Evening Reflection on Trystღ (03/13/13)

Evening Reflection (03/13/13)

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Unnecessary Cruelness

 Good wishes and bright stars, is what I hope for all of you @ Tryst!! I have had a good day. Not the greatest, but good. It was good. I have been slowly coming back to life, after a short intermission, and I am reminded in the process of all the many blessings I have to be grateful for. It breaks my heart that there is cruelty in the world. I tweeted Mr. Hotspur a few days ago, that if I could, I would do anything and everything to end any & all suffering in the world. My sensitive heart just can’t fathom the things that happen at times. And that said… it is a true statement… I am not a fan of sadness and suffering, for any living thing.

To wrap up my good day, I decided to reach out and send a message to my brother’s wife. This is a person who has been so mean to me. A person who, has never taken a minute to get to know me, and I can even quote her on that as she text me those very words after she told me to not text her again. I sent her a very kind message, letting her know that no matter what, I love her. Even though, for no reason at all, I have received unnecessary cruelness from her. I still take the time to be nice to her, as I have always been, and I always will be.

I understand that my family is hurting. We lost a son, a brother, a husband, a best friend, my partner in life whom I grew up next to… we are all in such pain. In this process, I see no reason for the unnecessary cruelness. Especially to any one of us who has continued to show love, generosity and kindness. And as tears of confusion rolled down my face, I realized that me and that girl are just two very different people. While I would never do certain things, or say things, or be mean and hurtful in those ways, it’s just not who I am. My heart is not built that way. My family knows this. My family knows my heart and that is what is important.

Tonight, I reflect on the diversity in the hearts of people. Some choose to carry mean hatred, and point fingers, and lash out on the kind ones whom they know won’t lash back. Others choose to carry warmth, forgiveness and kindness. Inside our hearts, we know the things we have done. If we have done wrong, whether the whole world knows, or no one was there to see it… we will always know. We will always know inside our hearts what we have done, and whether it was right or wrong. We always know our truths. We can’t lie to ourselves. I get to go to sleep, and close my eyes with a clean conscience.

And I know that karma is always watching me. Karma is also watching and waiting for those who are guilty of unnecessary cruelness.

I hope you have a good night and pleasant dreams. ~ Jen

Tryst Thought: The one who stands pointing a finger with anger in their heart, is the one who will end up suffering the most. They will suffer from self-inflicted unhappiness. And they will have no one to blame but themselves. In the end, kindness always wins. And it’s not a matter of winning and losing, but I believe kindness conquers cruelness… eventually… every single time.

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
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Happy Paralysis

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Happy Paralysis

 I am tired. Tired of feeling this way. Tired of searching for total happiness. Am I on a goose chase? Running around silly stupid, with this empty, black hole in my heart? While the angels try to tell me I’ll never be right? I’m paralyzed, stuck. Trapped in this place. Poetry stuck on repeat, again, redundant… Shall I surrender defeat? I’m so tired of missing him I just want him home, back with us. So, I can smile, be normal, happy again… Instead of paralyzed in… This same old shit I’m feeling within…

~ J. Lefever ~
(02/24/13)

 I am just… so… tired of feeling this way. I get angry at life, why does life have to happen. I don’t want to have to feel any of this. I just want things back to the way they were… the way they were…

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

The Calm Before the Storm

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The Calm Before the Storm

Insignificant, I seem to be

Night arrives, and underneath the silver of the moon

I get lost trying to find

A place that feels like home

Something that is familiar

A voice that brings comfort

She is empty again, they say

Can’t you see

Look how broken she is

Have I come undone?

Underneath the silver of the moon

The air is still

But it is the calm

Before the tragic storm

Raging tears arrive

Like a hurricane of emotion

I have left the stillness of the night

Now drowning in the river

Who took pieces of me away

That crawls through my heart

Further and further from my reach

He is gone

I can’t find him anywhere

He was taken in an instant

Taken like he was nothing

Nothing was the taker

An angel is who he took

Left us in the shadowed memories of what was

To be

I scream for him

I scream his name

Into the silence of the night

Into the calm before the storm

The storm inside my heart

I fight everyday

In the absence of him

He, who was I

The other part of me

Forever in time, we always were

A part of each other

Until a nothing took my no one

From me

Left me

So insignificant because I can’t bring him back

Underneath the silver of the moon

I am the storm

~~ J. Lefever ~~

(01/28/13)

 

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My brother. My best friend. I love you more than all the stars in the sky.

I miss you more than words can say.

I will miss you until my last dying breath…

~ Sis