The Victim & The Villain

Posted by jenlefever on May 14, 2013

I am going through my poetry and putting together my third manuscript. So, I am compiling all my pieces, reading through them, picking and choosing, and I came across this one. This is a piece that remains one of my favorites… most dear to the painful part of my soul… yesterdays news, but still ever so present in the choices I make… I wanted to share it again… just for fun…

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This is… my most beloved piece. This piece is meant to be read slowly, to get the emotion in each word I chose to tell this story. This is a short story, about me. It is written poetically. I am happy to share it, and hope it is enjoyed and understood by those who read it. This is also the title of a book that I am currently writing… one of my writing projects that is very dear to my heart. This is the story of the Victim and the Villain. ~ J

The Victim & The Villain

I can tell you of days

When I was completely frozen

I can tell you of weeks that went by

And I didn’t even notice

I can tell you of mornings

I would wake up mad

Mad ’cause I was still breathing, still alive

…isn’t that sad?

I can tell you of a lady

Who was once alive in me

She was vibrant, and she smiled

She was what other’s wanted to be

But somehow, in her life, she became

Tragically sad

Things began to happen

Now, She’s a Victim to all things bad

A run of bad luck, for a decade, or so

But she was also the Villain of her story, you know

As much as she tried

To push the darkness away

The Villain within

Would not let her stray

The Villain was strong but

It needed it’s Victim down

And with all of the chaos

The Victim was stuck in her town

Further and further

Did her pure image go

But deep down inside

Her spirit would know

In a time and a place

She could rise up again

And put to rest

Her corruption, her sin

I can tell you of days

When I thought this impossible

I can tell you today

I have become remarkable

Only because

I can see inside

That I was the Victim.. and the Villain

In my very own mind

Playing the taunter

And being taunted by…

The miraculous strength of

Me, Myself, and I…

I can’t tell you who wins

The story of me

The Victim, the Villain, or the saviour to be…

But I am each one

Each integral part

That make up the Victim… and the Villain

Inside of my heart.

~~ J. Lefever ~~

(04/15/012)

*****

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Float

Posted by jenlefever on March 20, 2013

Float

I want to be invisible, for now

Nothing for anyone to see

Moments & memories

My imprints of my past, gone

Like a feather floating in the breeze

A little piece of nothing important

Floating bye for no one to see

No one notices something that is

Nothing, when there is nothing

To see

I like the feeling of detachment

Rendering me in a calm state of mind

Awareness has slipped away with the wind

Swallow me world & make me invisible

Make me nothing for the world to see

Look at me, I’m not really here

I’m so empty today, you see

I float through the minutes of this day

Aware that I need not be

Anything important

I am nothing to see

I can go anywhere today

Be anywhere that I want to be

And still, not really be there

That’s what it feels like

When you feel like nothing

I am invisible

No one can see my sad heart

No one notices my tears that fall

Gently down to the ground

Landing in a soft pool of wetness

Representing a soul that is broken

No one notices my empty hands

Wanting to be held

Wanting to be safe and warm

Waiting to feel like I’m someone

Is it okay if I isolate today

What will it matter

If I just literally slip away

When I’m here, you don’t seem to listen

When I’m there, you don’t even see

It’s like I’m just imagining

My importance to you

So instead of pretending

I will just go

Don’t worry, my dear

You won’t notice a thing

Nothing will change when nothing goes

Away with me, with just me to be

I love you but you don’t even see

That I’m invisible to you

And it’s damaging me

I’ll float somewhere else

Where nothing else matters

~ J. Lefever ~

This piece was written in regards to… something inside… of me, or maybe someone else… either way, it is real and it is my sadness today…

Do you ever just want to float away?

ღ

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Mad Metropolis

Posted by jenlefever on March 19, 2013

Mad Metropolis

Corruption inside my soul

Someone pulled the trigger

Pointed it at my heart

And let it all go

On the streets of desperation

Shadows keep walking by

Ghosts of many nightmares

Walk upon us everyday

They own the city

This mad circus, untamed

Charming us senseless

With tricks and toys of the visual kind

Lurking in the curtains of Midnight

Representation of my spirit

Mirrored into the air

I can feel my breath leaving my body

Wanting to scream, something careless

Words to pierce the soul of the wicked

Force that follows me, shattering their strength

In to a million, unfixable pieces, on the floor

Turning the tragedy and sadness their way

For once, I have the force field to

Prevent the fatal future the streets of this

Maniac metropolis poison us slowly with

Yes, the city has gone mad

I can’t run from its taunting laughter

Into the streets, upon streets

Every block just the same as the last

City is mad

Someone pull the trigger

Let the maniac go and

Release us from its painful grip

The world is just a metropolis

Gone mad

~ J. Lefever ~

(03/19/13)

This piece is dedicated to my brother. He would understand what I mean by these words. ( ~Sis )

ღ

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

The Victim & The Villain

Posted by jenlefever on January 31, 2013

This is… my most beloved of pieces. This piece is meant to be read slowly, to get the emotion in each word I chose to tell this story. This is a short story, about me. It is written poetically. I am happy to share it, and hope it is enjoyed and understood by those who read it. This is also the title of a book that I am currently writing… one of my writing projects that is very dear to my heart. This is the story of the Victim and the Villain. ~ J

ღ

The Victim & The Villain

I can tell you of days

When I was completely frozen

I can tell you of weeks that went by

And I didn’t even notice

I can tell you of mornings

I would wake up mad

Mad ’cause I was still breathing, still alive

…isn’t that sad?

I can tell you of a lady

Who was once alive in me

She was vibrant, and she smiled

She was what other’s wanted to be

But somehow, in her life, she became

Tragically sad…

Things began to happen

Now, She’s a Victim to all things bad

A run of bad luck, for a decade, or so…

But she was also the Villain of her story, you know

As much as she tried

To push the darkness away

The Villain within

Would not let her stray

The Villain was strong but

It needed it’s Victim down

And with all of the chaos

The Victim was stuck in her town

Further and further

Did her pure image go

But deep down inside

Her spirit would know

In a time and a place

She could rise up again

And put to rest

Her corruption, her sin

I can tell you of days

When I thought this impossible

I can tell you today

I have become remarkable

Only because

I can see inside

That I was the Victim.. and the Villain

In my very own mind

Playing the taunter

And being taunted by…

The miraculous strength of

Me, Myself, and I…

I can’t tell you who wins

The story of me

The Victim, the Villain, or the saviour to be…

But I am each one

Each integral part

That make up the Victim… and the Villain

Inside of my heart.

~~ J. Lefever ~~

(04/15/012)

I am both, the Victim & the Villain. This is a story about me.

ღ

A Woman Like This

Posted by jenlefever on January 31, 2013

A Woman Like This

How can I

Let others inside

To see a person

I’ve tried to hide

I hide myself

Cause I really don’t know

Who I am at all

So where do I go

How can I

Allow anyone to know me

If even I

Don’t know who I stand to be

I’m a little girl

Who is incredibly lost

I’m a grown woman

Who has faithfully fought

To mold and shape

To be OK

Only to survive

Each coming day

But I hate myself

For being so weak

For losing my soul

For not practicing what I preach

How can I

Find myself again

In a world that I

Have indulged in sin

Who could love

A woman like this

To simply love myself

Is all I really wish

~~ J. Lefever ~~

(05/20/12)

Another piece of my vulnerable spirit, when addiction had ahold of me. When I was chained down, using substances to free my mind, I was only killing myself, and wasting my time.

Addiction really turns you into a person that you’re not… I’m so glad I stood up and fought. I would fight again, I’d fight for me any day, I would find my voice, I’d use my strength in every way… I will never give up, and surrender again, I will never create that emptiness within…

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Beautifully Broken

Posted by jenlefever on January 30, 2013

Beautifully Broken

Inside a shell

You can find me hiding

I hate myself

I’m alive, but lying

Some do say

As they look right at me

That I am fake

As they judge what they see

If you listen

To my timid voice

As I hide myself

I do this by choice

Because I’m so lost

And I hate what I know

The little bit of me

I chose not to show

For as long as I can remember

My secrets had to hide

Told not to be me

Told I have no pride

So inside a shell

Or behind a wall

I hide my all

To prevent my fall

As a child I wandered

Alone in my life

No place seemed to fit

Nothing felt right

So as I grew

I lost every bit of I

Now a grown woman

Identity lost in a high

Of that, you see

I found narcotic charms

Comfortably numb

With heroin in my arms

So to this day

Brought forth to you

I’m terrified to be seen

I remain hidden in all that I do

Cause if I come out

Of that shell I know

And don’t seem to fit

Behind my walls I go

I’ve been raised without a voice

Invisible, never spoken

Who am I really

Except beautifully broken

~~ J. Lefever ~~

(05/14/12)

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Another piece from the ‘inside’. I was going through a lot of things… identity crisis, loneliness, homesickness… & some anger and denial. In all of this, I see these words I wrote… the darkness that I created in my own life, & I was the only one to blame. I was never broken, or needed to be fixed… I just forgot who I was for a while. I just was a little lost. I was terrified to talk about my addiction, the thought of being honest about it paralyzed me. I was incapable of admitting that I was weak, and couldn’t just stop. I hated the fact that the drug made me lose self control. It is an awful feeling not having control over something, not being able to say NO, or I QUIT! I didn’t let anyone in on these things and as a result, I hit the bottom… but also at that bottom, did I find myself again and finally woke up.

The Shadow of my Addict

Posted by jenlefever on January 28, 2013

This piece… is very intense. I wrote this sometime ago, trying to put into words what addiction feels like… to bring some kind of understanding to a person who is not suffering from this terrible disease. It is a craving of the mind, in which, we hate to love, and it loves to hate us. This is what heroin addiction was like for me.

The Shadow of my Addict

Again & again

I fear what will come

Darkness, Desperate and Starving

For you to leave

Taunting me

Toying with my mind

You never stop

Until you own my soul

Frail and Vulnerable

You create out of me

Pulling my light out

I beg to be free

The way I hate you

Is unexplainable

From the pit of my heart

To the bottom of my soul

Yet I continue to give

And you never know

A day will come

I’ll give no more strength to you

You have beaten

You have battered

You have bruised me so bad

You are the wish I wish I never had

My spirit no longer wants

To belong to you

You fucked with me

Until I turned blue

You enjoy watching

The delicate seed

Fall at your feet

And tragically bleed

You are the curse

That no one needs

Yet the devoted addict

Continues to feed

~~ J. Lefever ~~

(02/28/12)

ღ

Queen of Darkness

Posted by jenlefever on January 25, 2013

Queen the Darkness

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The night is cold

And through the darkness

The familiar feeling

I do not trust this

My one constant partner

The everyday friend

So she tells me

It’s Miss Heroin

She taunts me

& toys with my mind

She plays tricks

Until I am blind

She covers my heart

In darkness, in black

So I am desperate

For more smack

Once I’m controlled

Sold my soul to her game

Her manipulation works

And everyone else is to blame

I can’t see the truth

I’m covered in lies

Anything to protect her

Anything to get high

She is tricky & coy

A sneaky bitch

Don’t talk about her

I’ve been trained not to snitch

So I sit and realize

That it’s great the high

And so sadly I know

By her side I may die

She’s made me afraid

Of the world I see

Afraid of yours truly

Afraid of me

But the power she has

Is becoming yesterday’s news

When I woke up in prison

And made the choice to choose…

~~ J. Lefever ~~

(03/29/12)

This piece, tells such a story. I was at rock bottom, I was very fragile. I was so broken down the only way to go was up. So that’s what I did, I chose to fight. I did what I had to do to get my life back. I have written so much, on my struggles through addiction. I’ve spoken at meetings about the loss of personal power and finding the strength to pull through. Once I thought it was impossible… but now I’m living proof that once you make peace with your heart, and you believe that you are worth the journey,

light will shine again, and you will wake up feeling alive.

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For more on Addiction & Recovery, Visit these wonderful sites ~

The She Chronicles

Challenging Addiction

themiracleisaroundthecorner

The 12th Stepper

Where My Hope Is Found