She Said…

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She Said…

She was leaving

She said it was time

She said she’d had enough

She said she had been blind

It was all in her hopes

And dreams, you see

That keep her going on

But the day finally came

Where she packed up and moved on…

She said she couldn’t believe

She said it was such a nightmare

She said reality felt so harsh

She said she didn’t belong anywhere…

She stopped doing the things she loved

She completely lost her self & way

She prayed for the sun to rise

She told herself she would be OK…

It was the toughest of times,

Yet, no one really knew

She lied for him, as she was told

And she lied to herself too…

She had been down the broken road

She said, Oh, So many times

She knew what it looked like

So, she could avoid it if it chose to arise…

But the blurriness of love

And all it’s taunting tricks…

Lead her down that broken road

Filled with heavy rocks and sharp sticks…

She said she knew better

That this could not happen again

She said she was a fool

She stood up to look within…

She Said…

She was leaving

She said it was time

She said she’d had enough

She wasn’t going to rewind.

***

JL.

Think.Speak.Tryst.

Change – Daily Reflection on Tryst – 10/21/13

Daily Reflection on Tryst

October 21, 2013

‘Change your thoughts, Change your world’ – Unknown

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Good Morning my favorite group of people!! How long has it been since I’ve written a Daily Reflection? It has been way too long!! Here is where I feel the need to explain myself in great detail, as to why I stopped writing Daily Reflections for you and for myself, and then follow that with an apology for my lack of motivation, lack of inspiration, for my laziness and for my disbelief in my self and thinking that no one really gives a shit about the things that I try to reflect upon, the things that I try to help myself (and others) with by expanding the mind a little, the thinking outside the box and trying to create healthy patterns amongst all of our necessary and unnecessary ones.

Well, I don’t really need to explain. Life just had me doing other things. My need to inspire and motivate both myself and others is still here, and the beauty of writing and blogging, is that I can pick up right where I left off.

I also don’t need to apologize because I have not done anything wrong. And nothing is more irritating or a waste of time than an empty apology. There is no reason to ever say ‘sorry’ unless you have justifiably done something that needs an apology before moving forward.

This is not one of those situations.

And what about my lack of inspiration, motivation or have I been lazy? Nope. I still have those things, I was just channeling them in other areas. And I am far from lazy. In fact, for those who know me, or keep in touch with me, know that I have about a million things going on … good things (my businesses & work), sad things (the trial) and fun things (my little hobbies & projects).

Today I choose to reflect on the fantastic quote I posted above. I am sure that many of you have heard that quote at one time or another. It is quite well-known and it is spoken by many who understand the meaning of it.

When you find yourself thinking negatively, about yourself, or others, or life, or the things you have, or the things you don’t have, or anything you can think of under the moon, then you will notice that most things about your day will also be negative.

Do you ever notice how much better you feel when you smile? Did you know that it takes more energy and more muscles in your face to frown? Did you know that wearing a smile actually reduces stress or stressful situations? Did you know that this is all based on the core of your frame of mind?

Well, now you do know!!

This is absolutely true!! When you change the way you think, and change it in a positive way, you will notice that life becomes less stressful, less painful and easier to deal with!!!

So, today, make a change in the way you are thinking about a situation. If there is something going on that you have been dreading, or avoiding or wishing you didn’t have to do, change your thoughts!! What will you gain from doing it? What can you learn? There is always something positive you can pull out of every single situation. So change your thinking and just do it!!

You can also try smiling today. If you work with people, smile at them. Notice that people smile back when someone is outwardly friendly to them. I smile a lot. People notice in my pictures and when I am at work. It always feels better to smile. But I also wear a frown sometimes, I am human after all, and so this reflection is for me, to remind myself that it is always better to smile through the hard times and to change my ‘stinking thinking’!!! That shitty ‘stinking thinking’ gets us no where!!!

Be the change … Be positive … Smile at the world today!!!

