Life, Death, A Fool & Her Thoughts ~ Tryst Free Write

Life, Death, A Fool & Her Thoughts ~ Tryst Daily Reflection

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This has been a hard year. I have been through it all, I have learned a lot. I have moved forward, not backwards, which I am deeply proud of, I have listened some and talked some, I have grown and gained experience and wisdom and most of all, I have survived, so far, the most terrible tragedy … that of losing my brother, my little brother and my life long best friend, who was shot and killed in the city one afternoon in June. Yes, I have had to adjust to living without him, adjust to him not being here to talk to anymore, adjust to having to watch my mom and dad grow older without him. I am still so lost when I search for him, search for answers and when the tears come rolling down my cheeks and frustration boils in my veins, I fall to my knees in desperation and defeat.

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Then I get back up and keep breathing.

Then I get back up and keep living.

Someday I will join my brother, in the Heavens above … Someday I will get to see him again … just not today … just not today. My time here is not yet finished. I still have life to live and people to make memories & learn lessons with. It is not my time to go be with him … my life purpose has not been fulfilled.

Here I am, just that same girl, that grown woman who hurts and cries and laughs and smiles and bleeds like everyone else. Writing about all my life’s chapters, and selecting the ones that I think are suitable to share with the world. Judged or not, which I know I am, as it is so common for more people than not, people will watch, people will assume, people will point fingers, people will judge and people will blame another, and I am not excused from those people in some times of my life but I have learned that this is not healthy, productive or suitable of my character in any way. I don’t like to judge others. Probably because I have been in the spotlight, in the center of the circle, the one who gets judged upon many times in my life. So I take that, brush it off, and move on because those people who judge just don’t matter, and the ones who matter, are the ones who don’t judge.

How can anyone judge another’s life anyway? What gives anyone the right? No one knows a persons pain, no one knows a persons experiences, stories, dreams and nightmares and no one knows what it is like to walk in another’s shoes, no one could possibly know this at all. So, it is completely and utterly arrogant, ignorant and not justifiably true at all for another person to pass judgments based on the fact that they have absolutely no clue. It’s like speaking on a subject you know nothing about, yet you pretend that you know what you are speaking of. Maybe you fool some, only the foolish that is, but in all truth, only the wise, the people who rise above those who point fingers, are the ones who know that words are only words when spoken. Only the wise know not to put any value to them, making them anything else but what they are, and that is meaningless words spoken by a judgmental fool who knows nothing, and who will always remain the same, never moving forward due to their inability to see the foolishness of their thinking and behaving, thus preventing themselves from ever being taught any lessons of wisdom in which to move them forward and enlighten then upon their many many mistakes.

This is the life of a fool. This is the life of those who judge others. What gives them the right, as I first stated above … What gives anyone the right to say they know enough about another’s life in any way, to pass judgments based on their opinions?

They don’t have the right. Only if we give meaning or emotion to their words, do the things they say have meaning or hold value, and then we become a fool for listening and giving meaning to the things said by the foolish fool. If we brush them off, then like I said above, they are only empty words spoken by a foolish fool.

Either way, we are all foolish fools. In a matter of speaking, nothing is justifiable. Nothing makes sense. Life is unfair and we are all dealt the hand that we have no choice but to deal with. Some of us choose not to deal with their hand … while others fight their whole lives trying to find out why things are the way they are. Many things make us different … and many things make us exactly the same. We are all just clueless fools … searching for that which makes us grown and wise … searching for a feeling of security, in anything we do. But we are all still fools.

As I drove home from work this evening, I looked up to the sky, as I often do, and I saw a full moon hanging up in the sky. It was full, bright, and silver and its face was smiling. The face on the moon was full and smiling down upon us, upon the Humans of the world, as we all scurry about, screwing things up and making mistakes, as we all have one common bond … deep inside us all: we all want to feel a sense of security. Now, our kinds of security may differ, but we all want to feel that … secure … in whatever sense we personally seek. We all seek to find, feel and also give a certain sense of safety, of security. What is it that makes me feel safe … ? What does safety mean anyway … ? Are any of us ever really safe from anything … ? Are any of us ever really safe at all … ? Who can trust? Who is always honest? Who has never done wrong? Or hurt another? Whether by choice or by accident, who hasn’t screwed up? Who hasn’t had to ask for forgiveness? Who hasn’t had to give forgiveness? Who thinks that they have all the answers? There are actually people who believe that their way of thinking and behaving is always the righteous way. Really? What ignorance those people must have … to think such a thing. None of us know … we don’t know why things are the way they are, or what is going to happen tomorrow … Just like words can be only words, spoken by a fool, and the fool who listenes to them … so am I the fool who speaks empty words right now … ? And are you the fool who listenes … ? I know my heart is a good one, and my soul is tender and sensitive. So because I am not one to act out of cruelty or viciousness, what does that make me … ? A kind fool who speaks words with endless thoughts that never stop wondering … why … ?

