Still, I Am Nothing

Still, I Am Nothing ~ A Painful Piece of Reality

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Walk somewhere with me…

 

I pick up the sand

It runs through my fingers

Like time

The time I was there

Seems like someone elses life

Completely…

Certainly not mine

 

Who am I trying to be?

 

I’ll run with the horses

In the fields far away

This land is their playground

We just get in the way

Let me play

Just today

For a while

 

Where am I headed?

 

She said I was going

Nowhere

And that I was always

Quite the mess

A Hopeless waste of space

Running around this place

It was true, maybe

I don’t fit anywhere

 

Why do I try?

 

He told me in his words

That no matter what

I’d never succeed

I’ll never be good enough

Never will he be proud

I’m just no good

I’m just not smart

Why give me a chance

Or hope

When there is no hope for me

I’ll never be anyone

That he thinks I should be

 

Why do I still seek his approval?

 

Times like these

Is when I cry the most

Run the fastest

Hide the furthest away

From the world,

And the sunlight

From me and everything else

Trying to numb the

Pain inside

Of never being enough

Of anything

For my dad

 

Why am I not enough?

 

~ J. Lefever ~

This piece is a part of me that I’ve carried for years. My whole life, really.

I almost didn’t post it. I almost didn’t put the very last word in it.

This piece hurts. Bad. It’s how I’ve felt for years, and still to this day, no matter what I do, no matter how many battles I’ve finally found the strength to overcome, I am still not enough, not good enough, I am still nothing to my dad.

 

It breaks my heart.

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 

 

 

 

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20 responses to “Still, I Am Nothing

  1. I only liked this because you were brave enough to share, not the unanswered hurt that you feel. Some people don’t know how to accept people’s lives when they don’t match up with their perceived normal. I believe he was threatened for your free flying spirit. You are beautiful inside and out. You are a talented writer and you are smart. The list could go on. There now try to take those compliments better 😉

    • Thanks friend. I really don’t want to say much more because this is such a deep, personal issue for me.. I’m still in shock that I even posted it.. but thank you for your kind words. I get uncomfortable when complimented b/c I don’t feel like I’m being told the truth. Not calling you a liar at all, but it’s self doubts… ys know.. anyway, you are becoming such a light in my life. I’m really happy we have connected! 🙂

      • Well look what posting it has done. I know you have made an impact on me and in turn it will effect others around me due to it’s effect. Well guess what? I love bombing bashful people like you with compliments because I know you need and appreciate them more. So prepare :). You’ve showed me that there are women out there that are beautiful inside and out. Your light is so refreshing.

  2. My heart is breaking for you just now, Sweet Jen…Dads can be brutal 😦
    And I’m fairly certain the Eleanor Roosevelt quote, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” probably isn’t applicable in this scenario. All I can say is that my heart and love is with you. I can relate in more ways than I have the guts to admit — I applaud your courage in posting this. XOXO…

    • For real, of all the things I’ve talked about, posted, like on my recovery, the death of my brother.. all that shit.. this was the hardest. Hard to admit that this is a reality for me. I hate it. I hate that I love my dad so much and he makes me feel to bad about myself. Ugh.. hurts so bad.. 😦

    • Very hard to post this. Im almost regertting it today.. but.. it’s the truth. So, there is my honesty. It’s hard to accept that this is a reality of mine. I still need to write about these things, it helps me a little.. Thank you for reading dear friend!! 🙂

  3. Jen, if your dad doesn’t see you for the wonderful person you are then that’s HIS fault and HIS loss, not yours. I understand your frustrations and feelings of inadequacy, because every father should love and be there for his child, but unfortunately not all dad’s are created equal.

    You are a wonderful person and I hope writing this and publishing it helps you come to peace with these feelings and learn to let go of your need for his approval. You don’t need it.

    • Thanks. I’ve wanted to NOT need his approval my whole life. Here I am in my 30’s still picking at myself about it. How much does that suck!? Why do I still care? This shit hurts, and drives me nuts all the same. Thanks for your kind comment TD. You are a good friend to me. I really love & appreciate that, you!! 🙂

  4. I dont tell many people this, but I want to share it now. My birth dad lives 30 minutes away and I see him once every few years. Sometimes I wonder if I were to run into him at the store, if he would know who I was. My “step dad” is my 1 true dad. He is the one who raised me. He is the one I lost last year.

    • Oh baby girl. That is something that would pull at my heart ALL the time. I know that, for me anyway, the ties I have to my parents, who raised me, are so very strong. I look up to them. I love them more than anything in the world. I still want to make them proud. I think that I’ll always be that way. I just really love my family more than anything in the world. They are the most important things in my life. I can imagine that being tough for you sweetheart. Thank you for sharing. It’s hard to admit things sometimes. Because when we keep them inside, it’s almost like they are less real. When we say them outloud, or type them, we are staring at the words, or hearing them, and it’s much more intense for the emotional feelings inside. I’m here if you need me… but you know that, right? ((hugs)) Mwah~

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