ღ Heart Drops ღ

Posted by jenlefever on May 9, 2013

Heart Drops

ღ

Suck in a breath

I choke for air

My heart drops to the floor

***

There is rain all around

Thunder deafens my ears

I’m down on the floor

I’ve been down for years

***

I can’t feel my fingers

Legs don’t seem to work

Pointless to call for help

Take this pain, it hurts

***

Don’t know where to run

I’ve been running for so long

I Can’t see the sun

Nothing feels like love

***

Wind hits my face

Bitter cold dose of reality

Bad always comes in numbers

I pretend I’m somewhere else

***

Fighting for the kindness

Losing the battle everyday

Family is a four letter word

I’ve got no reason to stay

***

You finally win

My tears fall from my eyes

Broken heart drops to the floor

Never to beat, anymore

~J. Lefever~

(05/09/13)

*****

ღ

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Noise

Posted by jenlefever on May 4, 2013

Noise

Patter patter patter

Sound is unknown

Coming from somewhere

This place is not my home

Waking from a slumber

The land of my dreams

Subconscious mind is speaking

Inside my mind I scream

Open my eyes

Into the light of day

Room feeling foreign

Something safe I pray

Noises at my window

Water drops pattering upon

Will I walk into nothing

In the space I don’t belong

Time has stolen my innocence

Yet my hope it still remains

Without my internal faith

I’d go crazy insane

I carry this hope

My light inside my heart

Everywhere I go

Or else I’d fall apart

Tiny noise brings me back to life

Another day I will be brave

Never giving up on me

Eternal mission is to save

Even though I don’t belong

I feel like I don’t quite fit

I have this love inside my soul

For me, I’ll never quit

I am one among the world today

A true example of energy

Bound and determined to stand up tall

Do everything I need to save me…

~ J Lefever ~

(04/04/13)

*****

ღ

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

♥

Daily Reflection on Tryst (04/30/13)

Posted by jenlefever on April 30, 2013

Daily Reflection (04/30/13)

You & Your Negativity

Hello Tryst Family!! How does the day find you? Wonderful & warm in the sunshine.. I hope!! Things have been very productive for me lately. It is only Tuesday and I am getting so much done this week! I love that feeling of great accomplishment when you know that you, and only you, are responsible for the great things that are happening in your life. It’s a good feeling for sure!!

As for the other side of things, well, the trial that is coming up for the person who took my brother from me has been pushed back another few months. There was actually a court appearance last week, but my mother didn’t feel it was important enough to call and tell me. Instead she took her daughter-in-law and her friends to this hearing, while I, her actual daughter and sister to the victim, sat at home, unaware that this event took place. My mother is really good at making me feel like I am not a part of this family. So, as the story continues to go, I have to figure out what is the best for me in my life. I am just too important to myself to not have my best interests at heart.

While the tears do fall for the unknown reasons why my mother shuts me out, there are parts of me that feel like I’ll never be enough. I have written on this before. But then I think about my life… my actual life… all the things I’ve done and all the things I am doing… and I realize that it is truly my mothers loss. She is missing out on a fun person in her life, because I am full of that stuff I call soulshine! I am also the spark of positivity that floats around my family… even after all the blah and tragedy. I still try to stay up-beat.

Someone said to me, “Your mother should be proud of you for the incredible changes you have made! Your life is completely different!” Maybe this is true… but I can’t force my mother to think things. I am just not that powerful. She thinks what she wants and honestly… she is the most negative piece in my life. I do not have that angry, negative and mean energy from anyone else. As a result, as sad as this makes me, I have to eliminate the negative piece from my life. I just don’t want anything to do with it.

Not to mention this gloomy, down in the dumps shit, she throws my past in my face every time I see her! And frankly, I do not live in my past anymore. Not any part of my yesterday is currently my today. I don’t need to defend myself either. I have my integrity at the end of the day, and with each rising sun, I know that I don’t deserve to be put through the emotional roller-coaster she sends me on every other month.

I don’t deserve it. I am better than that.

My reflection today is on negativity. When you are a negative person, everything in your life sucks. You are blinded from anything good, even when it is staring you in the face! You wake up angry or mad, and everything is just terrible. You certainly don’t like to see people happy and enjoying their lives because there you are, in your rain puddle, complaining about your life and everyone else. Of course, the negative people never hold themselves accountable for why they are always in a crummy mood. It is always someone elses fault. What someone else did or didn’t do. When really, they clearly don’t see that to the rest of the world, they aren’t fooling anyone but themselves. To the rest of the world, we can see that they project their crummy negativity on to others, especially their family and loved ones, when they really need to look in the mirror and realize that they are negative and crummy and it is all their fault. It is not the world around them.

