Black & Blue

images

Black & Blue

The game we play

Goes back and forth

Of two people who

Make verbal stabs like daggers

Intent is only

To pierce the other

To make them bleed

To hurt, nothing else

Who have we become

We were never this way before

Once you loved me

And it was you that I adored

But now the days are different

We are black and blue today

Black when we hurt the other

Blue when we cry and bruise

This game is cruel and ugly

Its intent is to stab, burn and use

-J. Lefever

(12/11/13)

***

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

ღ Heart Drops ღ

 
64797e235a0c591dcc0158964a921dc7
 
Heart Drops
 
 
 Suck in a breath
I choke for air
My heart drops to the floor
 
***
There is rain all around
Thunder deafens my ears
I’m down on the floor
I’ve been down for years
 
***
I can’t feel my fingers
Legs don’t seem to work
Pointless to call for help
Take this pain, it hurts
 
***
Don’t know where to run
I’ve been running for so long
I Can’t see the sun
Nothing feels like love
 
***
Wind hits my face
Bitter cold dose of reality
Bad always comes in numbers
I pretend I’m somewhere else
 
***
Fighting for the kindness
Losing the battle everyday
Family is a four letter word
I’ve got no reason to stay
 
***
You finally win
My tears fall from my eyes
Broken heart drops to the floor
Never to beat, anymore
 
~J. Lefever~
(05/09/13)
 
*****
imagesCA92RAD2
 
 
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
 
 
 

The Wrong Pleasure

imagesCA1PM2DO
 
The Wrong Pleasure
 
Drapped in the dark
I hide from you
Mimicking my sorrow
Do my feelings
Penetrate you
Inside I am burning
I have so much I need to say
But I am exhausted from the task
Of pleasing you each day
 
Don’t you see
That my smile is fake
It hasn’t been sincere
For many moons we’ve seen
There is a reason
I keep on going
My heart loves
It keeps on showing
But my emotion is wrong
Don’t watch my loathing
 
Forgive me while I ponder
Something doesn’t quite measure
I’m being poisoned by
The wrong kind of pleasure
I have taken it in
Absorbed it into my heart
Fighting this catalyst
As my world falls apart
 
I sense your wicked charm
You really never fooled me
Feeding me a lifetime of harm
Did you think I couldn’t see
Trying to trick me
By your false devotion
Tasting on my lips
Your lethal potion
 
In a moment
I will waste no more time
I will break this curse
And take what is mine
I never fit the part
Of the cruelish girl indeed
I won’t fake my smile again
Find a new soul to bleed
 
~J. Lefever~
(04/24/13)
 
This is dark.. but real… read between the lines.. I am delivering a very powerful message here…
 
*****
4d094a1b8850773e99232aec76061b1c
 
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Broken Bridges

faf

Broken Bridges

 

What we were

Can’t shake the feeling

What we’ve done

Our bridge is now broken

Silence now between us

Whispers words unspoken

It’s not us

Broken trust

Tainted lust

We stand

In the dust

Left far behind

Said too much

Bleeding

Can’t rewind

Bridge has fallen

Shaking as we

Walk across

Daring to find

Some Peace of mind

As we are

Left far behind

The ‘Us’ we once were

Trust we once shared

Too much to take

Does either of us even care?

 

~J. Lefever~

(04/23/13)

 

 

4d094a1b8850773e99232aec76061b1c
 
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 

Love Bites ~ Tryst Update

70228075409575770_aWKwy1YI_b

Love Bites ~ Tryst Update

Wednesday. I’m at work. My life keeps on going… whether I like it or not. I’m not really sure how much more I can handle. Yesterday was really tough. I haven’t spoken to anyone about the events of yesterday, yet… I am kind-of going over things in my mind.

 

Yesterday I was reminded of some truths and wisdom’s:

 

“No one gives a real shit about you, except yourself.”

“Watch your own back. No one is going to do it for you.”

“Just because you hold yourself accountable for mistakes in life, doesn’t mean other people will.”

“It is much easier to point a finger at someone else.”

 And…

“People can be a real disappointment.” …Even the ones we love the most. When we realize that what we would do for them, far surpasses what they would ever do for us.

