I Have Thought…

“I cannot explain it”, she said…

“Well, not everyone can do it… Not nearly everyone…” He continued, “I mean, its been over four years, since you’ve done it, and you just pick up your pen, and it spills out… All falling into place, as if you never, ever, stopped.”

He pauses for a moment to attempt to better understand, what it is exactly, that even he, himself, is defining for her at this very moment…

He continues…

“It has rhythm. It makes sense. Its pretty… Mostly… And sad too… But that’s how anyone who takes the time to absorb it, each word you seem to carelessly select, yet each word seems to fit, so perfectly, it often leaves your readers speechless… Intimidated to even try to speak upon what you’ve written… Because… Its good… Its real… I can feel it.”

He finishes his thought as he shyly looks over towards her…

She is sitting cross-legged by the window, tying a few strands of her hair into knots… Over and over again…

He cant help but to notice, as he can feel her present emotion so thick… Almost suffocating him as he shifts, sitting with the discomfort of her very real and undeniably raw sense of feeling, hanging in the room, like heavy drapes on big glass windows built on the front side of an enormous estate… The kind you drive by as a child, riding in the back seat of your parents car as a child… Thinking it must be like a museum inside… Intimidating in thoughts of being homelike… And not too comfortable either… But you still have wild, childlike fantasies of what it must be like… To be a part of a family that lives in one of those enormous, fancy and unrealistic estates that are actually considered a real ‘home’ to some people…

She was real…

And she was raw…

Always so open, like a book or a magazine…

He often wished he could communicate his life like she could… So open… So real… Captivating others like he has seen her do… More than a time or two…

“I cant explain it… I just pick up my pen and I let everything else go… I brush all the dirt from my mind… The tragic loss and deep pain too… I let go… And I just write… Its as if my soul is speaking… Yes, my soul, it is as if it’s dancing across the paper with words as its partner… Except its my prose that renders itself across the paper… And I don’t even know what I’m writing at the moment of first transcription… I truly don’t” she trails off, rather shyly…

He enjoys her shy smile as usual… Chosing not to interrupt her, as he most often does… hoping for a glance of her when shes feeling overly open and exposed… vulnerability is sweet on her and he likes it… more every time he witnesses it…

“Why now?” He asks, anticipating her response… Not having a clue what her answer could be… She is spectacular at presenting that moment revealing her element of surprise…

“Why now, after four, long, and may I say, four unbelievable years it has been for you… Since you wrote last… So, why, now… What is the significance of this time, right here, right now”, he asks her…

She is deep within her thought process… Deep in her deep mind… He can visibly see her soul at work… Pulling the perfect verbal response…

And after a few moments, she looks up to him and says, “Four years?”

“What is this ‘four years’ you keep pressing me about!?” She continues…

“Yes, I do believe, that I am ready, to speak on some things that my soul has been pushing for quite some time now…”

She pauses…

And she breathes deep…

Then with curious and lost eyes, she looks at him and says;

“But who are you? How do you speak to know so much on me! We’ve only just met!……”

***

I have some things to write about. And after all this, in due time, it is now… That I, finally come back up for air… To write about these things that I, have seen with my own eyes… Felt with my own hands… Heard with my own ears and tasted in everything that followed them…

I have thought.

It is time to speak.

…to be continued…

***

J.LeFever

Tryst Publication

2020

On & On

On & On

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What’s been going on

The world as I know it

Frustrating my every inch

Testing my very soul

The ways in which I

Do not understand reality

Permanently broken

Are the pieces of

Who I used to be

Shaken like a falling bridge

I stand in the shadows

Stubborn to let you see

Any moment of my frailty

I will whisper my stories

To those who sit and listen

And you can all watch me

As I cry

Millions of tears, falling from me

As words pour from my heart

Deciphering why my hands are bleeding

In the absence of my brother

In the missing of certain love

In abandonment of some people

In the confusion of cruelty

In the misdirected chaos

In the useless negative energy

In communicating all the reasons why

I have no idea why

Some things in life just don’t make sense

There are no answers as to why

Reasons unknown

Watch me as I cry

Falling down in this moment of time

Begging to hear a beautiful song

As my life goes on and on

This is what’s been going on

~ J. Lefever

09/05/13

*****

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Obsession Confession on Trystღ

 

Obsession Confession!!

 

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Vanilla Sundae with Caramel!! ~ Tryst Obsession

 

Here here!! Here it is!! I wanted to take just a quick minute to write a fun post, to follow my last one, about my most recent of obsessions!! As I have admitted before, sometimes I get hung up on things!! When I cross paths with something fabulous or delicious, I can’t help myself but to be ALL ABOUT IT!!

Gotta have it!! Gotta have what…??

So what’s been my thing these last two weeks is the Caramel Cup from Sonic!! It’s actually the Caramel Sundae, with extra caramel, extra whip & a cherry … but for only 2 bucks and a quarter you too can get this delicious, cool treat!! I have at least one a day!! Yes, that’s right!! I get a Caramel cup of deliciousness at least once a day, and I enjoy every bite, down to the last spoon full of vanilla ice cream and caramel!!

My last Tryst Obsession was CTC… Cinnamon Toast Crunch, which I went through boxes of this stuff like it was going out of style!! So funny, how someone who is an ACF certified Chef with such an advanced palette and a love & passion for gourmet foods, still enjoys the little sweet pleasures in life … like kids cereal and vanilla cups with caramel!!

XOXO ~ Jen

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Hitting Me Harder ~ Tryst Update

Hitting Me Harder ~ Tryst Update

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I have become quite the introvert.

I thought that I had become stronger. I thought maybe it was also a numbing effect. I thought that in the last three hundred and sixty-five days, I would have a better understanding of what life is like after my brother’s death. I thought that I’d find myself, a year later, grown, better, stronger, wiser, balanced, somewhat peaceful, among some other things … and unfortunately, here I find myself, still as confused as ever.

 

What do I really know anyway?

I have NO answers to the paradoxical questions that I mentally beat myself up with daily. I am still walking the same streets, working the same job, writing the same things, (my ongoing written projects that seem to frustrate me more than anything because I write pages and pages, then I go back to edit and think they sound completely stupid, so I delete and start over, back to where I was … oh the frustration!!), I am shooting pictures that seem to have no inspiration, portfolio on standstill, and I am getting distracted with little mindless tasks, in hopes to find something to spark my motivation, creativity, and something that will finally feel like I am truly inspired to act upon…

 

I am still searching…

Yes. Things are hitting me harder now then they were last year. I can speak for my parents as well on this matter. We all thought that we would be more put back together by this point. We were all wrong.

It just goes to show that no matter how old you are, how much life experience you have, or think you have, life still comes at you and you cannot always predict the end or outcome. We don’t always know where we will be and when we will be there.

These are the questions that drive me crazy!

I wish I could just shut my mind off, tune out completely … but that has NEVER worked for my active mind! I am always thinking … about everything … even stuff that really is pointless, I still give it enough credit to be a little important for me to entertain in my mind. (I have never been the kind of person to ignore anyone or anything … um, except myself … how ridiculous is that? … well, anyway …) So I think what it would feel like if I could shut my mind off and be still, not worry about anything, sit in complete silence … just, be

(Trying to do that now … just, be….

Hum… OK. So, I may need some more practice. I have meditated before, not regularly, but I do know how to meditate … for 30 minutes, maximum. Anything more than that is when I start to fidget and my mind pops up everywhere, wondering, and then all things are screwed up!! But, at least I can sit for a 30 minute meditation, better than nothing right?

It is our own minds that talk us out of most things anyway.

That is the truth!! If you didn’t hear that piece of immaculate wisdom above, read it again … Truth baby!! Our minds are so powerful and have such a strong influence over us, we often times don’t realize that WE are the center of our energy, thus creating most of our success, failure, joy, pain, happiness, etc… Yes, it is us!!

Today, I am going to pull myself out of introversion. I don’t really like it there anyway … it’s not me

I am still hopeful.

I am still searching.

I am still fighting to know, to be free, to know serenity, to give & receive love, to find purpose, to make a difference, to have a voice, to hold someone’s hand, to accomplish a goal, to connect with my brother in new ways, to understand it’s ok to NOT understand, and I am still fighting for internal love & kindness…

XO ~ Jen

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Jenny News ~ Tryst Update

Jenny News

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How Long Have I Been Gone...? ~ Tryst Update

I have had a very active schedule these past few weeks. I have had some things going on that are very awesome and exciting, and I have had the stress of some very tough/painful things going on as well.

The one year date of my brother’s death is tomorrow. This ‘first’ year without him has been very tough. As many of you know, those who have followed me loyally and read the things I write, I have had about a million up’s and down’s these last 12 months. (I actually haven’t been blogging for 12 months yet, so my Tryst family has only been linked into my life for the last 9 months, but still, 9 months is plenty of time to get to know me, as I am as real in my writing as any deep, emotional poet should be…)

The stages of grief have taken me through sadness, anger, resentment, depression, isolation and some emotional mini-drama’s … but I have survived none-the-less and here I stand, telling the world my stories.

