Verse 101

Verse 101

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Fallen down
On to hard, concrete ground
Fallen through my hands
I am lost, far from found
Off in the distance
Here comes the rain
Inside of my mind
I feel the pain
Fallen down
The walls around me
Fallen through the cracks
I have tried, so hard
Time and time again
Here comes the rain
Inside of my mind
I feel the  pain
~J. Lefever~
11/04/13
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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Whispers … (Revisited)

This is something I wrote some time ago for my Soul to Shine space. Tryst is, and will always be, my main blog writing space with the most content and the deepest looks into my truths and my realities … but I created my little Soulshine space for the little pieces with a BIG meaning.

The history and story of what Soulshine is to me and how it came about in my life is something that I have not really shared in great detail. For those who know me, understand what Soulshine is just by knowing me and how my energy works. I am alive in my heart, I am alive in my spirit and everywhere I go, I am a giver and sharer of my Soulshine. I honestly can’t imagine being any other way … and why would I? This is who I am.

Sometimes fewer words have a much bigger impact. That is what you will find in Soul To Shine.

Here on Tryst, I write much more …

I cut and paste this little bit because it suddenly POPPED up in my notifications the other day, and as I said, I wrote it some time ago. This little notification brought me to this piece and I read through it.

This was a Free Write. And one of my favorite Free Writes. So I wanted to share it here … because, well, because I just did.

I hope it reaches someone … anyone … even just one single soul … and they enjoy reading the words as much as I did when writing them.

XoXo

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Whispers

…she is the moon, up in the sky… she becomes the stars, when you make her cry… her music sings painful melodic blues, telling of times when she had felt used… when you hear her whispering words in the air, listen closely to what you hear… she is telling you that the world can be cold, but you can still have love that is warm to hold… she will tell you that pain will make you stronger, by giving you wisdom to living longer… she will tell you to be aware of all of your time, because time is short and you can’t rewind… she will tell you that yesterday has come and gone, don’t live in the past, it’s a truthful song… she whispers that love is the ultimate gift, to have, to hold, to give, and to wish… so love with your heart, and let your soul shine on through, and never, ever, stop being true to you…

 …Jen Lefever

*****

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  ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Karma Police

Karma Police

*** Tryst Free Write ***

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Sitting, waiting and watching … patiently … is Karma.

People may not ever realize that Karma is watching, or that it is even real … but it is.

Karma has much more patience than we can even imagine. That is why when we are stumbling around, down here on earth, waiting for someone’s Karma to show up, or even our own, and we can’t understand why it is taking so long.

Well, Karma, I have learned, waits for the perfect moment. A moment that we can’t see coming, a moment that we are totally unaware of, a moment that we can’t even anticipate. There are all reasons for Karma, and why it exists, and how it works … Karma is the link to our inner most judge and jury, that of which knows us better than we know ourselves. Karma always knows when we have lied, cheated, stolen, hurt out of vengeance, acted out of pride, hidden out of gluttony and lied out of lust … yes, there are many things that we do as people, and there are many things we think we keep to ourselves, things that we think no one knows … but even if that is so, even if we were extremely careful, and did not get caught, even if we were able to keep something we have done a complete secret from anyone and everyone, except ourselves, even if this is so, we can never keep secrets from Karma (And of our God, as we understand him) … I believe that those 2 things, those 2 infinite beings, those 2 incredibly powerful entities always know what is in our hearts, minds and souls. Karma and our power of a higher being always know if we have good intent, if we are really trying, when we are really hurting, when and if we are right or wrong, if we are treating others well & kind, if we are treating ourselves well & kind, if our intent is good and for the better, if we have really changed our ways for the better, if we are real or not, if our actions match up to our lives and if our lives match up to our thoughts and if our thoughts match up to our inner most wants, needs and desires … they know, us better than we can even imagine, they know what we are doing, what we deserve and where we are going …

I get lost thinking of these things … a lot lately.

I think of these things as I go through this murder trial … praying for justice for the life of my brother, and yet, all the while knowing that none of it really matters. I won’t ever see my brother again. So, none of it really matters.

