Mind in the Morning

 

Mind in the Morning

 

Awake

But barely

Eyes not quite in focus

I

Try to find a reason

To make something of my day

But my mind in the morning

Is a blank canvas

Staring back at me

Asking why I ignore it

And why don’t I give it color

 

Sometimes…

I prefer the blank canvas

Because other times

My mind in the morning

Is dripping with sadness

Of the pain

I visit in my dreams

O the things I’ve lost

The love that is confused

Personal dreams that sit idle

A life that is always in question

 

My mind in the morning

Can see what it wants

It knows what happiness looks like

And that happiness

Is far from here

Which is why

In the morning

Even when I am awake

I am not really awake at all

Just moving through the motions

Till the day I can go…

 

J Lefever

(05/18/13)

 

*****

 

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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

 

Daily Reflection on Tryst (04/24/13)

Daily Reflection (04/24/13)

 

 

 

After the Rain…Chasing Your Happiness

Mid-week. Yea.. so it’s wednesday already and the week has been so nutty that I feel beat down and tired as if it was Friday!! I so wish it was Friday… Anyway, today the sun is shinning and the 30 degree, sleeting-freezing rain that we had yesterday, at the end of April like mother nature thinks it’s still freakin winter… or something… is all over!! It’s slightly warm, with blue skies, practically cloudless, and a light lovey breeze. That is my Mid-West weather report for the day…

My reflection today is inspired by a conversation I had last night with my wonderful girlfriend, Hastywords, who I’m giving hella shout-out’s all day here!! She and I were talking about how important it is to wake up in the morning, smile just for you, and do what you gotta do to chase your happiness!!

I have found myself lost, so lost, in the stresses I have facing me that… I am forgetting about all the things I really really want!! I have put my happiness to the side, and that’s what we were talking about… that’s no bueno!! Don’t do that nonsense!!

Do not put your happpiness to the side!!

If you are not happy, really NOT happy on the inside, then you’re gonna have a hell of a time making someone else happy. I know from personal experience because I have been battling a bunch of things and happiness is kind of a joke to me right now, but this is totally and completely my fault, and as a result, the closest person to me has been effected by it.

Remember that you always come first in your life. If your ducks are not in a row, then you find your life elements off balance, and that can throw other things out of whack. For the time you work, also make time for fun and things that are rewarding to all your hard work. If you are all work and no play, your happiness will be a problem area for you.. it has been for me.

So, I am trying to make room, and time, in my life for more fun things, like taking some fun classes, yoga, really writing my book, I mean really writing it.. and seeing friends here in the city. All winter long it has been work, bills, debt, stress, blah blah blah… no wonder my happiness is like, “HEY!! Why have you abandon me??”

I hope everyone is chasing their happiness in life… it is so important to not think that there is all the time in the world, because time is so precious, and it goes by real fast. So go chase your happiness today!!

Have a super great day Tryst Family!! XoXo, Jen

Tryst Thought: There is a certain outlook that another can give you on a situation that you are struggling with. I like to think that I have all the answers… but I got such a good perspective last night from talking with Miss Hasty.. and I am go glad I got her!! Good friends that step up to the plate when you are down are not the kind of frienships you get in everyone. So cherish those who have your back… and by all means, have their backs when they need you!!

Karma – What goes around, comes around… you will get what you sow!!

LOVE!!

♥

 *****

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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One Two Three

  

One, Two, Three

 

I am a complicated spirit

Yet, I find in all my philosophy

I am more definable than most

I am not ordinary, or boring, or standard

I was built with many colors

I have things that can spark a flame

Resulting in an emotional fire

Yes, my deepest feeling can burn me badly

I feel things more intensely inside

I get quite lost and curious of

Those who don’t seem to feel at all

 

I can be a million smiles

The most joyous soul you see all day

This happiness is energy in me

Visible to those who come my way

 

But if my path, in the course of my day                  

Crosses with something that causes me pain

Inside it hits me like a million blades

Damaging my heart like a hurricane rain

 

Then there is the side, I keep tucked far away

The side that I protect from anyone but me

It’s sensitive and sweet, but dark and broken

It’s the side that I don’t let anyone see…

 

That, I feel, is my one, two, three

And even though the energy may shift

I understand the moments I experience

As I believe they are my virtuous gifts.

 

~ J. Lefever ~

(04/19/13)

*****

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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

 

 

 

Creating Illusion ~ Tryst Update

Creating Illusions ~ Tryst Update

 

There was a time when the world was my oyster.

That time seems so long ago.

I was a vibrant youth, running around the world.

Alive, with every breath I swallowed up joy.

Then life happened and everything changed.

The world turned grey and things I love went away.

Now I’m grown, but I’m broken inside.

Most days I feel invisible.

There was a time when I thought I’d never know sadness.

I must have been fooling myself.

Sadness came and it won’t seem to leave.

 

The world is full of many things.

That is the wisdom… right there

It is pretty some days, and dull the next

There is sadness here, as well as joy

There are rainbows for every storm cloud

Tears for pain and laughter for happiness.

