Daily Reflection on Tryst – Letting Go of Yesterday

Daily Reflection on Tryst

October 22, 2013

Letting Go of Yesterday …

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Today my thought is simple. I want to remind myself and others while I’m at it, that there is no point in fussing over the past. The past is over and there is nothing you can do about it. How much time have you wasted into fussing over this and that about your yesterday?

Of course I am mainly pointing this advice towards myself today … I have a current situation that has me … quite pissed actually, pissed about some things that happened about a year ago. About a year ago!?!?! How stupid is this then? There is nothing I can do to change these events, there is no amount of time I can spend trying to explain them, or justify them, or rationalize them in any way. The time has passed. The events took place. And I have since moved on from all of it.

These events have consequences though. Those consequences are what I am currently dealing with and thus explain my pissy, fussy, bitter attitude and my sense of regret.

I am reminded on a daily basis right now about my foolishness a year ago … the fact that I listened to my heart instead of my head a year ago … the fact that I majorly sacrificed my safely and well-being for the sake of another a year ago … the face that my life and my parent’s life will be highly affected if this ends badly because of this other person and my inability to remove myself from the situation a year ago … I a reminded on a daily basis that it get me nowhere, ever, loving another person MORE than I love myself!!! If I love another more than I love me, look how much shit I have to deal with … only because I made some serious sacrifices, and excuses for this person.

I am the fool who loved someone else more than I loved my own self and as a result … I am paying for it greatly right now.

But this is still all a pointless waste of my time! And everyone else’s whom I might bother with the banter and conversation about this shit. So, what can I do?

I can think about what I CAN do for my future and to move on with the best outcome and the best results for this situation and these events. Nope, I sure as hell can’t change the past but I can make a difference on what happens today and tomorrow.

So that is what I am doing. Stop with the bullshit fuss about what I wish I would have or have not done a year ago and get on with the best course of action to make my present and my future more pleasant … and make this past situation, end peacefully.

Phew … glad I got that off my chest!! I needed to vent a little!!! Of course, this matter is personal and so I am vague about the what-have-you’s … but that’s my business. I only wanted to reflect here on the pointlessness of fussing over things that have already happened. Put energy into today and tomorrow and you’ll be much better off!!!

Oh, and NEVER love someone else MORE than you love yourself. Period. Ever. Never do that. Because no one will ever love you or have your back as much as you do. People are NOT selfless like that. I learn the hard way when I act selfless towards someone (Someone in particular) That ‘sacrifice’ , whether they say it or not, would most likely never be returned. People are too selfish to put you before them. It makes me sad to think about this reality because it is honestly not how I am. I never feel good when I am acting selfish, so it is hard for me to wrap my head around this ‘loving yourself more’ but it is a powerful truth and wisdom.

I think I need to find a good balance between the two … being selfless still towards others, but still loving myself enough, if not a little more … plenty, or just right! 🙂

I hope you have a great day Tryst Family!! XO – Jen

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Miraculous Me

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Miraculous Me

 

In the break of the morning

A pause in the moment

My mind gathers its thoughts

And I realize my reality

 

I have come so far

From the deepest depths of despair

To the brightest shooting stars

Soul shinning with every step I take

 

Yes, this is all true

I can finally say I’ve done something

I can finally say that I am alive again

Living my life, through and through

 

I think of the battles

Of all the mountains I had to climb

Yesterday was to tougher than most

But I made it, I actually survived

 

I stand in my kitchen

Pouring coffee and making toast

The simplest of routine tasks

Render me quite grateful indeed

 

When you find yourself lost

Inside of your dark troubles

You forget to be thankful

For the little things most people take for granted

 

But miraculous me

Gives thanks for those things

For my battles and victories

For my life and for me…

 

~ J Lefever ~

(05/17/13)

 

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Daily Reflection on Tryst (05/13/13)

Daily Reflection (05/13/13)

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Not Getting A Goodbye

As I move through the stages of grief, I go through many emotional ups & downs. I have been through things in my life that were very hard, some tragic, some self-inflicted, others were influenced by others, things that left deep scars, lies and betrayal, death, but no one as close as my own brother. I have never felt these kinds of emotions, or this level of pain, ever.

In my mind, I go over & over the events of the day my brother was killed. What was he thinking? What was he feeling? What was he doing? Where was he going? And then things about the actual event that took his life… what happened? How can this have even been a real event… it this really real? It is a mental circus… a mental torture in which I can’t even begin to put into words.

