Daily Reflection on Tryst (05/08/13)

 

Daily Reflection (05/08/13)

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Emotional Neroticism

 

Life has brought us to the middle of the week again… and I am praying for Friday! Although I am having a decent week, within myself, that doesn’t mean the outside world and influences have been in sync with my joyful-happiness… yes… I said joyful-happiness because that’s my shit this week! I pretty much refuse to roll any other way.

 

Ah, so… Emotional Neroticism. This is something that plagues a lot of people who are going through the stages of grief. It can also plague those who suffer in any other way. From what, specifically? You name it! Emotions don’t discriminate! Being neurotic, you are kind of all over the place, a little self-centered in your own emotional issues, over-anxious and have a severe case of anxiety, hence, neroticism. Add ‘Emotional’ to the beginning of that, and you are a walking basket-case.

 

Ok. Listen. I am defining this term, because I kind of relate to it… maybe, kinda-sorta, a little bit.. HUH? What? Yea, so I own up to it. But what do I expect. This last year has been one hell of a bad year, and instead of moving forward with me, I have a family that is stuck on drama, trying’ to drag me down. It is stressful, hard to handle and a lot for one single girl in recovery.

 

With my attitude being on the high this week, meaning good, not under the influence… (very important NOT to confuse what I’m saying!!) I am paying ZERO attention to this ‘Emotional-baggage’ that any one who is close to me, feels like dumping on my lap or in my yard.

 

Um, that’s pretty much it.

 

If you want to run an emotional train on someone, don’t call me this week!!

 

I am taking time for myself, time away from the extra crap, and centering my chi … as much as my chi needs!!

 

I hope you all had a great day ~ Of course, I wish you all nothing but the very best!!

 

XOXO ~ Jen

 

Tryst Thought : There really never has been a time in my life where I’ve ever been boring, or dull… or ordinary, for that matter… I wonder, will there ever be a time when things start to settle down a little?

 

I am embracing change BIG time right now… And I feel one coming… I am ready for the next step…

 

*****
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I am not your Puppet ~ Tryst Update

 
 
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I am not your puppet ~ Tryst Update
 
This evening is the end of a very long day. This evening wraps up a very long week. This week has been very very productive, I must say! I am sitting here, thinking about all that I got done this week, and I gotta pat myself on the back! Good job Jen! I was busy and organized and got all my responsibilities done! Good feeling to have, especially when you have a mountain of things in front of you… that I do… along with emotional roller-coasters, and psychological abuse from the fam… it is a lot to handle all at once!!
 
Sometimes there are personalities who are very strong. There are personalities who are very smart. The intelligent and the wise don’t always use their wisdom in the best of ways… sometimes, that wisdom is used to manipulate others. ((Note, a stupid person can’t really manipulate others… it takes a certain kind of mind, a certain level of intelligence to be able to do this)) ((Also note, most addicts do a lot of manipulating… addicts, contrast to popular stereo-type, can be very smart. So, we do have the knack, the ability, the mind power to manipulate others to get things, or to believe things, whatever))
 
I have done my share of this exercise. Manipulation. I am not proud of it. But because I have done it, because I have practiced it, because I have somewhat succeeded in it, because I have almost obtained a PhD in it… that means I can recognize when it is being done to me. Yep. I said it.
 
You know the saying, ‘You cannot bullshit a bullshitter’ ? It is common sense. You cannot fool a fool… you can’t manipulate a manipulator!! It just cannot be done!! Sure, you can try. Go on! Give it your best shot! But I guarantee that you will be caught, it won’t work, your little plan of trickery will not go through because you can’t pull one over on someone who knows how to do the very same thing.
 
I think I’ve made my point here…
 
What is my next point then…? It is obvious that I am going through some things… I mean, I have some ducks in a row… but they are not lined up in perfect unison, yet… I still have some hurdles and some work to do… but I still have a whole life in front of me. What about the ducks then? I have some good ducks and I have some ducks that may wander, or fall down, or go swimming in the pond when I didn’t say it was ok… ((HAHA, I have totally gotten off on this duck thing, but I have a point.. I promise))
 
What I’m trying to say, what I’ve said before, is that in life, nothing is ever fucking finished, perfect, happy ending… there is always going to be something you face, have to deal with, are working on, get forced into… whatever!! Some things are not your choice. Changes happen that you do not orchestrate. Those changes are fucking uncomfortable!! But, we have to deal with them.
 
Some of my ducks are crossed right now because I am not only grieving the loss of my brother, who was taken from my life last June, but since this tragedy took place, my family has just broken to pieces. As a result, I pretty much have been forgotten about. It’s almost as if Dave and I died at the same time. I could be invisible, and nothing would matter… this is a very painful reality for me right now.
 
I guess my evening ramblings here are to empty my mind of some things… Above, I say I’m not a puppet because I am the one who controls the things, the atmosphere, the people, and the activity in my life. I know that my family is hurting right now, with the loss of one of our four, but even though I am the sibling that is left, I am no one’s puppet. No one should be telling me what to do, or how to feel, or using manipulation to make me feel like my feelings are wrong. Not validating someone’s feelings is emotional abuse, and it is very painful, especially coming from a parent or a close loved one. The death of my brother is not an excuse I pull to write pieces or shed tears… it is the most painful thing I have ever felt inside of my heart. And sadly, what has come with it, is two parents who, don’t even know they are doing this but, ignore that I’m here, lash out, take their pain out on me, look at me like they are angry that I’m the one here… all kinds of shit that sucks… and then use manipulation to tell me that I am selfish for things, like when I get completely left out of important family events, things that are important enough for my mother to invite a friend… but not me, not her forgotten daughter… In their grief, they have abandon the one they have. Which I have been told by my therapist, is quite common. When a family, when two parents lose a child, sadly sometimes, they get so caught up in their sadness, they forget about the child that is still alive, or they over-compensate with someone else, like a daughter or son-in-law… never in a million did I think I would be in this place… never..
 
Distance.
 
I needed this rant tonight. I need the distance from this place. It is not good for me here. I don’t belong in this city. I will go one day… Yes, one day soon, I will go…
 
For now, I am still holding on…
 
J. Lefever
 

*****

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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
 
 

The Devil’s Room

The Devil’s Room

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There is nothing to say about now

I am in the dark again

My body shakes

I am afraid

 

I swore I would never

Visit the devil again

But I did

And now he won’t let me go

 

With his cold hands on my wrists

A strength of which

I am too weak to pull away

So I cry as he holds me in his presence

 

Far far away

For anyone alive to hear my cries

I am silenced by defeat

It is here, I will die

 

Comfort and warmth

Are a long, distant memory

Foreign to my current surroundings

Will I ever be home?

 

I belong to the world

But I’m tired of wandering

Years I have searched

I am ready to belong somewhere

 

Inside of the Devil’s room

Walls dripping with my fear

Echos of my past are screaming

Lyrics of which berate me deeply

 

My own sins brought me here

Weak along the way

My mission so completely unclear

Pride was stripped my his cold, dead grasp

 

The death of my spirit

Has yet to visit me

I fight to keep it away

I am surviving on my hopeful emotion

 

Trembling with angry energy

I break away from the Devils force

Pounding on the structure that entraps me

I stand to show I refuse to be taken

 

~J. Lefever~

Written on a day unknown

 

This is an older piece I wrote some years ago…

I found it in my journals… scribbled in pencil on the pages of my yesterday

I thought I’d share it to show the deep effects that addiction had on my spirit

Like being trapped, held down by a strength much stronger than me… With hope almost impossible to find… but… somewhere inside of me, the refusal to give up.

*****

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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

 

 

 

 

Life Circles

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Life Circles
 
Then came the day
When I said I had nothing left to say
Sadness had made quite the example out of me
I threw that shit to the door
I took out the trash
I cleaned up my heart
My mind & my soul
To see what was there, underneath all the grey
I finally saw me
 
I was vibrant again, running around the world
Telling everyone I’m here
To feed them nothing but my joy
The world was again, my shinning paradise
And I was alive to tell
 
Life takes me in circles
Round the madness like a maze
Taking with me the puzzles & the pain
Every emotion like the storms & the rain
Soaking up my sadness with sand on a beach
Leaving me here, with my lessons to teach
 
~J. Lefever~
Written sometime in March 2013
 
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A Momentary Lapse of Reason ~ Tryst Journal

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A Momentary Lapse of Reason ~ Tryst Journal

I’ve been told that our ‘Higher Powers’ don’t give us anything we can’t handle. I’ve been told that the strong ones, are the ones who are given the tougher things in life. Not saying anything about someone who has had a relatively easy life, and not fallen down too much. I’m quite envious of those people, in fact, I wish I was one of them. I think that they are the lucky ones.

 

I wonder, so much lately, what is really going on…? Am I this really shitty person, who has a soul that is just no good…? Because my life has taken me down some roads that were so tough, I am literally still working on going through them… getting past them with some kind of understanding as to why certain events had to take place… why my eyes had to fall witness on some things, things I wish I had never seen… and why can’t I just give up? What is it that makes me keep going everyday? Even when the days are so hard, hard even to get up and start, but I do, get up, and keep going.

 

What am I fighting for?

 

Today. Wow. Today was a tough day. I had some bumps at work, which is unusual. Work is always smooth, for the most part. But when these work related issues came up, I was actually really grateful for them because they were total distraction from my social life, which is where I’m tackling demons today.

 

You know how when something in life has emotional connections to it, it’s always 10X worse? When the heart is involved, it’s like, monumental!!! When I come across a social problem with a person with whom I have no emotional connection with, it’s like ‘Oh well, whatev’s…’ and I move on. Never losing any sleep over it. Not even a wink. So, when you have these emotions involved, they make all things worse, complicated and they make people, me, irrational, sometimes a neurotic mess, ignorant to the reality of things… yes, my emotions can get the best of me sometimes. Thing is, this rarely happens. I’m serious!! For a woman, I rarely lose it… I keep pretty good control of my ‘crazy-lunatic-female-hormones’ so it’s like when I do have a ‘moment’ of irrational-emotional-drama, I get so mad at myself for slipping off the edge. But, yea, there is a but, when I get pushed to my limit, pushed so far back that, after time, I swear, I just cannot keep my mouth shut anymore about the shit that’s been bothering me, don’t I have that right? Don’t I have the right to stand there and voice my concerns? Don’t I have the right to have feelings? And just because I so rarely come apart at the seams, that doesn’t mean that I am never, ever, allowed a momentary lapse of reason!?!

 

I feel apart at the seams today.

I really did.

I just let it all go…

Everything came out at once.

The things that I’ve been so silent about for so long, all had a tangible voice today.

 

I don’t really know what happened. I woke up this morning, like every other day. I came to work and dove into my commitments there. Next thing I knew, I was having a conversation, something was triggered, and all things went south. One thing led to another, and before I knew it, I was face to face with, someone, and I was just fallin’ apart.

 

These things happen when we keep ourselves bottled up. That is why I try to write. My lesson today is that, yes, even though i write, to cleanse my heart, mind and soul of things, I am still hiding. There are still things that I have no words for. Things that I have n answers for. And it all came down, to me, just a person, who was pushed, couldn’t take it anymore, and I came a little undone.

 

I’m not sure why I’m sharing this. I guess I don’t need to hide proof that I’m just an imperfect person in an imperfect world. We all have moments that suck, right? That’s all for now…

 

J. Lefever

 

Tryst Thought: Space is always good when you are having emotional words with another. Sometimes we say things we don’t mean in the heat of the moment. In the space, we think clearer, and can come back, and have a much more productive conversation.

Do we turn into someone we are not, when our words get the best of us?

 

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Made of Water

Made of Water

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They fall

Without reprise

No hesitation,

As if I’m made of nothing else

Tears run down the mountain

Foot prints in the sand

Trace the path of

Where I’ve been

A lonely fish

Swimming the river

Of deceit and denial

Never stops to wonder

Why it’s alone, it never even bothers

Icicles melt

Into the ground

Heated by the sun

Flowers reach up to the warmth

Like I do when you’re around

But just like that

In a moment’s time

No hesitation,

None at all

A tear comes along,

Followed by another

As if my emotions are made of water

~ J. Lefever ~

(02/17/13)

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