ღ Heart Drops ღ

 
64797e235a0c591dcc0158964a921dc7
 
Heart Drops
 
 
 Suck in a breath
I choke for air
My heart drops to the floor
 
***
There is rain all around
Thunder deafens my ears
I’m down on the floor
I’ve been down for years
 
***
I can’t feel my fingers
Legs don’t seem to work
Pointless to call for help
Take this pain, it hurts
 
***
Don’t know where to run
I’ve been running for so long
I Can’t see the sun
Nothing feels like love
 
***
Wind hits my face
Bitter cold dose of reality
Bad always comes in numbers
I pretend I’m somewhere else
 
***
Fighting for the kindness
Losing the battle everyday
Family is a four letter word
I’ve got no reason to stay
 
***
You finally win
My tears fall from my eyes
Broken heart drops to the floor
Never to beat, anymore
 
~J. Lefever~
(05/09/13)
 
*****
imagesCA92RAD2
 
 
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
 
 
 
Advertisements

Noise

 

 912f919bf54e56f630be56fb506e3928

Noise

 

Patter patter patter

Sound is unknown

Coming from somewhere

This place is not my home

 

Waking from a slumber

The land of my dreams

Subconscious mind is speaking

Inside my mind I scream

 

Open my eyes

Into the light of day

Room feeling foreign

Something safe I pray

 

Noises at my window

Water drops pattering upon

Will I walk into nothing

In the space I don’t belong

 

Time has stolen my innocence

Yet my hope it still remains

Without my internal faith

I’d go crazy insane

 

I carry this hope

My light inside my heart

Everywhere I go

Or else I’d fall apart

 

Tiny noise brings me back to life

Another day I will be brave

Never giving up on me

Eternal mission is to save

 

Even though I don’t belong

I feel like I don’t quite fit

I have this love inside my soul

For me, I’ll never quit

 

I am one among the world today

A true example of energy

Bound and determined to stand up tall

Do everything I need to save me…

 

~ J Lefever ~

(04/04/13)

 

 

*****

 imagesCAJZ4VYS

 
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 

Daily Reflection on Tryst (04/30/13)

Daily Reflection (04/30/13)

4e2b254cc4800c28d63e8be46035e2f1

 

You & Your Negativity

 

Hello Tryst Family!! How does the day find you? Wonderful & warm in the sunshine.. I hope!! Things have been very productive for me lately. It is only Tuesday and I am getting so much done this week! I love that feeling of great accomplishment when you know that you, and only you, are responsible for the great things that are happening in your life. It’s a good feeling for sure!!

 

As for the other side of things, well, the trial that is coming up for the person who took my brother from me has been pushed back another few months. There was actually a court appearance last week, but my mother didn’t feel it was important enough to call and tell me. Instead she took her daughter-in-law and her friends to this hearing, while I, her actual daughter and sister to the victim, sat at home, unaware that this event took place. My mother is really good at making me feel like I am not a part of this family. So, as the story continues to go, I have to figure out what is the best for me in my life. I am just too important to myself to not have my best interests at heart.

 

While the tears do fall for the unknown reasons why my mother shuts me out, there are parts of me that feel like I’ll never be enough. I have written on this before. But then I think about my life… my actual life… all the things I’ve done and all the things I am doing… and I realize that it is truly my mothers loss. She is missing out on a fun person in her life, because I am full of that stuff I call soulshine! I am also the spark of positivity that floats around my family… even after all the blah and tragedy. I still try to stay up-beat.

 

Someone said to me, “Your mother should be proud of you for the incredible changes you have made! Your life is completely different!” Maybe this is true… but I can’t force my mother to think things. I am just not that powerful. She thinks what she wants and honestly… she is the most negative piece in my life. I do not have that angry, negative and mean energy from anyone else. As a result, as sad as this makes me, I have to eliminate the negative piece from my life. I just don’t want anything to do with it.

 

Not to mention this gloomy, down in the dumps shit, she throws my past in my face every time I see her! And frankly, I do not live in my past anymore. Not any part of my yesterday is currently my today. I don’t need to defend myself either. I have my integrity at the end of the day, and with each rising sun, I know that I don’t deserve to be put through the emotional roller-coaster she sends me on every other month.

 

I don’t deserve it. I am better than that.

