The Devil’s Room

The Devil’s Room

 

There is nothing to say about now

I am in the dark again

My body shakes

I am afraid

 

I swore I would never

Visit the devil again

But I did

And now he won’t let me go

 

With his cold hands on my wrists

A strength of which

I am too weak to pull away

So I cry as he holds me in his presence

 

Far far away

For anyone alive to hear my cries

I am silenced by defeat

It is here, I will die

 

Comfort and warmth

Are a long, distant memory

Foreign to my current surroundings

Will I ever be home?

 

I belong to the world

But I’m tired of wandering

Years I have searched

I am ready to belong somewhere

 

Inside of the Devil’s room

Walls dripping with my fear

Echos of my past are screaming

Lyrics of which berate me deeply

 

My own sins brought me here

Weak along the way

My mission so completely unclear

Pride was stripped my his cold, dead grasp

 

The death of my spirit

Has yet to visit me

I fight to keep it away

I am surviving on my hopeful emotion

 

Trembling with angry energy

I break away from the Devils force

Pounding on the structure that entraps me

I stand to show I refuse to be taken

 

~J. Lefever~

Written on a day unknown

 

This is an older piece I wrote some years ago…

I found it in my journals… scribbled in pencil on the pages of my yesterday

I thought I’d share it to show the deep effects that addiction had on my spirit

Like being trapped, held down by a strength much stronger than me… With hope almost impossible to find… but… somewhere inside of me, the refusal to give up.

*****

ღ

 

 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

 

 

 

 

House of Death

 

House of Death

 It was thick in the air

Telling me to see

Through the mist

Fear not to be

Luring into

A foreign place

Wearing red and

Black lace

Voice in a whisper

As not to scare

But to seduce

My innocence

Into its lair

The land of death

Never seen before

Corners of which

Light shuts its doors

Get on your knees

And crawl to me

Looking down

Don’t try to be

Leave your strength

And armour behind

This place is not

For anything virtuous

This house of death

Takes all miraculous

Pulling it out

Of your very own heart

Leaving behind

You falling apart

You may think

It is black or red

But the house of death

Is in your head

Visiting you

When you least expect

Stripping you bare

Of Self respect

It will accept your challenge

If you dare to run

It will leave you burning

Under the sun

Best if you not

Look death in the eye

If it toys with you

Keep on walking by

 

~ J. Lefever ~

(03/02/13)

 

ღ

 

 

 

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

 

Daily Reflection on Trystღ (02/16/13)

Daily Reflection (02/16/13)

 

Milestones

My First 365

 

Lazy Saturday morning, I hope you are all having! Hello Tryst! I’ve been up since 7am because I had to be here at work this morning for a half day. Not so bad, half day & all, but I’ll shamelessly admit that if I didn’t have this work to do, I would be at home having a lazy Saturday morning for sure!! Probably sleeping in a little, eventually I would roll out of bed and make some coffee or breakfast, and then curl up with my laptop to play in all my networks and do some writing… still in my P.J’s, of course!! (Now I’m just torturing myself!! I need to stop talking!!)

 

I enjoy working, really I do. But sometimes, only sometimes, I dream of what it would be like to be a stay at home wife. To be able to do whatever it is that pleases me because my hubby brings home plenty of bacon and I am blessed with the freedom to do whatever… I would probably have a series of fiction novels by now because I would write my heart out!! Among many other things, I would have the time to learn to play my guitar better, and I would have the time to paint more (I do oil & acrylic on canvas, abstract, and some charcoal.. but I don’t have much time, ever..) For any of you out there that have this life, I hope you appreciate it, because to most, it’s like a dream.. Yes, I sit here on Saturday morning, dreaming of what that would be like.. humm.. (My mind trails off for a few minutes..

 

This morning, my reflective thought is on milestones. I use this word because my dad sent it to me in a text not too long ago, saying, “That is a huge milestone Jen! Be proud. Yo Dad is proud of you. Love you!” -Dad.

 

Today marks the day of one full year of being clean!

I am very proud of myself! There was a time when I never thought this possible. There was a time when I thought there was no hope for me. There was a time when I was inches from giving up completely. There were many times when I thought my life was destroyed beyond repair. There was a time when I thought my spirit was so broken and dead that it would never come back to life. There was a time when I thought I would never smile again… I could go on & on, but I am aware of all of these times, so the milestone that this day marks, to me, is incredible, amazing, wonderful, miraculous and so much more!