It is obvious that a person is negative when they literally ‘fish’ for things to complain about when they should be practicing gratitude for the things they do have. What makes me even more sad and ashamed of people who act like this is when these people ‘preach’ about the exact things they are NOT doing… like being kind, compassionate, supportive, and forgiving… just to name a few… and yes, this directly relates to my situation.

(Shaking my head)

Life is too short to waste living like this. And if you find yourself alone, you might ask yourself why… if it really is everyone else that is the problem, then why is it YOU are the ONE ALONE? Maybe it’s time to start practicing what you preach, instead of being negative and crummy and pointing a finger.

I hope to spread positive things and messages in my life. I don’t walk with the negative because, truthfully, I can’t stand it. And while it makes me sad to have to realize that even my mother is one of those terribly negative elements in my life, I choose to eliminate it because I refuse to put up with the put downs. I just won’t do it anymore.

Have a great day Tryst Fam!! If you encounter a negative person… run the other direction!! XOXO

~ Jen

Tryst Thought : As people, we suffer from addictions. Some are addicted to booze, others pills… some are addicted to sex, or shopping or gambling… but then there are some who are addicted to drama and pain. I believe that there are some people who just do not know how to live happy and enjoy their time. Instead, they spend their whole lives being miserable and making those who they are around miserable too.

I am so grateful that I have a heart and soul that is not hooked on drama and pain…

*****

ღ

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

When Things Die

Posted by jenlefever on April 23, 2013

When Things Die

I’m stubborn to admit

When things can’t be helped

I hold on to

The littlest piece of hope

When the words come

Crashing down like knives

Upon us & the ones we love

Looking at those moments

It pains me to think

That is what it looks like

When love is dying

Driving down the road

Tears burn my cheeks

I feel my heart beat

Like it is literally crying

Afraid to pick up the phone

To maybe prevent

Our love from dying

In times

I thought I had it all right

What creates something so good

Then escalates us into a fight

I can’t imagine

Not waking up next to you

What part of me will you take

Do I still have a part of you too

What is left to keep us trying

I have yet to quit

Even when I fear our love is dying

Millions of emotions

I woke to greet my day

Frustrated once again

I didn’t know what else to say

The feeling of failure

Burns so bad inside

I have broken myself down

Behind something fake is where I hide

To the world outside

Things are settled and fine

But here we are

Just trying to survive

The words we pierce

each other’s hearts with

Is too much to handle

So we say it’s time to quit

Are we fooling ourselves

Are we fooling our fate

Does the heart love for nothing

What does this love create

Have you given up for good

Have we broken us by lying

Is there light after this storm

Or is our love just dying

~J Lefever~

(04/23/13)

This is… a piece of me today…

*****

ღ

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

House of Blues

Posted by jenlefever on April 19, 2013

House of Blues ♪

Etched in the cobblestone streets

Were years of forgotten stories

Mine may be lost already

Lost in the nothingness we call

Yesterday

But forever I will remember this nothing

As I was everywhere the light touched, I

Became the night air

At night, you could hear the trumpets

On the streets of the surrounding place

Hopeful souls would come to hear

And get lost in the darkness of the Jazz

I sat at my window sill

On the nights they made their music

Never distracted by the other noises

Of life

Not when the Blues crept its way

Through the night air

To reach me, only me

Awaiting at my window

Underneath the star sprinkled sky

Midnight at its finest

The trumpets sang about my sadness

All the reasons my tears fell

All the way down, to the cobble stone streets

But that’s just how the music hits me

Right in the center of my soul

Tender notes and beautiful words

Penetrate my innocence

Reminding me how breakable I actually am

Telling me that no one dares to try

To understand, even see

The reasons why my tender heart bleeds

So I get lost inside the Blues

At night, with the trumpets

I become the Blues

Infinite sensitivity

My own melancholy madness

Music take me away

As my tears fall like rain

Tiny droplets, pieces of me

Cleansing my soul to the sound

Of painful music

As I sit and memorize

What it feels like inside

To be in The House of Blues

Without ever having entered it at all

♪

~J. Lefever~

(04/19/13)

*****

ღ

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Waiting

Posted by jenlefever on March 16, 2013

Waiting

Foot steps

In the hallway

Leading my

Curious mind

There I stood

Waiting, still

In the absence

Of which

You left me

Dare to take a step

Break the still

Of the night

Only, wait…

Foot steps

Vibrating closer

Here I hold

My heart in my

Hands, tiny hands

Tiny but mine

Waiting for

Something that

Feels right

This time

All the while

Waiting

Left waiting for you

In the cold

Of the Winter, as

I wait for me too…

~ J. Lefever ~

(03/16/13)

ღ

Daily Reflection on Trystღ (03/01/13)

Posted by jenlefever on March 1, 2013

Daily Reflection (03/01/13)

At War with What?

Friday.

It is Friday Tryst family. I’m sure you all know this. It’s one of those great days, favorite days, that visits us each week. Every week, we see a Friday. It comes along and we are happy that it is Friday, despite all the other things we’ve been battling all week, we find that it being Friday, is reason enough to be a little bit happy, happier, or put on a ‘Fuck yeah, it’s finally Friday’ smile and get through the day.

I hope all of you have the ‘Fuck yea it’s Friday’ smile on today. I hope you are wearing it big. I am battling things inside of myself, and it’s been very hard to smile this week. I seriously am not trying to publish a miserable, sad or depressing post here either. I like my reflections because I write them to bring us up, to bring me up and to help get another insight into the things that we think. So often, we get distracted by our own thought distortions, that we get lost in our minds and find that it is impossible, IMPOSSIBLE, to see the light on the other side! When this happens, we are using the mighty mighty power of our minds, creating these thoughts, and entertaining them to point of validation, which makes them real, which turns into actions, which turns into our habits, which becomes our lives, and before we know it, our life is half over and we are sitting there saying, ‘Oh my God, What the fuck, Where did my life go?’ or something like, ‘Where have I been my whole life?’ and things like, ‘Um, time flew out the fucking window because I didn’t live these last years, they lived me!!’

I don’t want my life to live me.

I want to live my life.

And not only that, I want to WANT the life I’m living. Sounds like it’s not too much to ask for, right? I mean, Saying that I want to want my life, and I want to be the one living it, sounds…. realistic….rational….achieveable. Sounds like something that needs to be my immediate project, if it’s not this way already.

I am fighting a war right now. I think that I’ve been losing it lately too. Thinking back to when I was a little girl, thinking of the thoughts that I had about what it would be like when I was all grown up… this was sadly not it. But the good news is this, I can still get where I want to be. Nothing is over. Nothing is impossible. I have a lot of virtues, a lot of things to be grateful for, some things that are an advantage, all of which I won’t get into in detail, but I know what they are and that’s the important part.

If you are facing a life crisis, at war with yourself or fighting to get back what was already yours, find your strong points. The things you do have, and find ways to use them, to utilize them in the bast ways to get to where want to be. This is using your resources to your advantage.

You can always count on yourself. So fighting to live the life that makes YOU the most happy is the most important, one of the most important at least, battles you will ever face.

I am at war right now. With a handful of things. But I know that I should be chasing my happiness as much as I chased my high. If I am not living a happy life, doing the things that I’ve always wanted to do, fighting to reach my biggest dreams & goals, then what’s the point? What’s even the point to getting up each day?

When you’re standing at the crossroads of your life, why not choose to take the road that is bright, colorful & happy?

So, in real life, you fight to live your life, and want the life you’re living.

I hope you all have a great Friday Tryst friends, and I hope you got my thought process here, and I didn’t bring you down. Just a little power pushing in the right direction, that’s all… Pointing out that life is worth making out of it, exactly what we want!!

~ Jen

Tryst Thought: Our truest truths lie deep within our own souls. Seek within for answers to our biggest questions…

ღ

Nothing, I…

Posted by jenlefever on February 22, 2013

Nothing, I…

This is a piece about a great loss… The loss of a someone… The loss of a soul

Underneath

This air

I’m standing

Alone

Arms stretched out

Reaching into the nothingness

hoping to find

Something to hold my hand

What is this

Place I have rendered

Myself in

Unable to turn back

Find my way home

Where is home anyway?

Unable to explain

The place I’m in

Unable to find a reason

To smile

What has happened to my soul?

Answers I need

So desperately

Yet I can’t find

Unhappiness has me

Paralyzed, Loss has me

Stuck, in this

Thick atmosphere

A space of nothingness

Nothing here

Nothing for me

Nothing to hope for

Nothing to find

Nothingness is me

I am nothing, I…

~ J. Lefever ~

Written when I was a little lost.

We all have moments when nothing seems to feel quite right.

As I struggle to stand up, facing the reality of my life’s greatest loss.

I lost my little brother, and some days, nothing feels right….

ღ

Angry Clouds

Posted by jenlefever on January 27, 2013

My dear, sweet friend was having a bit of a bum day, yesterday. So we connected with each other and wrote this Poetic Duet. Hastywords is a lovely & beautifully talented writer who is quickly becoming a part of my heart! You can find her work by following the links provided.