I Have Thought…

“I cannot explain it”, she said…

“Well, not everyone can do it… Not nearly everyone…” He continued, “I mean, its been over four years, since you’ve done it, and you just pick up your pen, and it spills out… All falling into place, as if you never, ever, stopped.”

He pauses for a moment to attempt to better understand, what it is exactly, that even he, himself, is defining for her at this very moment…

He continues…

“It has rhythm. It makes sense. Its pretty… Mostly… And sad too… But that’s how anyone who takes the time to absorb it, each word you seem to carelessly select, yet each word seems to fit, so perfectly, it often leaves your readers speechless… Intimidated to even try to speak upon what you’ve written… Because… Its good… Its real… I can feel it.”

He finishes his thought as he shyly looks over towards her…

She is sitting cross-legged by the window, tying a few strands of her hair into knots… Over and over again…

He cant help but to notice, as he can feel her present emotion so thick… Almost suffocating him as he shifts, sitting with the discomfort of her very real and undeniably raw sense of feeling, hanging in the room, like heavy drapes on big glass windows built on the front side of an enormous estate… The kind you drive by as a child, riding in the back seat of your parents car as a child… Thinking it must be like a museum inside… Intimidating in thoughts of being homelike… And not too comfortable either… But you still have wild, childlike fantasies of what it must be like… To be a part of a family that lives in one of those enormous, fancy and unrealistic estates that are actually considered a real ‘home’ to some people…

She was real…

And she was raw…

Always so open, like a book or a magazine…

He often wished he could communicate his life like she could… So open… So real… Captivating others like he has seen her do… More than a time or two…

“I cant explain it… I just pick up my pen and I let everything else go… I brush all the dirt from my mind… The tragic loss and deep pain too… I let go… And I just write… Its as if my soul is speaking… Yes, my soul, it is as if it’s dancing across the paper with words as its partner… Except its my prose that renders itself across the paper… And I don’t even know what I’m writing at the moment of first transcription… I truly don’t” she trails off, rather shyly…

He enjoys her shy smile as usual… Chosing not to interrupt her, as he most often does… hoping for a glance of her when shes feeling overly open and exposed… vulnerability is sweet on her and he likes it… more every time he witnesses it…

“Why now?” He asks, anticipating her response… Not having a clue what her answer could be… She is spectacular at presenting that moment revealing her element of surprise…

“Why now, after four, long, and may I say, four unbelievable years it has been for you… Since you wrote last… So, why, now… What is the significance of this time, right here, right now”, he asks her…

She is deep within her thought process… Deep in her deep mind… He can visibly see her soul at work… Pulling the perfect verbal response…

And after a few moments, she looks up to him and says, “Four years?”

“What is this ‘four years’ you keep pressing me about!?” She continues…

“Yes, I do believe, that I am ready, to speak on some things that my soul has been pushing for quite some time now…”

She pauses…

And she breathes deep…

Then with curious and lost eyes, she looks at him and says;

“But who are you? How do you speak to know so much on me! We’ve only just met!……”

***

I have some things to write about. And after all this, in due time, it is now… That I, finally come back up for air… To write about these things that I, have seen with my own eyes… Felt with my own hands… Heard with my own ears and tasted in everything that followed them…

I have thought.

It is time to speak.

…to be continued…

***

J.LeFever

Tryst Publication

2020

Black & Blue

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Black & Blue

The game we play

Goes back and forth

Of two people who

Make verbal stabs like daggers

Intent is only

To pierce the other

To make them bleed

To hurt, nothing else

Who have we become

We were never this way before

Once you loved me

And it was you that I adored

But now the days are different

We are black and blue today

Black when we hurt the other

Blue when we cry and bruise

This game is cruel and ugly

Its intent is to stab, burn and use

-J. Lefever

(12/11/13)

***

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

The Wrong Pleasure

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The Wrong Pleasure
 
Drapped in the dark
I hide from you
Mimicking my sorrow
Do my feelings
Penetrate you
Inside I am burning
I have so much I need to say
But I am exhausted from the task
Of pleasing you each day
 
Don’t you see
That my smile is fake
It hasn’t been sincere
For many moons we’ve seen
There is a reason
I keep on going
My heart loves
It keeps on showing
But my emotion is wrong
Don’t watch my loathing
 
Forgive me while I ponder
Something doesn’t quite measure
I’m being poisoned by
The wrong kind of pleasure
I have taken it in
Absorbed it into my heart
Fighting this catalyst
As my world falls apart
 
I sense your wicked charm
You really never fooled me
Feeding me a lifetime of harm
Did you think I couldn’t see
Trying to trick me
By your false devotion
Tasting on my lips
Your lethal potion
 
In a moment
I will waste no more time
I will break this curse
And take what is mine
I never fit the part
Of the cruelish girl indeed
I won’t fake my smile again
Find a new soul to bleed
 
~J. Lefever~
(04/24/13)
 
This is dark.. but real… read between the lines.. I am delivering a very powerful message here…
 
*****
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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Broken Bridges

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Broken Bridges

 

What we were

Can’t shake the feeling

What we’ve done

Our bridge is now broken

Silence now between us

Whispers words unspoken

It’s not us

Broken trust

Tainted lust

We stand

In the dust

Left far behind

Said too much

Bleeding

Can’t rewind

Bridge has fallen

Shaking as we

Walk across

Daring to find

Some Peace of mind

As we are

Left far behind

The ‘Us’ we once were

Trust we once shared

Too much to take

Does either of us even care?

 

~J. Lefever~

(04/23/13)

 

 

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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 

One Two Three

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One, Two, Three

 

I am a complicated spirit

Yet, I find in all my philosophy

I am more definable than most

I am not ordinary, or boring, or standard

I was built with many colors

I have things that can spark a flame

Resulting in an emotional fire

Yes, my deepest feeling can burn me badly

I feel things more intensely inside

I get quite lost and curious of

Those who don’t seem to feel at all

 

I can be a million smiles

The most joyous soul you see all day

This happiness is energy in me

Visible to those who come my way

 

But if my path, in the course of my day                  

Crosses with something that causes me pain

Inside it hits me like a million blades

Damaging my heart like a hurricane rain

 

Then there is the side, I keep tucked far away

The side that I protect from anyone but me

It’s sensitive and sweet, but dark and broken

It’s the side that I don’t let anyone see…

 

That, I feel, is my one, two, three

And even though the energy may shift

I understand the moments I experience

As I believe they are my virtuous gifts.

 

~ J. Lefever ~

(04/19/13)

*****

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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

 

 

 

Rewind

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Rewind

Defeat

I refuse to be taken down

A constant reminder

Of a past that

Is no longer mine

You

Are the only negative

Holding me back

You

Are the past that

Is my detour off track

My future has no likeness

Of what I’m leaving behind

Except being with you

You try to make me rewind

Why are you even here

Your motive is to enable me

To fall

You steal my happiness

You don’t see my success

At all

I thought things would be different

But you haven’t learned a thing

You tear me down each time

You don’t let me be me

The tragedy is

I still seek your approval and pride

Sadly, you

Make me feel like I should run and hide

I am worthy of happiness

I am good enough to be loved everyday

I do not need to keep defending myself

I am wonderful no matter what you say

~J. Lefever~

(04/21/13)

*****

Tryst Truth – Tragically, the ones we love the most, are the ones who hurt us the most. It is common for some people, even as adults, to seek the approval of our parents. (Statistically speaking, I read that 1 in every 10 people deals with issues regarding their parents, either emotional damage, or approval seeking… I also read that the numbers may be greater than that but there are a lot of people who don’t admit to these things, or pretend like they don’t exist)  Just to hear the words, “I am proud of you” has become such a clutch for me, personally. I feel like it will never happen for me… no matter what I do. A persons actions will tell you their level of investment in your life. With that said, it is very clear that I am only fooling myself… I am a forgiving, hopeful fool… Who is only fooling herself to believe things will ever be different…

As it breaks my heart to say these things… it is my reality… it is my life. There are things that I do not get in life. As long as I’m struggling, seeking the pride & approval of two people who in 31 years has never given me any kind of real, positive encouragement… I will never be truly happy. I am happy with myself today, so I need to stop believing that I need anyone’s approval to be happy… except my own.

*****
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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 

Carnival

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Carnival
 
The colors of the carnival
Danced in front of my eyes
Playing tricks
Magical tricks
Of the most wicked kind
 
Luring me into
The corners of the unknown
I take tiny steps
In fear of the moment
Questioning the intention of you
 
Life is a parade
Of my success & failures
On constant display
For all the world
To see… the parade of me
 
Or is it a stage show
With real words and moments
Acted out by me
Tears and music
All my sadness and joy
 
In this carnival
Of my life dancing before my eyes
My spark is momentarily gone
Busy with the pain I’ve been given
Distracted by the mistakes of my youth
 
Today I fell
Into the dirty water
I allowed myself to sink
To the bottom of nothing
Once again, I too feel like nothing
 
There are days
When I hate some things about life
Truth & realities
I question, Why
Reasons I hide
 
There are times
When I laugh at everything
All that I see
Is beautiful and kind
Reasons to be alive
 
And then the carnival
Comes back to town
With its tricks and shows of magic
Playing and toying with my mind
Making me live through
Moments not of my choice
Forcing my eyes to see things
So sad it steals my own voice
 
Who am I
But a heart given to you
You come along
With your poisons
And break me too
 
So much I
Would never have seen
If I never had you
In the carnival’s
Nightmarish-Dream
 
~J. Lefever~
(04/02/13)
 
*****
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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 

Still, I Am Nothing

Still, I Am Nothing ~ A Painful Piece of Reality

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Walk somewhere with me…

 

I pick up the sand

It runs through my fingers

Like time

The time I was there

Seems like someone elses life

Completely…

Certainly not mine

 

Who am I trying to be?

 

I’ll run with the horses

In the fields far away

This land is their playground

We just get in the way

Let me play

Just today

For a while

 

Where am I headed?

 

She said I was going

Nowhere

And that I was always

Quite the mess

A Hopeless waste of space

Running around this place

It was true, maybe

I don’t fit anywhere

 

Why do I try?

 

He told me in his words

That no matter what

I’d never succeed

I’ll never be good enough

Never will he be proud

I’m just no good

I’m just not smart

Why give me a chance

Or hope

When there is no hope for me

I’ll never be anyone

That he thinks I should be

 

Why do I still seek his approval?

 

Times like these

Is when I cry the most

Run the fastest

Hide the furthest away

From the world,

And the sunlight

From me and everything else

Trying to numb the

Pain inside

Of never being enough

Of anything

For my dad

 

Why am I not enough?

 

~ J. Lefever ~

This piece is a part of me that I’ve carried for years. My whole life, really.

I almost didn’t post it. I almost didn’t put the very last word in it.

This piece hurts. Bad. It’s how I’ve felt for years, and still to this day, no matter what I do, no matter how many battles I’ve finally found the strength to overcome, I am still not enough, not good enough, I am still nothing to my dad.

 

It breaks my heart.

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 

 

 

 

Unravel

Unravel

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Strange, some may say
Who knew it all along
Beautiful disaster, lost
In the water that falls from above

Decipher my riddles
I ask of you
I question my future
My spirit bleeds blue

Like water that’s not frozen
You feel inside my heart
Its yearning for reason
It’s broken us apart

Rattle my nerves
Tortured me senseless  
Vulnerable little voice
As reality captures a wish

Strange, I’m thinking now

Maybe I’ll come another day

Unravelling my conquest

I don’t even know what to say

 

~ J. Lefever ~

(02/19/13)

 

A little lost, running in circles…. you find me today..

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 

 

Fuck You ~ A Comparison Piece

Fuck You

A Comparison Piece on Love

Another take on Love, something that is not love at all, a misunderstanding.

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 When I

Think of the ways

Love is supposed to be

I realize

It’s not as beautiful

Not the way love should be

Your words

Cold, harsh, cruel

They slice through me

You throw words

That burn inside my heart

One after another

I sit here

Choking back

Tears and anger, this tears us apart

When did time

Bring us to this place

I cry alone, so you can’t see

The vulnerable

Sensitive and sadness

You have given to me

I wonder if

You find joy

In hurting me like this

As the words

Keep coming

Stabbing me senseless

Yet, here I sit

Crumbling alone

Allowing you to continue the madness

Your words hurt

Much more than a punch

Leaving permanent scars inside

You turn to me

Wondering why

So often I run and hide

~ J. Lefever ~

(02/17/13)

This piece was written about me, yes, once upon a time, I was in this very kind of situation. I am not the only one, who has been through this kind of misunderstood love. I think that many women can say, that they have stayed in a place too long. Knowing inside that their heart was breaking, that they were too good, too kind, too forgiving for being treated this way. There is no excuse for this kind of shit. Stand up tall, and say ‘fuck you’, knowing you deserve so much better than this.

This is not what love is, or what it looks like for me today. My love is the greatest love and has taught me so much. To have been through what is written above, has made me appreciate my marriage so much. I know the difference between ‘love’ and being ‘in-love’ and even deeper than that, being ‘in-love’ with the idea of being ‘in-love’.

Love cannot be forced. It cannot be controlled. Your heart loves who it loves. But you can control your life, and your choices. Today, I make the choice to not have forced, misunderstood love. When the last thing I was looking for was love, that was when love came and found me… When it was ready to be found. Only then was I able to say that I have love, for real.

Reference my piece for Romantic Monday, YOU, to see what love is like for me today.

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication Speak