Losing All My Focus – A free Write


Losing all my focus…   (A Free write) (01/30/13)

 How do I get back to ME.. the ME that I’m so desperately trying to become.. I feel like I’m completely off-balance!

 Things have been hard this past week. I have really been feeling the hole in my heart, the place where my little brother, who was 6’6” and not little at all but always made me feel safe and protected, used to be. I hate to even type those words and have to stare at them on the screen because that makes them just that much more real. I miss him… it hurts so bad… these words do this feeling I’m suffering from absolutely no justice. None.

 Pain is certainly immeasurable. You just can’t measure a persons pain. My mom thinks she is suffering the worst, then my dad thinks that he had the most pain, and then there is me, who cries all the time for her kid brother, partner in life who is gone, and I think that my pain is the greatest, I think I have lost and am suffering the most. The truth is, we all are. It’s all painful for all of us.. and it’s making us all a little crazy. All i our own little ways, but we……. are helpless……. we can’t……. bring our Dave back……. This is killing me.

 I don’t write this tidbit for sadness and sympathy. Of course, any support is so greatly appreciated, but I do not play the ‘victim’, poor me, feel sorry for me. I hate that shit! In truth, I don’t want the attention… I want my brother back! I want this hole to feel normal again, so I can find my balance! I am so off-balance! I work a full-time job, I write on Tryst, and read a little.. but this week, I’m really struggling with where I am going. I look in the mirror and, question the eyes looking back at me. Of course, I describe my emotions well in my poetic pieces, but life can’t be all poetry! I need to get up and go somewhere…

 That’s just it!

I am searching for some inspiration and motivation and I’m not finding it here. Why? And how do I know this? I know because I have not just lived in one city my whole life. Nope. I have lived in two other places one East & one West. I think I need a relocation… soon… I wonder how Jake will take this when I bring up the subject matter over dinner this evening..? He may say, ‘Again with this Jen.. Whatever you’re searching for is right inside of you. It has nothing to do with your surroundings!’ …

 Something for me to really think about today…

 ~ J. Lefever




4 responses to “Losing All My Focus – A free Write

  1. Grief is a strange thing, sometimes it smacks you over the head and other times it creeps up on you. But the wonderful thing is that you got to know him and love him. There is nothing better than that. I am sending love and peaceful thoughts your way. I know it will never be easy but it will feel different eventually. Now he is looking out for you from the other side.


  2. Yea, there are all these stages of grief, I’m learning, like sadness, to anger, etc. And it does creep.. at times I’m so happy talking about the many awesome memories, then other times I’m so sad… Everyday I wake up and start over, fresh, but things have just been really hard this past week. I can’t seem to get through this emotion.. it weighs heavy on my heart. Thank you so much for your kindness! You are such a beautiful persom Becca! XoXo ~ J

  3. I find lots of inspiration in metaphors. I also sometimes do this thing where I sit in darkness and quiet, no phones or any other devices, no distractions, eyes closed, for 10 minutes. It sort of resets my mind. I also walk 40 minutes a day during work, and that gets me thinking all sorts of things.

    But don’t forget anything. Write it all down, even if you never publish it. It’s important. I’ve used the metaphor of getting feelings out of you and onto the page, and then you can feel the page when you choose, and control it and everything, rather than have it control you.

    • The 10 minute meditation you speak of is something I’ve done too. I actually go to the Buddhist temple here in the city to meditate. They have meditations lead by a Buddhist who will do some chanting and then chimes the ‘bowl’ thing like the monks do in monistaries. The temple has red silk pillows to sit on, incense burning, long beautiful silks from Tibet hanging everywhere with pictures of the Dali Lama while you sit bare fool to meditate.

      This practice is good to clear the mind and just ‘be’. The practice of being ‘still’ and focusing on the ‘now’ is one of the things I really love, respect and enjoy about the Buddhism. Our minds are so cluttered, with all kinds of things: work, finances, bills, family, health, past pain, grief or trauma, marriage or children, all kinds of stresses, and on & on… I couldn’t agree with you more!

      From this free write, I clearly demonstrate my mind full of clutter (hint: up-coming daily reflection) … meditation takes practice. Its quite challenging to sit quietly and be still while you let go of everything on your mind to concentrate on clear present awareness. But its a wonderfully beneficial gift to give yourself & work on, not just for the mind… but for the body & spirit as well! ~ Jen.

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