Rewind

61f766584a7a14058d49dc67bb2e6430

Rewind

Defeat

I refuse to be taken down

A constant reminder

Of a past that

Is no longer mine

You

Are the only negative

Holding me back

You

Are the past that

Is my detour off track

My future has no likeness

Of what I’m leaving behind

Except being with you

You try to make me rewind

Why are you even here

Your motive is to enable me

To fall

You steal my happiness

You don’t see my success

At all

I thought things would be different

But you haven’t learned a thing

You tear me down each time

You don’t let me be me

The tragedy is

I still seek your approval and pride

Sadly, you

Make me feel like I should run and hide

I am worthy of happiness

I am good enough to be loved everyday

I do not need to keep defending myself

I am wonderful no matter what you say

~J. Lefever~

(04/21/13)

*****

Tryst Truth – Tragically, the ones we love the most, are the ones who hurt us the most. It is common for some people, even as adults, to seek the approval of our parents. (Statistically speaking, I read that 1 in every 10 people deals with issues regarding their parents, either emotional damage, or approval seeking… I also read that the numbers may be greater than that but there are a lot of people who don’t admit to these things, or pretend like they don’t exist)  Just to hear the words, “I am proud of you” has become such a clutch for me, personally. I feel like it will never happen for me… no matter what I do. A persons actions will tell you their level of investment in your life. With that said, it is very clear that I am only fooling myself… I am a forgiving, hopeful fool… Who is only fooling herself to believe things will ever be different…

As it breaks my heart to say these things… it is my reality… it is my life. There are things that I do not get in life. As long as I’m struggling, seeking the pride & approval of two people who in 31 years has never given me any kind of real, positive encouragement… I will never be truly happy. I am happy with myself today, so I need to stop believing that I need anyone’s approval to be happy… except my own.

*****
d8266f1b97542d4887528524ad95053c
 
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
Advertisements

Carnival

imagesCAAAJIF5
 
Carnival
 
The colors of the carnival
Danced in front of my eyes
Playing tricks
Magical tricks
Of the most wicked kind
 
Luring me into
The corners of the unknown
I take tiny steps
In fear of the moment
Questioning the intention of you
 
Life is a parade
Of my success & failures
On constant display
For all the world
To see… the parade of me
 
Or is it a stage show
With real words and moments
Acted out by me
Tears and music
All my sadness and joy
 
In this carnival
Of my life dancing before my eyes
My spark is momentarily gone
Busy with the pain I’ve been given
Distracted by the mistakes of my youth
 
Today I fell
Into the dirty water
I allowed myself to sink
To the bottom of nothing
Once again, I too feel like nothing
 
There are days
When I hate some things about life
Truth & realities
I question, Why
Reasons I hide
 
There are times
When I laugh at everything
All that I see
Is beautiful and kind
Reasons to be alive
 
And then the carnival
Comes back to town
With its tricks and shows of magic
Playing and toying with my mind
Making me live through
Moments not of my choice
Forcing my eyes to see things
So sad it steals my own voice
 
Who am I
But a heart given to you
You come along
With your poisons
And break me too
 
So much I
Would never have seen
If I never had you
In the carnival’s
Nightmarish-Dream
 
~J. Lefever~
(04/02/13)
 
*****
 imagesCAKJ9JNC
 
 
©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 

Float

imagesCA6RGIZL
 
Float
 
I want to be invisible, for now
Nothing for anyone to see
Moments & memories
My imprints of my past, gone
Like a feather floating in the breeze
A little piece of nothing important
Floating bye for no one to see
 
No one notices something that is
Nothing, when there is nothing
To see
 
I like the feeling of detachment
Rendering me in a calm state of mind
Awareness has slipped away with the wind
Swallow me world & make me invisible
Make me nothing for the world to see
 
 
Look at me, I’m not really here
I’m so empty today, you see
I float through the minutes of this day
Aware that I need not be
Anything important
I am nothing to see
 
I can go anywhere today
Be anywhere that I want to be
And still, not really be there
That’s what it feels like
When you feel like nothing
I am invisible
No one can see my sad heart
No one notices my tears that fall
Gently down to the ground
Landing in a soft pool of wetness
Representing a soul that is broken
No one notices my empty hands
Wanting to be held
Wanting to be safe and warm
Waiting to feel like I’m someone
 
Is it okay if I isolate today
What will it matter
If I just literally slip away
When I’m here, you don’t seem to listen
When I’m there, you don’t even see
It’s like I’m just imagining
My importance to you
So instead of pretending
I will just go
Don’t worry, my dear
You won’t notice a thing
Nothing will change when nothing goes
Away with me, with just me to be
I love you but you don’t even see
That I’m invisible to you
And it’s damaging me
 
I’ll float somewhere else
Where nothing else matters
 
~ J. Lefever ~
 
This piece was written in regards to… something inside… of me, or maybe someone else… either way, it is real and it is my sadness today…
Do you ever just want to float away?
 
 
imagesCA2A7ODU
 
 
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Still, I Am Nothing

Still, I Am Nothing ~ A Painful Piece of Reality

 ba6eaaf7c40a2edb4a9d261ec0fc799b

Walk somewhere with me…

 

I pick up the sand

It runs through my fingers

Like time

The time I was there

Seems like someone elses life

Completely…

Certainly not mine

 

Who am I trying to be?

 

I’ll run with the horses

In the fields far away

This land is their playground

We just get in the way

Let me play

Just today

For a while

 

Where am I headed?

 

She said I was going

Nowhere

And that I was always

Quite the mess

A Hopeless waste of space

Running around this place

It was true, maybe

I don’t fit anywhere

 

Why do I try?

 

He told me in his words

That no matter what

I’d never succeed

I’ll never be good enough

Never will he be proud

I’m just no good

I’m just not smart

Why give me a chance

Or hope

When there is no hope for me

I’ll never be anyone

That he thinks I should be

 

Why do I still seek his approval?

 

Times like these

Is when I cry the most

Run the fastest

Hide the furthest away

From the world,

And the sunlight

From me and everything else

Trying to numb the

Pain inside

Of never being enough

Of anything

For my dad

 

Why am I not enough?

 

~ J. Lefever ~

This piece is a part of me that I’ve carried for years. My whole life, really.

I almost didn’t post it. I almost didn’t put the very last word in it.

This piece hurts. Bad. It’s how I’ve felt for years, and still to this day, no matter what I do, no matter how many battles I’ve finally found the strength to overcome, I am still not enough, not good enough, I am still nothing to my dad.

 

It breaks my heart.

281615782919240430_12HQbrRm_b

 

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication