ღ Heart Drops ღ

 
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Heart Drops
 
 
 Suck in a breath
I choke for air
My heart drops to the floor
 
***
There is rain all around
Thunder deafens my ears
I’m down on the floor
I’ve been down for years
 
***
I can’t feel my fingers
Legs don’t seem to work
Pointless to call for help
Take this pain, it hurts
 
***
Don’t know where to run
I’ve been running for so long
I Can’t see the sun
Nothing feels like love
 
***
Wind hits my face
Bitter cold dose of reality
Bad always comes in numbers
I pretend I’m somewhere else
 
***
Fighting for the kindness
Losing the battle everyday
Family is a four letter word
I’ve got no reason to stay
 
***
You finally win
My tears fall from my eyes
Broken heart drops to the floor
Never to beat, anymore
 
~J. Lefever~
(05/09/13)
 
*****
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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
 
 
 

The Devil’s Room

The Devil’s Room

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There is nothing to say about now

I am in the dark again

My body shakes

I am afraid

 

I swore I would never

Visit the devil again

But I did

And now he won’t let me go

 

With his cold hands on my wrists

A strength of which

I am too weak to pull away

So I cry as he holds me in his presence

 

Far far away

For anyone alive to hear my cries

I am silenced by defeat

It is here, I will die

 

Comfort and warmth

Are a long, distant memory

Foreign to my current surroundings

Will I ever be home?

 

I belong to the world

But I’m tired of wandering

Years I have searched

I am ready to belong somewhere

 

Inside of the Devil’s room

Walls dripping with my fear

Echos of my past are screaming

Lyrics of which berate me deeply

 

My own sins brought me here

Weak along the way

My mission so completely unclear

Pride was stripped my his cold, dead grasp

 

The death of my spirit

Has yet to visit me

I fight to keep it away

I am surviving on my hopeful emotion

 

Trembling with angry energy

I break away from the Devils force

Pounding on the structure that entraps me

I stand to show I refuse to be taken

 

~J. Lefever~

Written on a day unknown

 

This is an older piece I wrote some years ago…

I found it in my journals… scribbled in pencil on the pages of my yesterday

I thought I’d share it to show the deep effects that addiction had on my spirit

Like being trapped, held down by a strength much stronger than me… With hope almost impossible to find… but… somewhere inside of me, the refusal to give up.

*****

sdgaerg

 
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

 

 

 

 

House of Blues

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House of Blues
 
Etched in the cobblestone streets
Were years of forgotten stories
Mine may be lost already
Lost in the nothingness we call
Yesterday
But forever I will remember this nothing
As I was everywhere the light touched, I
Became the night air
At night, you could hear the trumpets
On the streets of the surrounding place
Hopeful souls would come to hear
And get lost in the darkness of the Jazz
I sat at my window sill
On the nights they made their music
Never distracted by the other noises
Of life
Not when the Blues crept its way
Through the night air
To reach me, only me
Awaiting at my window
Underneath the star sprinkled sky
Midnight at its finest
The trumpets sang about my sadness
All the reasons my tears fell
All the way down, to the cobble stone streets
But that’s just how the music hits me
Right in the center of my soul
Tender notes and beautiful words
Penetrate my innocence
Reminding me how breakable I actually am
Telling me that no one dares to try
To understand, even see
The reasons why my tender heart bleeds
So I get lost inside the Blues
At night, with the trumpets
I become the Blues
Infinite sensitivity
My own melancholy madness
Music take me away
As my tears fall like rain
Tiny droplets, pieces of me
Cleansing my soul to the sound
Of painful music
As I sit and memorize
What it feels like inside
To be in The House of Blues
Without ever having entered it at all
 
♪  
 
~J. Lefever~
(04/19/13)
 
*****
 
 
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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

identify

identify

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If only one

word to tell

I watch you by

I, identify you

there, in the wake

of my eye

I’ll follow you

until time

is no more

defeated by you

once, you stand

at my door…

 

