Black & Blue

images

Black & Blue

The game we play

Goes back and forth

Of two people who

Make verbal stabs like daggers

Intent is only

To pierce the other

To make them bleed

To hurt, nothing else

Who have we become

We were never this way before

Once you loved me

And it was you that I adored

But now the days are different

We are black and blue today

Black when we hurt the other

Blue when we cry and bruise

This game is cruel and ugly

Its intent is to stab, burn and use

-J. Lefever

(12/11/13)

***

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

The Wrong Pleasure

imagesCA1PM2DO
 
The Wrong Pleasure
 
Drapped in the dark
I hide from you
Mimicking my sorrow
Do my feelings
Penetrate you
Inside I am burning
I have so much I need to say
But I am exhausted from the task
Of pleasing you each day
 
Don’t you see
That my smile is fake
It hasn’t been sincere
For many moons we’ve seen
There is a reason
I keep on going
My heart loves
It keeps on showing
But my emotion is wrong
Don’t watch my loathing
 
Forgive me while I ponder
Something doesn’t quite measure
I’m being poisoned by
The wrong kind of pleasure
I have taken it in
Absorbed it into my heart
Fighting this catalyst
As my world falls apart
 
I sense your wicked charm
You really never fooled me
Feeding me a lifetime of harm
Did you think I couldn’t see
Trying to trick me
By your false devotion
Tasting on my lips
Your lethal potion
 
In a moment
I will waste no more time
I will break this curse
And take what is mine
I never fit the part
Of the cruelish girl indeed
I won’t fake my smile again
Find a new soul to bleed
 
~J. Lefever~
(04/24/13)
 
This is dark.. but real… read between the lines.. I am delivering a very powerful message here…
 
*****
4d094a1b8850773e99232aec76061b1c
 
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Broken Bridges

faf

Broken Bridges

 

What we were

Can’t shake the feeling

What we’ve done

Our bridge is now broken

Silence now between us

Whispers words unspoken

It’s not us

Broken trust

Tainted lust

We stand

In the dust

Left far behind

Said too much

Bleeding

Can’t rewind

Bridge has fallen

Shaking as we

Walk across

Daring to find

Some Peace of mind

As we are

Left far behind

The ‘Us’ we once were

Trust we once shared

Too much to take

Does either of us even care?

 

~J. Lefever~

(04/23/13)

 

 

4d094a1b8850773e99232aec76061b1c
 
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 

One Two Three

7d35f624a8b843dacacbefda7a8555f0 e3f0e9579f986268d0ac913c414496d1 353606349f4602245f109d97e9ecbae7

One, Two, Three

 

I am a complicated spirit

Yet, I find in all my philosophy

I am more definable than most

I am not ordinary, or boring, or standard

I was built with many colors

I have things that can spark a flame

Resulting in an emotional fire

Yes, my deepest feeling can burn me badly

I feel things more intensely inside

I get quite lost and curious of

Those who don’t seem to feel at all

 

I can be a million smiles

The most joyous soul you see all day

This happiness is energy in me

Visible to those who come my way

 

But if my path, in the course of my day                  

Crosses with something that causes me pain

Inside it hits me like a million blades

Damaging my heart like a hurricane rain

 

Then there is the side, I keep tucked far away

The side that I protect from anyone but me

It’s sensitive and sweet, but dark and broken

It’s the side that I don’t let anyone see…

 

That, I feel, is my one, two, three

And even though the energy may shift

I understand the moments I experience

As I believe they are my virtuous gifts.

 

~ J. Lefever ~

(04/19/13)

*****

db7452fffa8caaa1d1ac4ea0a63836db

 
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

 

 

 

Rewind

61f766584a7a14058d49dc67bb2e6430

Rewind

Defeat

I refuse to be taken down

A constant reminder

Of a past that

Is no longer mine

You

Are the only negative

Holding me back

You

Are the past that

Is my detour off track

My future has no likeness

Of what I’m leaving behind

Except being with you

You try to make me rewind

Why are you even here

Your motive is to enable me

To fall

You steal my happiness

You don’t see my success

At all

I thought things would be different

But you haven’t learned a thing

You tear me down each time

You don’t let me be me

The tragedy is

I still seek your approval and pride

Sadly, you

Make me feel like I should run and hide

I am worthy of happiness

I am good enough to be loved everyday

I do not need to keep defending myself

I am wonderful no matter what you say

~J. Lefever~

(04/21/13)

*****

Tryst Truth – Tragically, the ones we love the most, are the ones who hurt us the most. It is common for some people, even as adults, to seek the approval of our parents. (Statistically speaking, I read that 1 in every 10 people deals with issues regarding their parents, either emotional damage, or approval seeking… I also read that the numbers may be greater than that but there are a lot of people who don’t admit to these things, or pretend like they don’t exist)  Just to hear the words, “I am proud of you” has become such a clutch for me, personally. I feel like it will never happen for me… no matter what I do. A persons actions will tell you their level of investment in your life. With that said, it is very clear that I am only fooling myself… I am a forgiving, hopeful fool… Who is only fooling herself to believe things will ever be different…

As it breaks my heart to say these things… it is my reality… it is my life. There are things that I do not get in life. As long as I’m struggling, seeking the pride & approval of two people who in 31 years has never given me any kind of real, positive encouragement… I will never be truly happy. I am happy with myself today, so I need to stop believing that I need anyone’s approval to be happy… except my own.

*****
d8266f1b97542d4887528524ad95053c
 
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 

Carnival

imagesCAAAJIF5
 
Carnival
 
The colors of the carnival
Danced in front of my eyes
Playing tricks
Magical tricks
Of the most wicked kind
 
Luring me into
The corners of the unknown
I take tiny steps
In fear of the moment
Questioning the intention of you
 
Life is a parade
Of my success & failures
On constant display
For all the world
To see… the parade of me
 
Or is it a stage show
With real words and moments
Acted out by me
Tears and music
All my sadness and joy
 
In this carnival
Of my life dancing before my eyes
My spark is momentarily gone
Busy with the pain I’ve been given
Distracted by the mistakes of my youth
 
Today I fell
Into the dirty water
I allowed myself to sink
To the bottom of nothing
Once again, I too feel like nothing
 
There are days
When I hate some things about life
Truth & realities
I question, Why
Reasons I hide
 
There are times
When I laugh at everything
All that I see
Is beautiful and kind
Reasons to be alive
 
And then the carnival
Comes back to town
With its tricks and shows of magic
Playing and toying with my mind
Making me live through
Moments not of my choice
Forcing my eyes to see things
So sad it steals my own voice
 
Who am I
But a heart given to you
You come along
With your poisons
And break me too
 
So much I
Would never have seen
If I never had you
In the carnival’s
Nightmarish-Dream
 
~J. Lefever~
(04/02/13)
 
*****
 imagesCAKJ9JNC
 
 
©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 

Still, I Am Nothing

Still, I Am Nothing ~ A Painful Piece of Reality

 ba6eaaf7c40a2edb4a9d261ec0fc799b

Walk somewhere with me…

 

I pick up the sand

It runs through my fingers

Like time

The time I was there

Seems like someone elses life

Completely…

Certainly not mine

 

Who am I trying to be?

 

I’ll run with the horses

In the fields far away

This land is their playground

We just get in the way

Let me play

Just today

For a while

 

Where am I headed?

 

She said I was going

Nowhere

And that I was always

Quite the mess

A Hopeless waste of space

Running around this place

It was true, maybe

I don’t fit anywhere

 

Why do I try?

 

He told me in his words

That no matter what

I’d never succeed

I’ll never be good enough

Never will he be proud

I’m just no good

I’m just not smart

Why give me a chance

Or hope

When there is no hope for me

I’ll never be anyone

That he thinks I should be

 

Why do I still seek his approval?

 

Times like these

Is when I cry the most

Run the fastest

Hide the furthest away

From the world,

And the sunlight

From me and everything else

Trying to numb the

Pain inside

Of never being enough

Of anything

For my dad

 

Why am I not enough?

 

~ J. Lefever ~

This piece is a part of me that I’ve carried for years. My whole life, really.

I almost didn’t post it. I almost didn’t put the very last word in it.

This piece hurts. Bad. It’s how I’ve felt for years, and still to this day, no matter what I do, no matter how many battles I’ve finally found the strength to overcome, I am still not enough, not good enough, I am still nothing to my dad.

 

It breaks my heart.

281615782919240430_12HQbrRm_b

 

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication