Daily Reflection (04/23/13)
What is Your Normal?
Tuesday, late morning. At work, like any other normal day… yet, my life is far from normal. By that, I mean that things for me right now are a little nuts. There are some stressful situations that I am dealing with, and I can honestly say, I am not doing a very god job. At least, my husband tells me this. It seems there is always something that I should be doing differently, differently as in the way he handles things. I am constantly getting told that I handle my shit wrong, and he handles his shit right. If I went through life, reacting and thinking like him, then I wouldn’t have anything wrong… so he says. He says, his attitude and demeanor is always decent and correct and he just has a really great attitude about everything.
That all sounds really good…. but just because those are the words that fell out of his mouth, do nt make them true. What is he? A saint?
I’ll give him some credit though… he does coast through with a good attitude and demeanor some of the time… but not ALL of the time. Just last week, oh never mind. I can’t get into it. All I’m trying to get out here, vent, is that no one is perfect and handles their shit the right way ALL the time. No one is perfect. No one has all the answers. No one goes through life and never makes mistakes. And no one is normal.
This morning was unpleasant. I have things that I have to deal with, every single day, that I have been ‘putting-up’ with for so long now, praying for a change, anything, and here I find myself… the foolish woman still dealing with these things, and by chosing to have them in my life, it has taken a real toll on my happiness and joy. It is my fault for not removing those things. I hold myself accountable for that. But I can tell you, I am sick and fucking tired of defending where the stress is coming from. I think I’m sick and tired of defending myself period! When is enough enough? I am at the edge here. I have, in the last two years, been through more shit than ever in my entire life. Just in the last two years. What element either changed, or came to, my life in that time to tell me what the problem is…? Tell me I’m pointing a finger. I’m not. But there are outside influences that can make a person’s life a living hell, when I think about the time before these last two years… NONE of this stuff was going on. So, what am I to do? Keep fighting? Keep defending myself? Keep explaining?
I realize that this is putting things both blunt and a little vague at the same time. Is that even possible? I really am just beside myself here today. I think the light inside of me is barely holding on. What is the point? Are things past the point of no return? Where is the love anyway? I am told everyday that I question a certain someone’s love for me, but I think that person needs to realize the reasons that happens… there is always a reason… you don’t question one’s love when one loves you truly and purely everyday… there is always a reason…
I hope the day find everyone well. Thanks for allowing me to vent a little, and analyze too. (I am desperate for some answers here and getting nowhere which has rendered me really frustrated…)
Remember that your normal is not anthers normal. We are all built, and raised, differently. Just because something fits for you, doesn’t mean it fit’s for everyone else. Just because words come out, doesn’t make them true.
Don’t let another tell you that you are living your life wrong, or handling your stress, or pain, wrong. No one has the right to say that their way of handling things is the right way! I mean, come on… are you for real? What makes you the one who has all the answers to life? And where do you get these answers anyway… ‘Convenient theories for you Weekly’ ?
I am pretty fed-up these days…
Tryst Thought: I have never really liked the word ‘normal’. I mean, what is normal anyway? What is normal to me may not be normal to another… I say ‘may-not’ but it is definitely not!! Just the way I grew up compared to the way, say my husband, grew up was completely different! My childhood was nothing like his, but it was normal to me.. as his was to him. So, I really don’t like the word ‘normal’.
It has been days since my last reflection… I don’t like that… And I don’t like the fact that this one is so negative. It may be negative, but the message here is for internal pride and strength. Please remember that!!