But Karma, Karma watches … waits … and as much as I want Karma to come down and get to work on the person who killed Dave, I know that I have a long time to wait for Karma to show up on this matter. I know that Karma will. I believe that you can’t possibly take a life, a life that wasn’t even threatening another, take it and just walk away, unaffected by it, with no life consequences upon your own … this cannot be the way it works in the world. Not under this sky, not under the power of higher being who watches us and protects us … this cannot be. So, I believe that Karma will show up, quite some time from now, in its usual fashion, at a time and place beyond my understanding, to pay its dues …

Impatient me waits … for patient Karma Police … to show up and teach someone a lesson … even though I know that, no matter what, Karma will never hurt this person as much as this person has hurt me and my family … Karma doesn’t work that way …

Karma teaches us in other ways …

Has Karma ever taught you?

Has Karma ever given you pain to feel?

Have you learned to change your ways because of the things that Karma has shown you?

~J. Lefever

(10/09/13)

*****

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Time After Time

Time

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I have often been puzzled over the apparent acceleration of time as I get older.  Why does time seem to go by so much faster now than when I was younger?  I conclude this to be a personal matter of perception, a phenomenon provoked by my growing awareness of my own mortality, the fact that I’ve crossed over into my 30′s and it may be more challenging to think of the glass half full as opposed to half empty… but I continue to remain quite positive.

Personal perception or the reality of time itself, I have always harbored a certain resentment towards time.  I do look back with regret over many things, over time that I’ve wasted, or all things I should have done, said, went to, not said and not done.  As I move forward, I strive to make the most of the rest of my life.  My life, my path, my karma, my choices, all monumental and moving in their own ways, have shaped and remarkably changed me, and I refuse to be one of those that says, “I wish I would have…”  But some days, I’m still rendered unsatisfied with where I am in life, all the while knowing that I’m on my way, I can’t get it all in one short day, there is a whole process to getting from point A to point B.  I sometimes go to bed at night and nag at myself for the things I didn’t get done that day, reminding myself that the process takes time, and I still have tomorrow.  But how many tomorrow’s I have, there is no guarantee there, but that’s a whole other conversation in itself.

In my past experiences, it’s all the in-between that seems to be the most memorable.  All the things that happened from A to B, and in those memories, the time I remember I not only cherish, but I share, I logically pick apart, I pass on, I write about, I analyze, and I recognize as valuable to my life and to the pieces of me that make up my spirit..

Time.  Everyone knows that time can be quick and slow.  Sharp and quiet, long and short, true and false, and all of these at once.  Everyone knows that time is not a fixed commodity.  Time is not mechanical, uniform, steadfast, or absolute.  Time, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.  There is no universal clock ticking off the seconds by which we all grow.  Everyone knows that time is relative, slippery, illogical, and unchangeable.  The time in each day is a predictably proportioned sequence of morning, noon, and night, and just like the day before, we can expect the same today and tomorrow.

Time.  We have means of measurement that have themselves been often altered to be the most precise and accurate, evidence of our attempts to nail down time and gain a sense that we are one step ahead… But no matter how persistent (or consistent) we are in measuring time, it still eludes us.  Time itself is something else again, not a thing at all but a force like the wind, undeniable but invisible, and yet evidence of it is apparent everywhere, for better or worse, it’s effects are all around us.

***

I have written about time before and found in the process, then and now, that most of what I think I know about time seems to change, depending on the time of my life that I’ve chosen to analyze my thoughts on this popular paradoxical subject of mine.  But how many ways can we reference time?  Time passes, time flies, time flows.  Time, we have been told, is a gift.  Time is an avenger, a devourer, a destroyer, a disordered thing.  Time, we hope, heals all wounds.  We talk about spending time, serving time, doing time.  We talk about buying time, borrowing time, stealing time.  At one time or another, we have all had time on our hands, time to squander, time to kill.  More often we say we are pressed for time: like a shirt, like grapes for wine, like a flower in a book, like a hand against a heart.  Time, we say, has run out on us: like milk, luck, or an unfaithful significant other.  So much time, we complain, is lost: like sunglasses, car keys, or our souls…

Time, I once thought, has always been a monkey on our backs.  Time, like gravity, is irrefutable.  Time, I once read, is just God’s way of keeping everything happening at once.  We teach our kids to tell time: like a fortune, a lie, or a story.  The truth is you cannot tell a story without it.  Time is the medium of history and change.  Without time, history does not exist.  Neither does a story of any kind.  In a story, one thing happens after another…and then and then and then.  Time is the natural propellant of narrative, and one of the luxuries of story is being able to move around in time in ways you never can in real life.

