Daily Reflection on Tryst (05/13/13)

Daily Reflection (05/13/13)

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Not Getting A Goodbye

As I move through the stages of grief, I go through many emotional ups & downs. I have been through things in my life that were very hard, some tragic, some self-inflicted, others were influenced by others, things that left deep scars, lies and betrayal, death, but no one as close as my own brother. I have never felt these kinds of emotions, or this level of pain, ever.

In my mind, I go over & over the events of the day my brother was killed. What was he thinking? What was he feeling? What was he doing? Where was he going? And then things about the actual event that took his life… what happened? How can this have even been a real event… it this really real? It is a mental circus… a mental torture in which I can’t even begin to put into words.

Me being such an analytical person, always wanting and needing to know the answers to everything in this world, the ‘not-knowing’ drives me crazy. It drives me crazy and it makes me very angry and it makes me cry and it makes me scream for my brother… All of this, emotion, pours out of me and I’m not the only one. My mother, who has a death certificate for her son. My father, who had to bury his baby boy. We are all changed. We are all broken. We are all damaged. We all have a hole in our hearts. Our lives will never be complete.

Even when we experience moments of joy and happiness… there will always be something, our someone, that is missing…

In my thinking this weekend, I came across the thought that… one of the hardest parts about this is, not getting to say goodbye. Losing my brother the way that I did, was, unceremonial. One minute of the day, and he was just… gone. There was nothing I could do, no where I could go, completely helpless…

 

I hate that I didn’t get to say goodbye…

I didn’t get to tell him I love him…

I didn’t get to tell him any of the million things I have yet to say…

I wasn’t finished…

I wasn’t done making memories with my brother…

 

My life with him was just over, in one second, and I didn’t even get to say goodbye…

 

If you have a sibling, I cannot stress the importance of telling them you love them, every single time you speak. No matter what… tell them you love them…

 

Have a great day Tryst.

 

XOXO ~ Jen’

 

Tryst Thought : Everywhere I go, I carry him with me. But it’s not the same. It is not ever going to be the same…

 *****

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 

 

 

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9 responses to “Daily Reflection on Tryst (05/13/13)

  1. I can’t imagine the agony you are feeling, but I feel fairly confident your brother knew how much you loved him, and someday, I pray that bolsters you. You will carry him with you always, and sometimes, you will feel his presence. I promise you will.

      • You don’t hafta explain. Just know that he’s still with you even if you don’t know it. And you can always ring me up and vent if you need. Then I can vent to you and we’ll both feel better at the end of the conversation.

      • Indeed. Yes. Now you have me worried friend. You are supposed to be my rock.. the one who is always saying, ‘Call me Jen, you silly stubborn ass girl, you are not too proud and you’re not strong enough to not need friends and help, so call cause I will listen!’ …

        that’s you! that’s what you say… now, do I need to say it to you?!?!? Huh?!?!? 🙂

        How about, iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou!!!

      • Ok… First of all. YOU’VE NEVER CALLED!! Secondly, I DON’T HAVE YOUR NUMBER? Third, YOU NEVER CALL!!!

        There. I said it. I feel better now.

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