I Have Thought…

“I cannot explain it”, she said…

“Well, not everyone can do it… Not nearly everyone…” He continued, “I mean, its been over four years, since you’ve done it, and you just pick up your pen, and it spills out… All falling into place, as if you never, ever, stopped.”

He pauses for a moment to attempt to better understand, what it is exactly, that even he, himself, is defining for her at this very moment…

He continues…

“It has rhythm. It makes sense. Its pretty… Mostly… And sad too… But that’s how anyone who takes the time to absorb it, each word you seem to carelessly select, yet each word seems to fit, so perfectly, it often leaves your readers speechless… Intimidated to even try to speak upon what you’ve written… Because… Its good… Its real… I can feel it.”

He finishes his thought as he shyly looks over towards her…

She is sitting cross-legged by the window, tying a few strands of her hair into knots… Over and over again…

He cant help but to notice, as he can feel her present emotion so thick… Almost suffocating him as he shifts, sitting with the discomfort of her very real and undeniably raw sense of feeling, hanging in the room, like heavy drapes on big glass windows built on the front side of an enormous estate… The kind you drive by as a child, riding in the back seat of your parents car as a child… Thinking it must be like a museum inside… Intimidating in thoughts of being homelike… And not too comfortable either… But you still have wild, childlike fantasies of what it must be like… To be a part of a family that lives in one of those enormous, fancy and unrealistic estates that are actually considered a real ‘home’ to some people…

She was real…

And she was raw…

Always so open, like a book or a magazine…

He often wished he could communicate his life like she could… So open… So real… Captivating others like he has seen her do… More than a time or two…

“I cant explain it… I just pick up my pen and I let everything else go… I brush all the dirt from my mind… The tragic loss and deep pain too… I let go… And I just write… Its as if my soul is speaking… Yes, my soul, it is as if it’s dancing across the paper with words as its partner… Except its my prose that renders itself across the paper… And I don’t even know what I’m writing at the moment of first transcription… I truly don’t” she trails off, rather shyly…

He enjoys her shy smile as usual… Chosing not to interrupt her, as he most often does… hoping for a glance of her when shes feeling overly open and exposed… vulnerability is sweet on her and he likes it… more every time he witnesses it…

“Why now?” He asks, anticipating her response… Not having a clue what her answer could be… She is spectacular at presenting that moment revealing her element of surprise…

“Why now, after four, long, and may I say, four unbelievable years it has been for you… Since you wrote last… So, why, now… What is the significance of this time, right here, right now”, he asks her…

She is deep within her thought process… Deep in her deep mind… He can visibly see her soul at work… Pulling the perfect verbal response…

And after a few moments, she looks up to him and says, “Four years?”

“What is this ‘four years’ you keep pressing me about!?” She continues…

“Yes, I do believe, that I am ready, to speak on some things that my soul has been pushing for quite some time now…”

She pauses…

And she breathes deep…

Then with curious and lost eyes, she looks at him and says;

“But who are you? How do you speak to know so much on me! We’ve only just met!……”

***

I have some things to write about. And after all this, in due time, it is now… That I, finally come back up for air… To write about these things that I, have seen with my own eyes… Felt with my own hands… Heard with my own ears and tasted in everything that followed them…

I have thought.

It is time to speak.

…to be continued…

***

J.LeFever

Tryst Publication

2020

Black & Blue

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Black & Blue

The game we play

Goes back and forth

Of two people who

Make verbal stabs like daggers

Intent is only

To pierce the other

To make them bleed

To hurt, nothing else

Who have we become

We were never this way before

Once you loved me

And it was you that I adored

But now the days are different

We are black and blue today

Black when we hurt the other

Blue when we cry and bruise

This game is cruel and ugly

Its intent is to stab, burn and use

-J. Lefever

(12/11/13)

***

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

ღ Heart Drops ღ

 
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Heart Drops
 
 
 Suck in a breath
I choke for air
My heart drops to the floor
 
***
There is rain all around
Thunder deafens my ears
I’m down on the floor
I’ve been down for years
 
***
I can’t feel my fingers
Legs don’t seem to work
Pointless to call for help
Take this pain, it hurts
 
***
Don’t know where to run
I’ve been running for so long
I Can’t see the sun
Nothing feels like love
 
***
Wind hits my face
Bitter cold dose of reality
Bad always comes in numbers
I pretend I’m somewhere else
 
***
Fighting for the kindness
Losing the battle everyday
Family is a four letter word
I’ve got no reason to stay
 
***
You finally win
My tears fall from my eyes
Broken heart drops to the floor
Never to beat, anymore
 
~J. Lefever~
(05/09/13)
 
*****
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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
 
 
 

The Wrong Pleasure

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The Wrong Pleasure
 
Drapped in the dark
I hide from you
Mimicking my sorrow
Do my feelings
Penetrate you
Inside I am burning
I have so much I need to say
But I am exhausted from the task
Of pleasing you each day
 
Don’t you see
That my smile is fake
It hasn’t been sincere
For many moons we’ve seen
There is a reason
I keep on going
My heart loves
It keeps on showing
But my emotion is wrong
Don’t watch my loathing
 
Forgive me while I ponder
Something doesn’t quite measure
I’m being poisoned by
The wrong kind of pleasure
I have taken it in
Absorbed it into my heart
Fighting this catalyst
As my world falls apart
 
I sense your wicked charm
You really never fooled me
Feeding me a lifetime of harm
Did you think I couldn’t see
Trying to trick me
By your false devotion
Tasting on my lips
Your lethal potion
 
In a moment
I will waste no more time
I will break this curse
And take what is mine
I never fit the part
Of the cruelish girl indeed
I won’t fake my smile again
Find a new soul to bleed
 
~J. Lefever~
(04/24/13)
 
This is dark.. but real… read between the lines.. I am delivering a very powerful message here…
 
*****
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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Broken Bridges

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Broken Bridges

 

What we were

Can’t shake the feeling

What we’ve done

Our bridge is now broken

Silence now between us

Whispers words unspoken

It’s not us

Broken trust

Tainted lust

We stand

In the dust

Left far behind

Said too much

Bleeding

Can’t rewind

Bridge has fallen

Shaking as we

Walk across

Daring to find

Some Peace of mind

As we are

Left far behind

The ‘Us’ we once were

Trust we once shared

Too much to take

Does either of us even care?

 

~J. Lefever~

(04/23/13)

 

 

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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 

Love Bites ~ Tryst Update

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Love Bites ~ Tryst Update

Wednesday. I’m at work. My life keeps on going… whether I like it or not. I’m not really sure how much more I can handle. Yesterday was really tough. I haven’t spoken to anyone about the events of yesterday, yet… I am kind-of going over things in my mind.

 

Yesterday I was reminded of some truths and wisdom’s:

 

“No one gives a real shit about you, except yourself.”

“Watch your own back. No one is going to do it for you.”

“Just because you hold yourself accountable for mistakes in life, doesn’t mean other people will.”

“It is much easier to point a finger at someone else.”

 And…

“People can be a real disappointment.” …Even the ones we love the most. When we realize that what we would do for them, far surpasses what they would ever do for us.

 

I can sit here and tell myself, oh, if it wasn’t for this, or that, or that person, I would never be in this situation. (( I know I am being very vague here, but I need some discrepancy, at least for the time being. )) But that kind of thinking is really unproductive. Yea, other people play a part in things, sometimes a real BIG part. And I doubt when times are tough, that those people want to admit they are responsible for some of the grief, or responsible for some of the suffering that another is going through. Who likes to admit they have played a part in fucking up someone’s life? I sure would feel really-stinkin-bad if I were a certain someone in my life right now… but that’s just me. My heart knows right from wrong. I have screwed up many things in my life, but I still know when I’m responsible for something. Which gets me to my point…

 

I can’t sit here and be mad at someone else. Sure, when I think back on the years, my life got really shitty there for a while, and it was half me, half them. They got the luckier/easier end of the stick, I didn’t. I did not have any of these problems before this person came into my life, so the proof is right there. There is nothing to argue about.

 

No one really prepares you for some things in life. My dad tells my that my heart is so good, kind & sensitive that it is not always a good thing. Sometimes, having a heart that cares like I do, I find myself suffering a lot more than I should because the inability to tell people to FUCK OFF and GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE. My dad is right. I have a very hard time saying that to people… most especially if I have a love for them, any kind of love, makes it that much harder.

 

I sit here and hear the words, over & over in my mind, “The only one who really cares about me is me…”

 

Today, Tryst family, I am reflecting on what is really best for myself. I have lost a lot in the last three years. A lot. What does my future look like if I don’t make some serious changes… There are too many things I want to do… Why the hell would I sacrifice anything in my life? …I shouldn’t have too… (More on this in my Daily Ref. )

 

Always have your BEST interests at heart!! DON’T sacrifice anything for anyone!! Trust me, life is short, and no one is worth it. (( I take that back… there are good people out there who are worth it, but they are few and rare… ))

 

I hope the day finds you all well Tryst Peeps. As for me, I have a life to think about. (( I hope this made any sense… I feel like I just went on a rant… but, even I, need a rant every once & a while! Life is hard!! People suck!! I have a right to rant, if I want, right? ))

 

~ Jen

 

Tryst Thought : How many times must my heart-break? I don’t know if I can keep defending someone who I know has done me wrong. I need not have to explain the words on this page either. For any intelligent person, this should be understandable. 