XO ~ Jen

*****

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

Miraculous Me

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Miraculous Me

 

In the break of the morning

A pause in the moment

My mind gathers its thoughts

And I realize my reality

 

I have come so far

From the deepest depths of despair

To the brightest shooting stars

Soul shinning with every step I take

 

Yes, this is all true

I can finally say I’ve done something

I can finally say that I am alive again

Living my life, through and through

 

I think of the battles

Of all the mountains I had to climb

Yesterday was to tougher than most

But I made it, I actually survived

 

I stand in my kitchen

Pouring coffee and making toast

The simplest of routine tasks

Render me quite grateful indeed

 

When you find yourself lost

Inside of your dark troubles

You forget to be thankful

For the little things most people take for granted

 

But miraculous me

Gives thanks for those things

For my battles and victories

For my life and for me…

 

~ J Lefever ~

(05/17/13)

 

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Daily Reflection on Tryst (05/08/13)

 

Daily Reflection (05/08/13)

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Emotional Neroticism

 

Life has brought us to the middle of the week again… and I am praying for Friday! Although I am having a decent week, within myself, that doesn’t mean the outside world and influences have been in sync with my joyful-happiness… yes… I said joyful-happiness because that’s my shit this week! I pretty much refuse to roll any other way.

 

Ah, so… Emotional Neroticism. This is something that plagues a lot of people who are going through the stages of grief. It can also plague those who suffer in any other way. From what, specifically? You name it! Emotions don’t discriminate! Being neurotic, you are kind of all over the place, a little self-centered in your own emotional issues, over-anxious and have a severe case of anxiety, hence, neroticism. Add ‘Emotional’ to the beginning of that, and you are a walking basket-case.

 

Ok. Listen. I am defining this term, because I kind of relate to it… maybe, kinda-sorta, a little bit.. HUH? What? Yea, so I own up to it. But what do I expect. This last year has been one hell of a bad year, and instead of moving forward with me, I have a family that is stuck on drama, trying’ to drag me down. It is stressful, hard to handle and a lot for one single girl in recovery.

 

With my attitude being on the high this week, meaning good, not under the influence… (very important NOT to confuse what I’m saying!!) I am paying ZERO attention to this ‘Emotional-baggage’ that any one who is close to me, feels like dumping on my lap or in my yard.

 

Um, that’s pretty much it.

 

If you want to run an emotional train on someone, don’t call me this week!!

 

I am taking time for myself, time away from the extra crap, and centering my chi … as much as my chi needs!!

 

I hope you all had a great day ~ Of course, I wish you all nothing but the very best!!

 

XOXO ~ Jen

 

Tryst Thought : There really never has been a time in my life where I’ve ever been boring, or dull… or ordinary, for that matter… I wonder, will there ever be a time when things start to settle down a little?

 

I am embracing change BIG time right now… And I feel one coming… I am ready for the next step…

 

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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

 

 

Daily Reflection on Tryst (05/06/13)

 

Daily Reflection (05/06/13)

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Bumps in the Road

 

Monday. Mid-day. I have frittata on the brain…. Seriously. I came across this frittata dish with carmalized cauliflower, creme’ fraiche’, paprika, and smoked mozz… of course with eggs and OMG!! My mouth is salivating, for real. Anyway… moving on…

 

How was everyone’s weekend? I sure hope it was great!! Mine was a day short, cause I worked 6 days this week, and yesterday, some classic family drama went down… never a dull moment, huh? I am not going to report the shit storm I went through yesterday, mostly because it’s so ridiculous this time, it’s not worthy of both my time and my words… Anyway… moving on…

 

Today, When I was driving to work, I hit a pot hole in the road. Clunk, clunk.. SHIT! I just got two new tires on my ride… Nothing was wiggling or vibrating, or felt abnormal, so I figured all was just fine. Just hit the pot hole, right? But isn’t that the story of my life? Aren’t I always falling in the pot holes?

