She Said…

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She Said…

She was leaving

She said it was time

She said she’d had enough

She said she had been blind

It was all in her hopes

And dreams, you see

That keep her going on

But the day finally came

Where she packed up and moved on…

She said she couldn’t believe

She said it was such a nightmare

She said reality felt so harsh

She said she didn’t belong anywhere…

She stopped doing the things she loved

She completely lost her self & way

She prayed for the sun to rise

She told herself she would be OK…

It was the toughest of times,

Yet, no one really knew

She lied for him, as she was told

And she lied to herself too…

She had been down the broken road

She said, Oh, So many times

She knew what it looked like

So, she could avoid it if it chose to arise…

But the blurriness of love

And all it’s taunting tricks…

Lead her down that broken road

Filled with heavy rocks and sharp sticks…

She said she knew better

That this could not happen again

She said she was a fool

She stood up to look within…

She Said…

She was leaving

She said it was time

She said she’d had enough

She wasn’t going to rewind.

***

JL.

Think.Speak.Tryst.

In A Nut-Shell ~ Tryst Update

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In A Nut Shell ~ Tryst Update

 

Last weekend I posted a tweet that kinda made me laugh… I tweeted that I need to start writing things down! As in, making lists.. of things I want to do, need to do, have going on, and ideas that POP up in my head through out the course of the day. This made me laugh after I hit ‘tweet’ because, well, I am a writer!! I write ALL the freakin time!! How is it that I am forgetting things… ? What’s up with that?

 

In a nut-shell, I have been extremely busy. This has been a very good thing for my emotions and grieving (the loss of my brother), but it has been frustrating in other areas of my life.

 

In a nut-shell, I am NOT managing my time well! I have ongoing projects, things on the back burner, new things coming forward and millions of thoughts floating around in my head…

 

In a nut-shell, I really wish there were more minutes in the day… but then again, I’m glad there is not!! If I crammed any thing else into my already busy life, right now, I might lose it and go postal!!

 

… I am way behind in writing here, my Tryst Land has been seriously neglected!! I mean, I haven’t been doing even my Daily Reflections, and those I LOVE, because they really help to center my thoughts and feelings… I write them in hopes to help others, or maybe inspire, or heal, but they are really helpful to me and so when I don’t ‘reflect’ I feel like I’m ‘neglecting’ my spirit…

 

…I am behind in my book project and my manuscript… I have a poetry contest that I’ve been preparing for and have three hundred poems of mind to choose from, and have gotten NOWHERE in actually choosing!!

 

…My friendships, which mean the world to me, and most of which, my really good friends who don’t even live in KC, I have been meaning to pick up the phone and here I am… still needing to make my friendly ‘Jen-calls’ to my peeps… I miss my people!!

 

In a nut-shell, I am freakin busy!! I have a new business that just started and work on top of that… where am I going to find some more time? Better time management? Or even just some peace and freaking quiet? When will things be simple and calm?

 

Meanwhile, I have the one year date of my little brother’s death looming over my head… and words do those feeling absolutely ZERO justice…

 

This has been a Tryst Update. Brought to you by Jen, who is just a girl, trying to stay afloat, in a crazy, ever-changing world.

 

Xo

 

*****

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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 

Miraculous Me

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Miraculous Me

 

In the break of the morning

A pause in the moment

My mind gathers its thoughts

And I realize my reality

 

I have come so far

From the deepest depths of despair

To the brightest shooting stars

Soul shinning with every step I take

 

Yes, this is all true

I can finally say I’ve done something

I can finally say that I am alive again

Living my life, through and through

 

I think of the battles

Of all the mountains I had to climb

Yesterday was to tougher than most

But I made it, I actually survived

 

I stand in my kitchen

Pouring coffee and making toast

The simplest of routine tasks

Render me quite grateful indeed

 

When you find yourself lost

Inside of your dark troubles

You forget to be thankful

For the little things most people take for granted

 

But miraculous me

Gives thanks for those things

For my battles and victories

For my life and for me…

 

~ J Lefever ~

(05/17/13)

 

*****

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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 