 

My reflection today is on negativity. When you are a negative person, everything in your life sucks. You are blinded from anything good, even when it is staring you in the face! You wake up angry or mad, and everything is just terrible. You certainly don’t like to see people happy and enjoying their lives because there you are, in your rain puddle, complaining about your life and everyone else. Of course, the negative people never hold themselves accountable for why they are always in a crummy mood. It is always someone elses fault. What someone else did or didn’t do. When really, they clearly don’t see that to the rest of the world, they aren’t fooling anyone but themselves. To the rest of the world, we can see that they project their crummy negativity on to others, especially their family and loved ones, when they really need to look in the mirror and realize that they are negative and crummy and it is all their fault. It is not the world around them.

 

It is obvious that a person is negative when they literally ‘fish’ for things to complain about when they should be practicing gratitude for the things they do have. What makes me even more sad and ashamed of people who act like this is when these people ‘preach’ about the exact things they are NOT doing… like being kind, compassionate, supportive, and forgiving… just to name a few… and yes, this directly relates to my situation.

 

(Shaking my head)

 

Life is too short to waste living like this. And if you find yourself alone, you might ask yourself why… if it really is everyone else that is the problem, then why is it YOU are the ONE ALONE? Maybe it’s time to start practicing what you preach, instead of being negative and crummy and pointing a finger.

 

I hope to spread positive things and messages in my life. I don’t walk with the negative because, truthfully, I can’t stand it. And while it makes me sad to have to realize that even my mother is one of those terribly negative elements in my life, I choose to eliminate it because I refuse to put up with the put downs. I just won’t do it anymore.

 

Have a great day Tryst Fam!! If you encounter a negative person… run the other direction!! XOXO

 

~ Jen

 

Tryst Thought : As people, we suffer from addictions. Some are addicted to booze, others pills… some are addicted to sex, or shopping or gambling… but then there are some who are addicted to drama and pain. I believe that there are some people who just do not know how to live happy and enjoy their time. Instead, they spend their whole lives being miserable and making those who they are around miserable too.

 

I am so grateful that I have a heart and soul that is not hooked on drama and pain…

 

*****
 
4d094a1b8850773e99232aec76061b1c3
 
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 

When Things Die

When Things Die

120f7c2696f6116eaed9b9d6972fce46

 

I’m stubborn to admit

When things can’t be helped

I hold on to

The littlest piece of hope

When the words come

Crashing down like knives

Upon us & the ones we love

Looking at those moments

It pains me to think

That is what it looks like

When love is dying

 

Driving down the road

Tears burn my cheeks

I feel my heart beat

Like it is literally crying

Afraid to pick up the phone

To maybe prevent

Our love from dying

 

In times

I thought I had it all right

What creates something so good

Then escalates us into a fight

I can’t imagine

Not waking up next to you

What part of me will you take

Do I still have a part of you too

What is left to keep us trying

I have yet to quit

Even when I fear our love is dying

 

Millions of emotions

I woke to greet my day

Frustrated once again

I didn’t know what else to say

The feeling of failure

Burns so bad inside

I have broken myself down

Behind something fake is where I hide

To the world outside

Things are settled and fine

But here we are

Just trying to survive

The words we pierce

each other’s hearts with

Is too much to handle

So we say it’s time to quit

 

 

Are we fooling ourselves

Are we fooling our fate

Does the heart love for nothing

What does this love create

Have you given up for good

Have we broken us by lying

Is there light after this storm

Or is our love just dying

 

 

 

~J Lefever~

(04/23/13)

 

This is… a piece of me today…

*****

1b99e5c27923ac01563a4e08fe3e31d9

 
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 

House of Blues

e64e39a45999e0e6a2c67a795aed5a4f

House of Blues
 
Etched in the cobblestone streets
Were years of forgotten stories
Mine may be lost already
Lost in the nothingness we call
Yesterday
But forever I will remember this nothing
As I was everywhere the light touched, I
Became the night air
At night, you could hear the trumpets
On the streets of the surrounding place
Hopeful souls would come to hear
And get lost in the darkness of the Jazz
I sat at my window sill
On the nights they made their music
Never distracted by the other noises
Of life
Not when the Blues crept its way
Through the night air
To reach me, only me
Awaiting at my window
Underneath the star sprinkled sky
Midnight at its finest
The trumpets sang about my sadness
All the reasons my tears fell
All the way down, to the cobble stone streets
But that’s just how the music hits me
Right in the center of my soul
Tender notes and beautiful words
Penetrate my innocence
Reminding me how breakable I actually am
Telling me that no one dares to try
To understand, even see
The reasons why my tender heart bleeds
So I get lost inside the Blues
At night, with the trumpets
I become the Blues
Infinite sensitivity
My own melancholy madness
Music take me away
As my tears fall like rain
Tiny droplets, pieces of me
Cleansing my soul to the sound
Of painful music
As I sit and memorize
What it feels like inside
To be in The House of Blues
Without ever having entered it at all
 
♪  
 
~J. Lefever~
(04/19/13)
 
*****
 
 
 imagesCABQ13B8
 
 
©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Waiting

192c69e3dba27ad7d303ae0b9d09274e
Waiting
 
Foot steps
In the hallway
Leading my
Curious mind
There I stood
Waiting, still
In the absence
Of which
You left me
Dare to take a step
Break the still
Of the night
Only, wait…
Foot steps
Vibrating closer
Here I hold
My heart in my
Hands, tiny hands
Tiny but mine
Waiting for
Something that
Feels right
This time
All the while
Waiting
Left waiting for you
In the cold
Of the Winter, as
I wait for me too…
 
~ J. Lefever ~
(03/16/13)
imagesCAOPG20N
©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 

Daily Reflection on Trystღ (03/01/13)

Daily Reflection (03/01/13)

imagesCA4YY8BQ 

At War with What?

Friday.

It is Friday Tryst family. I’m sure you all know this. It’s one of those great days, favorite days, that visits us each week. Every week, we see a Friday. It comes along and we are happy that it is Friday, despite all the other things we’ve been battling all week, we find that it being Friday, is reason enough to be a little bit happy, happier, or put on a ‘Fuck yeah, it’s finally Friday’ smile and get through the day.

 

I hope all of you have the ‘Fuck yea it’s Friday’ smile on today. I hope you are wearing it big. I am battling things inside of myself, and it’s been very hard to smile this week. I seriously am not trying to publish a miserable, sad or depressing post here either. I like my reflections because I write them to bring us up, to bring me up and to help get another insight into the things that we think. So often, we get distracted by our own thought distortions, that we get lost in our minds and find that it is impossible, IMPOSSIBLE, to see the light on the other side! When this happens, we are using the mighty mighty power of our minds, creating these thoughts, and entertaining them to point of validation, which makes them real, which turns into actions, which turns into our habits, which becomes our lives, and before we know it, our life is half over and we are sitting there saying, ‘Oh my God, What the fuck, Where did my life go?’ or something like, ‘Where have I been my whole life?’ and things like, ‘Um, time flew out the fucking window because I didn’t live these last years, they lived me!!’

 

I don’t want my life to live me.

I want to live my life.

 

And not only that, I want to WANT the life I’m living. Sounds like it’s not too much to ask for, right? I mean, Saying that I want to want my life, and I want to be the one living it, sounds…. realistic….rational….achieveable. Sounds like something that needs to be my immediate project, if it’s not this way already.

 

I am fighting a war right now. I think that I’ve been losing it lately too. Thinking back to when I was a little girl, thinking of the thoughts that I had about what it would be like when I was all grown up… this was sadly not it. But the good news is this, I can still get where I want to be. Nothing is over. Nothing is impossible. I have a lot of virtues, a lot of things to be grateful for, some things that are an advantage, all of which I won’t get into in detail, but I know what they are and that’s the important part.

 

If you are facing a life crisis, at war with yourself or fighting to get back what was already yours, find your strong points. The things you do have, and find ways to use them, to utilize them in the bast ways to get to where want to be. This is using your resources to your advantage.

 

You can always count on yourself. So fighting to live the life that makes YOU the most happy is the most important, one of the most important at least, battles you will ever face.

 

I am at war right now. With a handful of things. But I know that I should be chasing my happiness as much as I chased my high. If I am not living a happy life, doing the things that I’ve always wanted to do, fighting to reach my biggest dreams & goals, then what’s the point? What’s even the point to getting up each day?

 

When you’re standing at the crossroads of your life, why not choose to take the road that is bright, colorful & happy?

So, in real life, you fight to live your life, and want the life you’re living.

 

I hope you all have a great Friday Tryst friends, and I hope you got my thought process here, and I didn’t bring you down. Just a little power pushing in the right direction, that’s all… Pointing out that life is worth making out of it, exactly what we want!!

 

~ Jen

 

Tryst Thought: Our truest truths lie deep within our own souls. Seek within for answers to our biggest questions…

 167829523583932813_VbTtb5rp_b

 
 
©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication