Intermission ~ Tryst Insider/Update

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Intermission ~ Tryst Insider/Update

It has been a while. Yes, since I started this completely awesome thing called Tryst, I have rarely gome 12 hours without writing, posting or publishing something. Well, to be clear, it has been 5 days since I’ve last written and I feel the obligation to explain a little… just a little…

 

It is impossible for me to know the level of which my Tryst family, friends and  followers really care to know what’s going on with me in my life. I am a wonderful woman, don’t get me wrong, but I’m nothing out of the ordinary. Some of you, wonderful people who I love very much, have been loyal readers for some time now, and understand the things that have changed my life, permanently, this last year.

 

I cannot explain what it feels like to grieve the loss of someone who you loved more than your own life itself. The loss of someone who was a part of your heart, who stood next to you through out your whole entire life, who knew you better than anyone else in the whole world, the one who, no matter what, would have always been there, the one who, no matter why the reason for a fight, you know that you would make up and get through it, because it’s just the way it is with brothers and sisters… it’s the way it was for me and my brother anyway… we were, forever a part of each others lives.

 

I wake up some mornings and I cannot move. I cannot breathe. I just miss him so much. I don’t know what to do. Some days I feel like I’m completely paralyzed, drained of my spirit, and I find it very hard to feel the strength to move on.

 

Of course, these are phases. They come and go. To those who know me, know that I am this beaming ray of soulshine, who is always walking on the positive side of the street. I have bad days just like everyone else, but for the most part, I’m the eternal optimist.

 

Until my brother was taken from me, I never really understood what it felt like to be completely hopeless. I mean completely…

 

I have taken a short intermission these last five days. Sometimes, you really just need to be there, for yourself. And even when you are not there for yourself, you still need to just break and breathe and try to be there for yourself. I know that I don’t owe anyone anything. I don’t even need to explain. But the writer inside of me, has been itching to get some things off her chest… the hard part in this is, well, one of the hard parts, it is literally impossible to put into words what it feels like, what I’m going through, what hurts, what suffocates me, what paralyzed me and leaves me stuck, isolating for the world not to see… what brings me to hit the wall, or fall to the floor, any of these unexplainable things that I try so hard to explain… All the while, looking for some kind of answer, relief, some kind of good feeling or genuine reason to smile, a reason to keep moving forward, and not allow myself to just give up entirely… I am looking for these things. I am seeking out the right words. I am still holding on, Tryst, I am still here, trying…

 

So, just a little Tryst News Update on me, on Jen, I’ve been OK.

Just taking a little break, a little intermission, because it’s something that I needed.

 

J. Lefever

 

I will tell you this… I am happy to be sitting here, writing again! These five days without words has been, a little painful. I’m grateful to have my words back…

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
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6 responses to “Intermission ~ Tryst Insider/Update

  1. Jen, I am sorry for your loss. We carry our loved ones with us when they are gone, I like to believe that much at least. We all need a break sometimes, that is a sign of how strong we really are. I am still fairly new to your tryst family, but you have made me feel so welcome. I feel your pain and I carry mine alongside you. As long as you have people who understand, you are never alone. I wrote this poem with you as my inspiration… http://wp.me/p1Y5zN-k8

    • I am so moved by this… like I wrote on your page, this is a true sign of a most rare and beautiful heart. That is you sweetheart. I am so glad that you are here, a part of Tryst, so we can write and share our words and our life wisdom’s. I can’t thank you enough for this Lacie.. You really described how I feel, so true, so real, so well.. XOXO ((hugs))

  2. ohh dear… No words are enough to heal ‘coz time may be the only medicine… Take ur time and let the words heal you… It breaks my heart to see the passion and dedication you are putting into ur blog..yes ur absence was felt..but sometimes there are greater things to be checked and cared for… Warmest hugs and bright shine for you 🙂

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