Me being such an analytical person, always wanting and needing to know the answers to everything in this world, the ‘not-knowing’ drives me crazy. It drives me crazy and it makes me very angry and it makes me cry and it makes me scream for my brother… All of this, emotion, pours out of me and I’m not the only one. My mother, who has a death certificate for her son. My father, who had to bury his baby boy. We are all changed. We are all broken. We are all damaged. We all have a hole in our hearts. Our lives will never be complete.

Even when we experience moments of joy and happiness… there will always be something, our someone, that is missing…

In my thinking this weekend, I came across the thought that… one of the hardest parts about this is, not getting to say goodbye. Losing my brother the way that I did, was, unceremonial. One minute of the day, and he was just… gone. There was nothing I could do, no where I could go, completely helpless…

 

I hate that I didn’t get to say goodbye…

I didn’t get to tell him I love him…

I didn’t get to tell him any of the million things I have yet to say…

I wasn’t finished…

I wasn’t done making memories with my brother…

 

My life with him was just over, in one second, and I didn’t even get to say goodbye…

 

If you have a sibling, I cannot stress the importance of telling them you love them, every single time you speak. No matter what… tell them you love them…

 

Have a great day Tryst.

 

XOXO ~ Jen’

 

Tryst Thought : Everywhere I go, I carry him with me. But it’s not the same. It is not ever going to be the same…

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Daily Reflection on Tryst (05/06/13)

 

Daily Reflection (05/06/13)

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Bumps in the Road

 

Monday. Mid-day. I have frittata on the brain…. Seriously. I came across this frittata dish with carmalized cauliflower, creme’ fraiche’, paprika, and smoked mozz… of course with eggs and OMG!! My mouth is salivating, for real. Anyway… moving on…

 

How was everyone’s weekend? I sure hope it was great!! Mine was a day short, cause I worked 6 days this week, and yesterday, some classic family drama went down… never a dull moment, huh? I am not going to report the shit storm I went through yesterday, mostly because it’s so ridiculous this time, it’s not worthy of both my time and my words… Anyway… moving on…

 

Today, When I was driving to work, I hit a pot hole in the road. Clunk, clunk.. SHIT! I just got two new tires on my ride… Nothing was wiggling or vibrating, or felt abnormal, so I figured all was just fine. Just hit the pot hole, right? But isn’t that the story of my life? Aren’t I always falling in the pot holes?

 

This reminded me of that story, ‘There is a hole in the sidewalk’, or something like that… you can google it and probably find the story I’m talking about, it’s kinda been around… Or I’ll not be lazy and give you the LINK HERE!! OK! Now we are on the same page…

 

This little story has a really great message. Sometimes we make the same mistakes, even when we know that it can harm us, make things hard, difficult or painful. Yet, for some reason, some things in life are just harder lessons. Some things take falling down a few times before we learn to go the other way. We may repeat a mistake, but eventually, we learn to do the right thing for us. I hope you followed my link to the piece ‘There is a Hole in My Sidewalk’… this is a story that is used often in recovery. In regards to addiction, we fall down a lot before we finally chose the different road…

 

Today, think about the roads you have walked upon in life. How often have you fallen into a hole? How about a hole that you knew was there, yet you fall in it anyway?

 

We kick ourselves when we make foolish mistakes, saying, ‘WTF!! I totally knew better!!’ This is OK. It happens! As long as you hold yourself accountable for your actions & choices, instead of denying them. And if you ever apologize for something, know that if you are really sorry, you try not to do it again! That is the true meaning of being sorry.

 

I hope you all have a super day Tryst!!

 

XOXO ~ Jen

 

Tryst Thought : I know the part that hurts the most when it comes to what I am facing right now with the family… the fact that no one seems to hold themselves accountable for their part of things. I find it hard to wrap my head around the fact that some people really think they have done NO wrong, and even when they have someone standing in front of them, telling them how they have been hurtful, they still stand there and deny having any responsibility to their actions, basically telling me that my feelings are NOT valid… which is a very hurtful thing to say to someone.

 

Oh, and when words get put in my mouth that I NEVER said… that hurts too. I have made this statement before: Just because words come out of someone’s mouth, doesn’t make them true.

 

So, we fall into holes. Learn how to get out of the holes. Maybe fall in them again… but eventually, we get sick of falling and choose a different path.

