Daily Reflection on Tryst (04/30/13)

Daily Reflection (04/30/13)

4e2b254cc4800c28d63e8be46035e2f1

 

You & Your Negativity

 

Hello Tryst Family!! How does the day find you? Wonderful & warm in the sunshine.. I hope!! Things have been very productive for me lately. It is only Tuesday and I am getting so much done this week! I love that feeling of great accomplishment when you know that you, and only you, are responsible for the great things that are happening in your life. It’s a good feeling for sure!!

 

As for the other side of things, well, the trial that is coming up for the person who took my brother from me has been pushed back another few months. There was actually a court appearance last week, but my mother didn’t feel it was important enough to call and tell me. Instead she took her daughter-in-law and her friends to this hearing, while I, her actual daughter and sister to the victim, sat at home, unaware that this event took place. My mother is really good at making me feel like I am not a part of this family. So, as the story continues to go, I have to figure out what is the best for me in my life. I am just too important to myself to not have my best interests at heart.

 

While the tears do fall for the unknown reasons why my mother shuts me out, there are parts of me that feel like I’ll never be enough. I have written on this before. But then I think about my life… my actual life… all the things I’ve done and all the things I am doing… and I realize that it is truly my mothers loss. She is missing out on a fun person in her life, because I am full of that stuff I call soulshine! I am also the spark of positivity that floats around my family… even after all the blah and tragedy. I still try to stay up-beat.

 

Someone said to me, “Your mother should be proud of you for the incredible changes you have made! Your life is completely different!” Maybe this is true… but I can’t force my mother to think things. I am just not that powerful. She thinks what she wants and honestly… she is the most negative piece in my life. I do not have that angry, negative and mean energy from anyone else. As a result, as sad as this makes me, I have to eliminate the negative piece from my life. I just don’t want anything to do with it.

 

Not to mention this gloomy, down in the dumps shit, she throws my past in my face every time I see her! And frankly, I do not live in my past anymore. Not any part of my yesterday is currently my today. I don’t need to defend myself either. I have my integrity at the end of the day, and with each rising sun, I know that I don’t deserve to be put through the emotional roller-coaster she sends me on every other month.

 

I don’t deserve it. I am better than that.

 

My reflection today is on negativity. When you are a negative person, everything in your life sucks. You are blinded from anything good, even when it is staring you in the face! You wake up angry or mad, and everything is just terrible. You certainly don’t like to see people happy and enjoying their lives because there you are, in your rain puddle, complaining about your life and everyone else. Of course, the negative people never hold themselves accountable for why they are always in a crummy mood. It is always someone elses fault. What someone else did or didn’t do. When really, they clearly don’t see that to the rest of the world, they aren’t fooling anyone but themselves. To the rest of the world, we can see that they project their crummy negativity on to others, especially their family and loved ones, when they really need to look in the mirror and realize that they are negative and crummy and it is all their fault. It is not the world around them.

 

It is obvious that a person is negative when they literally ‘fish’ for things to complain about when they should be practicing gratitude for the things they do have. What makes me even more sad and ashamed of people who act like this is when these people ‘preach’ about the exact things they are NOT doing… like being kind, compassionate, supportive, and forgiving… just to name a few… and yes, this directly relates to my situation.

 

(Shaking my head)

 

Life is too short to waste living like this. And if you find yourself alone, you might ask yourself why… if it really is everyone else that is the problem, then why is it YOU are the ONE ALONE? Maybe it’s time to start practicing what you preach, instead of being negative and crummy and pointing a finger.

 

I hope to spread positive things and messages in my life. I don’t walk with the negative because, truthfully, I can’t stand it. And while it makes me sad to have to realize that even my mother is one of those terribly negative elements in my life, I choose to eliminate it because I refuse to put up with the put downs. I just won’t do it anymore.

 

Have a great day Tryst Fam!! If you encounter a negative person… run the other direction!! XOXO

 

~ Jen

 

Tryst Thought : As people, we suffer from addictions. Some are addicted to booze, others pills… some are addicted to sex, or shopping or gambling… but then there are some who are addicted to drama and pain. I believe that there are some people who just do not know how to live happy and enjoy their time. Instead, they spend their whole lives being miserable and making those who they are around miserable too.

 

I am so grateful that I have a heart and soul that is not hooked on drama and pain…

 

*****
 
4d094a1b8850773e99232aec76061b1c3
 
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
Advertisements

26 responses to “Daily Reflection on Tryst (04/30/13)

  1. “and I realize that it is truly my mothers loss”

    This. A hundred times. I know it’s not easy to move on from the woman who gave birth to you, but if she’s bringing you down then you have to move on from her. It sucks, but if it’s what’s best for you…

    • It is. It sucks. It’s hard.. especially when I have to watch her be so kind and motherly to her daughter-in-law and then just come at me with constant negativity, put downs, and throwing every mistake I’ve ever made in my face.. never moving on from the past. I can’t be around her with out her bringing up something terrible or negative or reminding me of anything & everything I’ve done wrong. She doesn’t even know who I am because she doesn’t take the time to get to know me. I am at the point where I’m just done. I can’t have that shit in my life. I’m not built like she is on the inside. I am moving forward… I hold myself accountable for things I’ve done… I do not point fingers… I do not call other people to ruin their day… I see life as a gift and I’m trying to enjoy mine and in the process, not bring down everyone around me… but be joyful and pleasant and lift spirits… ick.. I don’t know how a person can be so miserable, especially to her own daughter. It sucks…