The truth is, you cannot even write one single sentence without it.  Past. Present. Future. Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow. Beginning. Middle. End. Sooner or later. Then and now… It was once said that time is the longest distance between two places.  One of those places is then, the other is now.  Is it an accident that the word, then, refers to both the past and the future?  While the word, now, is just an attempt to isolate the present moment?

As much as I think of time, I find it hard to imagine the end of time.  I can’t imagine the end of time with my family and loved ones, or their end of time on Earth.  And even as it is impossible for me to imagine the end of time, the end of the world, still I also believe that time itself will continue, even if all else ends.  I am predisposed to eternity.  I find infinity easier to believe in then some future moment when time itself will stop.  Truthfully, the more I think about time, the less I understand it, the less I grasp any sense of it.  I do know for certain that I have lived through time, my time, extraordinary time, and ordinary time.  I have wasted time, served time, done time, had productive time. I have had precious time, memorable time, remarkable time, incredible time. I have had too much time and not enough.  I have waited for time to go by and wished that it would just stop dead in its tracks.  I have had time to laugh and time to cry.  I have thought of time as my enemy and also as my friend.  I have been in time, on time, and beyond it… Just as I have always been, I am, and I will be.

~ Jen Lefever

*****

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Enjoy these related articles:

Little You ~ A Tryst Re-Visit

Little You

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Imagine… At this point in your life, after every moment you have lived up to this very moment… if the child version of you walked in to the room and reached up to you, the adult you, to be picked up and put in your lap… looking at you, the little you, say five years old or so… what would you tell this tiny child? What would you say to your five year old, innocent self…?

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…this question, this deep rooted, emotionally moving, moment of pivitol words to be spoken only to yourself, from you as an adult to you as a tiny, sweet and innocent child, was asked of me by a person I respect very much. When I close my eyes, and picture myself at five years old, and picture my five year old self looking at me now… it made my heart beat fast. I had tears in my eyes. It gave me the urge and desire to want to hold and hug this little girl… me. To look at my five year old self and say, ‘I’m so sorry sweet baby’, is only the beginning. Of course, I have thought about this. I have thought about this very hard. I was forever moved by this question and will use this little exercise from time to time to remind myself that underneath my skin, behind the eyes of me as a grown woman, was once the heart, mind and spirit of an innocent child that did not know any better. As we all start this way, young and small and unable to protect ourselves, then we grow up and in the more time we spend on this earth, how many times have we hurt ourselves? How many times have we forgotten to love ourselves? Or not protected ourselves? Or disapointed, shamed, scared or even lied to our very own selves…?

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I would tell my little self to love myself in every single moment. I would say that if you don’t love your own heart, even one time, then it will be weak and in life you need a strong heart! Others cannot love you if you don’t love yourself. And if you don’t love yourself then it is impossible to give love and to receive love. I would tell my little self that I am very sorry for the times I hurt you and let you down. Learning in life, growing up I didn’t know everything and I never meant to hurt little you, but sometimes I did. Sometimes I forgot about little you and left you alone in the dark, or out in the cold rain. For all of those times when I didn’t know any better, I hope little me can forgive me… image

It does take strength to forgive, little innocent me, so practice this virtue. I would tell little me to remember that I have always loved my tiny heart, my tiny self, and love is what has kept me, us, going. To love is the greatest thing, to be loved is truly priceless and always give to others what you would want for your own self. That is the magic of karma, and karma is always there, right behind you. I would tell little me that I’ve never given up and I never will. I’ll always be here, for me. image

This is a very powerful image, for the mind and spirit. To anyone who reads this, imagine little you sitting on your lap… what would you say? After all the things you have been through, seen and survived so far .. is there anything important enough to tell your little self .. ?

~ Jen

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© Think. Speak. Tryst Publication

For a lovely and beautiful poetic piece that goes brilliantly with this, visit Edward Hotspur’s site Lyrical Anarchy and read Time’s Fleeting Glances

Another beautiful soul that I have recently encountered in my life, you will find her words truly heart-warming, inspiring & will leave you with tears of joy as she is a brilliant example of Human Kind at its up-most Loving-kindness. She has become one of my favorite writers and I look forward to her posts daily!

Visit The Other Side of Ugly by following this link, and let your eyes fall upon the words of The Ugly In Me by following this link. Both of these pieces reminded me of what I was thinking when I wrote this piece above. I know that you will enjoy, and you will find that the writer is an angel herself … among us all … right here in this world.

