Category Archives: Poetic Justice
Float
Mad Metropolis
The Victim & The Villain
This is… my most beloved of pieces. This piece is meant to be read slowly, to get the emotion in each word I chose to tell this story. This is a short story, about me. It is written poetically. I am happy to share it, and hope it is enjoyed and understood by those who read it. This is also the title of a book that I am currently writing… one of my writing projects that is very dear to my heart. This is the story of the Victim and the Villain. ~ J
The Victim & The Villain
I can tell you of days
When I was completely frozen
I can tell you of weeks that went by
And I didn’t even notice
I can tell you of mornings
I would wake up mad
Mad ’cause I was still breathing, still alive
…isn’t that sad?
I can tell you of a lady
Who was once alive in me
She was vibrant, and she smiled
She was what other’s wanted to be
But somehow, in her life, she became
Tragically sad…
Things began to happen
Now, She’s a Victim to all things bad
A run of bad luck, for a decade, or so…
But she was also the Villain of her story, you know
As much as she tried
To push the darkness away
The Villain within
Would not let her stray
The Villain was strong but
It needed it’s Victim down
And with all of the chaos
The Victim was stuck in her town
Further and further
Did her pure image go
But deep down inside
Her spirit would know
In a time and a place
She could rise up again
And put to rest
Her corruption, her sin
I can tell you of days
When I thought this impossible
I can tell you today
I have become remarkable
Only because
I can see inside
That I was the Victim.. and the Villain
In my very own mind
Playing the taunter
And being taunted by…
The miraculous strength of
Me, Myself, and I…
I can’t tell you who wins
The story of me
The Victim, the Villain, or the saviour to be…
But I am each one
Each integral part
That make up the Victim… and the Villain
Inside of my heart.
~~ J. Lefever ~~
(04/15/012)
I am both, the Victim & the Villain. This is a story about me.
A Woman Like This
A Woman Like This
How can I
Let others inside
To see a person
I’ve tried to hide
I hide myself
Cause I really don’t know
Who I am at all
So where do I go
How can I
Allow anyone to know me
If even I
Don’t know who I stand to be
I’m a little girl
Who is incredibly lost
I’m a grown woman
Who has faithfully fought
To mold and shape
To be OK
Only to survive
Each coming day
But I hate myself
For being so weak
For losing my soul
For not practicing what I preach
How can I
Find myself again
In a world that I
Have indulged in sin
Who could love
A woman like this
To simply love myself
Is all I really wish
~~ J. Lefever ~~
(05/20/12)
Another piece of my vulnerable spirit, when addiction had ahold of me. When I was chained down, using substances to free my mind, I was only killing myself, and wasting my time.
Addiction really turns you into a person that you’re not… I’m so glad I stood up and fought. I would fight again, I’d fight for me any day, I would find my voice, I’d use my strength in every way… I will never give up, and surrender again, I will never create that emptiness within…
ღ
Beautifully Broken
The Shadow of my Addict
This piece… is very intense. I wrote this sometime ago, trying to put into words what addiction feels like… to bring some kind of understanding to a person who is not suffering from this terrible disease. It is a craving of the mind, in which, we hate to love, and it loves to hate us. This is what heroin addiction was like for me.
The Shadow of my Addict
Again & again
I fear what will come
Darkness, Desperate and Starving
For you to leave
Taunting me
Toying with my mind
You never stop
Until you own my soul
Frail and Vulnerable
You create out of me
Pulling my light out
I beg to be free
The way I hate you
Is unexplainable
From the pit of my heart
To the bottom of my soul
Yet I continue to give
And you never know
A day will come
I’ll give no more strength to you
You have beaten
You have battered
You have bruised me so bad
You are the wish I wish I never had
My spirit no longer wants
To belong to you
You fucked with me
Until I turned blue
You enjoy watching
The delicate seed
Fall at your feet
And tragically bleed
You are the curse
That no one needs
Yet the devoted addict
Continues to feed
~~ J. Lefever ~~
(02/28/12)
Queen of Darkness
Queen the Darkness
ღ
The night is cold
And through the darkness
The familiar feeling
I do not trust this
My one constant partner
The everyday friend
So she tells me
It’s Miss Heroin
She taunts me
& toys with my mind
She plays tricks
Until I am blind
She covers my heart
In darkness, in black
So I am desperate
For more smack
Once I’m controlled
Sold my soul to her game
Her manipulation works
And everyone else is to blame
I can’t see the truth
I’m covered in lies
Anything to protect her
Anything to get high
She is tricky & coy
A sneaky bitch
Don’t talk about her
I’ve been trained not to snitch
So I sit and realize
That it’s great the high
And so sadly I know
By her side I may die
She’s made me afraid
Of the world I see
Afraid of yours truly
Afraid of me
But the power she has
Is becoming yesterday’s news
When I woke up in prison
And made the choice to choose…
~~ J. Lefever ~~
(03/29/12)
This piece, tells such a story. I was at rock bottom, I was very fragile. I was so broken down the only way to go was up. So that’s what I did, I chose to fight. I did what I had to do to get my life back. I have written so much, on my struggles through addiction. I’ve spoken at meetings about the loss of personal power and finding the strength to pull through. Once I thought it was impossible… but now I’m living proof that once you make peace with your heart, and you believe that you are worth the journey,
light will shine again, and you will wake up feeling alive.
ღ
For more on Addiction & Recovery, Visit these wonderful sites ~
Moment of Choice
Moment of Choice
The day you decide
The moment you make the choice
You put into action
And you suddenly have a voice
See I was not
Taken seriously
I did not represent
The real me
I could say this
And I could say that
But nothing was tangible
While I was on smack
So, once I chose
To sing a different song
Is when my voice
Finally felt it belong
I want the ‘Me’ back
I want to make shit mine
I have survived it all
I have even served some time
I was so blind
To the fact I had a choice
It took the loss of everything
For me to find my own voice
~~ J. Lefever ~~
(03/28/12)
Surrender My Slave
Surrender My Slave
I ask of you
Look past my shame
Pray for me
To survive this game
I walk alone
We walk as one
I won’t fall today
I am not done
I speak of tears
That represent my all
Through blood & scars
That prove my fall
The game of life
Can bring you down
My enemy is me
I’m at war with my town
Coincidently, I ended up
Just corrupt behind bars
Judgement on my crimes
Representation of my scars
I felt the feeling
I fight her everyday
“You know you still need me”
Miss Heroin likes to say
I have a soul
That is black & bruised
I’m done being your slave
I’m tired of being used
As strong as I feel
I know I can be
I still fear the doubt
I’m still afraid of me
I don’t want to be fake
I’m sick of telling a lie
But the truth of the matter is
I’m not afraid to die
“That’s right”, Miss Heroin says to me
I’m exactly where she wants me to be
She tells me I’ve sold my body
My heart
And now I am her’s
Till death do us part
~ J Lefever
(03/11/12)
I am 3 weeks away from celebrating my 1 year sobriety from heroin. I am living proof that it can be done, no matter how hard the climb.
For more on Addiction & Recovery, visit these wonderful blog sites:
Challenging Addiction – Relationships in Recovery
themiracleisaroundthecorner – A Series of Bottoms, Chapter 3
What’s Broken – I never Promised You A Rose Garden
Recovery, In The News and Potpourri – Step by Step
Recovery, In The News and Potpourri – Twenty-Four Hours a Day
Recovery, In The News and Potpourri – A Day at a Time
A World Without Mouths – fuck you, (a haiku)
Where My Hope Is Found – Mind Clutter
chantalsroadtorecovery – The Plan..