 

For my invisible days

I ask myself, why am I hiding?

It’s me that creates the illusion of invisibility

Not others…

 

********

 

I can’t always explain why certain emotions come & go. There are just reasons beyond other people’s understanding… and that is OK! Not everyone is supposed to understand why my heart cries…Just as I should not UNLOAD all my tears onto others.

 

I have a very good life. I have a very normal life. I am a good person, like most of us… But, my life is different & unique, as each one of our lives are. It is mine. There are a couple of things that I have going on in my life that are, quite ridiculous. But no matter how much I despise them, I have no choice. Just gotta get through them. These are the things that can bring me down a little because I know I’m quite honestly ‘too-good’ to be going through this shit… but still, life sure doesn’t discriminate, does it?

 

Sometimes, being alone is a really good/healthy thing for the soul.  ((I try to tell my husband this, but he doesn’t like to hear it. He doesn’t like to be alone at all!)) He doesn’t understand why I pack up my car and go to my lake house to get away and just be alone. I NEED to be alone with my thoughts. To clear my head. To listen to my heart.

 

Only in the space of solitude… do I find true internal peace and reason.

 

♥Jen

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

 

 

 

 

 

Daily Reflection on Trystღ (03/02/13)

Daily Reflection (03/02/13)

Abandoning Your Spark

Hola! Bonjour! Ciao! It’s Saturday, indeed, and the day found me, up late, running around like a chicken without my head.. I must have forgotten to set my alarm this morning because I was dead asleep when my hubby woke me and said that I was late for work!! Sheesh.. Well, I made it in, late, but I made it to work. My whole week has been off. For real… I feel like I’ve been on another planet! Wishing I was in the South of Florida, or even better, in the South of France, on a beach in St. Tropez.. oh to dream… to dream…

Anyway, I have been so focused on this ‘Seasonal Dread’, seasonal depression, that has been affecting me greatly, I have forgotten all about the fantastic things that make me spark! You know, the things that are just unique to your character? I have completely abandoned my spark!! Oh No!!

Sometimes, when we get overwhelmed by something that seems to plague us more than usual, we can quite easily lose focus on other important things that we need to remember. Life is all about having a good balance. We can’t be all or nothing here!! That makes no sense!! Think about it: for the time we work, we need to rest, for the time we rest, we need to have fun, for the time we have fun, we need to eat and nourish our bodies, for the times when we are lazy, we need to also get up and exercise… See my point here?

Balance.

How can we stay balanced in our lives, so that we maintain a healthy life all together? I know, as is all advice, that it’s easier said than done. Right, so true!! But here I’ve been, stuck down in my hole, trying to figure out what my problem is, and decipher the secret codes to ‘Seasonal Dep, Whatever…’ Sad, my ass!! Yes I’m sad, it’s all I’ve been focusing on and feeding, is my freakin sadness!! I lost my positive spark that I carry around so proudly on my cheek!! I love my spark!! That spark is me!! Where did my happy-positive go? Where did I leave my lil spark..

Finding my spark was easy. I just asked for it, and POOF there it was..

Sometimes, recognition is all you need. Recognize the problem, and move towards fixing it.

Today, practice some balance!!

Feed your spark, not your sadness!!

And, have a great Saturday Tryst family.. ~ Jen

Tryst Thought: Life is pretty dull without your own personal sparkle!!

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Evening Reflection on Trystღ (02/24/13)

Evening Reflection (02/24/13)

 

Slap Happy

Buenos Noches Tryst Familla!! It is bitter cold here!! Burr!! And just like that, in the blink of an eye, the weekend is over. Time goes by so fast, I mean, faster & faster everyday it seems!! I was out shopping for food yesterday afternoon and the cashier at the market looked at me and said, ‘Can you believe it is almost March!?’  I looked at her and shook my head. Seriously, where does the time go?

This really got me thinking… (Nah, me thinking? I know, I know, I’m always thinking… and stressing, for that matter… stressing more than thinking, so…) I guess I should say, this really got me stressing, stressing about my life!! I need to get some serious motivation here because time is slipping away, my life is getting further along every minute, and I’m not working hard enough on the things I have planned for myself. When I say this, it gets me depressed, and frustrated with myself, and to be honest, I’m in a really good mood tonight!! So, while I entertain these thoughts, I’ll push them to the side for now and think about realistic things. This means, not getting overwhelmed looking at the whole picture, but small steps that will get me to the place, and the things, I want for myself. Yep. Small steps, small goals… be realistic Jen…

Back to the slapping of the happiness. Have you ever heard the term ‘Slap happy?’ Well, it’s like when you are suddenly surged with this instantaneous burst of happy energy!! I got me some slap happy tonight!! It just came out of nowhere!! I got a boost of feel good and I’m smiling and my husband is looking at me like I did something bad!! (Ha-ha) Sometimes, when I drink wine, I get the slap happy, but that’s induced by the kind of buzz that is associated to wine. (Different kind of buzz compared to other kinds of alcohol, I think) Anyway, since I’m not sipping on a Chablis or Chardonnay right now, I conclude that I got a boost of natural slap happy!! And what’s so wrong with that? 🙂

Tonight, as the weekend ends, and I have thoughts swimming in my mind about the fast-moving pace of time, which is something we all have to live with, and something that none of us can stop, control or change, I;m slapped in the face with the reality that I’m not getting any younger. Obviously. And I have some serious unfinished business to attend to.