 

This reminded me of that story, ‘There is a hole in the sidewalk’, or something like that… you can google it and probably find the story I’m talking about, it’s kinda been around… Or I’ll not be lazy and give you the LINK HERE!! OK! Now we are on the same page…

 

This little story has a really great message. Sometimes we make the same mistakes, even when we know that it can harm us, make things hard, difficult or painful. Yet, for some reason, some things in life are just harder lessons. Some things take falling down a few times before we learn to go the other way. We may repeat a mistake, but eventually, we learn to do the right thing for us. I hope you followed my link to the piece ‘There is a Hole in My Sidewalk’… this is a story that is used often in recovery. In regards to addiction, we fall down a lot before we finally chose the different road…

 

Today, think about the roads you have walked upon in life. How often have you fallen into a hole? How about a hole that you knew was there, yet you fall in it anyway?

 

We kick ourselves when we make foolish mistakes, saying, ‘WTF!! I totally knew better!!’ This is OK. It happens! As long as you hold yourself accountable for your actions & choices, instead of denying them. And if you ever apologize for something, know that if you are really sorry, you try not to do it again! That is the true meaning of being sorry.

 

I hope you all have a super day Tryst!!

 

XOXO ~ Jen

 

Tryst Thought : I know the part that hurts the most when it comes to what I am facing right now with the family… the fact that no one seems to hold themselves accountable for their part of things. I find it hard to wrap my head around the fact that some people really think they have done NO wrong, and even when they have someone standing in front of them, telling them how they have been hurtful, they still stand there and deny having any responsibility to their actions, basically telling me that my feelings are NOT valid… which is a very hurtful thing to say to someone.

 

Oh, and when words get put in my mouth that I NEVER said… that hurts too. I have made this statement before: Just because words come out of someone’s mouth, doesn’t make them true.

 

So, we fall into holes. Learn how to get out of the holes. Maybe fall in them again… but eventually, we get sick of falling and choose a different path.

 

XO

 

*****
 
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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

I am not your Puppet ~ Tryst Update

 
 
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I am not your puppet ~ Tryst Update
 
This evening is the end of a very long day. This evening wraps up a very long week. This week has been very very productive, I must say! I am sitting here, thinking about all that I got done this week, and I gotta pat myself on the back! Good job Jen! I was busy and organized and got all my responsibilities done! Good feeling to have, especially when you have a mountain of things in front of you… that I do… along with emotional roller-coasters, and psychological abuse from the fam… it is a lot to handle all at once!!
 
Sometimes there are personalities who are very strong. There are personalities who are very smart. The intelligent and the wise don’t always use their wisdom in the best of ways… sometimes, that wisdom is used to manipulate others. ((Note, a stupid person can’t really manipulate others… it takes a certain kind of mind, a certain level of intelligence to be able to do this)) ((Also note, most addicts do a lot of manipulating… addicts, contrast to popular stereo-type, can be very smart. So, we do have the knack, the ability, the mind power to manipulate others to get things, or to believe things, whatever))
 
I have done my share of this exercise. Manipulation. I am not proud of it. But because I have done it, because I have practiced it, because I have somewhat succeeded in it, because I have almost obtained a PhD in it… that means I can recognize when it is being done to me. Yep. I said it.
 
You know the saying, ‘You cannot bullshit a bullshitter’ ? It is common sense. You cannot fool a fool… you can’t manipulate a manipulator!! It just cannot be done!! Sure, you can try. Go on! Give it your best shot! But I guarantee that you will be caught, it won’t work, your little plan of trickery will not go through because you can’t pull one over on someone who knows how to do the very same thing.
 
I think I’ve made my point here…
 
What is my next point then…? It is obvious that I am going through some things… I mean, I have some ducks in a row… but they are not lined up in perfect unison, yet… I still have some hurdles and some work to do… but I still have a whole life in front of me. What about the ducks then? I have some good ducks and I have some ducks that may wander, or fall down, or go swimming in the pond when I didn’t say it was ok… ((HAHA, I have totally gotten off on this duck thing, but I have a point.. I promise))
 
What I’m trying to say, what I’ve said before, is that in life, nothing is ever fucking finished, perfect, happy ending… there is always going to be something you face, have to deal with, are working on, get forced into… whatever!! Some things are not your choice. Changes happen that you do not orchestrate. Those changes are fucking uncomfortable!! But, we have to deal with them.
 