 

XO

 

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Evening Reflection on Tryst (05/01/13)

Evening Reflection (05/01/13)

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Karma Points

In life… things are not easy. We do not know all the answers. We do not always make the right choices. We screw up, we succeed. We win, we lose. We smile, we frown… we laugh, we cry. Yes, we do all of these things… and so much more!! Our emotions allow us to feel, our minds allow us to think and make choices.

 

Just because we make a mistake, doesn’t always mean the outcome of that mistake is something we didn’t care about. I say this because… in my life, I have made mistakes without even thinking of the outcome!!Sounds silly, I know… but this actually happens a lot. Especially to those people who are really ‘live-for-the-moment’ kinds, those personality types who are more sporadic, maybe braver, chance takers… extremists… yes, that is me.

 

I think that we have karma points. I think that we do get chances. I think that in the cosmic realm of things… the universe and all its infinite higher powers, and elements, knows when people are of a good soul, or of a bad soul. ((Here is where I struggle with the concept that there are really such souls out there that are bad… but at this point in my life… it know this to be true. Even someone I know, and love so much, can have a bad… oh nevermind… )) ANYWAY~ my point is..

 

Take chances. Live your life. Check in with yourself. Understand it is OK to mess up. You are human. You are going to mess things up sometimes! And if you do… don’t ever allow someone, who says they love you, tell you that if you ever mess up they are done with you! (( Like a parent.. or something… ))

 

No one deserves to hear that!! Love is NOT conditional on mess up’s, or anything!! Love, real love, has no rules.

 

I hope the night finds you well!! I hope you all have some good karma points saved up!!

XOXO ~ Jen

 

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Daily Reflection on Tryst (04/30/13)

Daily Reflection (04/30/13)

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You & Your Negativity

 

Hello Tryst Family!! How does the day find you? Wonderful & warm in the sunshine.. I hope!! Things have been very productive for me lately. It is only Tuesday and I am getting so much done this week! I love that feeling of great accomplishment when you know that you, and only you, are responsible for the great things that are happening in your life. It’s a good feeling for sure!!

 

As for the other side of things, well, the trial that is coming up for the person who took my brother from me has been pushed back another few months. There was actually a court appearance last week, but my mother didn’t feel it was important enough to call and tell me. Instead she took her daughter-in-law and her friends to this hearing, while I, her actual daughter and sister to the victim, sat at home, unaware that this event took place. My mother is really good at making me feel like I am not a part of this family. So, as the story continues to go, I have to figure out what is the best for me in my life. I am just too important to myself to not have my best interests at heart.

 

While the tears do fall for the unknown reasons why my mother shuts me out, there are parts of me that feel like I’ll never be enough. I have written on this before. But then I think about my life… my actual life… all the things I’ve done and all the things I am doing… and I realize that it is truly my mothers loss. She is missing out on a fun person in her life, because I am full of that stuff I call soulshine! I am also the spark of positivity that floats around my family… even after all the blah and tragedy. I still try to stay up-beat.

 

Someone said to me, “Your mother should be proud of you for the incredible changes you have made! Your life is completely different!” Maybe this is true… but I can’t force my mother to think things. I am just not that powerful. She thinks what she wants and honestly… she is the most negative piece in my life. I do not have that angry, negative and mean energy from anyone else. As a result, as sad as this makes me, I have to eliminate the negative piece from my life. I just don’t want anything to do with it.

 

Not to mention this gloomy, down in the dumps shit, she throws my past in my face every time I see her! And frankly, I do not live in my past anymore. Not any part of my yesterday is currently my today. I don’t need to defend myself either. I have my integrity at the end of the day, and with each rising sun, I know that I don’t deserve to be put through the emotional roller-coaster she sends me on every other month.

 

I don’t deserve it. I am better than that.

 

My reflection today is on negativity. When you are a negative person, everything in your life sucks. You are blinded from anything good, even when it is staring you in the face! You wake up angry or mad, and everything is just terrible. You certainly don’t like to see people happy and enjoying their lives because there you are, in your rain puddle, complaining about your life and everyone else. Of course, the negative people never hold themselves accountable for why they are always in a crummy mood. It is always someone elses fault. What someone else did or didn’t do. When really, they clearly don’t see that to the rest of the world, they aren’t fooling anyone but themselves. To the rest of the world, we can see that they project their crummy negativity on to others, especially their family and loved ones, when they really need to look in the mirror and realize that they are negative and crummy and it is all their fault. It is not the world around them.

 

It is obvious that a person is negative when they literally ‘fish’ for things to complain about when they should be practicing gratitude for the things they do have. What makes me even more sad and ashamed of people who act like this is when these people ‘preach’ about the exact things they are NOT doing… like being kind, compassionate, supportive, and forgiving… just to name a few… and yes, this directly relates to my situation.

 

(Shaking my head)

 

Life is too short to waste living like this. And if you find yourself alone, you might ask yourself why… if it really is everyone else that is the problem, then why is it YOU are the ONE ALONE? Maybe it’s time to start practicing what you preach, instead of being negative and crummy and pointing a finger.

 

I hope to spread positive things and messages in my life. I don’t walk with the negative because, truthfully, I can’t stand it. And while it makes me sad to have to realize that even my mother is one of those terribly negative elements in my life, I choose to eliminate it because I refuse to put up with the put downs. I just won’t do it anymore.

 

Have a great day Tryst Fam!! If you encounter a negative person… run the other direction!! XOXO

 

~ Jen

 

Tryst Thought : As people, we suffer from addictions. Some are addicted to booze, others pills… some are addicted to sex, or shopping or gambling… but then there are some who are addicted to drama and pain. I believe that there are some people who just do not know how to live happy and enjoy their time. Instead, they spend their whole lives being miserable and making those who they are around miserable too.

 

I am so grateful that I have a heart and soul that is not hooked on drama and pain…

 

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Daily Reflection on Tryst (04/03/13)

Daily Reflection (04/03/13)

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Who Prepares Us For This…?

 

Life.

Learning. Integrity. For. Everything!! L.I.F.E)) Yea, I just made up an acronym!! But I think it sums up where I’m at mentally right now. Integrity. I have a lot of respect for people who have integrity.

 

It is mid-week and I have hit the wall. I have been really good lately, but that sadly came to a screeching halt yesterday afternoon. Now, I’m back to worry & fret, wiggin the EFF out, and some tears of sadness.

 

I have let myself down. Ultimately, I have let myself down. I should have made better choices last summer when I got back to the city, and as a result, I am suffering and paying for my shitty decisions today. My life? Yes, my life is greatly effected. Anyone elses? Well, besides my family, no. I am having a hard time with life right now. I am having a hard time not falling apart today. I am having a hard time not wanting to beat the crap out of someone for the shit storm they bring, the lies, the shitty shit, the countless wrongs that have gone on, and for what?

 

You know, I really am not in the best mental states to be writing right now… at least, not something to be posted or published. So… I am going to try to shut up most of the chatter that is going on in my mind, and heart, right now… and get on with a positive message to leave you all with…

 

Going back to my lil acronym up there… integrity. Integrity is such a good & noble thing to have. You can’t fake having integrity. Your actions ultimately prove whether or not you poses this virtue or not. And for those who are evil & selfish pieces of shit… what goes around, comes around!! Karma is real patient. It watches you. It will find you.

 

Tryst, today I want to reflect on doing the right thing!! I know it feels so much better to be honest & tell the truth, to not have to make up lies, or take things that aren’t really yours. I know it feels good to be a positive, piece of happiness in another’s life… as opposed to the cause of someone’s pain & suffering. It can’t possibly feel good to be the influence of another’s problems. So with all that said… why is it even a question what kind of person you want to be, or want to be around!?!?

So, don’t do people wrong! It will come back to bite your ass off in the end!!

 

Have the decency to make the right choices and NOT cause more pain & suffering to other people.

 

Have some integrity!! Stand up and OWN the shit you do!!

 

Holding yourself accountable for your actions is the mark of an adult with a decent soul. Blaming others is the mark of a coward with a weak soul. Which one would you rather be?

Eventually, people always get what they deserve…

~Jen

 

Tryst Thought : There is a reason why some people’s lives never get any better… sometimes, sadly, there are really people who are just black in the heart. When faced with those kinds of people, you need to learn to just walk away… no matter how much it hurts… because those kinds of people only care about themselves, never you, and will only leave you broken & alone when you have nothing left.

It would mean so much if I could hear certain words,  but we don’t always get what we want, right?

Sadly, it is because of these things in life that I trust no one. People like this have almost completely ruined my ability to trust others. I need to stop writing now… yikes…

 

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