The Victim & The Villain

I am going through my poetry and putting together my third manuscript. So, I am compiling all my pieces, reading through them, picking and choosing, and I came across this one. This is a piece that remains one of my favorites… most dear to the painful part of my soul… yesterdays news, but still ever so present in the choices I make… I wanted to share it again… just for fun…
***** 
This is… my most beloved piece. This piece is meant to be read slowly, to get the emotion in each word I chose to tell this story. This is a short story, about me. It is written poetically. I am happy to share it, and hope it is enjoyed and understood by those who read it. This is also the title of a book that I am currently writing… one of my writing projects that is very dear to my heart. This is the story of the Victim and the Villain. ~ J
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The Victim & The Villain
I can tell you of days
When I was completely frozen
I can tell you of weeks that went by
And I didn’t even notice
I can tell you of mornings
I would wake up mad
Mad ’cause I was still breathing, still alive
…isn’t that sad?
I can tell you of a lady
Who was once alive in me
She was vibrant, and she smiled
She was what other’s wanted to be
But somehow, in her life, she became
Tragically sad
Things began to happen
Now, She’s a Victim to all things bad
A run of bad luck, for a decade, or so
But she was also the Villain of her story, you know
As much as she tried
To push the darkness away
The Villain within
Would not let her stray
The Villain was strong but
It needed it’s Victim down
And with all of the chaos
The Victim was stuck in her town
Further and further
Did her pure image go
But deep down inside
Her spirit would know
In a time and a place
She could rise up again
And put to rest
Her corruption, her sin
I can tell you of days
When I thought this impossible
I can tell you today
I have become remarkable
Only because
I can see inside
That I was the Victim.. and the Villain
In my very own mind
Playing the taunter
And being taunted by…
The miraculous strength of
Me, Myself, and I…
I can’t tell you who wins
The story of me
The Victim, the Villain, or the saviour to be…
But I am each one
Each integral part
That make up the Victim… and the Villain
Inside of my heart.
~~ J. Lefever ~~
(04/15/012)
*****
sdgaerg
 
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 

Float

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Float
 
I want to be invisible, for now
Nothing for anyone to see
Moments & memories
My imprints of my past, gone
Like a feather floating in the breeze
A little piece of nothing important
Floating bye for no one to see
 
No one notices something that is
Nothing, when there is nothing
To see
 
I like the feeling of detachment
Rendering me in a calm state of mind
Awareness has slipped away with the wind
Swallow me world & make me invisible
Make me nothing for the world to see
 
 
Look at me, I’m not really here
I’m so empty today, you see
I float through the minutes of this day
Aware that I need not be
Anything important
I am nothing to see
 
I can go anywhere today
Be anywhere that I want to be
And still, not really be there
That’s what it feels like
When you feel like nothing
I am invisible
No one can see my sad heart
No one notices my tears that fall
Gently down to the ground
Landing in a soft pool of wetness
Representing a soul that is broken
No one notices my empty hands
Wanting to be held
Wanting to be safe and warm
Waiting to feel like I’m someone
 
Is it okay if I isolate today
What will it matter
If I just literally slip away
When I’m here, you don’t seem to listen
When I’m there, you don’t even see
It’s like I’m just imagining
My importance to you
So instead of pretending
I will just go
Don’t worry, my dear
You won’t notice a thing
Nothing will change when nothing goes
Away with me, with just me to be
I love you but you don’t even see
That I’m invisible to you
And it’s damaging me
 
I’ll float somewhere else
Where nothing else matters
 
~ J. Lefever ~
 
This piece was written in regards to… something inside… of me, or maybe someone else… either way, it is real and it is my sadness today…
Do you ever just want to float away?
 
 
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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Mad Metropolis

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Mad Metropolis
 
Corruption inside my soul
Someone pulled the trigger
Pointed it at my heart
And let it all go
 
On the streets of desperation
Shadows keep walking by
Ghosts of many nightmares
Walk upon us everyday
 
They own the city
This mad circus, untamed
Charming us senseless
With tricks and toys of the visual kind
 
Lurking in the curtains of Midnight
Representation of my spirit
Mirrored into the air
I can feel my breath leaving my body
 
Wanting to scream, something careless
Words to pierce the soul of the wicked
Force that follows me, shattering their strength
In to a million, unfixable pieces, on the floor
 
Turning the tragedy and sadness their way
For once, I have the force field to
Prevent the fatal future the streets of this
Maniac metropolis poison us slowly with
 
Yes, the city has gone mad
I can’t run from its taunting laughter
Into the streets, upon streets
Every block just the same as the last
 
City is mad
Someone pull the trigger
Let the maniac go and
Release us from its painful grip
 
The world is just a metropolis
Gone mad
 
~ J. Lefever ~
(03/19/13)
 
This piece is dedicated to my brother. He would understand what I mean by these words. ( ~Sis )
 
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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
 
 

The Victim & The Villain

This is… my most beloved of pieces. This piece is meant to be read slowly, to get the emotion in each word I chose to tell this story. This is a short story, about me. It is written poetically. I am happy to share it, and hope it is enjoyed and understood by those who read it. This is also the title of a book that I am currently writing… one of my writing projects that is very dear to my heart. This is the story of the Victim and the Villain. ~ J

 
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 The Victim & The Villain

 

I can tell you of days

When I was completely frozen

 

I can tell you of weeks that went by

And I didn’t even notice

 

I can tell you of mornings

I would wake up mad

Mad ’cause I was still breathing, still alive

…isn’t that sad?