 

Believing in yourself starts from within. We ALL have the power to fight for what we want inside, we just have to make the effort.

No one could do this for me. No one. I did this, and it feels great!!

 

There were people, I’m sure, who said there was no hope for me.. Well.. the best revenge against people like that, is a life well lived!! (That is an actual take on a quote, but I’m not sure who said those words, so I’m not takin credit for them, just using them b/c they are awesome words!!)

 

For the goal setters out there, reaching a milestone is a great feeling!!

Keep pushing towards your goals, and make sure that you honor your milestones along the way!! There are some fights in life that only we can battle ourselves. And in those battles, when we succeed and reach a milestone, the glory and celebration is all ours!!

 

I hope you all have a wonderful Saturday!! ~ Jen

 

Tryst Thought: There are moments in our lives when we are our own kind of Rock Stars!! In those moments, let yourself shine and be proud!! You worked hard for the limelight to be all on you!!

 

ღ

 

 

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

Dark Intimidation

Dark Intimidation

Thick, damp

It suffocates me

Covers every inch

Its hiding me

Scream into its silence, but

No one hears a word

Darkness so thick

It muffles my tiny sound

Making my way

As if I’m in a maze

The puzzle is it’s’ essence

It plays tricks on my mind

Luring me further & further
Down deep, to its very core
Obsessed by the challenge

I find myself again
Without steel, iron or blade, only

Armed with my soul

Intimidated shamefully

Yet I push on through

To find a glimmer of light

In the thickness of you

~ J. Lefever ~

(2012)

This piece was written last year… During a time when I was searching for my spirit…

ღ

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

A Woman Like This

 

 

A Woman Like This

 

 How can I

Let others inside

To see a person

I’ve tried to hide

I hide myself

Cause I really don’t know

Who I am at all

So where do I go

 

How can I

Allow anyone to know me

If even I

Don’t know who I stand to be

I’m a little girl

Who is incredibly lost

I’m a grown woman

Who has faithfully fought

To mold and shape

To be OK

Only to survive

Each coming day

 

But I hate myself

For being so weak

For losing my soul

For not practicing what I preach

 

How can I

Find myself again

In a world that I

Have indulged in sin

Who could love

A woman like this

To simply love myself

Is all I really wish

 

~~ J. Lefever ~~

(05/20/12)

 

Another piece of my vulnerable spirit, when addiction had ahold of me. When I was chained down, using substances to free my mind, I was only killing myself, and wasting my time.

Addiction really turns you into a person that you’re not… I’m so glad I stood up and fought. I would fight again, I’d fight for me any day, I would find my voice, I’d use my strength in every way… I will never give up, and surrender again, I will never create that emptiness within…

 ღ

 

Beautifully Broken

Beautifully Broken

 

 

 

Inside a shell

You can find me hiding

I hate myself

I’m alive, but lying

Some do say

As they look right at me

That I am fake

As they judge what they see

If you listen

To my timid voice

As I hide myself

I do this by choice

Because I’m so lost

And I hate what I know

The little bit of me

I chose not to show

For as long as I can remember

My secrets had to hide

Told not to be me

Told I have no pride

So inside a shell

Or behind a wall

I hide my all

To prevent my fall

As a child I wandered

Alone in my life

No place seemed to fit

Nothing felt right

So as I grew

I lost every bit of I

Now a grown woman

Identity lost in a high

Of that, you see

I found narcotic charms

Comfortably numb

With heroin in my arms

So to this day

Brought forth to you

I’m terrified to be seen

I remain hidden in all that I do

Cause if I come out

Of that shell I know

And don’t seem to fit

Behind my walls I go

I’ve been raised without a voice

Invisible, never spoken

Who am I really

Except beautifully broken

 

~~ J. Lefever ~~

 

(05/14/12)

ღ

 

 

Another piece from the ‘inside’. I was going through a lot of things… identity crisis, loneliness, homesickness… & some anger and denial. In all of this, I see these words I wrote… the darkness that I created in my own life, & I was the only one to blame. I was never broken, or needed to be fixed… I just forgot who I was for a while. I just was a little lost. I was terrified to talk about my addiction, the thought of being honest about it paralyzed me. I was incapable of admitting that I was weak, and couldn’t just stop. I hated the fact that the drug made me lose self control. It is an awful feeling not having control over something, not being able to say NO, or I QUIT!  I didn’t let anyone in on these things and as a result, I hit the bottom… but also at that bottom, did I find myself again and finally woke up.

