Soul Graffiti ~ A Tryst Anniversary Post

Soul Graffiti

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A Tryst Anniversary Post

I have had so much going on that I didn’t even realize that today is the 1 year Anniversary of Tryst!! My life has taken me through many moments in the last 12 months, but when looking back, I know that I stand even taller and even wiser than I did last September. Just like any person, I have made mistakes, but I always get up, brush myself off and move forward. My years of being ignorant and blind to my faults are even farther behind me now. The lessons I have learned, some through success and others through personal failure, are what make my Soulshine even brighter today than ever before. I know that I have this empty space, and that space will never feel quite right again, but in the absence of my brother who was taken so tragically and violently from me and my family, I carry his spirit with me in everything that I do.

I can proudly say today that my life is clean, truthful and good. I think about my family and loved ones before I make decisions and I am selfish in the right kind of ways, selfish enough to eliminate the shitty people who claim to be a friend, who claim to have my back, but so foolishly in my innocence and sensitivity I believed these claims as these people only turned out to stab me in the back, as opposed to ever having it. (I am really only referring to a very small number of people, two or three to be exact — as the ones I have in my life now are wholesome and good and have shown it in every step they make, and we all know that actions speak much louder than words … words are only words & words are meaningless when they come from a source who is only fooling themselves in life … I pray for those people)

This morning has been hard, as the trial continues with no resolve as of yet for the person responsible for killing my brother. I was reminded of a lesson today, and that it, when you are right, when you are true, you need no defense. There is no reason to defend the truth because it speaks for itself. Only the guilty get defensive and only the guilty get mean and ugly to people and only the hateful, selfish and cruel turn and lash out at someone who they know is good because the goodness of the other person clashes with their darkness and inner self loathing. So, for those people, I bless you and pray that someday you find some self-love and a true sense of peace. I have made many mistakes, yes, but I love myself more today than I ever have and it shows in my life, in my smile, in the things I do, in my personal success … my true self-love and my sense of peace and harmony with myself shows in my heart, on my face, and in every way I live my life. I do not waste my time anymore and I have become way too strong to let anyone take advantage of me, and this is something that I let many people do for many years.

When a person changes, especially makes positive & strong changes, they may not get a good review from their network of people who have always counted on them to be weak, or to screw up, or to be the one they can point a finger at and say, “At lease that isn’t me!!” And so when you get your love, strength and wisdom’s and leave that old ‘you’ behind, you will find yourself leaving behind many of the people who you thought were in your corner, when in fact, they were only using you this whole time.

Life is not always easy. And death has taught me so much … about everything!! But I can tell you that life is also very beautiful. And when you have love, real love, there are no words needed to explain it. It just is. And when you have real truth, there are no words needed to defend it, because it just is. And when you have real forgiveness, real happiness, real peace, real love and real kindness, you never waste one minute waking up in the morning, harboring negative energy, or lashing out to another, with the only intent to hurt them. When YOU are REAL, the world knows it in everything that you do. You don’t have to hide your hatred or ugliness because you NEVER practice these things. You just get to be you, all the time, and let your heart and soul do the work.

I still struggle with things. I still go back and forth. But I can proudly say that I hold myself accountable for the things I have done, otherwise, I wouldn’t have the mind and soul that I do today. In the last year I have cried more tears than in my whole life put together, losing my brother, my best friend, my world, has been the most difficult thing I have ever been through, by far the most painful. It has made me realize that there is so much peddley shit that I have been hurt by, or cried over, or let bother me … and let me say, I DO NOT lose sleep or shed tears over people or things that are not worthy of them. I can thank my brother for teaching me that. But I do fall apart and cry for him. I probably always will. He was one of the best people I have ever known, a heart of gold, and now I have only memories.

While I think about these things, I feel overwhelmed with all that I have to say, and all that I have learned over the last year. Too many words, too many thoughts, too many reasons why and why not … but here I am, here I stand, alive and well and here to tell all my stories, share my success and shed light upon the reasons of my falls. I am neither worse or better than … but I am good, I am great, I am proud, I am honest, I am kind, I am always trying to better myself, I am living a life that is peaceful, I have more love today and I don’t over look that, I cherish it as a blessing, and while I give love, just as I receive it, I continue to bless this world, the people around me, and all the wandering souls who are still searching or healing.