~J. Lefever~

(04/09/13)

 

I wrote this yesterday… these words came to me, somehow, as I drove down the street… I scribbled them onto a piece of paper, and I’ve been staring at them trying to decipher what they mean… why this chain of words came to me, in the midst of my day… yesterday…

 

********

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 

Fall to Stand

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Fall to Stand

Spoken once
Were words of glory
Of a time when
I stood up tall
Spoken then
In strength you saw
Cloaked in memories
Of the struggle along the way
Tearing through trauma
Pieces of my torn dreams
Pushing onward through to
The light on the other side
Yea, this is true
Every word I tell to you
I’ve stood up tall
After being at war with
Life’s challenges & influences

And I
I’ve fallen down low
Gotten lost in the dark
Made my way once again
To stand here with you
And speak from within
About the way
You choose to go
Your fate in your hands
Your Karma will know
A true person who
Is really awake & alive
Falls down & stands tall
Who will fight to survive

~ J. Lefever ~
(02/27/13)

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Silently Suffocating

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It is just one of those days where none of the pieces fit right…

It’s been a while since I’ve woken up to greet my day, and found myself in my bathroom with tears rolling down my face. The frustrating part of it is… I can’t really put my finger on why I feel like I’ve come undone…? I sat there, with the bathroom door closed, and just let myself cry. Mental confusion, yes, I seem to be all lost up in my mind. I miss my brother, that part of me that I’ve always had no matter what, is gone. The pain of that is too much sometimes. I live with a permanent hole in my heart, the part where my brother used to be…

Then I started questioning my happiness. I seem to be in this place where I feel like I’m not moving forward. I really dislike this place. I have written about the life of the ‘Standard American’ (I’d add its link but I really haven’t figured it out… I need not beat myself up about that, how dumb I feel…) and in that piece, like today, I feel the very same. I am not the nine to five. While I work this job and schedule with responsibility and accountability, still, it’s not me. I am wild and free in my soul, and right now, I’m trapped. I am trapped in this city and going nowhere. I feel tired and lethargic most of the time because I’m fighting this, using all my strength, pushing to get somewhere and I end up in the same place as before… I have gone nowhere. I have a mind full of dreams, things I want to do, things I want to create, places I want to see. And I’m not doing any of those things. I feel like I’m stuck… I am silently suffocating…

They call this being ‘in a rut’. Maybe so, but what confuses me is this; if I know what I want and I know what I need, then why am I stuck in this place, in this rut? I do know those things, what I need and want, but what is holding me back from moving forward? Am I afraid of defeat? Am I afraid of failure? Have I slipped back to a place of negative internal dialogue? I know that I’m my hardest critic, but when I look back at the last six months, I have moved forward quite a bit. My life has changed immensely with eleven months of sobriety and all of the wisdom’s and lessons learned from the inside. Then suddenly, I hit the wall again. And I find myself, lost, and my soul is silently suffocating…

Lost and lost, up in my mind… today I cannot seem to find, the answer I am looking for. It’s just one of those days where none of the pieces fit right. For years I have written about how this city has defeated me, how this city has been the catalyst of my own demise, how this city has streets like quicksand, how easily I have been stuck, lost, struck down, and beaten by this very place and all the complicated escalations of its society… and then, the light came. I could breathe again and I could feel my soul. The words of hope and prosperity poured out of me on to the pages of my books and on to the pieces written on this screen, and it all felt so good. I understand that everyday is not sunshine and roses, but those days are certainly better than days like this, where my heart hurts for someone who I will never get to see until my time here is done, where tears fall from my eyes first thing in the morning, and that is a very sad way to start the day. Where I know where I need to go, but I feel like I may never get there, or I really don’t know how… defeated. Deep inside I know that I’m stronger than this, but this humbles me because even the strong have days when this life can bring you to your knees. Today, I am on my knees… lost and lost… aching for my soul to shine… finding myself… stuck in this city, silently suffocating until I see the moon and I know this day is over.

~ Jen