 

I can sit here and tell myself, oh, if it wasn’t for this, or that, or that person, I would never be in this situation. (( I know I am being very vague here, but I need some discrepancy, at least for the time being. )) But that kind of thinking is really unproductive. Yea, other people play a part in things, sometimes a real BIG part. And I doubt when times are tough, that those people want to admit they are responsible for some of the grief, or responsible for some of the suffering that another is going through. Who likes to admit they have played a part in fucking up someone’s life? I sure would feel really-stinkin-bad if I were a certain someone in my life right now… but that’s just me. My heart knows right from wrong. I have screwed up many things in my life, but I still know when I’m responsible for something. Which gets me to my point…

 

I can’t sit here and be mad at someone else. Sure, when I think back on the years, my life got really shitty there for a while, and it was half me, half them. They got the luckier/easier end of the stick, I didn’t. I did not have any of these problems before this person came into my life, so the proof is right there. There is nothing to argue about.

 

No one really prepares you for some things in life. My dad tells my that my heart is so good, kind & sensitive that it is not always a good thing. Sometimes, having a heart that cares like I do, I find myself suffering a lot more than I should because the inability to tell people to FUCK OFF and GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE. My dad is right. I have a very hard time saying that to people… most especially if I have a love for them, any kind of love, makes it that much harder.

 

I sit here and hear the words, over & over in my mind, “The only one who really cares about me is me…”

 

Today, Tryst family, I am reflecting on what is really best for myself. I have lost a lot in the last three years. A lot. What does my future look like if I don’t make some serious changes… There are too many things I want to do… Why the hell would I sacrifice anything in my life? …I shouldn’t have too… (More on this in my Daily Ref. )

 

Always have your BEST interests at heart!! DON’T sacrifice anything for anyone!! Trust me, life is short, and no one is worth it. (( I take that back… there are good people out there who are worth it, but they are few and rare… ))

 

I hope the day finds you all well Tryst Peeps. As for me, I have a life to think about. (( I hope this made any sense… I feel like I just went on a rant… but, even I, need a rant every once & a while! Life is hard!! People suck!! I have a right to rant, if I want, right? ))

 

~ Jen

 

Tryst Thought : How many times must my heart-break? I don’t know if I can keep defending someone who I know has done me wrong. I need not have to explain the words on this page either. For any intelligent person, this should be understandable. 

 

When you love someone, you don’t create more complications for them. You don’t throw them under the bus, and their well-being, even their freedom, just for your own selfish needs and problems. That is not love. That is not love at all.

 

 

*****
 
100184c5e88d0e028e7a645b7fdd5901
 
 
 
©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Carnival

imagesCAAAJIF5
 
Carnival
 
The colors of the carnival
Danced in front of my eyes
Playing tricks
Magical tricks
Of the most wicked kind
 
Luring me into
The corners of the unknown
I take tiny steps
In fear of the moment
Questioning the intention of you
 
Life is a parade
Of my success & failures
On constant display
For all the world
To see… the parade of me
 
Or is it a stage show
With real words and moments
Acted out by me
Tears and music
All my sadness and joy
 
In this carnival
Of my life dancing before my eyes
My spark is momentarily gone
Busy with the pain I’ve been given
Distracted by the mistakes of my youth
 
Today I fell
Into the dirty water
I allowed myself to sink
To the bottom of nothing
Once again, I too feel like nothing
 
There are days
When I hate some things about life
Truth & realities
I question, Why
Reasons I hide
 
There are times
When I laugh at everything
All that I see
Is beautiful and kind
Reasons to be alive
 
And then the carnival
Comes back to town
With its tricks and shows of magic
Playing and toying with my mind
Making me live through
Moments not of my choice
Forcing my eyes to see things
So sad it steals my own voice
 
Who am I
But a heart given to you
You come along
With your poisons
And break me too
 
So much I
Would never have seen
If I never had you
In the carnival’s
Nightmarish-Dream
 
~J. Lefever~
(04/02/13)
 
*****
 imagesCAKJ9JNC
 
 
©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 

Careless Hair

imagesjdj
Careless Hair
I walked to that place
Where no one knows I go
Alone in the mist of morning
Surrounded by music of the mountain
The wind brushes my face
Whips my careless hair
Careless like the way you left
Standing solo in the door
Left looking somewhere beyond
Way past the life we ever seemed to have
I seems I’ve already forgotten you
Just a shadow that has moved along
Gone just as quickly as you came
Like tumble weed, rolling unseen through
Dry, endless vastness of the desert
My heart has no place left for you
~ J. Lefever ~
(03/13/13)
c4acc69053c2800b207cddb5b55d9b23
©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication