She Said…

She Said…

She was leaving

She said it was time

She said she’d had enough

She said she had been blind

It was all in her hopes

And dreams, you see

That keep her going on

But the day finally came

Where she packed up and moved on…

She said she couldn’t believe

She said it was such a nightmare

She said reality felt so harsh

She said she didn’t belong anywhere…

She stopped doing the things she loved

She completely lost her self & way

She prayed for the sun to rise

She told herself she would be OK…

It was the toughest of times,

Yet, no one really knew

She lied for him, as she was told

And she lied to herself too…

She had been down the broken road

She said, Oh, So many times

She knew what it looked like

So, she could avoid it if it chose to arise…

But the blurriness of love

And all it’s taunting tricks…

Lead her down that broken road

Filled with heavy rocks and sharp sticks…

She said she knew better

That this could not happen again

She said she was a fool

She stood up to look within…

She Said…

She was leaving

She said it was time

She said she’d had enough

She wasn’t going to rewind.

***

JL.

Think.Speak.Tryst.

In A Nut-Shell ~ Tryst Update

In A Nut Shell ~ Tryst Update

 

Last weekend I posted a tweet that kinda made me laugh… I tweeted that I need to start writing things down! As in, making lists.. of things I want to do, need to do, have going on, and ideas that POP up in my head through out the course of the day. This made me laugh after I hit ‘tweet’ because, well, I am a writer!! I write ALL the freakin time!! How is it that I am forgetting things… ? What’s up with that?

 

In a nut-shell, I have been extremely busy. This has been a very good thing for my emotions and grieving (the loss of my brother), but it has been frustrating in other areas of my life.

 

In a nut-shell, I am NOT managing my time well! I have ongoing projects, things on the back burner, new things coming forward and millions of thoughts floating around in my head…

 

In a nut-shell, I really wish there were more minutes in the day… but then again, I’m glad there is not!! If I crammed any thing else into my already busy life, right now, I might lose it and go postal!!

 

… I am way behind in writing here, my Tryst Land has been seriously neglected!! I mean, I haven’t been doing even my Daily Reflections, and those I LOVE, because they really help to center my thoughts and feelings… I write them in hopes to help others, or maybe inspire, or heal, but they are really helpful to me and so when I don’t ‘reflect’ I feel like I’m ‘neglecting’ my spirit…

 

…I am behind in my book project and my manuscript… I have a poetry contest that I’ve been preparing for and have three hundred poems of mind to choose from, and have gotten NOWHERE in actually choosing!!

 

…My friendships, which mean the world to me, and most of which, my really good friends who don’t even live in KC, I have been meaning to pick up the phone and here I am… still needing to make my friendly ‘Jen-calls’ to my peeps… I miss my people!!

 

In a nut-shell, I am freakin busy!! I have a new business that just started and work on top of that… where am I going to find some more time? Better time management? Or even just some peace and freaking quiet? When will things be simple and calm?

 

Meanwhile, I have the one year date of my little brother’s death looming over my head… and words do those feeling absolutely ZERO justice…

 

This has been a Tryst Update. Brought to you by Jen, who is just a girl, trying to stay afloat, in a crazy, ever-changing world.

 

Xo

 

*****

ღ

 

 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

 

Miraculous Me

 

Miraculous Me

 

In the break of the morning

A pause in the moment

My mind gathers its thoughts

And I realize my reality

 

I have come so far

From the deepest depths of despair

To the brightest shooting stars

Soul shinning with every step I take

 

Yes, this is all true

I can finally say I’ve done something

I can finally say that I am alive again

Living my life, through and through

 

I think of the battles

Of all the mountains I had to climb

Yesterday was to tougher than most

But I made it, I actually survived

 

I stand in my kitchen

Pouring coffee and making toast

The simplest of routine tasks

Render me quite grateful indeed

 

When you find yourself lost

Inside of your dark troubles

You forget to be thankful

For the little things most people take for granted

 

But miraculous me

Gives thanks for those things

For my battles and victories

For my life and for me…

 

~ J Lefever ~

(05/17/13)

 

*****

 

ღ

 

 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

 

The Victim & The Villain

I am going through my poetry and putting together my third manuscript. So, I am compiling all my pieces, reading through them, picking and choosing, and I came across this one. This is a piece that remains one of my favorites… most dear to the painful part of my soul… yesterdays news, but still ever so present in the choices I make… I wanted to share it again… just for fun…

***** 

This is… my most beloved piece. This piece is meant to be read slowly, to get the emotion in each word I chose to tell this story. This is a short story, about me. It is written poetically. I am happy to share it, and hope it is enjoyed and understood by those who read it. This is also the title of a book that I am currently writing… one of my writing projects that is very dear to my heart. This is the story of the Victim and the Villain. ~ J

The Victim & The Villain

I can tell you of days

When I was completely frozen

I can tell you of weeks that went by

And I didn’t even notice

I can tell you of mornings

I would wake up mad

Mad ’cause I was still breathing, still alive

…isn’t that sad?

I can tell you of a lady

Who was once alive in me

She was vibrant, and she smiled

She was what other’s wanted to be

But somehow, in her life, she became

Tragically sad

Things began to happen

Now, She’s a Victim to all things bad

A run of bad luck, for a decade, or so

But she was also the Villain of her story, you know

As much as she tried

To push the darkness away

The Villain within

Would not let her stray

The Villain was strong but

It needed it’s Victim down

And with all of the chaos

The Victim was stuck in her town

Further and further

Did her pure image go

But deep down inside

Her spirit would know

In a time and a place

She could rise up again

And put to rest

Her corruption, her sin

I can tell you of days

When I thought this impossible

I can tell you today

I have become remarkable

Only because

I can see inside

That I was the Victim.. and the Villain

In my very own mind

Playing the taunter

And being taunted by…

The miraculous strength of

Me, Myself, and I…

I can’t tell you who wins

The story of me

The Victim, the Villain, or the saviour to be…

But I am each one

Each integral part

That make up the Victim… and the Villain

Inside of my heart.

~~ J. Lefever ~~

(04/15/012)

*****

ღ

 

 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

If I Could Run

If I Could Run

***

If I could run
To anywhere but here
I’d run to the moon
To see the stars near

On the tail of a comet
I would fly across galaxies
Floating in the sparkling sea
Losing myself in zero realities

My reason to run
In the rear view behind
The haunting mistake
I’ll never rewind

I travel the universe
Looking for black holes
In hopes to find one
That no one knows

But reality sits grounded
Finding me running nowhere
I’m stuck confronting
What chases me from fear

***

J. Lefever

Written in February of 2012

 

***

 

ღ

 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

Daily Reflection on Tryst (05/13/13)

Daily Reflection (05/13/13)

 

Not Getting A Goodbye

As I move through the stages of grief, I go through many emotional ups & downs. I have been through things in my life that were very hard, some tragic, some self-inflicted, others were influenced by others, things that left deep scars, lies and betrayal, death, but no one as close as my own brother. I have never felt these kinds of emotions, or this level of pain, ever.

In my mind, I go over & over the events of the day my brother was killed. What was he thinking? What was he feeling? What was he doing? Where was he going? And then things about the actual event that took his life… what happened? How can this have even been a real event… it this really real? It is a mental circus… a mental torture in which I can’t even begin to put into words.

Me being such an analytical person, always wanting and needing to know the answers to everything in this world, the ‘not-knowing’ drives me crazy. It drives me crazy and it makes me very angry and it makes me cry and it makes me scream for my brother… All of this, emotion, pours out of me and I’m not the only one. My mother, who has a death certificate for her son. My father, who had to bury his baby boy. We are all changed. We are all broken. We are all damaged. We all have a hole in our hearts. Our lives will never be complete.

Even when we experience moments of joy and happiness… there will always be something, our someone, that is missing…

In my thinking this weekend, I came across the thought that… one of the hardest parts about this is, not getting to say goodbye. Losing my brother the way that I did, was, unceremonial. One minute of the day, and he was just… gone. There was nothing I could do, no where I could go, completely helpless…

 

I hate that I didn’t get to say goodbye…

I didn’t get to tell him I love him…

I didn’t get to tell him any of the million things I have yet to say…

I wasn’t finished…

I wasn’t done making memories with my brother…

 

My life with him was just over, in one second, and I didn’t even get to say goodbye…

 

If you have a sibling, I cannot stress the importance of telling them you love them, every single time you speak. No matter what… tell them you love them…

 

Have a great day Tryst.

