Patter patter patter
Sound is unknown
Coming from somewhere
This place is not my home
Waking from a slumber
The land of my dreams
Subconscious mind is speaking
Inside my mind I scream
Open my eyes
Into the light of day
Room feeling foreign
Something safe I pray
Noises at my window
Water drops pattering upon
Will I walk into nothing
In the space I don’t belong
Time has stolen my innocence
Yet my hope it still remains
Without my internal faith
I’d go crazy insane
I carry this hope
My light inside my heart
Everywhere I go
Or else I’d fall apart
Tiny noise brings me back to life
Another day I will be brave
Never giving up on me
Eternal mission is to save
Even though I don’t belong
I feel like I don’t quite fit
I have this love inside my soul
For me, I’ll never quit
I am one among the world today
A true example of energy
Bound and determined to stand up tall
Do everything I need to save me…
~ J Lefever ~
Daily Reflection (04/30/13)
You & Your Negativity
Hello Tryst Family!! How does the day find you? Wonderful & warm in the sunshine.. I hope!! Things have been very productive for me lately. It is only Tuesday and I am getting so much done this week! I love that feeling of great accomplishment when you know that you, and only you, are responsible for the great things that are happening in your life. It’s a good feeling for sure!!
As for the other side of things, well, the trial that is coming up for the person who took my brother from me has been pushed back another few months. There was actually a court appearance last week, but my mother didn’t feel it was important enough to call and tell me. Instead she took her daughter-in-law and her friends to this hearing, while I, her actual daughter and sister to the victim, sat at home, unaware that this event took place. My mother is really good at making me feel like I am not a part of this family. So, as the story continues to go, I have to figure out what is the best for me in my life. I am just too important to myself to not have my best interests at heart.
While the tears do fall for the unknown reasons why my mother shuts me out, there are parts of me that feel like I’ll never be enough. I have written on this before. But then I think about my life… my actual life… all the things I’ve done and all the things I am doing… and I realize that it is truly my mothers loss. She is missing out on a fun person in her life, because I am full of that stuff I call soulshine! I am also the spark of positivity that floats around my family… even after all the blah and tragedy. I still try to stay up-beat.
Someone said to me, “Your mother should be proud of you for the incredible changes you have made! Your life is completely different!” Maybe this is true… but I can’t force my mother to think things. I am just not that powerful. She thinks what she wants and honestly… she is the most negative piece in my life. I do not have that angry, negative and mean energy from anyone else. As a result, as sad as this makes me, I have to eliminate the negative piece from my life. I just don’t want anything to do with it.
Not to mention this gloomy, down in the dumps shit, she throws my past in my face every time I see her! And frankly, I do not live in my past anymore. Not any part of my yesterday is currently my today. I don’t need to defend myself either. I have my integrity at the end of the day, and with each rising sun, I know that I don’t deserve to be put through the emotional roller-coaster she sends me on every other month.
I don’t deserve it. I am better than that.
My reflection today is on negativity. When you are a negative person, everything in your life sucks. You are blinded from anything good, even when it is staring you in the face! You wake up angry or mad, and everything is just terrible. You certainly don’t like to see people happy and enjoying their lives because there you are, in your rain puddle, complaining about your life and everyone else. Of course, the negative people never hold themselves accountable for why they are always in a crummy mood. It is always someone elses fault. What someone else did or didn’t do. When really, they clearly don’t see that to the rest of the world, they aren’t fooling anyone but themselves. To the rest of the world, we can see that they project their crummy negativity on to others, especially their family and loved ones, when they really need to look in the mirror and realize that they are negative and crummy and it is all their fault. It is not the world around them.
It is obvious that a person is negative when they literally ‘fish’ for things to complain about when they should be practicing gratitude for the things they do have. What makes me even more sad and ashamed of people who act like this is when these people ‘preach’ about the exact things they are NOT doing… like being kind, compassionate, supportive, and forgiving… just to name a few… and yes, this directly relates to my situation.
(Shaking my head)
Life is too short to waste living like this. And if you find yourself alone, you might ask yourself why… if it really is everyone else that is the problem, then why is it YOU are the ONE ALONE? Maybe it’s time to start practicing what you preach, instead of being negative and crummy and pointing a finger.
I hope to spread positive things and messages in my life. I don’t walk with the negative because, truthfully, I can’t stand it. And while it makes me sad to have to realize that even my mother is one of those terribly negative elements in my life, I choose to eliminate it because I refuse to put up with the put downs. I just won’t do it anymore.
Have a great day Tryst Fam!! If you encounter a negative person… run the other direction!! XOXO
Tryst Thought : As people, we suffer from addictions. Some are addicted to booze, others pills… some are addicted to sex, or shopping or gambling… but then there are some who are addicted to drama and pain. I believe that there are some people who just do not know how to live happy and enjoy their time. Instead, they spend their whole lives being miserable and making those who they are around miserable too.
I am so grateful that I have a heart and soul that is not hooked on drama and pain…
When Things Die
I’m stubborn to admit
When things can’t be helped
I hold on to
The littlest piece of hope
When the words come
Crashing down like knives
Upon us & the ones we love
Looking at those moments
It pains me to think
That is what it looks like
When love is dying
Driving down the road
Tears burn my cheeks
I feel my heart beat
Like it is literally crying
Afraid to pick up the phone
To maybe prevent
Our love from dying
I thought I had it all right
What creates something so good
Then escalates us into a fight
I can’t imagine
Not waking up next to you
What part of me will you take
Do I still have a part of you too
What is left to keep us trying
I have yet to quit
Even when I fear our love is dying
Millions of emotions
I woke to greet my day
Frustrated once again
I didn’t know what else to say
The feeling of failure
Burns so bad inside
I have broken myself down
Behind something fake is where I hide
To the world outside
Things are settled and fine
But here we are
Just trying to survive
The words we pierce
each other’s hearts with
Is too much to handle
So we say it’s time to quit
Are we fooling ourselves
Are we fooling our fate
Does the heart love for nothing
What does this love create
Have you given up for good
Have we broken us by lying
Is there light after this storm
Or is our love just dying
This is… a piece of me today…
Daily Reflection (03/01/13)
At War with What?
It is Friday Tryst family. I’m sure you all know this. It’s one of those great days, favorite days, that visits us each week. Every week, we see a Friday. It comes along and we are happy that it is Friday, despite all the other things we’ve been battling all week, we find that it being Friday, is reason enough to be a little bit happy, happier, or put on a ‘Fuck yeah, it’s finally Friday’ smile and get through the day.
I hope all of you have the ‘Fuck yea it’s Friday’ smile on today. I hope you are wearing it big. I am battling things inside of myself, and it’s been very hard to smile this week. I seriously am not trying to publish a miserable, sad or depressing post here either. I like my reflections because I write them to bring us up, to bring me up and to help get another insight into the things that we think. So often, we get distracted by our own thought distortions, that we get lost in our minds and find that it is impossible, IMPOSSIBLE, to see the light on the other side! When this happens, we are using the mighty mighty power of our minds, creating these thoughts, and entertaining them to point of validation, which makes them real, which turns into actions, which turns into our habits, which becomes our lives, and before we know it, our life is half over and we are sitting there saying, ‘Oh my God, What the fuck, Where did my life go?’ or something like, ‘Where have I been my whole life?’ and things like, ‘Um, time flew out the fucking window because I didn’t live these last years, they lived me!!’
I don’t want my life to live me.
I want to live my life.
And not only that, I want to WANT the life I’m living. Sounds like it’s not too much to ask for, right? I mean, Saying that I want to want my life, and I want to be the one living it, sounds…. realistic….rational….achieveable. Sounds like something that needs to be my immediate project, if it’s not this way already.
I am fighting a war right now. I think that I’ve been losing it lately too. Thinking back to when I was a little girl, thinking of the thoughts that I had about what it would be like when I was all grown up… this was sadly not it. But the good news is this, I can still get where I want to be. Nothing is over. Nothing is impossible. I have a lot of virtues, a lot of things to be grateful for, some things that are an advantage, all of which I won’t get into in detail, but I know what they are and that’s the important part.
If you are facing a life crisis, at war with yourself or fighting to get back what was already yours, find your strong points. The things you do have, and find ways to use them, to utilize them in the bast ways to get to where want to be. This is using your resources to your advantage.
You can always count on yourself. So fighting to live the life that makes YOU the most happy is the most important, one of the most important at least, battles you will ever face.
I am at war right now. With a handful of things. But I know that I should be chasing my happiness as much as I chased my high. If I am not living a happy life, doing the things that I’ve always wanted to do, fighting to reach my biggest dreams & goals, then what’s the point? What’s even the point to getting up each day?
When you’re standing at the crossroads of your life, why not choose to take the road that is bright, colorful & happy?
So, in real life, you fight to live your life, and want the life you’re living.
I hope you all have a great Friday Tryst friends, and I hope you got my thought process here, and I didn’t bring you down. Just a little power pushing in the right direction, that’s all… Pointing out that life is worth making out of it, exactly what we want!!
Tryst Thought: Our truest truths lie deep within our own souls. Seek within for answers to our biggest questions…
My dear, sweet friend was having a bit of a bum day, yesterday. So we connected with each other and wrote this Poetic Duet. Hastywords is a lovely & beautifully talented writer who is quickly becoming a part of my heart! You can find her work by following the links provided.
I sit angry in a cloud of fumes
Hatred trying to tempt me
Walking the hallways in my mind
Stirring up mischief with my memories
The darkness cloaks my heart
Shielding it from any kind of warmth & light
That which it needs, so desperately
A single, silent tear falls to the floor
A single wet spot left alone to dry
Without a home, exposed, and cold
It mimics the feelings I hide inside
That single tear calling for reason
Calling in the absence of the air
In the thickness of this emptiness
Familiar pain inside my soul
Is the catalyst for my tears
Anger subsides and I leave it alone
For another day, to re-visit
What am I aching for
Bleeding strength in all the wrong places
Without the anger, without the tears
The thick, heavy emptiness screams
Pushing me to the brink
Begging me for a reaction
Trying its damned best
To reignite a passion long-lost, long forgotten
A Poetic Duet
Written by Hastywords & Think. Speak. Tryst
Angry Clouds on Hastywords is HERE