyday)

      Yes, I’ve written you a book in my last three replies.. sorry:)
      ~Jen

      PS.. I’d be honored to share all my work with you, and I take criticism well.. so don’t hesitate!! I have been busy with work and haven’t read your ‘naughy’ piece, but it’s on my to-do list. And I always get my to-do’s done!! I’m a keeper of my word.

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