      • Thank you. And HELL YES!! You make me smile…

        I know that my heart must have some kind of good in it because I’m not alone. I have wonderful people in my life that I love to share words and experiences with. If you read my response to Alastair’s comment you will see what I mean… I said a lot there…

        It is heart breaking to have such an important person in my life be so against me in every way. The battles I have been through… to where I am now… a world of a difference. And the one person, my mom, who should know how hard I’ve worked, instead she tries to sabotage my sobriety and digs for things to make me feel absolutely terrible about myself. This is why I just can’t be suckered in next time she wants to be nice. She think that she can be as mean as she wants, never have to say sorry, because she really doesn’t think she doesn wrong, and I’ll just keep coming around to be her little punching bag.

        I won’t do it anymore. It’s not what I deserve.
        It is heartbreaking to watch her be the mom that I wish I had, to someone else… but she doesn’t think she does that either. Her denial and inability to hold herself accountable is why she is alone now… I have finally had enough… so has my dad, I think…

        As for me.. I’m here!! I’m rockin my shit & I am making my personal changes for the better… but the original me, inside, my heart & soul… that will never change!! So, thank you. Thank you for your kindness in these rough family things I’m going through. I appreciate you very much babes!! XO I do… 🙂

      • Jen, you have to do what you have to do. It sucks, but your happiness has to come first. I’m glad you’re finally ready to move on from this negativity.

      • … something has to stop this crappy cycle… and it looks as though that’s me… moving on without it…

        It get’s really old dealing with this… I hate it… I’m so glad that my heart is built different. Yep. Thankful for that!

      • Jen, you are a beautiful person and don’t need the negativity. I’m glad you’re finally ready to move on. I like the way your heart is built and I’m thankful for it, too.

      • Awe!! You are so fucking awesome!! Thanks!! I’m glad that, after all the poems you have read, and all the Tryst Reflections, stories & up-dates.. that this is what you say.. I pour my heart into my words on Tryst.. every single piece! Tryst posts are like little slices of my soul… I’m glad you are here to read them. You are truly such a super great guy!! XO

      • You are like 10x better.. (I don’t compliment well… ick..) but thank you. I really write from my heart.. my soul.. that’s all. I can’t stop writing even if I wanted to.. HA)) Trying to get my book finished… long overdue proj.

  2. … and I realize that it is truly my mothers loss.
    … I have to eliminate the negative piece from my life. I just don’t want anything to do with it.
    I really do hope that this isn’t something you are just saying, and that you you really are. Crap, that sounds awful, like I’m having a go. It’s not meant that way. I want you to be happy, and I want you to realise that you are better than your mother because you CARE

    … if it really is everyone else that is the problem, then why is it YOU are the ONE ALONE? Maybe it’s time to start practicing what you preach, instead of being negative and crummy and pointing a finger.
    Thank you. I’ve been trying to tell people it’s me that is the problem, but they won’t believe me. I have always said, if it wasn’t me, why have all of my friends left me? Why have a failed marriage? The only constant in the marriage and then the bad relationship afterwards, the loss of friends, the being single … me.

    • Oh.. sweet friend.. sadly, in some cases, other people can be so mean and cruel. Sometimes, when a person finds themselves alone, it is not their fault. But in some cases, it is. People need to hold themselves accountable for the part they play in things.

      My mom has never been the kind of person I can go to with a problem. Or… anything, really. Anything she has done for me, she later throws it in my face. She makes lists of the things she has done for me, as a mom, things that mom’s are supposed to do for their kids. When I make a mistake, she shuts me out, completely. She won’t speak to me. She yells and throws things in my face, like the world is ending. She is not the mom that says, ‘OK. it will be ok. Lets get through this…’ No. That’s not what I get. My mom turns her back on me when I make any kind of mistake at all. Even something like a traffic ticket… that is how dramatic and negative she is. It is so emotionally painful and unsupportive that it has really hurt me through many stages of my life. There is a reason why she finds herself alone. She is mean to the people who love her the most and those who she should put first. It has always been that way.

      It has been hard to cut ties with her, because yes, she is my mom. I think that when she is nice, that things are going to be different… but I am let down every single time. She will turn like the wind and just be the most hateful and negative person and tear me down as a person. It has been really bad for me and my brother… we just never had a mom we could go to for anything. Anything…

      There is always a part we play in these relationships. It is never just one person. I believe that good things come to those who are good inside. There is a reason things fall apart… there is a reason things come together…

      We find out, in due time, what those conclusions, or lessons are… unfortunately, waiting for the outcome can be emotionally draining… but we have no choice. We have to go through things before we get to the other side.

      Your soul is so beautiful… in every word you write… in all of our conversations… you are one of those remarkably awesome people in so maky ways… kind, intuitive, inciteful, compassionate, loving and funny… there is something good in the future for you, my friend… you’re just not there to find out yet… not yet! In the mean time, smile, love, be you and do what makes you happy. This is good advice for anyone to follow… me too… that’s why I’m sayin it!! XO

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s