Seasonal Affective Douchebag ~ Tryst News

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Seasonal Affective Douchebag
Also known as ‘S.A.D.’  ~ Tryst News
 
Who is SAD this winter? …or every winter about this time?
 
Is anyone just sad right now? I’m talkin just gloomy, grumpy, maybe even pissed off that we gotta get up, and continue to go about our lives, while living in a place that literally dies every year? Take a look outside. The winter in the Midwest is a sad time of the year, no pun intended. The sky is rarely blue. It’s bitter fucking cold. The dead trees match the cold, grey sky, giving this flat land a vast view of what death must look and feel like. I hate this time of the year. And, I’m telling you, I’m an up-beat kind of woman, but even the winter here is enough blah, grey, deadness to get even my spark of a spirit down. Yeah man, I’m SAD alright… and it sucks really bad!!!
 
This time of year brings on a condition that has its controversy… is seasonal depression really real? Or is it something that we have created, to be able to identify with, or to give an excuse for, the wave of sad feelings and non-motivation that comes down and kicks us in the ass, every year about this time. Seasonal depression, is it not?
 
While ‘S.A.D.’ is known for ‘Seasonal Affective Disorder’, a condition that hipsters created to explain why they are grumpy. Works, doesn’t it? It’s the perfect acronym for this feeling. Well done hipsters!!
 
Some call it ‘S.A.D.’, some say it’s just a ‘Winter Depression.’ My favorite is ‘Seasonal Affective Douchebag,’ thank you Urban Dictionary, which states that this is a time when those who suffer from this particular problem, become nasty in the winter and for no other reason, other than it’s the dead time of the year.
 
You may hear another say they suffer from ‘Seasonal Dread,’ symptoms include feelings of hopelessness, personal lament, or melancholy that are directly related to long durations of unfavorable weather patterns or temperature. I heard that!
 
I have not researched this enough to give it the proper credentials to call it a legitimate problem or disorder. I don’t feel I need to. Why? Because I get this shit every year!! So it must be real, right?!! This year has been especially bad, and like in chronic stages the last couple of weeks! Here we are, in March, and there is more snow on the ground than Missouri has seen in the last three years combined. (That is a total guess, but I need something dramatic to go with my rant) Anyway, I understand that even in March, the idea of actual, real-spring time is still at least a month away. We won’t see regular sunshine and spring time warmness until the end of April, but shit, doesn’t that sound so far away? I don’t know if I can take this much longer without going postal or flying the coop!! I’m about to lose it!!
 
Incase you are still wondering about my diagnosis, here are some other symptoms of this shitty, ‘Seasonal Dread’ crap:
 
Feeling listlessness and board after being stuck inside a house throughout a Missouri winter with nothing to do except play Jenga by yourself. BORING!!
 
Hatred of mother nature for the unfortunate tundra region you live in. INDEED!!
 
Having moments where you want to give up, fall to your knees and cry… moments when you think that if you have to get up and look at one more dead, grey day… you just can’t predict what may happen.
 
While these are all symptoms of this seasonal shit we as Midwestern Missourians have to deal with every year, it gets even worse. We don’t even have fun winter stuff to do!! So it makes it that much harder to get through these winters!! No mountains to ski or snowboard, no rock climbing.. it’s so cold and dead that you basically hide from the outside… I think I’ve made my point.
 
I can’t imagine anyone wanting to live here in the Midwest during the winter. All I can say is, hang on… we are almost there.
 
Sadly I have no solution, other than re-location… which I’m not just considering, I WILL be doing here shortly… I can’t handle it another year!!
Someday soon, I will be sitting on a warm beach writing Tryst news… unfortunately, not soon enough!!
 
J. Lefever ~ Tryst News (03/02/13)
 
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I Quite Literally Don’t Know ~ A Free Write on Tryst

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A Free Write ~

 As time passes on, I feel much better knowing that I keep moving forward. But then I think of how it has been said that history repeats itself. It’s kind of true… I mean, looking at the events of this world, society, people, leaders, mis-haps, movies, literature, war, religion, politics, cultural & world events, contests, performances, and so on… There is some repetitiveness in life as we know it. For the controversial subjects as war, religion and politics, I pass on getting deep into those at this moment. But for other things, as much as we say we learn, move forward, forgive, what not… As much as we say that we don’t repeat the same mistake twice, because we’ve learned from our past, how does history still have a way of repeating itself?

