I Quite Literally Don’t Know ~ A Free Write on Tryst

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A Free Write ~

 As time passes on, I feel much better knowing that I keep moving forward. But then I think of how it has been said that history repeats itself. It’s kind of true… I mean, looking at the events of this world, society, people, leaders, mis-haps, movies, literature, war, religion, politics, cultural & world events, contests, performances, and so on… There is some repetitiveness in life as we know it. For the controversial subjects as war, religion and politics, I pass on getting deep into those at this moment. But for other things, as much as we say we learn, move forward, forgive, what not… As much as we say that we don’t repeat the same mistake twice, because we’ve learned from our past, how does history still have a way of repeating itself?

Once I fall, for whatever the reason may be, I learn, gather my new wisdom’s, get the fuck back up, and go on with m life. I say, well I’ll never do that again, and for most things, that is true. Where I seem to have some noticeable repetition is in the more sensitive matters, like matters of the heart. Is it that those are just harder to change? Harder to adjust to? Do matters of the heart, that are not good for us, or me I should say, seem to be such a difficult challenge and almost impossible for me to change? I’m speaking in reference to relationships. Relationships of love, with a significant other. I’m not talking about friendships. That’s another free write, I suppose…

I have a history of not-so-good relationships. Funny, because it’s not like I can say, oh how un-lucky am I for not getting a great relationship every single time. I can’t say that because relationships are not pre-determined for us and selected, and handed to us at the appropriate times in our lives. No. We choose the one’s we decide to be with, calling us a couple, making a life together. Now, there is another flip to this coin, I say we choose our loves, but it’s really our hearts that do the growing of the fondness. This is true, but whether good or bad, we are in control of our lives, with having free will and all, so we also have the choice to end something, if it is not in our best interests. In some ways, we do have the power to control and choose, but in others, we don’t.

Healing from a broken heart hurts. No matter how good or bad the relationship. The ‘end’ of something is always hard. Why? Because it means change. And change is new, different, uncomfortable, and if it is a chosen change, we adjust easier, but if it’s a forced change, the road back to life seems much more a unomfortable pain in the ass. In my history of not-so-good relationships, I’m not sure why I chose the way I did, and why I rationalized things in my mind the way I did, but I imagine that it all was meant for something, some big lesson, or understanding that I may or may not ever understand. Why do some of us learn by much harder, massively emotional, even traumatic lessons, and others, float through life, untouched by the darknesses hands, unharmed by loves twist of pain, unaffected by the broken side of damage… and yet, some of us, get a heavy helping of these kind of experiences and realities.

So many questions I do have, all the time too. I am full of words tonight. I really sat down to write some kind of funny, or passionate fiction, but a free write is what happened. Isn’t life so unpredictable? As for a free write, love? Really Jen? Something so lovely, something we want, desire and crave all the same, yet, that very thing we want also comes with so much pain, heartache and with lies and deceit, broken promises… We will map out our entire futures when we have a new and exciting love. Falling in love is so much fun. Never entertaining the idea, the what-if, the fact of reality that this may not be the one forever. No, in the beginning we never think that. We fall in love, or fall in love with the idea of falling in love. If that is the case, then it’s not really love that has fallen, it is love that is forced, and in my experience, that kind of love is very bad for the soul.

We want what we want when we want it. Yes, I said that right. Read that sentence twice if you need to. It’s true, huh? One of life’s many paradoxes is just that. We want to be in control of everything, but we also want to have given the control to someone else. We look at the bad and the negative when we are down instead of looking at the happy, sweet, positive. We get stuck on one thing, fester in it, and make a huge deal out of it, when it was really very small and insignificant to begin with. We talk ourselves into things, using the magnificent powers of our minds, we can trick and fool ourselves into believing things that are utterly and completely ridiculous. Why all the unneccessary torture?

In quick conclusion to my free write here, if I’m picking apart my heart, soul and mind tonight, trying to learn something, just one thing about myself here, it’s that I believe that I… love people so much… that it’s very hard… for me to… let someone go. Especially if they have been close to me in the way of sharing love, time and our lives. I’ve always been very good to my friends and lovers. Yet I have never chosen to be with someone who is similar to me in that aspect. They say to treat others the way you wish to be treated. I have practiced this, and I continue to practice this to this day… yet, (shaking my head) I have such a painful past in the love department. My fault, yes. Other fault, kind of… but I had the choice to leave, or change, at any point. Why I stick around? It’s hard for me to go on, with the belief that someone is just hurtful, for no other reason, that to hurt another. I’ve psychologically broken these situations down, and I have made peace with my understandings of why people do some of the things they do…

I have today, all of this wisdom from relationships past, and I use the imprints of these memories to live today.

Love is, so confusing.

Love is something that I’ve written about my whole life, and yet, I still don’t understand it very much.

Love also changes, as we change.

Something to think about…

J. Lefever

Tryst Thought: Like the electric river that runs through the canyon, I have thoughts that are alive, running through the world of my very own mind.

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
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2 responses to “I Quite Literally Don’t Know ~ A Free Write on Tryst

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