I have some things coming up … I have been asked to get involved in programs like D.A.R.E, here in KC, where I will get the opportunity to talk to kids at schools and other youth groups about substance abuse, being a victim to acts of violence and the death of my brother. I am honored and excited to be a voice to these kids and tell them my stories and the things I have been through. If I only help one person, just one person, then it will be completely fulfilling to me. I hope to make the impression and teach the wisdom that life does not discriminate, no matter who you are, or where you come from … life happens to all of us. Life can be very hard at times, but there is always, there IS ALWAYS, light on the other side. You just need to never stop loving yourself, and you will be alright.

Other than that, I have been putting in 50 hour work weeks, at least, working like a dog!! And trust that I am tired like a dog!! Phew…

I have recently launched my photography business which is SUPER exciting for me!! I have purchased some new equipment and have been playing with my camera … I love my hobbies!! This is something I have been thinking about for a while now and finally decided to go for it!! I have studied photography in college and I’ve always loved it!! So, furthering my experience, I’ve been doing LOT’S of shooting, adding to my portfolio!! I know that great things have to start somewhere before they become great, so what better time than now? Plus, it’s good to keep busy with things I enjoy … it helps with the grief I feel in the absence of my brother.

I also became a part of a SUPER great nutritional business!! In college, I minored in Nutrition while getting my Culinary Degree, I thought the information would be a great credential for me to have alone with being a Chef, and it has proven to be just that!! I have come across some KICK ASS products and was offered the chance to be a part of this up & coming, fast growing business op … AND not only that, but I have used these products that I’m now sharing with the world and they are SO fantastic I can’t even believe it!!

I will probably post more about this with another post, more informative & what not … because this is just a Jen Update …

I have really missed my Tryst Family!! I have not been writing too much lately, and it has been three weeks since my last Daily Reflection. (I wrote a poem, yes, one lonely poem, in the last few weeks, but that has been all I have had time for    😦 <-sad face  Launching and writing of my web-sites has had me quite occupied!!

So how is my Tryst Family? I have a mail box Jam Packed FULL with all of your wonderful posts, in which I will dedicate a long Saturday to do some reading!! I always enjoy reading the wonderful talent of all of you as well, so rest assure, my inbox will stay full until I get to do some reading!!

Yesterday it was raining here, terenchal downpour!! But today, the air is clear and the sky is blue and it is just simply beautiful … not only that, but even though I am extremely tired, worn slick, beat down in every which way … I am still standing here, with a smile, a sleepy smile, but yes, life has me smiling …

I am grateful for many things today …

Enjoy your day Tryst!!

XO ~ Jen

*****

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In A Nut-Shell ~ Tryst Update

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In A Nut Shell ~ Tryst Update

 

Last weekend I posted a tweet that kinda made me laugh… I tweeted that I need to start writing things down! As in, making lists.. of things I want to do, need to do, have going on, and ideas that POP up in my head through out the course of the day. This made me laugh after I hit ‘tweet’ because, well, I am a writer!! I write ALL the freakin time!! How is it that I am forgetting things… ? What’s up with that?

 

In a nut-shell, I have been extremely busy. This has been a very good thing for my emotions and grieving (the loss of my brother), but it has been frustrating in other areas of my life.

 

In a nut-shell, I am NOT managing my time well! I have ongoing projects, things on the back burner, new things coming forward and millions of thoughts floating around in my head…

 

In a nut-shell, I really wish there were more minutes in the day… but then again, I’m glad there is not!! If I crammed any thing else into my already busy life, right now, I might lose it and go postal!!

 

… I am way behind in writing here, my Tryst Land has been seriously neglected!! I mean, I haven’t been doing even my Daily Reflections, and those I LOVE, because they really help to center my thoughts and feelings… I write them in hopes to help others, or maybe inspire, or heal, but they are really helpful to me and so when I don’t ‘reflect’ I feel like I’m ‘neglecting’ my spirit…

 

…I am behind in my book project and my manuscript… I have a poetry contest that I’ve been preparing for and have three hundred poems of mind to choose from, and have gotten NOWHERE in actually choosing!!

 

…My friendships, which mean the world to me, and most of which, my really good friends who don’t even live in KC, I have been meaning to pick up the phone and here I am… still needing to make my friendly ‘Jen-calls’ to my peeps… I miss my people!!

 

In a nut-shell, I am freakin busy!! I have a new business that just started and work on top of that… where am I going to find some more time? Better time management? Or even just some peace and freaking quiet? When will things be simple and calm?

 

Meanwhile, I have the one year date of my little brother’s death looming over my head… and words do those feeling absolutely ZERO justice…

 

This has been a Tryst Update. Brought to you by Jen, who is just a girl, trying to stay afloat, in a crazy, ever-changing world.

 

Xo

 

*****

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I Will Survive ~ Tryst Update

I Will Survive ~ Tryst Update

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Well, well…

This was a tough weekend…

 

I was trying to hold myself back as much as possible from popping off at the mouth, and I don’t think I did a very good job. I got off on some social media, telling the town off and declaring how much I hate it here. Did I feel better afterwards…? Maybe a little… but it’s always like this for me, as soon as the angry words start flowing, they don’t want to stop!! And it turns into, ‘Oh, I need to add this…’ & ‘I should have said that!’ …

 

But, in the end, I found myself on a Sunday night, wondering if the few people who originally pissed me off even read my FB blast in which I told everyone how fake and two-faced they are and how they need to stay out of my business… going on to explain how I’m leaving this city cause I can’t stand all the shit heads that don’t mind their own…

 

You know, I hear other people go on rants, on ALL of the social media outlets and blogs and such… so why do I feel like I even need to explain mine? The truth is that someone came to me and said that my brothers killing was set up and done on purpose… among some other things, and this just completely threw me over the edge!! I mean, this person has NO clue what was going on in my brother’s, mine, in our family’s life, so to make a statement like this, it is just pure cruelty and all fiction. It’s even more fucked up because that was my brother, so the emotional shit storm that it brought to my heart and mind was completely uncalled for!

 

My point on the things I posted was to make clear that I don’t point fingers and judge. I also don’t stick my nose in other people’s business… especially when it involves the sensitive emotion of the death of a loved one. That is so disrespectful. Don’t people have any manners? Couth? That is just…. completely fucked up!!

 

In the end, I will survive… and I will be on a beach someday, not looking back at the place I came from, as there is nothing to look back and see…

 

~ Jen

*****

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I’M OBSESSED ~ Tryst Update

I’m Obsessed!! ~ Tryst Updates

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..Cinnamon Toast Crunch..

I have known that I have an addictive personality for most of my life. It is no surprise that when I like something, I want more & more of it! This is common, this addictive personality. I know that 85% of the population of this world are addicted to something, statistics don’t lie. Which actually makes me quite normal, kinda nuts huh?

Anyway, sometimes when I get on something, I get hooked and I just crave it daily!! These little obsessions, or hooks, happen all the time since I’ve entered the world of sobriety. I don’t mind either!! I feed my healthy cravings and obsessions!!

This week I am hooked on the classic kid’s cereal Kellog’s Cinnamon Toast Crunch!! It was on sale at the store and has been forever since I’ve had some. So, I bought a box and I’ve not been able to put it down since!! I’ve had cereal for breakfast, lunch and dinner… and, I think I’ll go have another bowl right now…

If you enjoyed this cereal as a kid, and haven’t had a bowl in years, I suggest you go and grab a box of this delicious goodness!! I believe that we are never too old for kid cereal!! If we don’t have things we enjoy in life, what’s the point of being here? Life should be made joyful… and good… like this cereal!! HA!!

Have a great day Tryst!! XOXO

~Jen

*****
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I am not your Puppet ~ Tryst Update

 
 
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I am not your puppet ~ Tryst Update
 
This evening is the end of a very long day. This evening wraps up a very long week. This week has been very very productive, I must say! I am sitting here, thinking about all that I got done this week, and I gotta pat myself on the back! Good job Jen! I was busy and organized and got all my responsibilities done! Good feeling to have, especially when you have a mountain of things in front of you… that I do… along with emotional roller-coasters, and psychological abuse from the fam… it is a lot to handle all at once!!
 
Sometimes there are personalities who are very strong. There are personalities who are very smart. The intelligent and the wise don’t always use their wisdom in the best of ways… sometimes, that wisdom is used to manipulate others. ((Note, a stupid person can’t really manipulate others… it takes a certain kind of mind, a certain level of intelligence to be able to do this)) ((Also note, most addicts do a lot of manipulating… addicts, contrast to popular stereo-type, can be very smart. So, we do have the knack, the ability, the mind power to manipulate others to get things, or to believe things, whatever))
 
I have done my share of this exercise. Manipulation. I am not proud of it. But because I have done it, because I have practiced it, because I have somewhat succeeded in it, because I have almost obtained a PhD in it… that means I can recognize when it is being done to me. Yep. I said it.
 
You know the saying, ‘You cannot bullshit a bullshitter’ ? It is common sense. You cannot fool a fool… you can’t manipulate a manipulator!! It just cannot be done!! Sure, you can try. Go on! Give it your best shot! But I guarantee that you will be caught, it won’t work, your little plan of trickery will not go through because you can’t pull one over on someone who knows how to do the very same thing.
 
I think I’ve made my point here…
 
What is my next point then…? It is obvious that I am going through some things… I mean, I have some ducks in a row… but they are not lined up in perfect unison, yet… I still have some hurdles and some work to do… but I still have a whole life in front of me. What about the ducks then? I have some good ducks and I have some ducks that may wander, or fall down, or go swimming in the pond when I didn’t say it was ok… ((HAHA, I have totally gotten off on this duck thing, but I have a point.. I promise))
 
What I’m trying to say, what I’ve said before, is that in life, nothing is ever fucking finished, perfect, happy ending… there is always going to be something you face, have to deal with, are working on, get forced into… whatever!! Some things are not your choice. Changes happen that you do not orchestrate. Those changes are fucking uncomfortable!! But, we have to deal with them.
 
Some of my ducks are crossed right now because I am not only grieving the loss of my brother, who was taken from my life last June, but since this tragedy took place, my family has just broken to pieces. As a result, I pretty much have been forgotten about. It’s almost as if Dave and I died at the same time. I could be invisible, and nothing would matter… this is a very painful reality for me right now.
 
I guess my evening ramblings here are to empty my mind of some things… Above, I say I’m not a puppet because I am the one who controls the things, the atmosphere, the people, and the activity in my life. I know that my family is hurting right now, with the loss of one of our four, but even though I am the sibling that is left, I am no one’s puppet. No one should be telling me what to do, or how to feel, or using manipulation to make me feel like my feelings are wrong. Not validating someone’s feelings is emotional abuse, and it is very painful, especially coming from a parent or a close loved one. The death of my brother is not an excuse I pull to write pieces or shed tears… it is the most painful thing I have ever felt inside of my heart. And sadly, what has come with it, is two parents who, don’t even know they are doing this but, ignore that I’m here, lash out, take their pain out on me, look at me like they are angry that I’m the one here… all kinds of shit that sucks… and then use manipulation to tell me that I am selfish for things, like when I get completely left out of important family events, things that are important enough for my mother to invite a friend… but not me, not her forgotten daughter… In their grief, they have abandon the one they have. Which I have been told by my therapist, is quite common. When a family, when two parents lose a child, sadly sometimes, they get so caught up in their sadness, they forget about the child that is still alive, or they over-compensate with someone else, like a daughter or son-in-law… never in a million did I think I would be in this place… never..
 
Distance.
 
I needed this rant tonight. I need the distance from this place. It is not good for me here. I don’t belong in this city. I will go one day… Yes, one day soon, I will go…
 
For now, I am still holding on…
 
J. Lefever
 

*****

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Creating Illusion ~ Tryst Update

Creating Illusions ~ Tryst Update
 
There was a time when the world was my oyster.
That time seems so long ago.
I was a vibrant youth, running around the world.
Alive, with every breath I swallowed up joy.
Then life happened and everything changed.
The world turned grey and things I love went away.
Now I’m grown, but I’m broken inside.
Most days I feel invisible.
There was a time when I thought I’d never know sadness.
I must have been fooling myself.
Sadness came and it won’t seem to leave.
 
The world is full of many things.
That is the wisdom… right there
It is pretty some days, and dull the next
There is sadness here, as well as joy
There are rainbows for every storm cloud
Tears for pain and laughter for happiness.
 
For my invisible days
I ask myself, why am I hiding?
It’s me that creates the illusion of invisibility
Not others…
 
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I can’t always explain why certain emotions come & go. There are just reasons beyond other people’s understanding… and that is OK! Not everyone is supposed to understand why my heart cries…Just as I should not UNLOAD all my tears onto others.
 
I have a very good life. I have a very normal life. I am a good person, like most of us… But, my life is different & unique, as each one of our lives are. It is mine. There are a couple of things that I have going on in my life that are, quite ridiculous. But no matter how much I despise them, I have no choice. Just gotta get through them. These are the things that can bring me down a little because I know I’m quite honestly ‘too-good’ to be going through this shit… but still, life sure doesn’t discriminate, does it?
 
Sometimes, being alone is a really good/healthy thing for the soul.  ((I try to tell my husband this, but he doesn’t like to hear it. He doesn’t like to be alone at all!)) He doesn’t understand why I pack up my car and go to my lake house to get away and just be alone. I NEED to be alone with my thoughts. To clear my head. To listen to my heart.
 
Only in the space of solitude… do I find true internal peace and reason.
 

♥Jen

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