On & On

On & On

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What’s been going on

The world as I know it

Frustrating my every inch

Testing my very soul

The ways in which I

Do not understand reality

Permanently broken

Are the pieces of

Who I used to be

Shaken like a falling bridge

I stand in the shadows

Stubborn to let you see

Any moment of my frailty

I will whisper my stories

To those who sit and listen

And you can all watch me

As I cry

Millions of tears, falling from me

As words pour from my heart

Deciphering why my hands are bleeding

In the absence of my brother

In the missing of certain love

In abandonment of some people

In the confusion of cruelty

In the misdirected chaos

In the useless negative energy

In communicating all the reasons why

I have no idea why

Some things in life just don’t make sense

There are no answers as to why

Reasons unknown

Watch me as I cry

Falling down in this moment of time

Begging to hear a beautiful song

As my life goes on and on

This is what’s been going on

~ J. Lefever

09/05/13

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Obsession Confession on Trystღ

 

Obsession Confession!!

 

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Vanilla Sundae with Caramel!! ~ Tryst Obsession

 

Here here!! Here it is!! I wanted to take just a quick minute to write a fun post, to follow my last one, about my most recent of obsessions!! As I have admitted before, sometimes I get hung up on things!! When I cross paths with something fabulous or delicious, I can’t help myself but to be ALL ABOUT IT!!

Gotta have it!! Gotta have what…??

So what’s been my thing these last two weeks is the Caramel Cup from Sonic!! It’s actually the Caramel Sundae, with extra caramel, extra whip & a cherry … but for only 2 bucks and a quarter you too can get this delicious, cool treat!! I have at least one a day!! Yes, that’s right!! I get a Caramel cup of deliciousness at least once a day, and I enjoy every bite, down to the last spoon full of vanilla ice cream and caramel!!

My last Tryst Obsession was CTC… Cinnamon Toast Crunch, which I went through boxes of this stuff like it was going out of style!! So funny, how someone who is an ACF certified Chef with such an advanced palette and a love & passion for gourmet foods, still enjoys the little sweet pleasures in life … like kids cereal and vanilla cups with caramel!!

XOXO ~ Jen

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Hitting Me Harder ~ Tryst Update

Hitting Me Harder ~ Tryst Update

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I have become quite the introvert.

I thought that I had become stronger. I thought maybe it was also a numbing effect. I thought that in the last three hundred and sixty-five days, I would have a better understanding of what life is like after my brother’s death. I thought that I’d find myself, a year later, grown, better, stronger, wiser, balanced, somewhat peaceful, among some other things … and unfortunately, here I find myself, still as confused as ever.

 

What do I really know anyway?

I have NO answers to the paradoxical questions that I mentally beat myself up with daily. I am still walking the same streets, working the same job, writing the same things, (my ongoing written projects that seem to frustrate me more than anything because I write pages and pages, then I go back to edit and think they sound completely stupid, so I delete and start over, back to where I was … oh the frustration!!), I am shooting pictures that seem to have no inspiration, portfolio on standstill, and I am getting distracted with little mindless tasks, in hopes to find something to spark my motivation, creativity, and something that will finally feel like I am truly inspired to act upon…

 

I am still searching…

Yes. Things are hitting me harder now then they were last year. I can speak for my parents as well on this matter. We all thought that we would be more put back together by this point. We were all wrong.

It just goes to show that no matter how old you are, how much life experience you have, or think you have, life still comes at you and you cannot always predict the end or outcome. We don’t always know where we will be and when we will be there.

These are the questions that drive me crazy!

I wish I could just shut my mind off, tune out completely … but that has NEVER worked for my active mind! I am always thinking … about everything … even stuff that really is pointless, I still give it enough credit to be a little important for me to entertain in my mind. (I have never been the kind of person to ignore anyone or anything … um, except myself … how ridiculous is that? … well, anyway …) So I think what it would feel like if I could shut my mind off and be still, not worry about anything, sit in complete silence … just, be

(Trying to do that now … just, be….

Hum… OK. So, I may need some more practice. I have meditated before, not regularly, but I do know how to meditate … for 30 minutes, maximum. Anything more than that is when I start to fidget and my mind pops up everywhere, wondering, and then all things are screwed up!! But, at least I can sit for a 30 minute meditation, better than nothing right?

It is our own minds that talk us out of most things anyway.

That is the truth!! If you didn’t hear that piece of immaculate wisdom above, read it again … Truth baby!! Our minds are so powerful and have such a strong influence over us, we often times don’t realize that WE are the center of our energy, thus creating most of our success, failure, joy, pain, happiness, etc… Yes, it is us!!

Today, I am going to pull myself out of introversion. I don’t really like it there anyway … it’s not me

I am still hopeful.

I am still searching.

I am still fighting to know, to be free, to know serenity, to give & receive love, to find purpose, to make a difference, to have a voice, to hold someone’s hand, to accomplish a goal, to connect with my brother in new ways, to understand it’s ok to NOT understand, and I am still fighting for internal love & kindness…

XO ~ Jen

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Jenny News ~ Tryst Update

Jenny News

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How Long Have I Been Gone...? ~ Tryst Update

I have had a very active schedule these past few weeks. I have had some things going on that are very awesome and exciting, and I have had the stress of some very tough/painful things going on as well.

The one year date of my brother’s death is tomorrow. This ‘first’ year without him has been very tough. As many of you know, those who have followed me loyally and read the things I write, I have had about a million up’s and down’s these last 12 months. (I actually haven’t been blogging for 12 months yet, so my Tryst family has only been linked into my life for the last 9 months, but still, 9 months is plenty of time to get to know me, as I am as real in my writing as any deep, emotional poet should be…)

The stages of grief have taken me through sadness, anger, resentment, depression, isolation and some emotional mini-drama’s … but I have survived none-the-less and here I stand, telling the world my stories.

I have some things coming up … I have been asked to get involved in programs like D.A.R.E, here in KC, where I will get the opportunity to talk to kids at schools and other youth groups about substance abuse, being a victim to acts of violence and the death of my brother. I am honored and excited to be a voice to these kids and tell them my stories and the things I have been through. If I only help one person, just one person, then it will be completely fulfilling to me. I hope to make the impression and teach the wisdom that life does not discriminate, no matter who you are, or where you come from … life happens to all of us. Life can be very hard at times, but there is always, there IS ALWAYS, light on the other side. You just need to never stop loving yourself, and you will be alright.

Other than that, I have been putting in 50 hour work weeks, at least, working like a dog!! And trust that I am tired like a dog!! Phew…

I have recently launched my photography business which is SUPER exciting for me!! I have purchased some new equipment and have been playing with my camera … I love my hobbies!! This is something I have been thinking about for a while now and finally decided to go for it!! I have studied photography in college and I’ve always loved it!! So, furthering my experience, I’ve been doing LOT’S of shooting, adding to my portfolio!! I know that great things have to start somewhere before they become great, so what better time than now? Plus, it’s good to keep busy with things I enjoy … it helps with the grief I feel in the absence of my brother.

I also became a part of a SUPER great nutritional business!! In college, I minored in Nutrition while getting my Culinary Degree, I thought the information would be a great credential for me to have alone with being a Chef, and it has proven to be just that!! I have come across some KICK ASS products and was offered the chance to be a part of this up & coming, fast growing business op … AND not only that, but I have used these products that I’m now sharing with the world and they are SO fantastic I can’t even believe it!!

I will probably post more about this with another post, more informative & what not … because this is just a Jen Update …

I have really missed my Tryst Family!! I have not been writing too much lately, and it has been three weeks since my last Daily Reflection. (I wrote a poem, yes, one lonely poem, in the last few weeks, but that has been all I have had time for    😦 <-sad face  Launching and writing of my web-sites has had me quite occupied!!

So how is my Tryst Family? I have a mail box Jam Packed FULL with all of your wonderful posts, in which I will dedicate a long Saturday to do some reading!! I always enjoy reading the wonderful talent of all of you as well, so rest assure, my inbox will stay full until I get to do some reading!!

Yesterday it was raining here, terenchal downpour!! But today, the air is clear and the sky is blue and it is just simply beautiful … not only that, but even though I am extremely tired, worn slick, beat down in every which way … I am still standing here, with a smile, a sleepy smile, but yes, life has me smiling …

I am grateful for many things today …

Enjoy your day Tryst!!

XO ~ Jen

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In A Nut-Shell ~ Tryst Update

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In A Nut Shell ~ Tryst Update

 

Last weekend I posted a tweet that kinda made me laugh… I tweeted that I need to start writing things down! As in, making lists.. of things I want to do, need to do, have going on, and ideas that POP up in my head through out the course of the day. This made me laugh after I hit ‘tweet’ because, well, I am a writer!! I write ALL the freakin time!! How is it that I am forgetting things… ? What’s up with that?

 

In a nut-shell, I have been extremely busy. This has been a very good thing for my emotions and grieving (the loss of my brother), but it has been frustrating in other areas of my life.

