House of Death

 

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House of Death

 It was thick in the air

Telling me to see

Through the mist

Fear not to be

Luring into

A foreign place

Wearing red and

Black lace

Voice in a whisper

As not to scare

But to seduce

My innocence

Into its lair

The land of death

Never seen before

Corners of which

Light shuts its doors

Get on your knees

And crawl to me

Looking down

Don’t try to be

Leave your strength

And armour behind

This place is not

For anything virtuous

This house of death

Takes all miraculous

Pulling it out

Of your very own heart

Leaving behind

You falling apart

You may think

It is black or red

But the house of death

Is in your head

Visiting you

When you least expect

Stripping you bare

Of Self respect

It will accept your challenge

If you dare to run

It will leave you burning

Under the sun

Best if you not

Look death in the eye

If it toys with you

Keep on walking by

 

~ J. Lefever ~

(03/02/13)

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
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Daily Reflection on Trystღ (02/16/13)

Daily Reflection (02/16/13)

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Milestones

My First 365

 

Lazy Saturday morning, I hope you are all having! Hello Tryst! I’ve been up since 7am because I had to be here at work this morning for a half day. Not so bad, half day & all, but I’ll shamelessly admit that if I didn’t have this work to do, I would be at home having a lazy Saturday morning for sure!! Probably sleeping in a little, eventually I would roll out of bed and make some coffee or breakfast, and then curl up with my laptop to play in all my networks and do some writing… still in my P.J’s, of course!! (Now I’m just torturing myself!! I need to stop talking!!)

 

I enjoy working, really I do. But sometimes, only sometimes, I dream of what it would be like to be a stay at home wife. To be able to do whatever it is that pleases me because my hubby brings home plenty of bacon and I am blessed with the freedom to do whatever… I would probably have a series of fiction novels by now because I would write my heart out!! Among many other things, I would have the time to learn to play my guitar better, and I would have the time to paint more (I do oil & acrylic on canvas, abstract, and some charcoal.. but I don’t have much time, ever..) For any of you out there that have this life, I hope you appreciate it, because to most, it’s like a dream.. Yes, I sit here on Saturday morning, dreaming of what that would be like.. humm.. (My mind trails off for a few minutes..

 

This morning, my reflective thought is on milestones. I use this word because my dad sent it to me in a text not too long ago, saying, “That is a huge milestone Jen! Be proud. Yo Dad is proud of you. Love you!” -Dad.

 

Today marks the day of one full year of being clean!

I am very proud of myself! There was a time when I never thought this possible. There was a time when I thought there was no hope for me. There was a time when I was inches from giving up completely. There were many times when I thought my life was destroyed beyond repair. There was a time when I thought my spirit was so broken and dead that it would never come back to life. There was a time when I thought I would never smile again… I could go on & on, but I am aware of all of these times, so the milestone that this day marks, to me, is incredible, amazing, wonderful, miraculous and so much more!

 

Believing in yourself starts from within. We ALL have the power to fight for what we want inside, we just have to make the effort.

No one could do this for me. No one. I did this, and it feels great!!

 

There were people, I’m sure, who said there was no hope for me.. Well.. the best revenge against people like that, is a life well lived!! (That is an actual take on a quote, but I’m not sure who said those words, so I’m not takin credit for them, just using them b/c they are awesome words!!)

 

For the goal setters out there, reaching a milestone is a great feeling!!

Keep pushing towards your goals, and make sure that you honor your milestones along the way!! There are some fights in life that only we can battle ourselves. And in those battles, when we succeed and reach a milestone, the glory and celebration is all ours!!

 

I hope you all have a wonderful Saturday!! ~ Jen

 

Tryst Thought: There are moments in our lives when we are our own kind of Rock Stars!! In those moments, let yourself shine and be proud!! You worked hard for the limelight to be all on you!!

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

Dark Intimidation

Dark Intimidation
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Thick, damp
It suffocates me
Covers every inch
Its hiding me
Scream into its silence, but
No one hears a word
Darkness so thick
It muffles my tiny sound
Making my way
As if I’m in a maze
The puzzle is it’s’ essence
It plays tricks on my mind
Luring me further & further
Down deep, to its very core
Obsessed by the challenge
I find myself again
Without steel, iron or blade, only
Armed with my soul
Intimidated shamefully
Yet I push on through
To find a glimmer of light
In the thickness of you
~ J. Lefever ~
(2012)
This piece was written last year… During a time when I was searching for my spirit…
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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

The City

The City

A Piece from the Inside

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Tryin’ to walk on water

Becoming that much stronger

The streets are destroying my mind…

Visions of bad wishes,

Is all that I find…

 

Take my hand

I will set you free

So the blackness says to me

 

Shaken in the bridge that I stand upon

Fear is the reality that I run from

Ghetto metropolis, I ask in need

Like the stranger on the bus, who

Has nothing to eat

Stand with your hand out and see

If the city feeds you

 

City has nothing for me

 

~~ J. Lefever ~~

(02/22/12)

 

I haven’t written a piece for the Heroin Journals in a while.

This piece is not something I wrote today, however, but it is one of my favorites.

I wrote this from the inside. About a year ago…

 

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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

The Victim & The Villain

This is… my most beloved of pieces. This piece is meant to be read slowly, to get the emotion in each word I chose to tell this story. This is a short story, about me. It is written poetically. I am happy to share it, and hope it is enjoyed and understood by those who read it. This is also the title of a book that I am currently writing… one of my writing projects that is very dear to my heart. This is the story of the Victim and the Villain. ~ J

 
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 The Victim & The Villain

 

I can tell you of days

When I was completely frozen

 

I can tell you of weeks that went by

And I didn’t even notice

 

I can tell you of mornings

I would wake up mad

Mad ’cause I was still breathing, still alive

…isn’t that sad?

 

I can tell you of a lady

Who was once alive in me

She was vibrant, and she smiled

She was what other’s wanted to be

 

But somehow, in her life, she became

Tragically sad…

Things began to happen

Now, She’s a Victim to all things bad

 

A run of bad luck, for a decade, or so…

But she was also the Villain of her story, you know

 

As much as she tried

To push the darkness away

The Villain within

Would not let her stray

 

The Villain was strong but

It needed it’s Victim down

And with all of the chaos

The Victim was stuck in her town

 

Further and further

Did her pure image go

But deep down inside

Her spirit would know

 

In a time and a place

She could rise up again

And put to rest

Her corruption, her sin

 

I can tell you of days

When I thought this impossible

 

I can tell you today

 

I have become remarkable

 

Only because

I can see inside

That I was the Victim.. and the Villain

In my very own mind

 

Playing the taunter

And being taunted by…

The miraculous strength of

Me, Myself, and I…

 

I can’t tell you who wins

The story of me

 

The Victim, the Villain, or the saviour to be…

 

But I am each one

Each integral part

 

That make up the Victim… and the Villain

Inside of my heart.

 

~~ J. Lefever ~~

(04/15/012)

 

I am both, the Victim & the Villain. This is a story about me.

A Woman Like This

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A Woman Like This

 

 How can I

Let others inside

To see a person

I’ve tried to hide

I hide myself

Cause I really don’t know

Who I am at all

So where do I go

 

How can I

Allow anyone to know me

If even I

Don’t know who I stand to be

I’m a little girl

Who is incredibly lost

I’m a grown woman

Who has faithfully fought

To mold and shape

To be OK

Only to survive

Each coming day

 

But I hate myself

For being so weak

For losing my soul

For not practicing what I preach

 

How can I

Find myself again

In a world that I

Have indulged in sin

Who could love

A woman like this

To simply love myself

Is all I really wish

 

~~ J. Lefever ~~

(05/20/12)

 

Another piece of my vulnerable spirit, when addiction had ahold of me. When I was chained down, using substances to free my mind, I was only killing myself, and wasting my time.

Addiction really turns you into a person that you’re not… I’m so glad I stood up and fought. I would fight again, I’d fight for me any day, I would find my voice, I’d use my strength in every way… I will never give up, and surrender again, I will never create that emptiness within…

 

 

Beautifully Broken

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Beautifully Broken

 
 

 
Inside a shell
You can find me hiding
I hate myself
I’m alive, but lying
Some do say
As they look right at me
That I am fake
As they judge what they see
If you listen
To my timid voice
As I hide myself
I do this by choice
Because I’m so lost
And I hate what I know
The little bit of me
I chose not to show
For as long as I can remember
My secrets had to hide
Told not to be me
Told I have no pride
So inside a shell
Or behind a wall
I hide my all
To prevent my fall
As a child I wandered
Alone in my life
No place seemed to fit
Nothing felt right
So as I grew
I lost every bit of I
Now a grown woman
Identity lost in a high
Of that, you see
I found narcotic charms
Comfortably numb
With heroin in my arms
So to this day
Brought forth to you
I’m terrified to be seen
I remain hidden in all that I do
Cause if I come out
Of that shell I know
And don’t seem to fit
Behind my walls I go
I’ve been raised without a voice
Invisible, never spoken
Who am I really
Except beautifully broken
 
~~ J. Lefever ~~
 
(05/14/12)
 
 
Another piece from the ‘inside’. I was going through a lot of things… identity crisis, loneliness, homesickness… & some anger and denial. In all of this, I see these words I wrote… the darkness that I created in my own life, & I was the only one to blame. I was never broken, or needed to be fixed… I just forgot who I was for a while. I just was a little lost. I was terrified to talk about my addiction, the thought of being honest about it paralyzed me. I was incapable of admitting that I was weak, and couldn’t just stop. I hated the fact that the drug made me lose self control. It is an awful feeling not having control over something, not being able to say NO, or I QUIT!  I didn’t let anyone in on these things and as a result, I hit the bottom… but also at that bottom, did I find myself again and finally woke up.