I Will Cry

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The world stopped moving.

I cannot breathe.

I drive down the street, like I’m in a trance.

Tears roll down my cheeks.

I talk to him, to my brother, my other half, my best friend, my life partner, my kid, baby little brother, who, once was little, then grew to be 6 inches taller than me in like one summer. I am 6′ feet tall so, yea, he was me little-big brother.

Dave was protective of me.

Now I’m all alone.

Now he is gone.

Where is he?

Can he hear me?

Can he see me?

Is he in heaven?

Is heaven really real?

Is it pretty there…?

………………………………………….I scream his name.

I scream it loud in the car when I drive.

Crying.

Sobbing, I scream.

It doesn’t matter.

He can’t hear me.

He is gone……………..where is he?

There is a hole in my heart.

This place where Dave has always been.

That place is still his, but…………I need my brother.

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I wasn’t finished.

I wasn’t finished making memories with him, laughing with him, arguing with him, annoying him…

He was my favorite person.

He was smart, so smart, so smart that I felt half retarded around him…

He was funny, so funny, people loved him

He was respectful of others, of women, old fashioned kind of manners when it came to women.

I loved that about him.

Dave would do things, like empty his closet of all his expensive clothes on Christmas Eve, and drive downtown and give his nice jeans, shirts, hoodies and shoes to the homeless. He would do this, and not tell anyone. He did it, for no other reason, than a selfless one.

But I knew…

Dave would give, and has given his last $10 bucks to a stranger, or a friend in need…

He was shot by someone trying to rob him of his money.

Dave would have given that person his money, but that person just shot him and ran.

Didn’t even give Dave a change to reach into his pocket.

And now my brother is gone, and I won’t ever get to see him again.

I hurt so bad inside.

Words do this feeling no justice.

None.

Yin-yang.

That was me and Dave.

One is not right without the other.

Now what?

I will watch mom and dad grow old, without my brother here to help me.

I will watch my mom cry over her son’s death certificate.

I will watch my dad weep for his son.

I will scream his name everyday, so loud, in my car, or anywhere that I find myself all alone.

I will wear his big t-shirts around my house and talk to him like he’s here, or a phone call away.

I will tell stories of him to people, repeating over and over how great he was, and how I wish they could have met him.

I will bake him cakes on his birthday and make him chicken fingers because that was his favorite.

I will listen to his music, he produced music for local artists here in KC, some tracks had him on it, I play those on repeat because I like to hear his voice.

I don’t want to ever forget his voice.

I will look at our pictures, all the pictures of him, of us, until my tears run dry.

I will light off as many fire works on the fourth of July, for him because that was his favorite holiday, well besides Christmas, so at Christmas

I will write to him, I’ll write to him all the time anyway.. I already have letters, even though I have nowhere to send them, I still write to him

And I’ll cry hard asking what I’m going to do to make this pain go away…

I will never stop crying.

Will I ever stop crying for him?

Will I ever feel alive again?

Dave, I…..Miss……you

…..so…..much….it…..hurts

I love you. I will love you till my dying breath. I will love you after that.

Will I ever see you again

When my time here is finished, will I see you then

I need you

Come home

Come home

Come home

I don’t know what else to say right now….

It hurts so bad

~ Sis

I will always cry for you…

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

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27 responses to “I Will Cry

  1. Thank you.

    I hate telling this story. I dont want to tell it. I don’t want it to be real. I done want people to be sad for me. I hate all that shit… but… really… I need to talk… I need to tell… I need to cry… so I do. I do. I jus… miss him real bad. Bad..

    Thanks D. ~ jen

  2. my heart goes out to you.. may be u do not like sympathy..but sometimes, it is okay to talk to ppl as it will help u fill the void…the good memories that u have will help u in movin on further ahead….

  3. Wow, Jen. I’m so sorry. I have no idea what to even say. There’s nothing really to say. Just know that your brother had to have loved you just as much as you loved him. And have faith that you two will be reunited someday. Somehow.

      • Oh my.. I’m terribly sorry. I believe it.. I believe I will never get over this really.. I fall apart a lot. Cry a lot.. it’s……so painful. We were so close…. He literally was everything to me.. I’m like a lost soul now..

      • I’m sorry to hear that. I’ve been unlucky in so many ways, but one way I’ve truly been lucky is that I’ve never lost anyone that close to me. I can’t imagine the pain associated with it, nor the devastation it will wreak. Again, if you ever need a friendly ear, Jen, you can have mine. But not to keep, I’ll need it back. 😉

      • I never knew that anything could hurt this much. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy… if I even had one (Well, except for the P.O.S. that took my brother from me)… Thank you. Those of you I have connected with through writing and blogging and of course, Tryst World, I love and need you all! You are all so important to me.. ~Jen

      • It’ll inevitably happen to me. I know it will, but right now I cannot identify with this type of loss. Again, if you need someone to listen….you know how to get a hold of me.

  4. The beauty of pain is that there was enough love to cause it. I know that seems awful but it keeps me going when I can’t do anything to change it. Your love and his love were real and without ever having that love you would never feel this pain. Just don’t let it undo you because he wouldn’t want that for you. I imagine him watching you wishing you would rejoice in the beauty you shared 🙂 I get it though the emptiness, the unfairness…..it makes me very very sad and I send you hugs.

    • Thank you so much.. I need the hugs. This night, the night I wrote this, I was having one of those nights where the hole for hin, for Davey, just ached so bad. It happens that way sometimes, sometimes it just hurts so bad and all I can do is cry. I really dont like writting about it because I don’t know how to put into words what I’m feeling, and I don’t like people to feel sorry for me.m How do I seperate sincere support from pity? ~J

      • You can’t…because whether it is support or pity your mind won’t comprehend either one enough to really help. This is a pain that only your own heart can heal…and when I say heal I mean stop the hemorrhaging…because you will always have a wound. Since I believe in God, for me, it always comes back to me leaning on his strength. But regardless it is hard no matter what. If it helps I see strength in your words…as hard as they are for you to find…

      • Ah, well that is really sweet to say. I had a session with my counselor today and she told me the same thing, (she reads on Tryst) … I know it’s in there, strength that is. Like I said in my mid-day reflection today, I am just so appreciative for you, and those who I’ve shared words with here in Tryst world and on other sites. (I said, some more closely than others, i.e. you) I love how I found support and kindness and frienship here, in a place where I wasn’t looking, such a cool surprise! A sweet perk! I never would have thought Tryst to be such the comfort that it is, and everyone who is a part of it. 🙂

  5. What plugin do you utilize to manage the social buttons?

    Do you add those by hand or what? Every single one I have
    experimented with doesn’t work and results in a broken page. I’m sure I’m doing something completely wrong.

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