 

XOXO ~ Jen’

 

Tryst Thought : Everywhere I go, I carry him with me. But it’s not the same. It is not ever going to be the same…

 *****

 

ღ

 

 

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

 

 

Noise

 

 

Noise

 

Patter patter patter

Sound is unknown

Coming from somewhere

This place is not my home

 

Waking from a slumber

The land of my dreams

Subconscious mind is speaking

Inside my mind I scream

 

Open my eyes

Into the light of day

Room feeling foreign

Something safe I pray

 

Noises at my window

Water drops pattering upon

Will I walk into nothing

In the space I don’t belong

 

Time has stolen my innocence

Yet my hope it still remains

Without my internal faith

I’d go crazy insane

 

I carry this hope

My light inside my heart

Everywhere I go

Or else I’d fall apart

 

Tiny noise brings me back to life

Another day I will be brave

Never giving up on me

Eternal mission is to save

 

Even though I don’t belong

I feel like I don’t quite fit

I have this love inside my soul

For me, I’ll never quit

 

I am one among the world today

A true example of energy

Bound and determined to stand up tall

Do everything I need to save me…

 

~ J Lefever ~

(04/04/13)

 

 

*****

 

ღ

 

 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

♥

 

Verse

 

Verse

 

 

Inside of my words

 My lyrics tell of many things

 It’s a lesson that I’m preaching

 To myself that I am teaching

The verse of wisdom

Inside of my words

 

Inside of my words

There are many emotions

Countless times in my healing

Pain and joy in my feelings

My heart tells of many things

Inside of my words

 

 

Inside of my words

A million souls are marching

Proving that I’m strong

Somewhere my heart belongs

My soul stands proud to tell my glory

Inside of my words

 

Inside of my words

I hold the power of one

To my own self I save

I have been nothing but brave

My strength built up with time

Inside of my words

 

Inside of my words

I am connected to the world

Changing elements with eternal strength

Something unravels underneath

The light that shines inside of me

Inside of my words

 

Inside of my words

I am ice melting in the sun

Embracing the beauty in every day

Grateful for tomorrow I continue to pray

Forever learning as I go, listen to me

Inside of my words

 

Inside of my words

I only need this air

Taking with me my personal victories

Celebrating for all of my memories

I am a miracle upon this earth

In everything I say

Inside of my words

 

~J Lefever~

(05/02/13)

 

 

*****

ღ

 

 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

♥

 

 

 

 

 

All That Remains

All That Remains

A moment in time

Words are like thunderstorms

The exchange we make

In attempt only to poison another

What does that say

About the people we are

When we seek to sabotage

Hurt and drown

Someone we love?

It comes like a thousand knives

I can’t shake the feeling

Up all night with anxiety

Dripping in your

Painful exchange

Falling asleep with swollen eyes

Tears of exhaustion

Finally put me to rest

But a troubled sleep it is

With your words in my mind

Trying to open your eyes

To the way things have become

Still

You come at me like

I am your enemy

May I remind you

I am only a piece of you

Your heart made mine

So why are you breaking it

apart

We have suffered a great loss

It is hard to keep going

Made even harder

With your anger choking us

Once there was unity

Now we stand divided

When all that remains

Is the anger we hide in

What do we have left

Am I the only one trying

To keep us in light

And live instead of dying

But then comes a new sun

And your words pierce my heart

Inside I am still crying

Because we are falling apart

~ J. Lefever ~

(04/26/13)

*****

ღ

 

 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

When The River Runs Dry

 

When The River Runs Dry

 

When the world is waiting

For the trees to come alive

And the rivers are flowing

Into the meadows of serenity

 

My patient soul is bare

Open and exposed in the air

As I wait to bloom

I am waiting for you

 

The City is under water

Some people are still floating

Trying to save us all

Even as my ignorance is showing

 

When the river runs dry

I will bring you nourishment

Feeding the earth my soulshine

Under the skies of blue

 

Sitting on the banks of despair

Leaves fall into the stream

The world has become hushed

Listen to the rhythm it dreams

 

We all share a spirit

Wanting warmth and safety inside

Even as a brave young woman

Sometimes I go places to hide

 

In the end I hope for solstice

Rebirth of the spirit in me

When the river runs dry, I’ll be there

Giving light to everything you see

 

~J Lefever~

(04/26/13)

 

*****

 

ღ

 

 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication