Hitting Me Harder ~ Tryst Update

Hitting Me Harder ~ Tryst Update

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I have become quite the introvert.

I thought that I had become stronger. I thought maybe it was also a numbing effect. I thought that in the last three hundred and sixty-five days, I would have a better understanding of what life is like after my brother’s death. I thought that I’d find myself, a year later, grown, better, stronger, wiser, balanced, somewhat peaceful, among some other things … and unfortunately, here I find myself, still as confused as ever.

 

What do I really know anyway?

I have NO answers to the paradoxical questions that I mentally beat myself up with daily. I am still walking the same streets, working the same job, writing the same things, (my ongoing written projects that seem to frustrate me more than anything because I write pages and pages, then I go back to edit and think they sound completely stupid, so I delete and start over, back to where I was … oh the frustration!!), I am shooting pictures that seem to have no inspiration, portfolio on standstill, and I am getting distracted with little mindless tasks, in hopes to find something to spark my motivation, creativity, and something that will finally feel like I am truly inspired to act upon…

 

I am still searching…

Yes. Things are hitting me harder now then they were last year. I can speak for my parents as well on this matter. We all thought that we would be more put back together by this point. We were all wrong.

It just goes to show that no matter how old you are, how much life experience you have, or think you have, life still comes at you and you cannot always predict the end or outcome. We don’t always know where we will be and when we will be there.

These are the questions that drive me crazy!

I wish I could just shut my mind off, tune out completely … but that has NEVER worked for my active mind! I am always thinking … about everything … even stuff that really is pointless, I still give it enough credit to be a little important for me to entertain in my mind. (I have never been the kind of person to ignore anyone or anything … um, except myself … how ridiculous is that? … well, anyway …) So I think what it would feel like if I could shut my mind off and be still, not worry about anything, sit in complete silence … just, be

(Trying to do that now … just, be….

Hum… OK. So, I may need some more practice. I have meditated before, not regularly, but I do know how to meditate … for 30 minutes, maximum. Anything more than that is when I start to fidget and my mind pops up everywhere, wondering, and then all things are screwed up!! But, at least I can sit for a 30 minute meditation, better than nothing right?

It is our own minds that talk us out of most things anyway.

That is the truth!! If you didn’t hear that piece of immaculate wisdom above, read it again … Truth baby!! Our minds are so powerful and have such a strong influence over us, we often times don’t realize that WE are the center of our energy, thus creating most of our success, failure, joy, pain, happiness, etc… Yes, it is us!!

Today, I am going to pull myself out of introversion. I don’t really like it there anyway … it’s not me

I am still hopeful.

I am still searching.

I am still fighting to know, to be free, to know serenity, to give & receive love, to find purpose, to make a difference, to have a voice, to hold someone’s hand, to accomplish a goal, to connect with my brother in new ways, to understand it’s ok to NOT understand, and I am still fighting for internal love & kindness…

XO ~ Jen

*****

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12 responses to “Hitting Me Harder ~ Tryst Update

  1. I can understand where you are coming from. I am not going to say I know where you are coming from because I have never been in your situation. I do understand the empty hole in you. The gap that is your brother. I know I have told you that he is with you and he always will be. Telling you things though, is one thing. I can tell you that the sea is purple. I can tell you, it’s whether you accept that or not, and at the moment you are not ready to accept it.

    You won’t be ready until you are ready. That may not be for a while yet. It may not be until after the trial. After you have had justice of sorts. Do me a favour though. It’s going to be a very hard favour, and I know your first response will be to tell me to fuck off. Eventually … the person who killed him … don’t hate him. Pity him .. despise him .. dislike him … don’t hate him. Hate is self consuming.

    I found this out with … a person, I won’t go into details, but it wasn’t until I stopped hating him that I realised he was consuming my life. All the while you hate him .. and I know you will for a while longer .. it is eating you.

    But I am here to help you. I am here to guide you out of the darkness one step at a time.

    HUGS

    • I just now read this beautiful and warm response to what I wrote last week. I like that it was here, waiting for me to read. I needed this today.

      You are right. In your advice to not ‘hate’ the person that killed my brother. I can tell you, it is hard not to say that I hate this person, but I understand that hate is consuming… I know that hate takes a lot of energy… I have written on the subject of Love & Hate, as I love to love so much, I have always been intrigued by its opposite. So, in hating someone, I do find myself rather consumed. At this point, I really really dislike him and I am angry that he took my person and forever changed and hurt me and my family… I have had more anger lately than anything, which also bothers me cause I am NOT an angry person!! I am a kind, loving, soulshinning person who is so troubled by the cruelties and the sufferings of the world 😦 Oh, I am indeed…

      It is also true that I won’t be ready till I’m ready … in most of my forgiving, healing and accepting processes. I still go through millions of questions everyday. I have had two deaths this last year that have made me hurt in my heart and shed tears of sadness, more so than anything else ever. It has been very hard…

      As of now, I feel a sense of calm. The last two-three months have been real hard, and I feel like things will start to calm down a little. What loomes over me, and my fam, now is the trial. The on-going sick madness of the state determining the fate and future of the person who killed my brother.. with this, and until this is over, I don’t think I, we, will get any sense of peace and closure … not until the trial is over.

      The next court date for the trial is in September. Until then, I just smile and pray …

      Thanky ou for your wonderful and warm hugs!! I feel them all over me today!! You are so awesome!!

      (Hey, did you ever send me some e-mail darling friend? Let me know and I will search my in box for it … if not, I would like to send you one so we can talk more. These messages are lovely but I still would love to say HI when ever I want in your email too!! )

      XO

      • September is a long way off. I am glad though that you feel some calm and that you didn’t read this when you would have told me where to get off.

        I’ll tell you at some point what happened with me, but it won’t be in public. It can’t be. I’ll email you at some point. Speaking of which, I did email you. I’ll go through my mails and see if I can find them and send them to you again.

        I think you have been angry of late because of the pressure you and your family have been under.

        You know where I am if you need to talk privately Jen. Hugs…

      • First, I would never tell you where to get off, except maybe at my door step!!
        I will check my emails right now and see if I can find you..
        You are normally right on, but I’d have to say NO to the angry thing.. I’m not angry, I’m exhausted, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically…

        And I love you to pieces!! XOXO

  2. Just be who you are at that time. That’s who you are. If it takes a lifetime, so be it – you are never going to be exactly who you were.

    Doesn’t mean you’re not going to be great. Just a different great.

      • I know!! Huh? These last few months I have just all over the place … I would sit down to write, seldomly, but I would, and nothing would come out! It was really frustrating!! I had some writers block, I had emotional over-load, I had a few things that were coming up that were going to be really tough … so, yea, Here I am!! I’ve been here all along!! Maybe a little further away than usual, but I am still breathing.

        XO

      • Yes. That is an under-statement. I have really been put to the test, of how strong I can be without fallig apart and how strong my faith is …

        Good to know, though … I am a strong woman.

        I am glad to hear from you today!! You have made me smile for sure!! 🙂 BIG cheesey smile XO

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