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***

Life is so unpredictable.

Nothing is promised.

We are all going to fall down.

And not all of us get back up.

But those who do…

Are the ones who pave the paths of wisdom

For the ones who play it safe and never take chances

For the ones who conform to society and who are always less wise as a result of that conformity…

The fallen become the strong

And the wise

And we are the ones who

Discover the truths of life

And who end up appreciating everything they have

Everything that their life has given them

And everything they have given others

As a result of their existence in this world

As a human being, just like everyone else.

***

I will continue to let my Soulshine upon the world … because that is one of the reasons I am here … to give to others and let others experience mine … my very own Soulshine.

Something to think about ~ Don’t avoid being the fool. We need that every once and a while. But instead of becoming the fool forever, gain a wisdom from your foolishness, and see what it teaches you.

XOXO ~ Jen

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Karma Police

Karma Police

*** Tryst Free Write ***

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Sitting, waiting and watching … patiently … is Karma.

People may not ever realize that Karma is watching, or that it is even real … but it is.

Karma has much more patience than we can even imagine. That is why when we are stumbling around, down here on earth, waiting for someone’s Karma to show up, or even our own, and we can’t understand why it is taking so long.

Well, Karma, I have learned, waits for the perfect moment. A moment that we can’t see coming, a moment that we are totally unaware of, a moment that we can’t even anticipate. There are all reasons for Karma, and why it exists, and how it works … Karma is the link to our inner most judge and jury, that of which knows us better than we know ourselves. Karma always knows when we have lied, cheated, stolen, hurt out of vengeance, acted out of pride, hidden out of gluttony and lied out of lust … yes, there are many things that we do as people, and there are many things we think we keep to ourselves, things that we think no one knows … but even if that is so, even if we were extremely careful, and did not get caught, even if we were able to keep something we have done a complete secret from anyone and everyone, except ourselves, even if this is so, we can never keep secrets from Karma (And of our God, as we understand him) … I believe that those 2 things, those 2 infinite beings, those 2 incredibly powerful entities always know what is in our hearts, minds and souls. Karma and our power of a higher being always know if we have good intent, if we are really trying, when we are really hurting, when and if we are right or wrong, if we are treating others well & kind, if we are treating ourselves well & kind, if our intent is good and for the better, if we have really changed our ways for the better, if we are real or not, if our actions match up to our lives and if our lives match up to our thoughts and if our thoughts match up to our inner most wants, needs and desires … they know, us better than we can even imagine, they know what we are doing, what we deserve and where we are going …

I get lost thinking of these things … a lot lately.

I think of these things as I go through this murder trial … praying for justice for the life of my brother, and yet, all the while knowing that none of it really matters. I won’t ever see my brother again. So, none of it really matters.

But Karma, Karma watches … waits … and as much as I want Karma to come down and get to work on the person who killed Dave, I know that I have a long time to wait for Karma to show up on this matter. I know that Karma will. I believe that you can’t possibly take a life, a life that wasn’t even threatening another, take it and just walk away, unaffected by it, with no life consequences upon your own … this cannot be the way it works in the world. Not under this sky, not under the power of higher being who watches us and protects us … this cannot be. So, I believe that Karma will show up, quite some time from now, in its usual fashion, at a time and place beyond my understanding, to pay its dues …

Impatient me waits … for patient Karma Police … to show up and teach someone a lesson … even though I know that, no matter what, Karma will never hurt this person as much as this person has hurt me and my family … Karma doesn’t work that way …

Karma teaches us in other ways …

Has Karma ever taught you?

Has Karma ever given you pain to feel?

Have you learned to change your ways because of the things that Karma has shown you?