Some of my ducks are crossed right now because I am not only grieving the loss of my brother, who was taken from my life last June, but since this tragedy took place, my family has just broken to pieces. As a result, I pretty much have been forgotten about. It’s almost as if Dave and I died at the same time. I could be invisible, and nothing would matter… this is a very painful reality for me right now.
 
I guess my evening ramblings here are to empty my mind of some things… Above, I say I’m not a puppet because I am the one who controls the things, the atmosphere, the people, and the activity in my life. I know that my family is hurting right now, with the loss of one of our four, but even though I am the sibling that is left, I am no one’s puppet. No one should be telling me what to do, or how to feel, or using manipulation to make me feel like my feelings are wrong. Not validating someone’s feelings is emotional abuse, and it is very painful, especially coming from a parent or a close loved one. The death of my brother is not an excuse I pull to write pieces or shed tears… it is the most painful thing I have ever felt inside of my heart. And sadly, what has come with it, is two parents who, don’t even know they are doing this but, ignore that I’m here, lash out, take their pain out on me, look at me like they are angry that I’m the one here… all kinds of shit that sucks… and then use manipulation to tell me that I am selfish for things, like when I get completely left out of important family events, things that are important enough for my mother to invite a friend… but not me, not her forgotten daughter… In their grief, they have abandon the one they have. Which I have been told by my therapist, is quite common. When a family, when two parents lose a child, sadly sometimes, they get so caught up in their sadness, they forget about the child that is still alive, or they over-compensate with someone else, like a daughter or son-in-law… never in a million did I think I would be in this place… never..
 
Distance.
 
I needed this rant tonight. I need the distance from this place. It is not good for me here. I don’t belong in this city. I will go one day… Yes, one day soon, I will go…
 
For now, I am still holding on…
 
J. Lefever
 

*****

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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
 
 

Already Me

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Already Me
 
With a strength
That surprises most
So I hold on
To my lonely beating
Soul, and listen as
The steps of the
Unknown
Grow closer to me
To the air I own, yet
Nothing owns me…
 
I have grown comfortable
In my skin
I am feeling content
As the woman I am
In tune with the
Rhythms of my body
The cycles of the
Pages of the
Chapters of my life
That is me, I
Own the strength that
Surprises me so…
 
Much like the river
Dances & flows with
Earth and all its changing
Essence, I too can dance
Like the best of them
Whimsical mysteries of
Spirits becoming
Women, in this thing
We call life
I tell my story
Piece by piece…
 
As the moments unfold
And time goes by
I realize that all I’ve ever searched for
Was right here, was me, it was always I…
 
Words can be thrown at me
To damage and to bruise
Using these tools to move forward
I refuse
To look in the back
My rear view of yesterday
Defeated me not
I stand to fight this very day
Pushing forward
On a quest to be
Everything I have been
All that is already me
 
~ J. Lefever ~
(03/21/13)
 
For strength.
For perseverance.
A feel good piece.
 
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Afternoon Reflection on Tryst (03/17/13)

Afternoon Reflection (03/17/13)

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Green Beer and Parades

 Hey there!! Is the world out celebrating the festivities of St. Patrick’s Day? Have you been pinched for not wearing green? Such a funny holiday really… A glorified day for all the non-drinkers, the amateur boozers to hit the sauce all day and make total asses of themselves. We have a great time here in KC on St. Paddy’s Day. The city shuts down, well, parts of it, roads get blocked off, we have parades, rides, food, green beer, glitter, face painting and sparkly shamrocks everywhere. It is a day of eating and drinking and I… I didn’t have any part of it today. Nope. I’ve had my share of green-booze induced St. Paddy’s Day’s throughout the years. Enough to say, I’m perfectly happy staying at home for this one. My husband and I picked up the house, did some food shopping at the market and made it home for me to reflect & write while he watched sports and fell asleep on the couch. No hangovers for us today! I’m glad we are passed that.

(Or am I? Maybe the parade would have been fun… but dealing with the drunk fest down-town… I’m not so sure. I guess I really have grown up, huh?)

Back in the Day.

I’m thinking of things of my past today. Regret mostly. Do you ever regret things? I know that in the cosmic realm of things, they say, we wouldn’t be who we are today if we hadn’t taken our path. Of course, this is true. It’s kind of dumb wisdom, right? I mean, we are who we are today. We are going to be who we are no matter what… kind of non-wise piece of wisdom.

But, wisdom it is, none the less. Regrets are kind of waste of time. If you are sitting there, wishing you knew back then, what ya did now, I mean, how productive is that really? We can;t go back in the past. We can’t change anything. We can only control our future. So, where is this going…

If there is anything that we feel regret for, the only way to make that regret something positive is to allow it to shape our future.

Don’t regret the past. Be who you want to be right now. That’s the most productive & positive thing you can do for yourself.

I hope everyone had a safe & fun St. Patrick’s Day!! Get the desire for green beer and green glitter out of your systems because tomorrow is Monday, and life goes back to normal… (for all the amateur boozers)

🙂

~ Jen

Tryst Thought: If we put as much energy into our hope & desires as we do into our worries & regrets, think about all the shit we can get done!!

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Reason to Shine

A Poetic Duet by Miss Hasty & Miss tryst

Two shinning souls with one heck of a deep connection…

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Reason to Shine

 I stopped to stare into the distance

Frozen in disbelief

Beauty reaching the endless sky

Like the softest song we sing

 

Draped in colors of indigo red

Vibrant through & through

Like someone threw their watercolors

Accenting my perfect view

 

The ocean waves dance into the sun

Creating their own harmonious song

Reflecting scenic rays of sunlight

A sparkling eternity of golden treasure

 

Sailboats flutter in sea breezes

Masts joining the musical dance

Spots of white dotting the horizon

Like eyes peering into the soul of me

 

The froth of the ocean’s clear coolness

Lapping up at the edges of this moving force

I hold on tight, to the wild reality

That has rendered me upon this vessel

 

Leaving behind the cruel dark nightmare

Riding off into your abstract view

Unable to explain even the simplest puzzles

Determined by the quest of coming alive

 

The calm serenity seeps into my bones

And my healing heart begins to rejoice

Natural grand majesty set before me

This sea of beauty created just for me

 

With a spark, an explosion right before my eyes

All things seemed to make perfect sense

Yesterday was a grand lesson learned

My future path will explain all the rest

 

I’ve learned to let things quietly go

Somethings were never meant to be mine

I walk on through, with space to grow

Finding new reasons to make my Soul Shine

 

Written by Hastywords & Think Speak Tryst

 

From our tender hearts to you, proof in print that somethings we let go of, to make room for something new.

Visit Hastywords by following the link provided… You won’t regret stopping by…

 

“Good things fall apart, so that better things can come together” – Marilyn Monroe

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

 

I Quite Literally Don’t Know ~ A Free Write on Tryst

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A Free Write ~

 As time passes on, I feel much better knowing that I keep moving forward. But then I think of how it has been said that history repeats itself. It’s kind of true… I mean, looking at the events of this world, society, people, leaders, mis-haps, movies, literature, war, religion, politics, cultural & world events, contests, performances, and so on… There is some repetitiveness in life as we know it. For the controversial subjects as war, religion and politics, I pass on getting deep into those at this moment. But for other things, as much as we say we learn, move forward, forgive, what not… As much as we say that we don’t repeat the same mistake twice, because we’ve learned from our past, how does history still have a way of repeating itself?

Once I fall, for whatever the reason may be, I learn, gather my new wisdom’s, get the fuck back up, and go on with m life. I say, well I’ll never do that again, and for most things, that is true. Where I seem to have some noticeable repetition is in the more sensitive matters, like matters of the heart. Is it that those are just harder to change? Harder to adjust to? Do matters of the heart, that are not good for us, or me I should say, seem to be such a difficult challenge and almost impossible for me to change? I’m speaking in reference to relationships. Relationships of love, with a significant other. I’m not talking about friendships. That’s another free write, I suppose…

I have a history of not-so-good relationships. Funny, because it’s not like I can say, oh how un-lucky am I for not getting a great relationship every single time. I can’t say that because relationships are not pre-determined for us and selected, and handed to us at the appropriate times in our lives. No. We choose the one’s we decide to be with, calling us a couple, making a life together. Now, there is another flip to this coin, I say we choose our loves, but it’s really our hearts that do the growing of the fondness. This is true, but whether good or bad, we are in control of our lives, with having free will and all, so we also have the choice to end something, if it is not in our best interests. In some ways, we do have the power to control and choose, but in others, we don’t.

Healing from a broken heart hurts. No matter how good or bad the relationship. The ‘end’ of something is always hard. Why? Because it means change. And change is new, different, uncomfortable, and if it is a chosen change, we adjust easier, but if it’s a forced change, the road back to life seems much more a unomfortable pain in the ass. In my history of not-so-good relationships, I’m not sure why I chose the way I did, and why I rationalized things in my mind the way I did, but I imagine that it all was meant for something, some big lesson, or understanding that I may or may not ever understand. Why do some of us learn by much harder, massively emotional, even traumatic lessons, and others, float through life, untouched by the darknesses hands, unharmed by loves twist of pain, unaffected by the broken side of damage… and yet, some of us, get a heavy helping of these kind of experiences and realities.

So many questions I do have, all the time too. I am full of words tonight. I really sat down to write some kind of funny, or passionate fiction, but a free write is what happened. Isn’t life so unpredictable? As for a free write, love? Really Jen? Something so lovely, something we want, desire and crave all the same, yet, that very thing we want also comes with so much pain, heartache and with lies and deceit, broken promises… We will map out our entire futures when we have a new and exciting love. Falling in love is so much fun. Never entertaining the idea, the what-if, the fact of reality that this may not be the one forever. No, in the beginning we never think that. We fall in love, or fall in love with the idea of falling in love. If that is the case, then it’s not really love that has fallen, it is love that is forced, and in my experience, that kind of love is very bad for the soul.

We want what we want when we want it. Yes, I said that right. Read that sentence twice if you need to. It’s true, huh? One of life’s many paradoxes is just that. We want to be in control of everything, but we also want to have given the control to someone else. We look at the bad and the negative when we are down instead of looking at the happy, sweet, positive. We get stuck on one thing, fester in it, and make a huge deal out of it, when it was really very small and insignificant to begin with. We talk ourselves into things, using the magnificent powers of our minds, we can trick and fool ourselves into believing things that are utterly and completely ridiculous. Why all the unneccessary torture?

In quick conclusion to my free write here, if I’m picking apart my heart, soul and mind tonight, trying to learn something, just one thing about myself here, it’s that I believe that I… love people so much… that it’s very hard… for me to… let someone go. Especially if they have been close to me in the way of sharing love, time and our lives. I’ve always been very good to my friends and lovers. Yet I have never chosen to be with someone who is similar to me in that aspect. They say to treat others the way you wish to be treated. I have practiced this, and I continue to practice this to this day… yet, (shaking my head) I have such a painful past in the love department. My fault, yes. Other fault, kind of… but I had the choice to leave, or change, at any point. Why I stick around? It’s hard for me to go on, with the belief that someone is just hurtful, for no other reason, that to hurt another. I’ve psychologically broken these situations down, and I have made peace with my understandings of why people do some of the things they do…

I have today, all of this wisdom from relationships past, and I use the imprints of these memories to live today.

Love is, so confusing.

Love is something that I’ve written about my whole life, and yet, I still don’t understand it very much.

Love also changes, as we change.

Something to think about…

J. Lefever

Tryst Thought: Like the electric river that runs through the canyon, I have thoughts that are alive, running through the world of my very own mind.

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