 

 

 

Mirror Box

Mirror Box

ღ

 

Mirrors are like boxes

Holding the spirit you try to hide

If anyone could see

You hide your lack of pride

 

I am a shadow amongst the city

I am a shame to my own name

I hide so many parts of me

I hate being a part of this game

 

You don’t look at your own reflection

You won’t look yourself in the eye

You hate the woman standing there

Hatred so thick you don’t even cry

 

You don’t want to be

Anything you represent

You curse and spit at who you see

In the past and present

 

You run from your past

but the mirrors just follow

Shattering at your feet

Reminder of a soul that’s hollow

 

Mirrors are like boxes

That tell where you are going

If you hate your mirrors reflection

It’s your reflection’s darkness showing…

 

~~ J. Lefever ~~

(03/12/12)

 

Another piece on Addiction and what it was like for me. It’s truly amazing, once I faced the addiction and now live clean & sober, this person I used to write about, isn’t me at all… It’s good to see, to remember what Heroin did to me… I will never go back to that, I never want to NOT be me.

 

ღ

 

The Shadow of my Addict

This piece… is very intense. I wrote this sometime ago, trying to put into words what addiction feels like… to bring some kind of understanding to a person who is not suffering from this terrible disease. It is a craving of the mind, in which, we hate to love, and it loves to hate us. This is what heroin addiction was like for me.

The Shadow of my Addict

                                                                                                                              

                                                                                                                              

 

 Again & again

I fear what will come

Darkness, Desperate and Starving

For you to leave

Taunting me

Toying with my mind

You never stop

Until you own my soul

Frail and Vulnerable

You create out of me

Pulling my light out

I beg to be free

The way I hate you

Is unexplainable

From the pit of my heart

To the bottom of my soul

Yet I continue to give

And you never know

A day will come

I’ll give no more strength to you

You have beaten

You have battered

You have bruised me so bad

You are the wish I wish I never had

My spirit no longer wants

To belong to you

You fucked with me

Until I turned blue

You enjoy watching

The delicate seed

Fall at your feet

And tragically bleed

You are the curse

That no one needs

Yet the devoted addict

Continues to feed

~~ J. Lefever ~~

(02/28/12)

ღ

Queen of Darkness

 

Queen the Darkness

 

ღ

 

The night is cold

And through the darkness

The familiar feeling

I do not trust this

My one constant partner

The everyday friend

So she tells me

It’s Miss Heroin

She taunts me

& toys with my mind

She plays tricks

Until I am blind

She covers my heart

In darkness, in black

So I am desperate

For more smack

Once I’m controlled

Sold my soul to her game

Her manipulation works

And everyone else is to blame

I can’t see the truth

I’m covered in lies

Anything to protect her

Anything to get high

She is tricky & coy

A sneaky bitch

Don’t talk about her

I’ve been trained not to snitch

So I sit and realize

That it’s great the high

And so sadly I know

By her side I may die

She’s made me afraid

Of the world I see

Afraid of yours truly

Afraid of me

But the power she has

Is becoming yesterday’s news

When I woke up in prison

And made the choice to choose…

 

~~ J. Lefever ~~

(03/29/12)

 

This piece, tells such a story. I was at rock bottom, I was very fragile. I was so broken down the only way to go was up. So that’s what I did, I chose to fight. I did what I had to do to get my life back. I have written so much, on my struggles through addiction. I’ve spoken at meetings about the loss of personal power and finding the strength to pull through. Once I thought it was impossible… but now I’m living proof that once you make peace with your heart, and you believe that you are worth the journey,

light will shine again, and you will wake up feeling alive.

 

ღ

 

For more on Addiction & Recovery, Visit these wonderful sites ~

 

The She Chronicles

Challenging Addiction

themiracleisaroundthecorner

The 12th Stepper

Where My Hope Is Found

 

 

Moment of Choice

 

 

 

Moment of Choice

 

The day you decide

The moment you make the choice

You put into action

And you suddenly have a voice

 See I was not

Taken seriously

I did not represent

The real me

I could say this

And I could say that

But nothing was tangible

While I was on smack

So, once I chose

To sing a different song

Is when my voice

Finally felt it belong

I want the ‘Me’ back

I want to make shit mine

I have survived it all

I have even served some time

I was so blind

To the fact I had a choice

It took the loss of everything

For me to find my own voice

 

~~ J. Lefever ~~

(03/28/12)