I hope my brother has his hand on me and can see the things that I am doing … and in any moment of weakness, as I am still a human and I will still make mistakes, I only ask for the strength to continue on the path that I am currently on, because I am very proud of who I am becoming … I am very proud.

Here is to my ONE year of writing on Tryst and sharing all my chaos with my Tryst Friends and Family!! Here is to ONE year of my documenting all the graffiti that is written on my soul!! I have over 700 readers and I love each and every one of you!!! May Tryst continue to grow, may I continue to grow, and may we all keep holding each others hands in the rain, in the sunshine and while our Soul’s shine … cause you all know that nothing is better than that. Nothing feels better than Soulshine.

Love – And have a beautiful day

Jen Lefever

*****

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
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50 responses to “Soul Graffiti ~ A Tryst Anniversary Post

  1. Bravo to you… I love your writing and blog. As for your brother… I too lost my father and shed many tears for him until someone told me that he would always be with me and I needed to stop crying for him. When I finally released him, he started visiting me in my dreams… Always now, you are not alone… God bless… You are on the right path…

    • Thank you dear friend. I am so happy that you are a part of Tryst!! Thank you for being here and reading my words today. Yes, death has been very hard. And saying goodbye & letting go of someone that I love so much, way too early and so suddenly and violently has been a very difficult thing for me to do. I miss him. There are no words for what it is like, for both me and my family. Those who know this feeling are only those who have experienced it. So, thank you for your kindness. It means the world to me.

      I hope your day is beautiful and I too am very sorry for your loss, dear friend.
      Thank you for being here!
      XO~Jen

  2. I’m so proud of you, Jen.
    A years a long time until you look back on it and realize that it passed you by sooooo fast.
    Making personal changes is key, to your emotional health and “growing up”.
    Keep being strong and observant, in regards to those you let in your life.

    • Thank you so much my sweet Crystal!!! I love you so much!!! I do need to be careful who is in my life, as I have learned some real valuable things, especially this last month. I had a certain ‘aquaitence’ (x-friend .. ) who made ridiculous claims, stepped on me and my family, and then made chaos in my life over some crazy shit that ONLY her and her boyfriend were guilty of .. like, shit that I don’t have time for in my grieving the loss of Dave. It was the most disgusting display of selfishness I have ever seen … needless to say, I am so glad I washed my hands of her. My point is this: it was sad to admit to myself that a person whom I’ve knows for 15+ years, turned out to be the opposite of what she said she was and who she claims to be, and I just don’t understand that kind/level of fakeness. Who has time for that? Her lessons will come to her though, because the real problems are within herself, not with me like she claimed they were, and she can’t run from herself .. she will have to face them eventually…

      In the meantime, I get to go back to my grieving … and this murder case, which has me ripped and torn in to pieces and scattered all over this city. I can’t wait to move. Maybe we need to have a lunch date? I’d love to come to your part of the state .. your city .. it’s not far, ya know!!! I’d love your companionship .. we should hang!!!

      XOXO – thank you for your friendship and kindness. I love your heart and soul.
      J

  3. Jen, you are one of the strongest, most kind hearted people I have met over the internet. I am so happy to have found someone as wonderful as you. Your story and your words are uplifting to those of us who also struggle. I find comfort in your words or wisdom. May you have many more happy years on Tryst and life in general. Keep making life happen for you 😀

    • My dearest Lacie!! How you have really brightened up my soul!! You and I crossed paths and have been talking ever since. I love every minute of it. Thank you for your kindness, support and friendship through these months and I look forward to more wonderful words to share with you!!

      Hold on to your loved ones.
      Love like you were meant to love for a living.
      Love with all your heart.
      And love your life .. if you don’t, change what you need to, so you can love your life.

      No one is more important than you.

      XOXO~Jen

  4. This has been a hard year, and I am proud of how far you have come. It has been difficult for you, I know. Wanting to just walk away being the easy option, but you didn’t take the easy option. You did it the good way. The “you” way.

    Well done Jen. Keep it up. You have done well, and you still stand tall

    • (Smiling) … you are good at making me smile! You say such nice and warm things to me .. I really appreciate that. You do know how much I have been hurting this year. Having to adjust to living my life with out my one constant person -> my brother -> and against ALL my wants. Not having Dave is the LAST thing I have ever wanted. I want him back so bad … just so I can hug him, and never let go and tell him how much his sister, I, love him. Why did someone have to take MY person? My brother was a great man. He did not hurt people, ever. Why is it that only the good die young, and only the good, kind and truly wholesome people get stepped on? It is because we don’t go around taking advantage of people? So we are here to be walked on and taken advantage of? Well, we all have a path, a purpose and a reason .. and for whatever my reasons are for all my hardships, I at least walk away from them with wisdom. Anything is better than staying in the same place and being blind and ignorant ( like the friend/aquaitence I was referring to above in my response to Shackled & Crowned’s comment)

      Our paths have crossed, and I am very happy that they did. You have a good soul and I love our conversations dear friend.

      XOXO-Jen

  5. Hey, congratulations on one year! And congratulations on an even longer time of struggling and overcoming so many demons. Glad I discovered you! But I was lucky – you would have been discovered without me.

    • Thanks Hotspur. I’m glad we have connected too. You are by far one of my most favorite writers!!!

      This has been a full year for me, indeed. I never thought I’d ever lose my brother this way …. I don’t even know what to say about it, most times …

      But I keep going …

      Thank you for your kindness, companionship and words.
      XOXO

  6. Jen,

    Congratulations on the Anniversary of Tryst. I am so glad our path’s have crossed. I have no words for the horrific way your brother was taken from you and your family. I have lost family members, but not that way. I could not begin to understand how tough that must be and would NEVER pretend to. Just know that the loved ones (True Loved Ones) will be around to hold you up in times of weakness.

    In reading this as well as your about page and meandering through some of your posts, I get the feeling we have shared many very similar life experiences. Things that have taught us both valuable lessons about life, love, trust, and most importantly ourselves.

    I am eagerly anticipating reading your posts and composing with you. I am so very glad to be a part of your literary journey, and EXTREMELY flattered that you want to be a part of mine. Here’s to the beginning of what will be a long and creative friendship.

    JMC

    • I am so flattered by your words .. wow .. I too am glad to have connected with you and have our first Tryst of writing!

      There is much to read on Tryst, many poems and journals and things that I have been through – When I write, I am an open book (For the most part) .. I find that writing and always being honest about the things I have been through is more healing and helpful than ever trying to hide who I am. We are all human. We ALL make mistakes and fall, to err is human, right? (Lol, I may not have that spelled right ..? LOL) For those who go around, in their lives, like they know everything and that they never make any mistakes are the ignorant ones who never learn anything, and sadly, they don’t get to truly experience the world, with their eyes open and their hearts open to give and receive the wonderful gifts that are all around us!

      I’m so glad that you are a part of my Tryst Family!!
      XOXO

      • LOL, I like to pretend I know it all sometimes. Usually this is when I am struck hard in the forehead with the reality of how little I really know. Humbling. But I totally agree. Even in all the fictional things I write there is something of me to be found. Some are easy to find and others there may be some reading BETWEEN the lines that is necessary. But I do not avoid leaving a little of my own blood on the page. So to speak. I consider myself lucky to be part of your Tryst family.

        JMC

      • And I feel lucky to have you here and also be a part of your space!! I know that I have been busy lately, and with all the chaos of the trial going on, I have not had the time or energy to read more of your work … but I will dear friend … I will!!

        I love reading others words! And what I have read of you so far, I truly love!! You have a style that is mesmorising and captivating. You definitely have a talent with words. And with my long and personal relationship with words & writing, that truly inspires me!!

        XOXO

  7. i’m a little late but a wish is nonetheless a wish.. BIG BIG HUGS AND WARM WARM SMILES.. happpiie birthday to Tryst and may it have a lot of happy years ahead.. you are a shining star that will brigthen all nights… 🙂 🙂

    • Thank you so much!! You are the first to WISH Tryst a happy birthday!! (I mean, I got lots of love from my Tryst Family and peeps .. but I like the way you put it!!)

      It is a Tryst Birthday, huh?
      Thank you lil Mama!!
      I love that you are a Tryst VIP!!!

      XOXO

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