 

In a nut-shell, I am NOT managing my time well! I have ongoing projects, things on the back burner, new things coming forward and millions of thoughts floating around in my head…

 

In a nut-shell, I really wish there were more minutes in the day… but then again, I’m glad there is not!! If I crammed any thing else into my already busy life, right now, I might lose it and go postal!!

 

… I am way behind in writing here, my Tryst Land has been seriously neglected!! I mean, I haven’t been doing even my Daily Reflections, and those I LOVE, because they really help to center my thoughts and feelings… I write them in hopes to help others, or maybe inspire, or heal, but they are really helpful to me and so when I don’t ‘reflect’ I feel like I’m ‘neglecting’ my spirit…

 

…I am behind in my book project and my manuscript… I have a poetry contest that I’ve been preparing for and have three hundred poems of mind to choose from, and have gotten NOWHERE in actually choosing!!

 

…My friendships, which mean the world to me, and most of which, my really good friends who don’t even live in KC, I have been meaning to pick up the phone and here I am… still needing to make my friendly ‘Jen-calls’ to my peeps… I miss my people!!

 

In a nut-shell, I am freakin busy!! I have a new business that just started and work on top of that… where am I going to find some more time? Better time management? Or even just some peace and freaking quiet? When will things be simple and calm?

 

Meanwhile, I have the one year date of my little brother’s death looming over my head… and words do those feeling absolutely ZERO justice…

 

This has been a Tryst Update. Brought to you by Jen, who is just a girl, trying to stay afloat, in a crazy, ever-changing world.

 

Xo

 

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I Will Survive ~ Tryst Update

I Will Survive ~ Tryst Update

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Well, well…

This was a tough weekend…

 

I was trying to hold myself back as much as possible from popping off at the mouth, and I don’t think I did a very good job. I got off on some social media, telling the town off and declaring how much I hate it here. Did I feel better afterwards…? Maybe a little… but it’s always like this for me, as soon as the angry words start flowing, they don’t want to stop!! And it turns into, ‘Oh, I need to add this…’ & ‘I should have said that!’ …

 

But, in the end, I found myself on a Sunday night, wondering if the few people who originally pissed me off even read my FB blast in which I told everyone how fake and two-faced they are and how they need to stay out of my business… going on to explain how I’m leaving this city cause I can’t stand all the shit heads that don’t mind their own…

 

You know, I hear other people go on rants, on ALL of the social media outlets and blogs and such… so why do I feel like I even need to explain mine? The truth is that someone came to me and said that my brothers killing was set up and done on purpose… among some other things, and this just completely threw me over the edge!! I mean, this person has NO clue what was going on in my brother’s, mine, in our family’s life, so to make a statement like this, it is just pure cruelty and all fiction. It’s even more fucked up because that was my brother, so the emotional shit storm that it brought to my heart and mind was completely uncalled for!

 

My point on the things I posted was to make clear that I don’t point fingers and judge. I also don’t stick my nose in other people’s business… especially when it involves the sensitive emotion of the death of a loved one. That is so disrespectful. Don’t people have any manners? Couth? That is just…. completely fucked up!!

 

In the end, I will survive… and I will be on a beach someday, not looking back at the place I came from, as there is nothing to look back and see…

 

~ Jen

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I’M OBSESSED ~ Tryst Update

I’m Obsessed!! ~ Tryst Updates

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..Cinnamon Toast Crunch..

I have known that I have an addictive personality for most of my life. It is no surprise that when I like something, I want more & more of it! This is common, this addictive personality. I know that 85% of the population of this world are addicted to something, statistics don’t lie. Which actually makes me quite normal, kinda nuts huh?

Anyway, sometimes when I get on something, I get hooked and I just crave it daily!! These little obsessions, or hooks, happen all the time since I’ve entered the world of sobriety. I don’t mind either!! I feed my healthy cravings and obsessions!!

This week I am hooked on the classic kid’s cereal Kellog’s Cinnamon Toast Crunch!! It was on sale at the store and has been forever since I’ve had some. So, I bought a box and I’ve not been able to put it down since!! I’ve had cereal for breakfast, lunch and dinner… and, I think I’ll go have another bowl right now…

If you enjoyed this cereal as a kid, and haven’t had a bowl in years, I suggest you go and grab a box of this delicious goodness!! I believe that we are never too old for kid cereal!! If we don’t have things we enjoy in life, what’s the point of being here? Life should be made joyful… and good… like this cereal!! HA!!

Have a great day Tryst!! XOXO

~Jen

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