Yesterday’s Shadow


Yesterday’s Fear


But you came anyway

Maybe at one point, I

May have welcomed you

Maybe I was suffering from a

Momentary lack of reason

Maybe I made excuses

Whatever they were

I did my best to make the best

Out of you

Time was at a standstill

As you sucked the life out of my soul

Deceit was in every word

In every smile, in every night

I portrayed contentment with you

You poisoned me

You made me sick inside

The temple of my soul showed

Fatigue and sadness

You are the plague that came to

Destroy anything good that you found

I was your fortress

Tame & unguarded

You made me uncomfortable

Inside the walls of my very own home

Home, such a thing of vision

Such an imaginary place

I think I once knew

Long before the villain came

Imprisoning me

Suffocating my soul

Torturing my energy

Drowning my light

Burning me senseless

Here I am

Finally free from all that

Sickening madness

Some I allowed

Most I was unable to overpower

Yet, I still think I won

When the villain left

The chains on my heart broke away

I came to the surface of the water

The burns were cooled with rain

The torture just a thought

Although the memories remain

Tucked deep, down in the basement

Of my mind

They are only imprints

Of a time when I was

Unable to see

The shinning of my own soul

The light inside my own eyes

The personal power I already had

The beautiful identity I possessed inside

I don’t really know the reason I ran

To something so dark

And destructive

But whatever I thought I was lacking

And seeking to find in another

Was only the mistake of my

Youthful mind

Telling me I needed to belong

Somewhere different

I clearly didn’t belong

My youthful mind made the mistake

That I needed to create

An identity

That I was not enough

All on my own

And in that seeking

I searched for my very own

Spirit, a strength from within

Years passed

I now walk down the street

Away from the time

When I stood

Face to face

With my own enemy

And in the end

The final conclusion

Mistakes were just lessons

Fear had strengthened me

I had won

Needing nothing else

Just my very own mind

I got my soul back

And I get to be me

~ J. Lefever ~



©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

House of Death



House of Death

 It was thick in the air

Telling me to see

Through the mist

Fear not to be

Luring into

A foreign place

Wearing red and

Black lace

Voice in a whisper

As not to scare

But to seduce

My innocence

Into its lair

The land of death

Never seen before

Corners of which

Light shuts its doors

Get on your knees

And crawl to me

Looking down

Don’t try to be

Leave your strength

And armour behind

This place is not

For anything virtuous

This house of death

Takes all miraculous

Pulling it out

Of your very own heart

Leaving behind

You falling apart

You may think

It is black or red

But the house of death

Is in your head

Visiting you

When you least expect

Stripping you bare

Of Self respect

It will accept your challenge

If you dare to run

It will leave you burning

Under the sun

Best if you not

Look death in the eye

If it toys with you

Keep on walking by


~ J. Lefever ~



©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Fall to Stand


Fall to Stand

Spoken once
Were words of glory
Of a time when
I stood up tall
Spoken then
In strength you saw
Cloaked in memories
Of the struggle along the way
Tearing through trauma
Pieces of my torn dreams
Pushing onward through to
The light on the other side
Yea, this is true
Every word I tell to you
I’ve stood up tall
After being at war with
Life’s challenges & influences

And I
I’ve fallen down low
Gotten lost in the dark
Made my way once again
To stand here with you
And speak from within
About the way
You choose to go
Your fate in your hands
Your Karma will know
A true person who
Is really awake & alive
Falls down & stands tall
Who will fight to survive

~ J. Lefever ~


©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Daily Reflection on Trystღ (02/16/13)

Daily Reflection (02/16/13)




My First 365


Lazy Saturday morning, I hope you are all having! Hello Tryst! I’ve been up since 7am because I had to be here at work this morning for a half day. Not so bad, half day & all, but I’ll shamelessly admit that if I didn’t have this work to do, I would be at home having a lazy Saturday morning for sure!! Probably sleeping in a little, eventually I would roll out of bed and make some coffee or breakfast, and then curl up with my laptop to play in all my networks and do some writing… still in my P.J’s, of course!! (Now I’m just torturing myself!! I need to stop talking!!)


I enjoy working, really I do. But sometimes, only sometimes, I dream of what it would be like to be a stay at home wife. To be able to do whatever it is that pleases me because my hubby brings home plenty of bacon and I am blessed with the freedom to do whatever… I would probably have a series of fiction novels by now because I would write my heart out!! Among many other things, I would have the time to learn to play my guitar better, and I would have the time to paint more (I do oil & acrylic on canvas, abstract, and some charcoal.. but I don’t have much time, ever..) For any of you out there that have this life, I hope you appreciate it, because to most, it’s like a dream.. Yes, I sit here on Saturday morning, dreaming of what that would be like.. humm.. (My mind trails off for a few minutes..


This morning, my reflective thought is on milestones. I use this word because my dad sent it to me in a text not too long ago, saying, “That is a huge milestone Jen! Be proud. Yo Dad is proud of you. Love you!” -Dad.


Today marks the day of one full year of being clean!

I am very proud of myself! There was a time when I never thought this possible. There was a time when I thought there was no hope for me. There was a time when I was inches from giving up completely. There were many times when I thought my life was destroyed beyond repair. There was a time when I thought my spirit was so broken and dead that it would never come back to life. There was a time when I thought I would never smile again… I could go on & on, but I am aware of all of these times, so the milestone that this day marks, to me, is incredible, amazing, wonderful, miraculous and so much more!


Believing in yourself starts from within. We ALL have the power to fight for what we want inside, we just have to make the effort.

No one could do this for me. No one. I did this, and it feels great!!


There were people, I’m sure, who said there was no hope for me.. Well.. the best revenge against people like that, is a life well lived!! (That is an actual take on a quote, but I’m not sure who said those words, so I’m not takin credit for them, just using them b/c they are awesome words!!)


For the goal setters out there, reaching a milestone is a great feeling!!

Keep pushing towards your goals, and make sure that you honor your milestones along the way!! There are some fights in life that only we can battle ourselves. And in those battles, when we succeed and reach a milestone, the glory and celebration is all ours!!


I hope you all have a wonderful Saturday!! ~ Jen


Tryst Thought: There are moments in our lives when we are our own kind of Rock Stars!! In those moments, let yourself shine and be proud!! You worked hard for the limelight to be all on you!!


©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication


Dark Intimidation

Dark Intimidation
Thick, damp
It suffocates me
Covers every inch
Its hiding me
Scream into its silence, but
No one hears a word
Darkness so thick
It muffles my tiny sound
Making my way
As if I’m in a maze
The puzzle is it’s’ essence
It plays tricks on my mind
Luring me further & further
Down deep, to its very core
Obsessed by the challenge
I find myself again
Without steel, iron or blade, only
Armed with my soul
Intimidated shamefully
Yet I push on through
To find a glimmer of light
In the thickness of you
~ J. Lefever ~
This piece was written last year… During a time when I was searching for my spirit…
©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Midnight Reflection on Trystღ (02/07/13)

Midnight Reflection (02/07/13)


The Temptations

 Darkness blankets the cities we live in. We are all breathing, surviving and playing our own personal parts in society. Making our own music.  Each one of us is important to the Universe. I have told you this before, Tryst friends, each one of you. I know that I have written some sad, sensitive and tearful things the last couple of days. I appreciate your support very much. Yes, this last year, just this last June, the worst, most terrible tragedy that could ever happen to me happened. I lost a part of me that I thought I’d always have. My brother. In this process, the process of grieving, I go through many up’s and down’s.

I am an optimist. Aside from the fact that I’m a recovering heroin addict, and dealing with this loss, I still consider myself an optimist. Through my actions in life, which speak louder than words, this is proven true. And even the eternal optimist has sadness, and sensitivity, and vulnerabilities, and bad days, and shitty moods, and slips and falls, and many imperfections, and mistakes, and so on. This only proves that I am, as I have said before, just an imperfect person in an imperfect world. (This is one of my fav pieces of Jen wisdom!) Tempting thoughts pop into my mind, or I’m triggered by something, or I have a craving for something toxic to my pure little soul I got going on today. Well, I’m getting real good and strong at shutting those thoughts the fuck up! Yep, and it feels good and I think I’m a bad ass when I shut them the fuck up! I say, Ha-Ha to you, you tempting little toxic thing because that’s all you are, a little toxic nothing! And I move on.

Tonight, this midnight reflection is for two things:

1. Kicking the temptations ass. Check.

2. Giving Mucho thanks to you Tryst friends!

Tryst friends, I am utterly grateful for all of you. You are all big, not little, but BIG shinning lights in my life, in my heart, and in my soul that help me more than you all probably know. I look forward to writing again. I am sharing my work, pieces, and words through my creativity and in Tryst World, and it’s comforting to my spirit. I am blessed to have connected with all of you, and a few of you more closely and on a more personal level. I am truly blessed. I am truly grateful for you. I am truly opening up and letting you all see me here on Tryst and creating a wonderful piece of me that wouldn’t be as great without all of you. Thank you.

Without all of you, without Tryst, there would be no need for this act of definition.

Good Night & Happy Dreams! ~Jen

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

The Victim & The Villain

This is… my most beloved of pieces. This piece is meant to be read slowly, to get the emotion in each word I chose to tell this story. This is a short story, about me. It is written poetically. I am happy to share it, and hope it is enjoyed and understood by those who read it. This is also the title of a book that I am currently writing… one of my writing projects that is very dear to my heart. This is the story of the Victim and the Villain. ~ J


 The Victim & The Villain


I can tell you of days

When I was completely frozen


I can tell you of weeks that went by

And I didn’t even notice


I can tell you of mornings

I would wake up mad

Mad ’cause I was still breathing, still alive

…isn’t that sad?


I can tell you of a lady

Who was once alive in me

She was vibrant, and she smiled

She was what other’s wanted to be


But somehow, in her life, she became

Tragically sad…

Things began to happen

Now, She’s a Victim to all things bad


A run of bad luck, for a decade, or so…

But she was also the Villain of her story, you know


As much as she tried

To push the darkness away

The Villain within

Would not let her stray


The Villain was strong but

It needed it’s Victim down

And with all of the chaos

The Victim was stuck in her town


Further and further

Did her pure image go

But deep down inside

Her spirit would know


In a time and a place

She could rise up again

And put to rest

Her corruption, her sin


I can tell you of days

When I thought this impossible


I can tell you today


I have become remarkable


Only because

I can see inside

That I was the Victim.. and the Villain

In my very own mind


Playing the taunter

And being taunted by…

The miraculous strength of

Me, Myself, and I…


I can’t tell you who wins

The story of me


The Victim, the Villain, or the saviour to be…


But I am each one

Each integral part


That make up the Victim… and the Villain

Inside of my heart.


~~ J. Lefever ~~



I am both, the Victim & the Villain. This is a story about me.

A Woman Like This



A Woman Like This


 How can I

Let others inside

To see a person

I’ve tried to hide

I hide myself

Cause I really don’t know

Who I am at all

So where do I go


How can I

Allow anyone to know me

If even I

Don’t know who I stand to be

I’m a little girl

Who is incredibly lost

I’m a grown woman

Who has faithfully fought

To mold and shape

To be OK

Only to survive

Each coming day


But I hate myself

For being so weak

For losing my soul

For not practicing what I preach


How can I

Find myself again

In a world that I

Have indulged in sin

Who could love

A woman like this

To simply love myself

Is all I really wish


~~ J. Lefever ~~



Another piece of my vulnerable spirit, when addiction had ahold of me. When I was chained down, using substances to free my mind, I was only killing myself, and wasting my time.

Addiction really turns you into a person that you’re not… I’m so glad I stood up and fought. I would fight again, I’d fight for me any day, I would find my voice, I’d use my strength in every way… I will never give up, and surrender again, I will never create that emptiness within…



Beautifully Broken

Beautifully Broken


Inside a shell
You can find me hiding
I hate myself
I’m alive, but lying
Some do say
As they look right at me
That I am fake
As they judge what they see
If you listen
To my timid voice
As I hide myself
I do this by choice
Because I’m so lost
And I hate what I know
The little bit of me
I chose not to show
For as long as I can remember
My secrets had to hide
Told not to be me
Told I have no pride
So inside a shell
Or behind a wall
I hide my all
To prevent my fall
As a child I wandered
Alone in my life
No place seemed to fit
Nothing felt right
So as I grew
I lost every bit of I
Now a grown woman
Identity lost in a high
Of that, you see
I found narcotic charms
Comfortably numb
With heroin in my arms
So to this day
Brought forth to you
I’m terrified to be seen
I remain hidden in all that I do
Cause if I come out
Of that shell I know
And don’t seem to fit
Behind my walls I go
I’ve been raised without a voice
Invisible, never spoken
Who am I really
Except beautifully broken
~~ J. Lefever ~~
Another piece from the ‘inside’. I was going through a lot of things… identity crisis, loneliness, homesickness… & some anger and denial. In all of this, I see these words I wrote… the darkness that I created in my own life, & I was the only one to blame. I was never broken, or needed to be fixed… I just forgot who I was for a while. I just was a little lost. I was terrified to talk about my addiction, the thought of being honest about it paralyzed me. I was incapable of admitting that I was weak, and couldn’t just stop. I hated the fact that the drug made me lose self control. It is an awful feeling not having control over something, not being able to say NO, or I QUIT!  I didn’t let anyone in on these things and as a result, I hit the bottom… but also at that bottom, did I find myself again and finally woke up.

Mirror Box


Mirror Box


Mirrors are like boxes

Holding the spirit you try to hide

If anyone could see

You hide your lack of pride


I am a shadow amongst the city

I am a shame to my own name

I hide so many parts of me

I hate being a part of this game


You don’t look at your own reflection

You won’t look yourself in the eye

You hate the woman standing there

Hatred so thick you don’t even cry


You don’t want to be

Anything you represent

You curse and spit at who you see

In the past and present


You run from your past

but the mirrors just follow

Shattering at your feet

Reminder of a soul that’s hollow


Mirrors are like boxes

That tell where you are going

If you hate your mirrors reflection

It’s your reflection’s darkness showing…


~~ J. Lefever ~~



Another piece on Addiction and what it was like for me. It’s truly amazing, once I faced the addiction and now live clean & sober, this person I used to write about, isn’t me at all… It’s good to see, to remember what Heroin did to me… I will never go back to that, I never want to NOT be me.