 

When you love someone, you don’t create more complications for them. You don’t throw them under the bus, and their well-being, even their freedom, just for your own selfish needs and problems. That is not love. That is not love at all.

 

 

*****
 
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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Carnival

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Carnival
 
The colors of the carnival
Danced in front of my eyes
Playing tricks
Magical tricks
Of the most wicked kind
 
Luring me into
The corners of the unknown
I take tiny steps
In fear of the moment
Questioning the intention of you
 
Life is a parade
Of my success & failures
On constant display
For all the world
To see… the parade of me
 
Or is it a stage show
With real words and moments
Acted out by me
Tears and music
All my sadness and joy
 
In this carnival
Of my life dancing before my eyes
My spark is momentarily gone
Busy with the pain I’ve been given
Distracted by the mistakes of my youth
 
Today I fell
Into the dirty water
I allowed myself to sink
To the bottom of nothing
Once again, I too feel like nothing
 
There are days
When I hate some things about life
Truth & realities
I question, Why
Reasons I hide
 
There are times
When I laugh at everything
All that I see
Is beautiful and kind
Reasons to be alive
 
And then the carnival
Comes back to town
With its tricks and shows of magic
Playing and toying with my mind
Making me live through
Moments not of my choice
Forcing my eyes to see things
So sad it steals my own voice
 
Who am I
But a heart given to you
You come along
With your poisons
And break me too
 
So much I
Would never have seen
If I never had you
In the carnival’s
Nightmarish-Dream
 
~J. Lefever~
(04/02/13)
 
*****
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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 

Careless Hair

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Careless Hair
I walked to that place
Where no one knows I go
Alone in the mist of morning
Surrounded by music of the mountain
The wind brushes my face
Whips my careless hair
Careless like the way you left
Standing solo in the door
Left looking somewhere beyond
Way past the life we ever seemed to have
I seems I’ve already forgotten you
Just a shadow that has moved along
Gone just as quickly as you came
Like tumble weed, rolling unseen through
Dry, endless vastness of the desert
My heart has no place left for you
~ J. Lefever ~
(03/13/13)
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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Taken

Taken
 
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Undertow of emotion
Pulls me further & further
Feeding my sensitivity
Like its dying from famine
 
Vaguely remembering a time
When the waters ran deep
The world was alive, in color
Hunger was not something to feed
 
Hushed by the threat
That poses itself each day
Luring me to be weak
Fallen again, I just may
 
Wading on through
The pool of my forgotten realities
How I found myself here
Fixed by the proper formalities
 
Silenced by my mind
As it walks around the city
Debating my philosophies
Fighting what’s left of me
 
I know the reason
I have crawled here to die
Because it hurts less
Than the moments when I cry
 
One day, someone came to me
And said I’d never be the same
Said half my heart was killed
That I had lost the dirty game
 
They said, you will have to go on
You will hurt no matter what you do
You will never be whole again
Nothing will ever feel like you
 
~ J. Lefever ~
(03/13/13)
 
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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Fuck You ~ A Comparison Piece

Fuck You

A Comparison Piece on Love

Another take on Love, something that is not love at all, a misunderstanding.

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 When I

Think of the ways

Love is supposed to be

I realize

It’s not as beautiful

Not the way love should be

Your words

Cold, harsh, cruel

They slice through me

You throw words

That burn inside my heart

One after another

I sit here

Choking back

Tears and anger, this tears us apart

When did time

Bring us to this place

I cry alone, so you can’t see

The vulnerable

Sensitive and sadness

You have given to me

I wonder if

You find joy

In hurting me like this

As the words

Keep coming

Stabbing me senseless

Yet, here I sit

Crumbling alone

Allowing you to continue the madness

Your words hurt

Much more than a punch

Leaving permanent scars inside

You turn to me

Wondering why

So often I run and hide

~ J. Lefever ~

(02/17/13)

This piece was written about me, yes, once upon a time, I was in this very kind of situation. I am not the only one, who has been through this kind of misunderstood love. I think that many women can say, that they have stayed in a place too long. Knowing inside that their heart was breaking, that they were too good, too kind, too forgiving for being treated this way. There is no excuse for this kind of shit. Stand up tall, and say ‘fuck you’, knowing you deserve so much better than this.

This is not what love is, or what it looks like for me today. My love is the greatest love and has taught me so much. To have been through what is written above, has made me appreciate my marriage so much. I know the difference between ‘love’ and being ‘in-love’ and even deeper than that, being ‘in-love’ with the idea of being ‘in-love’.

Love cannot be forced. It cannot be controlled. Your heart loves who it loves. But you can control your life, and your choices. Today, I make the choice to not have forced, misunderstood love. When the last thing I was looking for was love, that was when love came and found me… When it was ready to be found. Only then was I able to say that I have love, for real.

Reference my piece for Romantic Monday, YOU, to see what love is like for me today.

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication Speak