~J. Lefever

(10/09/13)

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Detours ~ A Free Write

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Detours ~ A Free Write
 
If only, I could go somewhere, and get only one question answered… of all of my un-answerable questions, to the many paradoxes of life, which question would I choose to know?
 
It is a common question that gets asked, in all cultures, I’m sure, all around the globe, and that is: if you could know your future, would you want to know? Like, would you want to know when you are going to die?
 
I think it would be kind of trippy to be told the answer to that. If my time was going to expire soon, if I was going to die very soon, I may wish to know that. If this was so, I’d hopefully get busy doing all sorts of things that I want to do before I can’t… right? I’d for sure get the hell out of this city and put myself on the beach, on an island somewhere… I would not want my final days spent here!! So, for that aspect, I’d probably want to know. Other than that… if I still have many long years of life ahead of me, I can’t imagine what it would feel like to know the answer to a question like that. I don’t think I’d really want to know.
 
Our lives are so full of personal details. At any point, I think, depending on our decisions and choices, we can detour off our paths. Maybe it was supposed to be that way. Maybe any, or all, of our ‘detours’ are meant to happen… written in our fate…
 
Fate.
 
Fate, we all know, is the predetermined principle that certain events are lined out for us and are supposed to happen. You may hear me say, “Oh, that was not meant for me…” or maybe, “This wasn’t supposed to happen”. Even when good, or bad things happen, we think that it is because of our fate, right? In the event of something unfortunate, I say, “My fate is not looking very good right now…”
 
I have taken a lot of detours in my life. I have lived in other cities… for many years, and for a short time. I have circled back to my home town and I know this is not permanent. I have met people, who have brought me to do and see new things. I have lost people too. I have lost people who I thought would always be a part of my life and they turned out to be just a memory for me now. Could all the times I messed up and made bad choices have been avoided? Or was it in my fate to learn and grow up that way? Today, I have some new and wonderful people in my life who I hope to continue to get to know. Today, I am getting ready to make a life change and work in a new industry. Is this path predetermined… is it my fate?
 
I have a lot of questions that run through my mind, every single day… here I am… just thinking about the path I seem to be on right now… and questioning if it is the right one and if it really is true that fate exists and my life is a predetermined chain of events…
 
J. Lefever
 
 
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A Lyrical Free Write

This is a Lyrical Free Write

Just a little something… That made me smile 🙂

♥ A piece of poetry, from Jen to you.. when ever you can write with me, I hope that you do..!! No matter what I am doing, No matter where I am, writing with you is something I love, so no worries my sweet turtle-dove.. Happiness, smiles and your friendly words, is what you always bring, so full of joy, my dear sweet friend, you make me sing! If it weren’t for you and the way you reach out, the world would feel smaller, more confined no doubt.. Counting all the ways, that I adore you… Where would I be, I’d be lost without you too! Love you Miss Tryst.. I ♥ you Miss Hasty

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Self Inflicted Lock-Up ~ Tryst Journal

Self Inflicted Lock-Up
 
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A Free Write ~ Tryst Journal
 
Life.
 
We spend our whole lives, trying to figure out the meaning to life. Waking up, each day, putting one step in front of the other, constantly moving forward. Each moment, consciously aware that we are alive. What is my purpose? What is the meaning of my existence? Why am I here? Where am I going?
 
Questions like this circulate constantly in my mind, every single day. When I was younger, I was very conscious of these wonderings, these thoughts, but my mind was still very young. My mind was very unexperienced to the ways of the world. I was trying to grow, and fit in, not only to the world and its social elements, but also trying to fit into my mind… my spirit. What did my spirit want? What felt right? What brought me happiness, or sadness? Also, at that young age, I was thinking about growing up, and what I wanted to, and could do, to be an adult. How was I going to take care of myself.
 
It’s such a paradox, that we want so badly to grow up and have the freedoms of an adult. Then, when we reach adulthood, we do what we need to do to survive, but in the process, every year that passes by, the questions still remain, very much alive and unanswered… what is the meaning of my life? Who am I really? What am I supposed to do?
 
I find myself in moments of unhappiness. I know I feel the unhappiness. I know what I want to make me happy. So, why am I even fighting it? If I know the answer to something, where is the action towards obtaining it?
 
Hope.
 
I lose hope because what I want is not something that I can just go out and get. I can’t buy it in one second and begin enjoying it the next minute. Things aren’t always obtainable like that. Things aren’t always in arms reach.
 
I think that when I feel the most defeated and render myself stuck, in life, at a standstill, pondering the sadness, the unsatisfactory, picking apart the continuing questions, I get a real sense of hopelessness. I feel overwhelmed. I am standing there, looking at the whole picture, saying I want this and this and that, and I have none of that at all right now. I find myself saying that I’ll never get there, or be able to have all those things.
 
Beginning.
 
Starting at square one is a start. But it is a step that must be taken. Like growing up. Growing up doesn’t happen in one day. It is a process, a gradual, day by day, sequence of time that we never get a break from. Time never stops. So, when I feel like I’m standing at a wall, going nowhere, the whole world is still going on and moving around me. So why, how even, am I so stuck?
 
My life doesn’t get to stop while everyone else keeps going. Yet, there are ways to paralyze yourself. There are ways that I have stopped my life. And when I define these moments, it’s what I call a waste of time.
 
Wasting time is when I find myself, moving, but not moving forward. This is my genre of depression. The depression that I have invited into my life is just this: the feelings of overwhelming doubt put me into a conscious state of living paralysis. I somehow, lock myself up behind self-inflicted bars that aren’t really there. I cry feeling the sadness of being stuck, but I am feeling this way because I have allowed my life to invite this reality. I allowed it. I have a choice not to be stuck.
 
So, why am I so stuck?
 
J. Lefever
 
This free write was written in the space of the last few days… or so… just some babble, I thought I’d post in my Tryst Journal…
 
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I Quite Literally Don’t Know ~ A Free Write on Tryst

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A Free Write ~

 As time passes on, I feel much better knowing that I keep moving forward. But then I think of how it has been said that history repeats itself. It’s kind of true… I mean, looking at the events of this world, society, people, leaders, mis-haps, movies, literature, war, religion, politics, cultural & world events, contests, performances, and so on… There is some repetitiveness in life as we know it. For the controversial subjects as war, religion and politics, I pass on getting deep into those at this moment. But for other things, as much as we say we learn, move forward, forgive, what not… As much as we say that we don’t repeat the same mistake twice, because we’ve learned from our past, how does history still have a way of repeating itself?

Once I fall, for whatever the reason may be, I learn, gather my new wisdom’s, get the fuck back up, and go on with m life. I say, well I’ll never do that again, and for most things, that is true. Where I seem to have some noticeable repetition is in the more sensitive matters, like matters of the heart. Is it that those are just harder to change? Harder to adjust to? Do matters of the heart, that are not good for us, or me I should say, seem to be such a difficult challenge and almost impossible for me to change? I’m speaking in reference to relationships. Relationships of love, with a significant other. I’m not talking about friendships. That’s another free write, I suppose…

I have a history of not-so-good relationships. Funny, because it’s not like I can say, oh how un-lucky am I for not getting a great relationship every single time. I can’t say that because relationships are not pre-determined for us and selected, and handed to us at the appropriate times in our lives. No. We choose the one’s we decide to be with, calling us a couple, making a life together. Now, there is another flip to this coin, I say we choose our loves, but it’s really our hearts that do the growing of the fondness. This is true, but whether good or bad, we are in control of our lives, with having free will and all, so we also have the choice to end something, if it is not in our best interests. In some ways, we do have the power to control and choose, but in others, we don’t.

Healing from a broken heart hurts. No matter how good or bad the relationship. The ‘end’ of something is always hard. Why? Because it means change. And change is new, different, uncomfortable, and if it is a chosen change, we adjust easier, but if it’s a forced change, the road back to life seems much more a unomfortable pain in the ass. In my history of not-so-good relationships, I’m not sure why I chose the way I did, and why I rationalized things in my mind the way I did, but I imagine that it all was meant for something, some big lesson, or understanding that I may or may not ever understand. Why do some of us learn by much harder, massively emotional, even traumatic lessons, and others, float through life, untouched by the darknesses hands, unharmed by loves twist of pain, unaffected by the broken side of damage… and yet, some of us, get a heavy helping of these kind of experiences and realities.

So many questions I do have, all the time too. I am full of words tonight. I really sat down to write some kind of funny, or passionate fiction, but a free write is what happened. Isn’t life so unpredictable? As for a free write, love? Really Jen? Something so lovely, something we want, desire and crave all the same, yet, that very thing we want also comes with so much pain, heartache and with lies and deceit, broken promises… We will map out our entire futures when we have a new and exciting love. Falling in love is so much fun. Never entertaining the idea, the what-if, the fact of reality that this may not be the one forever. No, in the beginning we never think that. We fall in love, or fall in love with the idea of falling in love. If that is the case, then it’s not really love that has fallen, it is love that is forced, and in my experience, that kind of love is very bad for the soul.

We want what we want when we want it. Yes, I said that right. Read that sentence twice if you need to. It’s true, huh? One of life’s many paradoxes is just that. We want to be in control of everything, but we also want to have given the control to someone else. We look at the bad and the negative when we are down instead of looking at the happy, sweet, positive. We get stuck on one thing, fester in it, and make a huge deal out of it, when it was really very small and insignificant to begin with. We talk ourselves into things, using the magnificent powers of our minds, we can trick and fool ourselves into believing things that are utterly and completely ridiculous. Why all the unneccessary torture?

In quick conclusion to my free write here, if I’m picking apart my heart, soul and mind tonight, trying to learn something, just one thing about myself here, it’s that I believe that I… love people so much… that it’s very hard… for me to… let someone go. Especially if they have been close to me in the way of sharing love, time and our lives. I’ve always been very good to my friends and lovers. Yet I have never chosen to be with someone who is similar to me in that aspect. They say to treat others the way you wish to be treated. I have practiced this, and I continue to practice this to this day… yet, (shaking my head) I have such a painful past in the love department. My fault, yes. Other fault, kind of… but I had the choice to leave, or change, at any point. Why I stick around? It’s hard for me to go on, with the belief that someone is just hurtful, for no other reason, that to hurt another. I’ve psychologically broken these situations down, and I have made peace with my understandings of why people do some of the things they do…

I have today, all of this wisdom from relationships past, and I use the imprints of these memories to live today.

Love is, so confusing.

Love is something that I’ve written about my whole life, and yet, I still don’t understand it very much.

Love also changes, as we change.

Something to think about…

J. Lefever

Tryst Thought: Like the electric river that runs through the canyon, I have thoughts that are alive, running through the world of my very own mind.

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Losing All My Focus – A free Write

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Losing all my focus…   (A Free write) (01/30/13)

 How do I get back to ME.. the ME that I’m so desperately trying to become.. I feel like I’m completely off-balance!

 Things have been hard this past week. I have really been feeling the hole in my heart, the place where my little brother, who was 6’6” and not little at all but always made me feel safe and protected, used to be. I hate to even type those words and have to stare at them on the screen because that makes them just that much more real. I miss him… it hurts so bad… these words do this feeling I’m suffering from absolutely no justice. None.

 Pain is certainly immeasurable. You just can’t measure a persons pain. My mom thinks she is suffering the worst, then my dad thinks that he had the most pain, and then there is me, who cries all the time for her kid brother, partner in life who is gone, and I think that my pain is the greatest, I think I have lost and am suffering the most. The truth is, we all are. It’s all painful for all of us.. and it’s making us all a little crazy. All i our own little ways, but we……. are helpless……. we can’t……. bring our Dave back……. This is killing me.

 I don’t write this tidbit for sadness and sympathy. Of course, any support is so greatly appreciated, but I do not play the ‘victim’, poor me, feel sorry for me. I hate that shit! In truth, I don’t want the attention… I want my brother back! I want this hole to feel normal again, so I can find my balance! I am so off-balance! I work a full-time job, I write on Tryst, and read a little.. but this week, I’m really struggling with where I am going. I look in the mirror and, question the eyes looking back at me. Of course, I describe my emotions well in my poetic pieces, but life can’t be all poetry! I need to get up and go somewhere…

 That’s just it!

I am searching for some inspiration and motivation and I’m not finding it here. Why? And how do I know this? I know because I have not just lived in one city my whole life. Nope. I have lived in two other places one East & one West. I think I need a relocation… soon… I wonder how Jake will take this when I bring up the subject matter over dinner this evening..? He may say, ‘Again with this Jen.. Whatever you’re searching for is right inside of you. It has nothing to do with your surroundings!’ …

 Something for me to really think about today…

 ~ J. Lefever