 

I can tell you of a lady

Who was once alive in me

She was vibrant, and she smiled

She was what other’s wanted to be

 

But somehow, in her life, she became

Tragically sad…

Things began to happen

Now, She’s a Victim to all things bad

 

A run of bad luck, for a decade, or so…

But she was also the Villain of her story, you know

 

As much as she tried

To push the darkness away

The Villain within

Would not let her stray

 

The Villain was strong but

It needed it’s Victim down

And with all of the chaos

The Victim was stuck in her town

 

Further and further

Did her pure image go

But deep down inside

Her spirit would know

 

In a time and a place

She could rise up again

And put to rest

Her corruption, her sin

 

I can tell you of days

When I thought this impossible

 

I can tell you today

 

I have become remarkable

 

Only because

I can see inside

That I was the Victim.. and the Villain

In my very own mind

 

Playing the taunter

And being taunted by…

The miraculous strength of

Me, Myself, and I…

 

I can’t tell you who wins

The story of me

 

The Victim, the Villain, or the saviour to be…

 

But I am each one

Each integral part

 

That make up the Victim… and the Villain

Inside of my heart.

 

~~ J. Lefever ~~

(04/15/012)

 

I am both, the Victim & the Villain. This is a story about me.

A Woman Like This

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A Woman Like This

 

 How can I

Let others inside

To see a person

I’ve tried to hide

I hide myself

Cause I really don’t know

Who I am at all

So where do I go

 

How can I

Allow anyone to know me

If even I

Don’t know who I stand to be

I’m a little girl

Who is incredibly lost

I’m a grown woman

Who has faithfully fought

To mold and shape

To be OK

Only to survive

Each coming day

 

But I hate myself

For being so weak

For losing my soul

For not practicing what I preach

 

How can I

Find myself again

In a world that I

Have indulged in sin

Who could love

A woman like this

To simply love myself

Is all I really wish

 

~~ J. Lefever ~~

(05/20/12)

 

Another piece of my vulnerable spirit, when addiction had ahold of me. When I was chained down, using substances to free my mind, I was only killing myself, and wasting my time.

Addiction really turns you into a person that you’re not… I’m so glad I stood up and fought. I would fight again, I’d fight for me any day, I would find my voice, I’d use my strength in every way… I will never give up, and surrender again, I will never create that emptiness within…

 

 

Beautifully Broken

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Beautifully Broken

 
 

 
Inside a shell
You can find me hiding
I hate myself
I’m alive, but lying
Some do say
As they look right at me
That I am fake
As they judge what they see
If you listen
To my timid voice
As I hide myself
I do this by choice
Because I’m so lost
And I hate what I know
The little bit of me
I chose not to show
For as long as I can remember
My secrets had to hide
Told not to be me
Told I have no pride
So inside a shell
Or behind a wall
I hide my all
To prevent my fall
As a child I wandered
Alone in my life
No place seemed to fit
Nothing felt right
So as I grew
I lost every bit of I
Now a grown woman
Identity lost in a high
Of that, you see
I found narcotic charms
Comfortably numb
With heroin in my arms
So to this day
Brought forth to you
I’m terrified to be seen
I remain hidden in all that I do
Cause if I come out
Of that shell I know
And don’t seem to fit
Behind my walls I go
I’ve been raised without a voice
Invisible, never spoken
Who am I really
Except beautifully broken
 
~~ J. Lefever ~~
 
(05/14/12)
 
 
Another piece from the ‘inside’. I was going through a lot of things… identity crisis, loneliness, homesickness… & some anger and denial. In all of this, I see these words I wrote… the darkness that I created in my own life, & I was the only one to blame. I was never broken, or needed to be fixed… I just forgot who I was for a while. I just was a little lost. I was terrified to talk about my addiction, the thought of being honest about it paralyzed me. I was incapable of admitting that I was weak, and couldn’t just stop. I hated the fact that the drug made me lose self control. It is an awful feeling not having control over something, not being able to say NO, or I QUIT!  I didn’t let anyone in on these things and as a result, I hit the bottom… but also at that bottom, did I find myself again and finally woke up.
 
