In A Nut Shell ~ Tryst Update
Last weekend I posted a tweet that kinda made me laugh… I tweeted that I need to start writing things down! As in, making lists.. of things I want to do, need to do, have going on, and ideas that POP up in my head through out the course of the day. This made me laugh after I hit ‘tweet’ because, well, I am a writer!! I write ALL the freakin time!! How is it that I am forgetting things… ? What’s up with that?
In a nut-shell, I have been extremely busy. This has been a very good thing for my emotions and grieving (the loss of my brother), but it has been frustrating in other areas of my life.
In a nut-shell, I am NOT managing my time well! I have ongoing projects, things on the back burner, new things coming forward and millions of thoughts floating around in my head…
In a nut-shell, I really wish there were more minutes in the day… but then again, I’m glad there is not!! If I crammed any thing else into my already busy life, right now, I might lose it and go postal!!
… I am way behind in writing here, my Tryst Land has been seriously neglected!! I mean, I haven’t been doing even my Daily Reflections, and those I LOVE, because they really help to center my thoughts and feelings… I write them in hopes to help others, or maybe inspire, or heal, but they are really helpful to me and so when I don’t ‘reflect’ I feel like I’m ‘neglecting’ my spirit…
…I am behind in my book project and my manuscript… I have a poetry contest that I’ve been preparing for and have three hundred poems of mind to choose from, and have gotten NOWHERE in actually choosing!!
…My friendships, which mean the world to me, and most of which, my really good friends who don’t even live in KC, I have been meaning to pick up the phone and here I am… still needing to make my friendly ‘Jen-calls’ to my peeps… I miss my people!!
In a nut-shell, I am freakin busy!! I have a new business that just started and work on top of that… where am I going to find some more time? Better time management? Or even just some peace and freaking quiet? When will things be simple and calm?
Meanwhile, I have the one year date of my little brother’s death looming over my head… and words do those feeling absolutely ZERO justice…
This has been a Tryst Update. Brought to you by Jen, who is just a girl, trying to stay afloat, in a crazy, ever-changing world.
Mind in the Morning
Eyes not quite in focus
Try to find a reason
To make something of my day
But my mind in the morning
Is a blank canvas
Staring back at me
Asking why I ignore it
And why don’t I give it color
I prefer the blank canvas
Because other times
My mind in the morning
Is dripping with sadness
Of the pain
I visit in my dreams
O the things I’ve lost
The love that is confused
Personal dreams that sit idle
A life that is always in question
My mind in the morning
Can see what it wants
It knows what happiness looks like
And that happiness
Is far from here
Which is why
In the morning
Even when I am awake
I am not really awake at all
Just moving through the motions
Till the day I can go…
Patter patter patter
Sound is unknown
Coming from somewhere
This place is not my home
Waking from a slumber
The land of my dreams
Subconscious mind is speaking
Inside my mind I scream
Open my eyes
Into the light of day
Room feeling foreign
Something safe I pray
Noises at my window
Water drops pattering upon
Will I walk into nothing
In the space I don’t belong
Time has stolen my innocence
Yet my hope it still remains
Without my internal faith
I’d go crazy insane
I carry this hope
My light inside my heart
Everywhere I go
Or else I’d fall apart
Tiny noise brings me back to life
Another day I will be brave
Never giving up on me
Eternal mission is to save
Even though I don’t belong
I feel like I don’t quite fit
I have this love inside my soul
For me, I’ll never quit
I am one among the world today
A true example of energy
Bound and determined to stand up tall
Do everything I need to save me…
~ J Lefever ~
A Poetic Duet by A Shade of Pen & Think Speak Tryst
Dark green leaves
Falling from the trees
Kissing the lake
I see you in my dreams
I can feel you breathe
All the memories we had
Wrap around me and push me down
To the land we own
Into the palm of my hand
As we talk for hours
Love does not reprimand
Forgetting all the worries of the world
The entire universe ceases to exist
As my heart drums the beats for you
Daily Reflection (04/10/13)
Rain is falling on Wednesday… Rain falls hard from the sky today. I don’t know what it is about the rain, but it always makes me feel in touch with my artistic expressions. It makes me want to write all day, allowing my heart to speak, and my soul to spill out all of its words!! Instead, I have had a million errands to run today, with no umbrella, so needles to say… I am a little damp!! …I don’t mind…
My dreams were interrupted last night by the loud booming of thunder in the sky. As my eyes popped open, and I lay there, gathering my current state of mind, and other random dreaming thoughts, I decided to roll out of bed and go to the kitchen and make peanut butter & honey in a tortilla, which is so yummmm…
Rain was pattering my kitchen window hard and quiet strikes of lightning would flash across the sky, followed by the rumble of the thunder as I stood in my kitchen… thinking of things…
Sometimes, our thoughts visit us and they do us no good. Have you ever talked yourself into something that is much less than you thought? Have you ever made things a bigger deal in your head?
Don’t believe everything you think!!
In the past few weeks, I have had a lot going on… to say the least. It can be hard to maintain a balance in your life, when you are being pulled in so many directions. When you have to be so many places, there just isn’t enough time. Or when you need to do one thing in order to do another, yet, your time is pulling you away from it with another arising problem or obligation… I mean, phew!! I feel like a juggling act at the circus!! Like, lets see how much shit we can pile on top of Jen before she collapses!!
I also try to make time to eat, rest, read, and write (which has been seldom lately due to my ever so busy life) and to do something fun! It is important to make time for fun & laughter!! Laughter is the very best medicine, and very good for the soul!!
So, am I managing my time well? No. Not really. I could do better. I’m behind on my writing, on my reading, and my e-mails are piling up. I am working a full-time job on top of balancing my volunteer work and I am facing a murder trial next month for the person who killed my brother. (As if that isn’t enough stress… there is more…)
I know that we can’t get the answers to all these perplexing life boggles… but we can always reach out, for help or just to talk, and if you are like me, a proud proud person… it is OK to need a helping hand!! ((I sometimes fall because of my refusal to ask for help… I feel, too much pride to ask for such a thing and quite frankly, I don’t like the attention)) But this truth is foolish!! In reality, we are human. I am human. I am not perfect. I cannot get everything done all at once. And if I need a little help just to breathe or balance myself out, that is perfectly normal.
For the few things I left out of my BIG TO-DO LIST up there… it’s because they are a bit more private. But regardless, this woman has a lot going on in her busy life!! I am trying to make myself aware that I need to manage my time better, in order to get all my obligations done and goals met.
I hope the day finds you well!!
Where ever you are, open your eyes and look for something that is remarkable that you may not have noticed before…Trust me, there are things to see that you have not noticed before!! No moment is ordinary… find the remarkable…
Tryst Thought : Remember… Don’t believe everything you think!! Sometimes our minds can poison us a little… believe it or not!!
Flame on the Horizon ~ Tryst Fiction
I can’t tell you if we will ever go back there.
The events of last night will haunt us for years to come.
Dreams, reality and nightmares, it was everything.
I reached for his hand and we walked away from it all.
Leaving the red flame of the horizon far behind us.
A Lillie McFerrin Piece ~ Five Sentence Fiction
What it’s all about: Five Sentence Fiction is about packing a powerful punch in a tiny fist. Each week I will post a one word inspiration, then anyone wishing to participate will write a five sentence story based on the prompt word. The word does not have to appear in your five sentences, just use it for direction.
This week’s word: Flame
My Years at the Barre ~ True Tryst Story
My life as a dancer. (At the ballet barre)
When I was three, I put on my very first pair of ballet shoes. Yes, I had the cute tutu and tights and joined a class of about 20, tiny little girls, learning to point our toes and mostly stand in a straight line and look cute at the end of the season recital. At such a young age, my little heart began its true passion for dancing, and sparkly costumes, that continued for the next 15 years.
Through out my dancing career, I studied mostly tap & ballet, but went into other genres like lyrical, jazz & hip hop, during the later years. I travelled all over the country, competing and performing. I taught, student taught, for a couple of years when I was at the end of my years as a dancer, teaching those tiny little ballerinas that, many years ago, I once was.
I loved to dance. For so long, it was my whole life. I spent as much time dancing, rehearsing, performing & competing, if not more, than I did in school. I would watch my poise and posture, finger and arm placement as I practiced my foot work at the barre, ballet barre. I had big dreams. Plans to go to college and obtain a degree in the arts and possibly open a dance studio of my own. I did dream of dancing professionally, but I am very tall. At 6′, yes, I’m 6′ tall, my long legs looked lovely on stage, but I was as tall as most of the male dancers, sometimes taller. So, my dreams of being gracefully thrown into the air, were, to say the least, not likely to happen. I was just too tall.
I didn’t let this get me down, though. I kept dancing through my first two years of highschool. Until the day came when I got my drivers licence and I was suddenly thrown into a world of social events with the upper classmen that included keg parties, smoking weed and undeniably breaking my curfew and pissing my parents off. (I regret pissing my parents off still to this day. Oh, the things I would change if I could go back…)
I was 18 years old the last time I performed on stage. I was choreographing my own pieces by that time, and really loving being able to write the steps to my own numbers, practice them, pick music, and take to a competition with the hopes of winning trophies, metals and ribbons. My extracurricular activities of hanging out at all the dopest parties were starting to take a toll on my training as a dancer, and my last performance was not my best. I did not go out with a bang. My dancing had become a drag, not something I loved and looked forward to anymore. I didn’t have strong movements in that performance. I was sloppy. I had been doing it for 16 years, and I think I felt like it just wasn’t for me anymore. As my music ended, I took a bow and exited the stage. I took a silver metal in my category in that competition and havent danced since then.
That was 13 years ago. I haven’t danced in 13 years.
I still have all my costumes and shoes. My black & white wing tip tap shoes that were stellar in my Vegas shows still fit, as well as my soft pink satin toe shoes, with the ripped, worn satin, gently falling off the pointe and my worn ribbon laces that went up my ankles, shredded at the edges, they still fit too.
I put my toe shoes on the other day. I laced them up my legs and made the bold attempt to stand up on them, on pointe. To my surprise, it was like I never took them off. Granted, I’m sure my triple pirouette is a bit rusty… I dared not to even try. I did a single one instead and landed nicely, with good arm placement. I stood there for a minute, in my shoes and thought of my years as a dancer. Seemed like another life entirely. Was giving this up for keg stands and years of hangovers and bad habits worth it? Would I be the person I am today, if I had kept my toe shoes on and told the party invites to kiss my ass, I have better things to do with my time than get messed up at parties and make an idiot of myself. (Note: I could always handle the sauce pretty well, so I’m sure I didn’t make a compete idiot of myself… but I’m sure there were times that I did… happens to everyone, right?)
I think I’ll save the tap shoes for another day. Another day when I’m reminiscing of my past, and curious to see if I can still tap my ass of, like I once could. (I was like Ginger Rogers in my youth… looking for my Fred Astaire)
Evening Reflection (02/24/13)
Buenos Noches Tryst Familla!! It is bitter cold here!! Burr!! And just like that, in the blink of an eye, the weekend is over. Time goes by so fast, I mean, faster & faster everyday it seems!! I was out shopping for food yesterday afternoon and the cashier at the market looked at me and said, ‘Can you believe it is almost March!?’ I looked at her and shook my head. Seriously, where does the time go?
This really got me thinking… (Nah, me thinking? I know, I know, I’m always thinking… and stressing, for that matter… stressing more than thinking, so…) I guess I should say, this really got me stressing, stressing about my life!! I need to get some serious motivation here because time is slipping away, my life is getting further along every minute, and I’m not working hard enough on the things I have planned for myself. When I say this, it gets me depressed, and frustrated with myself, and to be honest, I’m in a really good mood tonight!! So, while I entertain these thoughts, I’ll push them to the side for now and think about realistic things. This means, not getting overwhelmed looking at the whole picture, but small steps that will get me to the place, and the things, I want for myself. Yep. Small steps, small goals… be realistic Jen…
Back to the slapping of the happiness. Have you ever heard the term ‘Slap happy?’ Well, it’s like when you are suddenly surged with this instantaneous burst of happy energy!! I got me some slap happy tonight!! It just came out of nowhere!! I got a boost of feel good and I’m smiling and my husband is looking at me like I did something bad!! (Ha-ha) Sometimes, when I drink wine, I get the slap happy, but that’s induced by the kind of buzz that is associated to wine. (Different kind of buzz compared to other kinds of alcohol, I think) Anyway, since I’m not sipping on a Chablis or Chardonnay right now, I conclude that I got a boost of natural slap happy!! And what’s so wrong with that? 🙂
Tonight, as the weekend ends, and I have thoughts swimming in my mind about the fast-moving pace of time, which is something we all have to live with, and something that none of us can stop, control or change, I;m slapped in the face with the reality that I’m not getting any younger. Obviously. And I have some serious unfinished business to attend to.
I saw a movie on TV earlier, something my husband was watching, about a crew who worked on a sail boat. Boats are a serious passion of mine. My grandpa was a Merchant Marine in WW2, and his love for boats was passed on to me. He had me at 2 years old, sitting on his lap, while he drove his boat around the big lake. I have loved boats ever since then. Well, I’ve sailed on the ocean, and this movie was another reminder of just how much I desire living on the ocean… and yes, having a beautiful boat!!
When you know what you want, you know what you need to do to get it. The way I see it is, I’m lucky to know what I want in my life. That’s half the battle right there!! There are people still trying to figure that out, trying to find what their heart desires. Well, I’m grateful to know my desires. I need to work harder on my motivation and doing what I need to get there. Indeed Jen…
Tonight I reflect on these things:
1. Slap happiness can come from other things, not just alcoholic beverages.
2. Time is slipping away, so get on it!
3. Knowing your hearts desires is half the battle.
4. Motivation is the only thing that will get me moving towards those desires!
5. Get on it! I’m not getting anywhere sitting on my ass talking about it…
I hope this slap of happiness doesn’t keep me up all night…
Have a great night Tryst Family!! ~ Jen