Once I fall, for whatever the reason may be, I learn, gather my new wisdom’s, get the fuck back up, and go on with m life. I say, well I’ll never do that again, and for most things, that is true. Where I seem to have some noticeable repetition is in the more sensitive matters, like matters of the heart. Is it that those are just harder to change? Harder to adjust to? Do matters of the heart, that are not good for us, or me I should say, seem to be such a difficult challenge and almost impossible for me to change? I’m speaking in reference to relationships. Relationships of love, with a significant other. I’m not talking about friendships. That’s another free write, I suppose…

I have a history of not-so-good relationships. Funny, because it’s not like I can say, oh how un-lucky am I for not getting a great relationship every single time. I can’t say that because relationships are not pre-determined for us and selected, and handed to us at the appropriate times in our lives. No. We choose the one’s we decide to be with, calling us a couple, making a life together. Now, there is another flip to this coin, I say we choose our loves, but it’s really our hearts that do the growing of the fondness. This is true, but whether good or bad, we are in control of our lives, with having free will and all, so we also have the choice to end something, if it is not in our best interests. In some ways, we do have the power to control and choose, but in others, we don’t.

Healing from a broken heart hurts. No matter how good or bad the relationship. The ‘end’ of something is always hard. Why? Because it means change. And change is new, different, uncomfortable, and if it is a chosen change, we adjust easier, but if it’s a forced change, the road back to life seems much more a unomfortable pain in the ass. In my history of not-so-good relationships, I’m not sure why I chose the way I did, and why I rationalized things in my mind the way I did, but I imagine that it all was meant for something, some big lesson, or understanding that I may or may not ever understand. Why do some of us learn by much harder, massively emotional, even traumatic lessons, and others, float through life, untouched by the darknesses hands, unharmed by loves twist of pain, unaffected by the broken side of damage… and yet, some of us, get a heavy helping of these kind of experiences and realities.

So many questions I do have, all the time too. I am full of words tonight. I really sat down to write some kind of funny, or passionate fiction, but a free write is what happened. Isn’t life so unpredictable? As for a free write, love? Really Jen? Something so lovely, something we want, desire and crave all the same, yet, that very thing we want also comes with so much pain, heartache and with lies and deceit, broken promises… We will map out our entire futures when we have a new and exciting love. Falling in love is so much fun. Never entertaining the idea, the what-if, the fact of reality that this may not be the one forever. No, in the beginning we never think that. We fall in love, or fall in love with the idea of falling in love. If that is the case, then it’s not really love that has fallen, it is love that is forced, and in my experience, that kind of love is very bad for the soul.

We want what we want when we want it. Yes, I said that right. Read that sentence twice if you need to. It’s true, huh? One of life’s many paradoxes is just that. We want to be in control of everything, but we also want to have given the control to someone else. We look at the bad and the negative when we are down instead of looking at the happy, sweet, positive. We get stuck on one thing, fester in it, and make a huge deal out of it, when it was really very small and insignificant to begin with. We talk ourselves into things, using the magnificent powers of our minds, we can trick and fool ourselves into believing things that are utterly and completely ridiculous. Why all the unneccessary torture?

In quick conclusion to my free write here, if I’m picking apart my heart, soul and mind tonight, trying to learn something, just one thing about myself here, it’s that I believe that I… love people so much… that it’s very hard… for me to… let someone go. Especially if they have been close to me in the way of sharing love, time and our lives. I’ve always been very good to my friends and lovers. Yet I have never chosen to be with someone who is similar to me in that aspect. They say to treat others the way you wish to be treated. I have practiced this, and I continue to practice this to this day… yet, (shaking my head) I have such a painful past in the love department. My fault, yes. Other fault, kind of… but I had the choice to leave, or change, at any point. Why I stick around? It’s hard for me to go on, with the belief that someone is just hurtful, for no other reason, that to hurt another. I’ve psychologically broken these situations down, and I have made peace with my understandings of why people do some of the things they do…

I have today, all of this wisdom from relationships past, and I use the imprints of these memories to live today.

Love is, so confusing.

Love is something that I’ve written about my whole life, and yet, I still don’t understand it very much.

Love also changes, as we change.

Something to think about…

J. Lefever

Tryst Thought: Like the electric river that runs through the canyon, I have thoughts that are alive, running through the world of my very own mind.

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