Life, Death, A Fool & Her Thoughts ~ Tryst Daily Reflection
This has been a hard year. I have been through it all, I have learned a lot. I have moved forward, not backwards, which I am deeply proud of, I have listened some and talked some, I have grown and gained experience and wisdom and most of all, I have survived, so far, the most terrible tragedy … that of losing my brother, my little brother and my life long best friend, who was shot and killed in the city one afternoon in June. Yes, I have had to adjust to living without him, adjust to him not being here to talk to anymore, adjust to having to watch my mom and dad grow older without him. I am still so lost when I search for him, search for answers and when the tears come rolling down my cheeks and frustration boils in my veins, I fall to my knees in desperation and defeat.
Then I get back up and keep breathing.
Then I get back up and keep living.
Someday I will join my brother, in the Heavens above … Someday I will get to see him again … just not today … just not today. My time here is not yet finished. I still have life to live and people to make memories & learn lessons with. It is not my time to go be with him … my life purpose has not been fulfilled.
Here I am, just that same girl, that grown woman who hurts and cries and laughs and smiles and bleeds like everyone else. Writing about all my life’s chapters, and selecting the ones that I think are suitable to share with the world. Judged or not, which I know I am, as it is so common for more people than not, people will watch, people will assume, people will point fingers, people will judge and people will blame another, and I am not excused from those people in some times of my life but I have learned that this is not healthy, productive or suitable of my character in any way. I don’t like to judge others. Probably because I have been in the spotlight, in the center of the circle, the one who gets judged upon many times in my life. So I take that, brush it off, and move on because those people who judge just don’t matter, and the ones who matter, are the ones who don’t judge.
How can anyone judge another’s life anyway? What gives anyone the right? No one knows a persons pain, no one knows a persons experiences, stories, dreams and nightmares and no one knows what it is like to walk in another’s shoes, no one could possibly know this at all. So, it is completely and utterly arrogant, ignorant and not justifiably true at all for another person to pass judgments based on the fact that they have absolutely no clue. It’s like speaking on a subject you know nothing about, yet you pretend that you know what you are speaking of. Maybe you fool some, only the foolish that is, but in all truth, only the wise, the people who rise above those who point fingers, are the ones who know that words are only words when spoken. Only the wise know not to put any value to them, making them anything else but what they are, and that is meaningless words spoken by a judgmental fool who knows nothing, and who will always remain the same, never moving forward due to their inability to see the foolishness of their thinking and behaving, thus preventing themselves from ever being taught any lessons of wisdom in which to move them forward and enlighten then upon their many many mistakes.
This is the life of a fool. This is the life of those who judge others. What gives them the right, as I first stated above … What gives anyone the right to say they know enough about another’s life in any way, to pass judgments based on their opinions?
They don’t have the right. Only if we give meaning or emotion to their words, do the things they say have meaning or hold value, and then we become a fool for listening and giving meaning to the things said by the foolish fool. If we brush them off, then like I said above, they are only empty words spoken by a foolish fool.
Either way, we are all foolish fools. In a matter of speaking, nothing is justifiable. Nothing makes sense. Life is unfair and we are all dealt the hand that we have no choice but to deal with. Some of us choose not to deal with their hand … while others fight their whole lives trying to find out why things are the way they are. Many things make us different … and many things make us exactly the same. We are all just clueless fools … searching for that which makes us grown and wise … searching for a feeling of security, in anything we do. But we are all still fools.
As I drove home from work this evening, I looked up to the sky, as I often do, and I saw a full moon hanging up in the sky. It was full, bright, and silver and its face was smiling. The face on the moon was full and smiling down upon us, upon the Humans of the world, as we all scurry about, screwing things up and making mistakes, as we all have one common bond … deep inside us all: we all want to feel a sense of security. Now, our kinds of security may differ, but we all want to feel that … secure … in whatever sense we personally seek. We all seek to find, feel and also give a certain sense of safety, of security. What is it that makes me feel safe … ? What does safety mean anyway … ? Are any of us ever really safe from anything … ? Are any of us ever really safe at all … ? Who can trust? Who is always honest? Who has never done wrong? Or hurt another? Whether by choice or by accident, who hasn’t screwed up? Who hasn’t had to ask for forgiveness? Who hasn’t had to give forgiveness? Who thinks that they have all the answers? There are actually people who believe that their way of thinking and behaving is always the righteous way. Really? What ignorance those people must have … to think such a thing. None of us know … we don’t know why things are the way they are, or what is going to happen tomorrow … Just like words can be only words, spoken by a fool, and the fool who listenes to them … so am I the fool who speaks empty words right now … ? And are you the fool who listenes … ? I know my heart is a good one, and my soul is tender and sensitive. So because I am not one to act out of cruelty or viciousness, what does that make me … ? A kind fool who speaks words with endless thoughts that never stop wondering … why … ?
Life is so unpredictable.
Nothing is promised.
We are all going to fall down.
And not all of us get back up.
But those who do…
Are the ones who pave the paths of wisdom
For the ones who play it safe and never take chances
For the ones who conform to society and who are always less wise as a result of that conformity…
The fallen become the strong
And the wise
And we are the ones who
Discover the truths of life
And who end up appreciating everything they have
Everything that their life has given them
And everything they have given others
As a result of their existence in this world
As a human being, just like everyone else.
I will continue to let my Soulshine upon the world … because that is one of the reasons I am here … to give to others and let others experience mine … my very own Soulshine.
Something to think about ~ Don’t avoid being the fool. We need that every once and a while. But instead of becoming the fool forever, gain a wisdom from your foolishness, and see what it teaches you.
XOXO ~ Jen
Imagine… At this point in your life, after every moment you have lived up to this very moment… if the child version of you walked in to the room and reached up to you, the adult you, to be picked up and put in your lap… looking at you, the little you, say five years old or so… what would you tell this tiny child? What would you say to your five year old, innocent self…?
…this question, this deep rooted, emotionally moving, moment of pivitol words to be spoken only to yourself, from you as an adult to you as a tiny, sweet and innocent child, was asked of me by a person I respect very much. When I close my eyes, and picture myself at five years old, and picture my five year old self looking at me now… it made my heart beat fast. I had tears in my eyes. It gave me the urge and desire to want to hold and hug this little girl… me. To look at my five year old self and say, ‘I’m so sorry sweet baby’, is only the beginning. Of course, I have thought about this. I have thought about this very hard. I was forever moved by this question and will use this little exercise from time to time to remind myself that underneath my skin, behind the eyes of me as a grown woman, was once the heart, mind and spirit of an innocent child that did not know any better. As we all start this way, young and small and unable to protect ourselves, then we grow up and in the more time we spend on this earth, how many times have we hurt ourselves? How many times have we forgotten to love ourselves? Or not protected ourselves? Or disapointed, shamed, scared or even lied to our very own selves…?
I would tell my little self to love myself in every single moment. I would say that if you don’t love your own heart, even one time, then it will be weak and in life you need a strong heart! Others cannot love you if you don’t love yourself. And if you don’t love yourself then it is impossible to give love and to receive love. I would tell my little self that I am very sorry for the times I hurt you and let you down. Learning in life, growing up I didn’t know everything and I never meant to hurt little you, but sometimes I did. Sometimes I forgot about little you and left you alone in the dark, or out in the cold rain. For all of those times when I didn’t know any better, I hope little me can forgive me…
It does take strength to forgive, little innocent me, so practice this virtue. I would tell little me to remember that I have always loved my tiny heart, my tiny self, and love is what has kept me, us, going. To love is the greatest thing, to be loved is truly priceless and always give to others what you would want for your own self. That is the magic of karma, and karma is always there, right behind you. I would tell little me that I’ve never given up and I never will. I’ll always be here, for me.
This is a very powerful image, for the mind and spirit. To anyone who reads this, imagine little you sitting on your lap… what would you say? After all the things you have been through, seen and survived so far .. is there anything important enough to tell your little self .. ?
© Think. Speak. Tryst Publication
For a lovely and beautiful poetic piece that goes brilliantly with this, visit Edward Hotspur’s site Lyrical Anarchy and read Time’s Fleeting Glances
Another beautiful soul that I have recently encountered in my life, you will find her words truly heart-warming, inspiring & will leave you with tears of joy as she is a brilliant example of Human Kind at its up-most Loving-kindness. She has become one of my favorite writers and I look forward to her posts daily!
Visit The Other Side of Ugly by following this link, and let your eyes fall upon the words of The Ugly In Me by following this link. Both of these pieces reminded me of what I was thinking when I wrote this piece above. I know that you will enjoy, and you will find that the writer is an angel herself … among us all … right here in this world.
On & On
What’s been going on
The world as I know it
Frustrating my every inch
Testing my very soul
The ways in which I
Do not understand reality
Are the pieces of
Who I used to be
Shaken like a falling bridge
I stand in the shadows
Stubborn to let you see
Any moment of my frailty
I will whisper my stories
To those who sit and listen
And you can all watch me
As I cry
Millions of tears, falling from me
As words pour from my heart
Deciphering why my hands are bleeding
In the absence of my brother
In the missing of certain love
In abandonment of some people
In the confusion of cruelty
In the misdirected chaos
In the useless negative energy
In communicating all the reasons why
I have no idea why
Some things in life just don’t make sense
There are no answers as to why
Watch me as I cry
Falling down in this moment of time
Begging to hear a beautiful song
As my life goes on and on
This is what’s been going on
~ J. Lefever
The January Journal.
January 1, 2013 –
With the start of anything, I’m always predicting how things will be in my mind. These are just some thought’s in January to put in my Tryst Journal… It’s the first day of the new year. Last year seems like a bad dream when I think about it. There was a lot of loss in my life last year. I have had to leave some things behind, someone who has always been a part of me. As I miss my brother more and more everyday, the time that goes by without him doesn’t get easier. I must accept that he is gone, or I will never move forward. This is a year of big change for me… there are a lot of things that I want to do. I know myself, though, I’m already getting overwhelmed by looking at everything as a whole, and not one thing at a time. If I were to set a New Years Resolution, it would be to break patterns, habits, and try new approaches to everything! Everything! It’s a ‘New’ year resolution for a reason… do something NEW!!
January 11, 2013 –
My day was frustrating and difficult. After the roller coaster of last year, I can say with much conviction that, there is some healing to be done and a mountain to climb. I am not at the bottom, however, but I have a long way to go. When the emotions of a family are all on the rocks, due to the tragic loss of one of its members, maintaining a rational attitude 100% of the time is unrealistic. I am learning about the stages of grief. Anger is the one that is the most difficult for me to accept. I am not an angry person, not at all. Maybe sensitive at times, fragile, gullible, yes many other things, but angry? No. I’m not the angry girl. So, when I feel this anger, I almost get angry that I’m angry. Here’s what’s going on… I am trying to stay calm and positive all the time, and this is not that difficult, but when I feel hurt or sad at the loss of my brother and that hurt and sadness turns to anger, aren’t I allowed to feel the pain and get the angry shit out?!?! My mom is going through this… My dad is much more passive and keeps things as internal as possible, as I believe is quite common for men, and then there is me. We are all just trying to do the very best we can, and sometimes a day comes along that is harder than the rest. It’s life, right? It’s dealing with loss, and grief, right? It’s not supposed to be easy…
January 17th, 2013 –
I am exploring myself this week. I have been writing a lot and sharing some pieces that are very personal, close, and dear to my heart. Pieces that I wrote last spring when I was on the inside. Wow, how the time is flying.. I have been learning of some new creative writing outlets and I’m excited to write a poetry duet with a blogging friend. These things are good for me, as I always feel up-lifted when I’m using my creative side.
January 18th, 2013 –
I have been, screaming on the inside, and numb and frozen on the outside. I feel a little trapped, in my routine, and it’s not a routine that makes my soul truly satisfied. So… what should I do…? Take the necessary steps towards what I want/need… but what are those steps..? I feel like I really don’t even know yet. This makes me claustrophobic, and restless. In my blog exploration, I found someone who wrote on this very subject, you can find her piece right here, in a well-rounded blog titled Passionwritting. Anyway, I did not have a good night last night. I spent some time thinking about what I need to do to move towards obtaining at least one of my goals… and I just ended up overwhelming myself! I need to alleviate some of this stress and anxiety! I checked with the City Events Calender on-line and got all kinds of information on upcoming events here in the city. I plan to busy myself with all kinds of things that are different, or out-side my normal box… I have to. I need a change. I’m screaming to get out…
…As January is nearing its end, and the first month of 2013 is already over… What have I done to honor my resolution?
Start eating healthier, cooking at home more, taking vitamins, getting regular sleep, maintaining balance between work and relaxing, and get into a yoga class! These are my January goals and main focus points! Get my health on.. ~J
October 3, 2012 ~ Thought of the Moment…
Listening to my gut. (also known as, intuition…) Often times, when I get that feeling in my gut and my intuition is trying to speak to me, I start an automatic debate in my head about what ever I’m feeling. I have a hard time going with my initial “feeling” because it’s just that, a “feeling”… it’s not tangible, not a fact, and I cannot prove it. I have learned that most times, my gut “feeling” tends to be right, not always, but more times than not. Yet, I still doubt, I still debate, I still sometimes, ignore. Today, I want to trust my gut “feelings”, my intuition, and listen to what it’s trying to tell me. Obviously, if my intuition sends me a message that possibly leads to something monumental, or even an emotional mini-drama, I’ll think before I act.. (knowing all actions have a reaction, and remind myself that intuition is not a proven fact, but a feeling, and wait for something tangible to pursue any action on the situation) So for the day, I will listen to my spirit, acknowledge my gut,
good or bad, and see what it tells me.
October 4, 2012 Goodbye Brick`
Built up like a towering wall, structure strong, a force to keep peace with
and not destroy… yet, one bad day, you find yourself throwing stones
with the emotional weather that is your storm
earth, wind, and water is and falls from the sky, weakening the Brick, the structure of it all…
Slowly you watch it fall.. Brick by brick
down to the ground, battered on your knees
brick scattered all around
Goodbye bricks that you’ve carried for so long
without this act of definition, there’d be no reason
for this song…
When it rains, I always want to be outside in it. I like to feel rain on my skin, soft, wet kisses from the sky… Sometimes when it rains, my soul feels real connected, to something outside of myself… If you just listen, what does the rain tell you… ? Rain is the sky crying, Rain is the Earth’s wine and Rain is warm comfort for soul pain… RAIN ~