The Moment – Post Traumatic Stress

The Moment
Post Traumatic Stress
**
And then one day
You are somewhere in the world
With this feeling deep inside
A feeling that something is wrong
You just know
That something is not  right
You don’t know what it is
But it is something
This feeling is real
Unknown to what your senses are telling you
You tell the feeling to go away
Go away … you say
Just go
You don’t know what else to say …
 
That’s when the moment arrives
The moment you are brought into the white room
Told to sit down and listen
Told that this will be some difficult news
 
At first I heard the words
Echoing inside my head
Echo … echo … echo …
No no … he can’t be dead
No no … you must be wrong
No no … it can’t be my person
No no … you don’t understand
No no … please check again
No no … You’ve got the wrong man
Right … ?
What … ?
Oh no … don’t say the words
Oh no … no no no not my brother
Oh no …oh my God oh my God
Oh no … I can’t feel my hands
Oh no … my chest is tight
Oh no … I am gasping for air
Oh no … this doesn’t feel real
Oh no … no no no not my little brother
Oh no … no no
My knees hit the floor
My hands slip as I try to brace my fall
Dizzy in my head
Blur … blur … blur
My sight is seeing red
On the ground with people all around
Muffled are their voices
Blurred by my tears
Drowning my eyes inside my head
Say it’s not true
My brother can’t be dead
I must get out of here
As I am now trapped in hell
No where to go
No where to run
I need some air
I’m coming undone
I stand up on my legs
They quiver in physical shock
My throat is tight & dry
Get me out of this room
Am I really here right now
This can’t be real … it can’t be real
I take myself outside
Underneath the sky
Looking up into the clouds
Looking for his face somewhere …
Screaming … I start to scream NO
Screaming … SCREAMING … scream
I scream his name over and over
Hand on my breaking heart
Bent over I sob … I sob
I can’t seem to catch my breath
I can’t seem to let myself feel
That any of this … is real
This can’t be real, right?
This can’t be real …
This can’t be real …
That’s my brother … my baby brother
That’s my life … he is a part of me
Oh no … I love him so much
So much, my brother … NO
Shock …
I’m in shock …
Panic …
I start to panic …
No no … I’m not done!!
I’m just not finished
I have things to tell him
I have things to say
I have to let him know
Oh my God … I didn’t tell him goodbye
He needs to  hear me say ‘I love you’ one more time
One more time … just once more
I … I am not
Finished
I … have so much to
Oh no … no not my brother … no
Why?
How?
What happened?
Where did he go?
What did he need?
Why Dave oh no … why?
What am I supposed to do now?
I need you here
What about mom & dad
They need us both
They are getting older
I told them that I’d always be here for you Dave
I told them that you will be ok
I can’t breathe … I just can’t breathe
Let me catch my breath …
Someone tell me something
Someone tell me what to do
What am I supposed to do
My whole life had you in it
Life doesn’t make sense without you
And the last time we spoke …
Oh my God … the last time
The last time we spoke was the last time we spoke
It was the last time I’d ever hear your voice
I didn’t know that … I didn’t know
How could I know that
I’m sorry … I’m sorry
I need to call your phone
I’m calling your phone
It’s ringing … ringing
I hear your voice
Bus it’s your voice mail
I’m holding the phone
My eyes are burning
My heart is aching
I slide down the wall
Phone drops to the floor
I sob for you … I sob
Tell me this isn’t real
This isn’t real
Hole
There is a hole in my heart
 
Now what …
 
~ Sis
 
**
 
This is something I felt like trying to put into words.
I didn’t do it much justice … these words are so light, compared to … this event that haunts me and recurs in my mind all the time … no justice.
**
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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
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21 responses to “The Moment – Post Traumatic Stress

    • Really ..
      When I read back through it … I didn’t know how it would read to others … if the impact of that moment would be expressed.

      I’ve been having a hard time with this, more so lately because we are going through the trial … for the person who killed him … it’s hard, to say the least

      But this moment, I have flash backs of this exact moment … and I wonder how long they will keep happening.

      Thanks Deana. You are such a good, kind soul.
      XO~J

      • Oh wow. Thank you D. Knowing you, I believe that you pulled out of this, what I intended .. more so than most … such a hard moment .. that haunts and haunts my life .. and my hole, where Dave should be, is now my hole forever … 😦

      • Yes .. I have good friends .. but I don’t like to ask things of them, especially with something this heavy, something of this magnitude … it’s a lot to ask of people. Death by murder is the most terrible thing ever … and I can’t expect anyone to understand unless it has happened to them directly … people can have a idea, but never truly understand …

        But I thank you MUCHO for being one of my great friends whom I can count on!! XOXO

  1. OMG Jen,
    You say that, to you, these words aren’t enough to express that horrific moment. And I completely understand your feeling, but this piece did give me a whole new perspective on human grief. I feel for you my friend. My heart goes out to you in the most caring way. If you ever need a shoulder to lean on, or just someone to listen…….. Anyway, I also hope that as time passes it will become easier to accept your brothers absence, and remember the best of times. Carry those with you forever my friend.

    J.

    • Again, you say the kindest things to me. Thank you for that J. 🙂
      I am glad that you felt this piece … that is what I was trying to accomplish … using these words that I picked so carefully, to describe this moment that haunts me, that I see over and over in my mind like a movie, and that still to this day can make me cry harder than anything … this moment, I am still in shock from this moment, the post trauma of it hurts so bad, and nothing seems to make it stop.

      Im curious as to what kind of light I shed upon you about grief? Just curious, really …

      I too hope that time will lessen the pain and torture of this memories of this moment. Time … hopefully … heals wounds and grief … hopefully ..

      XO ~ J.

      • Jen,   Wanted to reply to this via email instead of the thread.   Your words were so powerful and did a tremendous job relating the horrific (no words strong enough really) experience you are reliving in your head.   The light that was shed regarding grief is just how powerful, haunting, crippling, unfair, and unrelenting it is. There is no way I will ever be able to relate to the magnitude of what you are going through and my only wish is to somehow help relieve that pain even just a little.   I do firmly believe that good friends and family support will help lessen the weight of this terrible burden that has been cast upon you. I see you mentioned that you hate to ask for help from friends especially with something like this, but true friends will not need to be asked and I hope you will take as much help as you can to get through this. Never try to fight this battle alone. I wish nothing but the best for you, and hope you find the love and healing you so truly deserve my new friend. I just receive so many good vibes from the kind of person you seem to be and would hate to see that tarnished by such trauma and grief.    Please try to keep your head up and fight hard. I will be here if you ever need any support.   John   (JMC)

        ________________________________

      • You are right about good friends and family being helpful in the healing process. It is the moments when I am alone, with only my thoughts, my tears, my feelings and my heart and mind that are the toughest … although, it is in those moments alone that I can truly listen to myself, my senses and my heart and know exactly what I need without the influences of others. In these painful battles of life, we seek help and answers outside of ourselves, when the truest resolutions to our needs and healing, are right inside of us all along. It is in great pain and suffering and grief that it is hard to hear those internal messages and needs. It is just really hard all together.

        I never until now, going though this, knew pain in my heart of this magnitude. It has literally de-sensitized me of pain .. other things in life that hurt .. because nothing compares to this.

        I can’t believe that this is my life. I can’t believe that this is what I am going through. I can’t believe that my brother is gone. I don’t want to believe it .. or feel it .. or say the words out loud. But I can’t fight it. It is real. It is over. And I stand here, with each coming breath, a woman on the road of life, that has to keep on going, and living and doing whatever it is that I’m supposed to do. Whatever my purpose, here, I do not know .. I do not know where I should be, or what I really need to be doing .. I feel like I am at the crossroads, with this empty hole, the darkness that resides in my corner, helpless to my parents, confused by my place in this family, angry by my inability to answer certain questions and vulnerable to so many things … yet, my little bit of strength is what keeps me standing here, going through the motions of each day, in hopes to find myself someday, standing on a beach, looking out at the sea, knowing that I have found a place that feels like home and I have fulfilled at least some of my dreams … knowing that I am loved and safe and not in a temporary situation, but home. Right now, I don’t feel at home … not here in this city … this city killed my brother and it is not the place for me.

        Yes … my ‘free spirit’ is waiting to fly … far away from here to where the waves roll up on to the shore, where the sun sets on the sea and I can get lost while I sit there watching it, in a place that has the elements of this beautiful universe all around me, not this desperate, sad hole with quicksand streets and suffocating souls of the city I currently survive in … this is not my home and I am barely holding on while I live here …

        I am ready to go …

        Thank you so much for every kind word you have given me since the beginning of our connection and friendship. It means so much to me to know that there are good, kind souls in the world, other than myself. I feel very out numbered most of the time, because the way I am built is not like most of the world … my heart and soul is very sensitive, deep thinking, very different than most. But you give me hope, that there is kindness out there, among all the cruelty and hatred.

        XOXO

  2. Omg Jen, how gut wrenchingly powerful. I am sorry for your pain. I am so glad you could spit out your words. It is sad there are no answers. As someone who knows that feeling of loss I can only say time is our friend when hurting and I know (and you know) your brother hears you. 🙂

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