The Victim & The Villain

I am going through my poetry and putting together my third manuscript. So, I am compiling all my pieces, reading through them, picking and choosing, and I came across this one. This is a piece that remains one of my favorites… most dear to the painful part of my soul… yesterdays news, but still ever so present in the choices I make… I wanted to share it again… just for fun…
***** 
This is… my most beloved piece. This piece is meant to be read slowly, to get the emotion in each word I chose to tell this story. This is a short story, about me. It is written poetically. I am happy to share it, and hope it is enjoyed and understood by those who read it. This is also the title of a book that I am currently writing… one of my writing projects that is very dear to my heart. This is the story of the Victim and the Villain. ~ J
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The Victim & The Villain
I can tell you of days
When I was completely frozen
I can tell you of weeks that went by
And I didn’t even notice
I can tell you of mornings
I would wake up mad
Mad ’cause I was still breathing, still alive
…isn’t that sad?
I can tell you of a lady
Who was once alive in me
She was vibrant, and she smiled
She was what other’s wanted to be
But somehow, in her life, she became
Tragically sad
Things began to happen
Now, She’s a Victim to all things bad
A run of bad luck, for a decade, or so
But she was also the Villain of her story, you know
As much as she tried
To push the darkness away
The Villain within
Would not let her stray
The Villain was strong but
It needed it’s Victim down
And with all of the chaos
The Victim was stuck in her town
Further and further
Did her pure image go
But deep down inside
Her spirit would know
In a time and a place
She could rise up again
And put to rest
Her corruption, her sin
I can tell you of days
When I thought this impossible
I can tell you today
I have become remarkable
Only because
I can see inside
That I was the Victim.. and the Villain
In my very own mind
Playing the taunter
And being taunted by…
The miraculous strength of
Me, Myself, and I…
I can’t tell you who wins
The story of me
The Victim, the Villain, or the saviour to be…
But I am each one
Each integral part
That make up the Victim… and the Villain
Inside of my heart.
~~ J. Lefever ~~
(04/15/012)
*****
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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 

If I Could Run

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If I Could Run
***
If I could run
To anywhere but here
I’d run to the moon
To see the stars near
On the tail of a comet
I would fly across galaxies
Floating in the sparkling sea
Losing myself in zero realities
My reason to run
In the rear view behind
The haunting mistake
I’ll never rewind
I travel the universe
Looking for black holes
In hopes to find one
That no one knows
But reality sits grounded
Finding me running nowhere
I’m stuck confronting
What chases me from fear
***
J. Lefever
Written in February of 2012
 
***
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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 

Daily Reflection on Tryst (05/13/13)

Daily Reflection (05/13/13)

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Not Getting A Goodbye

As I move through the stages of grief, I go through many emotional ups & downs. I have been through things in my life that were very hard, some tragic, some self-inflicted, others were influenced by others, things that left deep scars, lies and betrayal, death, but no one as close as my own brother. I have never felt these kinds of emotions, or this level of pain, ever.

In my mind, I go over & over the events of the day my brother was killed. What was he thinking? What was he feeling? What was he doing? Where was he going? And then things about the actual event that took his life… what happened? How can this have even been a real event… it this really real? It is a mental circus… a mental torture in which I can’t even begin to put into words.

Me being such an analytical person, always wanting and needing to know the answers to everything in this world, the ‘not-knowing’ drives me crazy. It drives me crazy and it makes me very angry and it makes me cry and it makes me scream for my brother… All of this, emotion, pours out of me and I’m not the only one. My mother, who has a death certificate for her son. My father, who had to bury his baby boy. We are all changed. We are all broken. We are all damaged. We all have a hole in our hearts. Our lives will never be complete.

Even when we experience moments of joy and happiness… there will always be something, our someone, that is missing…

In my thinking this weekend, I came across the thought that… one of the hardest parts about this is, not getting to say goodbye. Losing my brother the way that I did, was, unceremonial. One minute of the day, and he was just… gone. There was nothing I could do, no where I could go, completely helpless…

 

I hate that I didn’t get to say goodbye…

I didn’t get to tell him I love him…

I didn’t get to tell him any of the million things I have yet to say…

I wasn’t finished…

I wasn’t done making memories with my brother…

 

My life with him was just over, in one second, and I didn’t even get to say goodbye…

 

If you have a sibling, I cannot stress the importance of telling them you love them, every single time you speak. No matter what… tell them you love them…

 

Have a great day Tryst.

 

XOXO ~ Jen’

 

Tryst Thought : Everywhere I go, I carry him with me. But it’s not the same. It is not ever going to be the same…

 *****

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 

 

 

Noise

 

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Noise

 

Patter patter patter

Sound is unknown

Coming from somewhere

This place is not my home

 

Waking from a slumber

The land of my dreams

Subconscious mind is speaking

Inside my mind I scream

 

Open my eyes

Into the light of day

Room feeling foreign

Something safe I pray

 

Noises at my window

Water drops pattering upon

Will I walk into nothing

In the space I don’t belong

 

Time has stolen my innocence

Yet my hope it still remains

Without my internal faith

I’d go crazy insane

 

I carry this hope

My light inside my heart

Everywhere I go

Or else I’d fall apart

 

Tiny noise brings me back to life

Another day I will be brave

Never giving up on me

Eternal mission is to save

 

Even though I don’t belong

I feel like I don’t quite fit

I have this love inside my soul

For me, I’ll never quit

 

I am one among the world today

A true example of energy

Bound and determined to stand up tall

Do everything I need to save me…

 

~ J Lefever ~

(04/04/13)

 

 

*****

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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication