A Momentary Lapse of Reason ~ Tryst Journal
I’ve been told that our ‘Higher Powers’ don’t give us anything we can’t handle. I’ve been told that the strong ones, are the ones who are given the tougher things in life. Not saying anything about someone who has had a relatively easy life, and not fallen down too much. I’m quite envious of those people, in fact, I wish I was one of them. I think that they are the lucky ones.
I wonder, so much lately, what is really going on…? Am I this really shitty person, who has a soul that is just no good…? Because my life has taken me down some roads that were so tough, I am literally still working on going through them… getting past them with some kind of understanding as to why certain events had to take place… why my eyes had to fall witness on some things, things I wish I had never seen… and why can’t I just give up? What is it that makes me keep going everyday? Even when the days are so hard, hard even to get up and start, but I do, get up, and keep going.
What am I fighting for?
Today. Wow. Today was a tough day. I had some bumps at work, which is unusual. Work is always smooth, for the most part. But when these work related issues came up, I was actually really grateful for them because they were total distraction from my social life, which is where I’m tackling demons today.
You know how when something in life has emotional connections to it, it’s always 10X worse? When the heart is involved, it’s like, monumental!!! When I come across a social problem with a person with whom I have no emotional connection with, it’s like ‘Oh well, whatev’s…’ and I move on. Never losing any sleep over it. Not even a wink. So, when you have these emotions involved, they make all things worse, complicated and they make people, me, irrational, sometimes a neurotic mess, ignorant to the reality of things… yes, my emotions can get the best of me sometimes. Thing is, this rarely happens. I’m serious!! For a woman, I rarely lose it… I keep pretty good control of my ‘crazy-lunatic-female-hormones’ so it’s like when I do have a ‘moment’ of irrational-emotional-drama, I get so mad at myself for slipping off the edge. But, yea, there is a but, when I get pushed to my limit, pushed so far back that, after time, I swear, I just cannot keep my mouth shut anymore about the shit that’s been bothering me, don’t I have that right? Don’t I have the right to stand there and voice my concerns? Don’t I have the right to have feelings? And just because I so rarely come apart at the seams, that doesn’t mean that I am never, ever, allowed a momentary lapse of reason!?!
I feel apart at the seams today.
I really did.
I just let it all go…
Everything came out at once.
The things that I’ve been so silent about for so long, all had a tangible voice today.
I don’t really know what happened. I woke up this morning, like every other day. I came to work and dove into my commitments there. Next thing I knew, I was having a conversation, something was triggered, and all things went south. One thing led to another, and before I knew it, I was face to face with, someone, and I was just fallin’ apart.
These things happen when we keep ourselves bottled up. That is why I try to write. My lesson today is that, yes, even though i write, to cleanse my heart, mind and soul of things, I am still hiding. There are still things that I have no words for. Things that I have n answers for. And it all came down, to me, just a person, who was pushed, couldn’t take it anymore, and I came a little undone.
I’m not sure why I’m sharing this. I guess I don’t need to hide proof that I’m just an imperfect person in an imperfect world. We all have moments that suck, right? That’s all for now…
Tryst Thought: Space is always good when you are having emotional words with another. Sometimes we say things we don’t mean in the heat of the moment. In the space, we think clearer, and can come back, and have a much more productive conversation.
Do we turn into someone we are not, when our words get the best of us?