I Have Thought…

“I cannot explain it”, she said…

“Well, not everyone can do it… Not nearly everyone…” He continued, “I mean, its been over four years, since you’ve done it, and you just pick up your pen, and it spills out… All falling into place, as if you never, ever, stopped.”

He pauses for a moment to attempt to better understand, what it is exactly, that even he, himself, is defining for her at this very moment…

He continues…

“It has rhythm. It makes sense. Its pretty… Mostly… And sad too… But that’s how anyone who takes the time to absorb it, each word you seem to carelessly select, yet each word seems to fit, so perfectly, it often leaves your readers speechless… Intimidated to even try to speak upon what you’ve written… Because… Its good… Its real… I can feel it.”

He finishes his thought as he shyly looks over towards her…

She is sitting cross-legged by the window, tying a few strands of her hair into knots… Over and over again…

He cant help but to notice, as he can feel her present emotion so thick… Almost suffocating him as he shifts, sitting with the discomfort of her very real and undeniably raw sense of feeling, hanging in the room, like heavy drapes on big glass windows built on the front side of an enormous estate… The kind you drive by as a child, riding in the back seat of your parents car as a child… Thinking it must be like a museum inside… Intimidating in thoughts of being homelike… And not too comfortable either… But you still have wild, childlike fantasies of what it must be like… To be a part of a family that lives in one of those enormous, fancy and unrealistic estates that are actually considered a real ‘home’ to some people…

She was real…

And she was raw…

Always so open, like a book or a magazine…

He often wished he could communicate his life like she could… So open… So real… Captivating others like he has seen her do… More than a time or two…

“I cant explain it… I just pick up my pen and I let everything else go… I brush all the dirt from my mind… The tragic loss and deep pain too… I let go… And I just write… Its as if my soul is speaking… Yes, my soul, it is as if it’s dancing across the paper with words as its partner… Except its my prose that renders itself across the paper… And I don’t even know what I’m writing at the moment of first transcription… I truly don’t” she trails off, rather shyly…

He enjoys her shy smile as usual… Chosing not to interrupt her, as he most often does… hoping for a glance of her when shes feeling overly open and exposed… vulnerability is sweet on her and he likes it… more every time he witnesses it…

“Why now?” He asks, anticipating her response… Not having a clue what her answer could be… She is spectacular at presenting that moment revealing her element of surprise…

“Why now, after four, long, and may I say, four unbelievable years it has been for you… Since you wrote last… So, why, now… What is the significance of this time, right here, right now”, he asks her…

She is deep within her thought process… Deep in her deep mind… He can visibly see her soul at work… Pulling the perfect verbal response…

And after a few moments, she looks up to him and says, “Four years?”

“What is this ‘four years’ you keep pressing me about!?” She continues…

“Yes, I do believe, that I am ready, to speak on some things that my soul has been pushing for quite some time now…”

She pauses…

And she breathes deep…

Then with curious and lost eyes, she looks at him and says;

“But who are you? How do you speak to know so much on me! We’ve only just met!……”


I have some things to write about. And after all this, in due time, it is now… That I, finally come back up for air… To write about these things that I, have seen with my own eyes… Felt with my own hands… Heard with my own ears and tasted in everything that followed them…

I have thought.

It is time to speak.

…to be continued…



Tryst Publication


When I’m Alone

When I’m Alone
When everyone has gone
I’m in the presence of just me
My spirit and I play games
We argue with what we see
There is no outside noise
No chatter from other voices
But my mind is loud as always
Battling all my life’s choices
I go back and forth
From good to bad to everything
In the space in between
Living inside of nightmarish dreams
My angels are strong
Standing up to my devils everyday
Good fighting evil
Consuming my soul in every way
When I am alone
I’m not really alone at all
I’m stuck with my mind
Inside self prison made walls
Daily I think
In memory of my innocence
My own reflection reminding
Of my spirits remembrance
The years have slowly taken
The person I was born to be
When I am alone
I am haunted by me
~ J. Lefever ~
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Fortress Walls

Fortress Walls


Yellow, red and brown

Leaves that paint the tender ground

Sprinkled around the fortress walls

My fortress where my heart calls

Into the air

Out its windows

Trapped up behind the walls

Brick upon brick

I call to you

To anyone who

Will answer to my

Beckoning voice

I make not, huge demands

Just simplicity, in someones hands

To have and to hold

Away from this cold

This fortress, so strong

So carefully built

Upon rock and mountain

Hidding fear and guilt

I stand at its window

Looking down below

To see the colors of Fall

Scattered around my fortress walls

Should I just jump

Release my spirit from it all

Soar through the air

Away from the Fortress walls

And If I land

Back on the ground

Will I hear my fortress call

Luring me back behind its walls

~ J. Lefever ~



©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

I’m Never Alone, I’m Alone All the Time


There are moments when the last thing I need is to be alone.  Sometimes when I get lost in my head, it is a very dangerous place to be.  My mind can wonder, it can worry and it can talk me into thinking that things are much worse than they really are.  Sometimes I need to humble myself and realize that even though I think I have all the answers, I don’t, and it’s not in my best interest to be alone with my thoughts. 

On the flip side, being alone allows me to look at every aspect of what I’m going through and internalize it to best fit my mental, emotional, spiritual and/or physical needs.  When I am faced with tough things in life, whether it’s self-induced, something traumatic or tragic that is out of my control or smaller difficulties that have an emotional connection or not, I need moments to myself where I can really just sit and think about how I am affected by the situation and the best way to get through it.  Because honestly, as selfish as this sounds, the most important person in my life, is me.  I will always have me, I can always count on me and I can’t go anywhere where I escape me.  No matter what, I will always be there.

It takes confidence, some internal stability and independence to be OK with being alone.  I have always enjoyed my alone time, and not just to get through tough moments, but to also be still, to relax and unwind.  It’s nice to go home to a quiet house sometimes.  It’s nice to run errands alone or exercise by my self.  I get all that good thinking done.  I also think that spending time with just myself, allows me to continue to get to know myself, thus continuing to build the most important relationship I will ever be in. 

There is a famous saying, “You cannot love another, unless you love yourself first,” I believe this to be so true and one of the pieces of wisdom’s that I was told at a very young age, yet, took years to understand fully, and even further, to practice and live by this knowledge and very wise piece of advice.  I cannot remember who the first person was that told me this, but if I knew, I would definitely find a way to thank them.  I will be passing this wisdom on, and I have, to those who are in need of hearing it.  Now, just because I was told this little bit of knowledge, and had the words running through my mind, that was all it was at first, words.  The knowledge of this wisdom came many years later, many years, after I had served more time in my life, learning to love myself after I have fallen, screwed up and done things that I regret.  Self forgiveness, or forgiving another, is one of the hardest things I have ever tried to do, and to do honestly.  Just because I say I forgive, doesn’t mean that I actually do.   Forgiveness is within, it is for my own soul first, not just for the one who is being forgiven.  And when a person needs to forgive themself, whether they say it or not, they truly know within if they mean it. 

I’m never alone, but I’m alone all the time.  I say this because even in the busyness of my day, each week, all month-long, with my job responsibilities and other appointments or obligations and dinners and events in the city, no matter where I am, I can be surrounded by people and still experience moments where I’m alone.  I say this because even though I have people in my life, the ones who are in my spirit and soul are only one or two… and for me, that is perfect.  I am not often completely alone, but when I am, I grately appreciate those moments.  And even when I am with others, either family or out in public, I’m still just surrounded with the physical beings of others, but my spirit, is alone…

  …and the time you have is precious, it is priceless… you can’t ever get time back. Like this moment, you will never get this moment ever again.  So why chose to live anyother way, than the best & most happiest ways you can?  Why waste even a single minute when you only live once?

It took all of my twenties before I felt this comfortable in my own skin, and wearing my own shoes!  Today, I wouldn’t change places with anyone!  I see things today that I have never seen before.  My past, all of my mistakes, and all of my success, has given me this wonderful collective wisdom, intuition and insight, experience with my age and knowledge that I have been taught by the most important person, me!  And the best part, no one can tell me otherwise.  I’m OK when I’m alone.  In fact, I really like it.  The title of this post is in face a lyric in a song.  In the late 90’s, grunge rock was very popular, and I was a huge fan of the band, Bush.  I still have a girlie crush on the lead singer, Gavin Rossdale.  The song was ‘Glycerine’, on the Bush album, ’16 Stone’.  I have remembered the words to that song all of these years, and when I read today’s ‘Daily Prompt’, I knew exactly what I would write about!!  That’s all for now…

~ Jen