 
 

The Shadow of my Addict

This piece… is very intense. I wrote this sometime ago, trying to put into words what addiction feels like… to bring some kind of understanding to a person who is not suffering from this terrible disease. It is a craving of the mind, in which, we hate to love, and it loves to hate us. This is what heroin addiction was like for me.

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The Shadow of my Addict

                                                                                                                              

                                                                                                                              

 

 Again & again

I fear what will come

Darkness, Desperate and Starving

For you to leave

Taunting me

Toying with my mind

You never stop

Until you own my soul

Frail and Vulnerable

You create out of me

Pulling my light out

I beg to be free

The way I hate you

Is unexplainable

From the pit of my heart

To the bottom of my soul

Yet I continue to give

And you never know

A day will come

I’ll give no more strength to you

You have beaten

You have battered

You have bruised me so bad

You are the wish I wish I never had

My spirit no longer wants

To belong to you

You fucked with me

Until I turned blue

You enjoy watching

The delicate seed

Fall at your feet

And tragically bleed

You are the curse

That no one needs

Yet the devoted addict

Continues to feed

~~ J. Lefever ~~

(02/28/12)

Queen of Darkness

 

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Queen the Darkness

 

 

The night is cold

And through the darkness

The familiar feeling

I do not trust this

My one constant partner

The everyday friend

So she tells me

It’s Miss Heroin

She taunts me

& toys with my mind

She plays tricks

Until I am blind

She covers my heart

In darkness, in black

So I am desperate

For more smack

Once I’m controlled

Sold my soul to her game

Her manipulation works

And everyone else is to blame

I can’t see the truth

I’m covered in lies

Anything to protect her

Anything to get high

She is tricky & coy

A sneaky bitch

Don’t talk about her

I’ve been trained not to snitch

So I sit and realize

That it’s great the high

And so sadly I know

By her side I may die

She’s made me afraid

Of the world I see

Afraid of yours truly

Afraid of me

But the power she has

Is becoming yesterday’s news

When I woke up in prison

And made the choice to choose…

 

~~ J. Lefever ~~

(03/29/12)

 

This piece, tells such a story. I was at rock bottom, I was very fragile. I was so broken down the only way to go was up. So that’s what I did, I chose to fight. I did what I had to do to get my life back. I have written so much, on my struggles through addiction. I’ve spoken at meetings about the loss of personal power and finding the strength to pull through. Once I thought it was impossible… but now I’m living proof that once you make peace with your heart, and you believe that you are worth the journey,

light will shine again, and you will wake up feeling alive.

 

 

For more on Addiction & Recovery, Visit these wonderful sites ~

 

The She Chronicles

Challenging Addiction

themiracleisaroundthecorner

The 12th Stepper

Where My Hope Is Found

 

 

Moment of Choice

 

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Moment of Choice

 

The day you decide

The moment you make the choice

You put into action

And you suddenly have a voice

 See I was not

Taken seriously

I did not represent

The real me

I could say this

And I could say that

But nothing was tangible

While I was on smack

So, once I chose

To sing a different song

Is when my voice

Finally felt it belong

I want the ‘Me’ back

I want to make shit mine

I have survived it all

I have even served some time

I was so blind

To the fact I had a choice

It took the loss of everything

For me to find my own voice

 

~~ J. Lefever ~~

(03/28/12)

Surrender My Slave

 

 

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Surrender My Slave

 

I ask of you

Look past my shame

Pray for me

To survive this game

I walk alone

We walk as one

I won’t fall today

I am not done

I speak of tears

That represent my all

Through blood & scars

That prove my fall

The game of life

Can bring you down

My enemy is me

I’m at war with my town

Coincidently, I ended up

Just corrupt behind bars

Judgement on my crimes

Representation of my scars

I felt the feeling

I fight her everyday

“You know you still need me”

Miss Heroin likes to say

I have a soul

That is black & bruised

I’m done being your slave

I’m tired of being used

As strong as I feel

I know I can be

I still fear the doubt

I’m still afraid of me

I don’t want to be fake

I’m sick of telling a lie

But the truth of the matter is

I’m not afraid to die

“That’s right”, Miss Heroin says to me

I’m exactly where she wants me to be

She tells me I’ve sold my body

My heart

And now I am her’s

Till death do us part

 

~ J Lefever

(03/11/12)

I am 3 weeks away from celebrating my 1 year sobriety from heroin. I am living proof that it can be done, no matter how hard the climb.

For more on Addiction & Recovery, visit these wonderful blog sites:

Challenging Addiction – Relationships in Recovery

themiracleisaroundthecorner – A Series of Bottoms, Chapter 3

What’s Broken – I never Promised You A Rose Garden

 

Recovery, In The News and Potpourri – Step by Step

Recovery, In The News and Potpourri – Twenty-Four Hours a Day

Recovery, In The News and Potpourri – A Day at a Time

A World Without Mouths – fuck you, (a haiku)

Where My Hope Is Found – Mind Clutter

chantalsroadtorecovery – The Plan..