I saw a movie on TV earlier, something my husband was watching, about a crew who worked on a sail boat. Boats are a serious passion of mine. My grandpa was a Merchant Marine in WW2, and his love for boats was passed on to me. He had me at 2 years old, sitting on his lap, while he drove his boat around the big lake. I have loved boats ever since then. Well, I’ve sailed on the ocean, and this movie was another reminder of just how much I desire living on the ocean… and yes, having a beautiful boat!!

When you know what you want, you know what you need to do to get it. The way I see it is, I’m lucky to know what I want in my life. That’s half the battle right there!! There are people still trying to figure that out, trying to find what their heart desires. Well, I’m grateful to know my desires. I need to work harder on my motivation and doing what I need to get there. Indeed Jen…

Tonight I reflect on these things:

1. Slap happiness can come from other things, not just alcoholic beverages.

2. Time is slipping away, so get on it!

3. Knowing your hearts desires is half the battle.

4. Motivation is the only thing that will get me moving towards those desires!

5. Get on it! I’m not getting anywhere sitting on my ass talking about it…

I hope this slap of happiness doesn’t keep me up all night…

Have a great night Tryst Family!! ~ Jen

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Happy Paralysis

Happy Paralysis

 I am tired. Tired of feeling this way. Tired of searching for total happiness. Am I on a goose chase? Running around silly stupid, with this empty, black hole in my heart? While the angels try to tell me I’ll never be right? I’m paralyzed, stuck. Trapped in this place. Poetry stuck on repeat, again, redundant… Shall I surrender defeat? I’m so tired of missing him I just want him home, back with us. So, I can smile, be normal, happy again… Instead of paralyzed in… This same old shit I’m feeling within…

~ J. Lefever ~
(02/24/13)

 I am just… so… tired of feeling this way. I get angry at life, why does life have to happen. I don’t want to have to feel any of this. I just want things back to the way they were… the way they were…

 

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Daily Reflection (01/24/13)

 

Daily Reflection (01/24/13)

 

Sugar

 

We are all human, right? Which means we are imperfect people in an imperfect world. Which means not everyday is going to be smooth for us. There will be bumps along the way, potholes to avoid, or fall into if you’re anything like me, and things that may test our patience and possibly cause us to lose our ‘cool’. Well, in times like these, I try as hard as possible to remember that feeding into my frustration &/or anger will only make things that much worse. I try to remember that when dealing with an angry person, not to be angry back. In these situations you get much more with a little sugar than you do with salt. Angry peeps have a short fuse already, so try a smile and some sweet politeness when dealing with someone who is not having the best of days! 🙂

 

I find that if I am the impatient person who isn’t having the best day, and I come across a person who, has complete disregard for my bad mood, and is smiling and happy and positive, it makes it that much harder for me to be cranky! Smiling is contagious!

So try to smile through out the day today, even if you hit a pothole or two, or run into an angry person while you’re out & about.. be nice & sweet, give them some sugar and see how much more receptive they are to that instead of bitter salt!

 

Have a beautiful day! ~ Jen

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Happily Ever After

 

When I was little I loved it when my mom or dad read me books. I’d sit in my dads lap and hear him read the story. I had a few very special favorite books but those moments were all very special to me. No matter what book I picked to have dad read to me, I could always count on him finishing the story with those words that made me happy & comforted to hear, “…and they lived happily ever after.”
When I was young, before much of my life became complex and complicated, I thought that in the end, everyone lived happily ever after. Those six little words held such a big expectation. That finishing thought that children’s books and my parents gave my little innocent mind, made me smile and made me happy and ready to live, grow and embrace life. I loved story time with my dad and I loved the sweet thought that no matter what happened in the book, everyone will live happily ever after.

It is the last day of 2012. I look back over the last twelve months and I am grateful to have survived this year. Of all the years of my life, today marks the end of the very hardest of any year I’ve had in my life. This year was a year of great loss. I lost a lot of time, and I lost my brother. Two things that I cannot ever get back, no matter what I do. This year, I watched myself fall down harder than ever before. For six months of this year, I lost my freedom. But through these losses, here at year-end, I do have things that I am grateful for…

I have learned some valuable things this year. (I say this smiling… because these wisdom’s that I have acquired are so important to me and through learning these things, I have truly found my spirit again and made peace with lots of things in my life, in my past, and I am not only living free, living well, and living my life again, but I am living free of guilt, resentments, and regret. Yes. I have made peace with my spirit, and it feels so good.) A few of the most important things that I have learned this year are; the value of time. Time is so precious, use it well because you never get it back. I have learned that forgiveness starts within. Until I forgave myself for the things that I have done, real healing couldn’t begin. Today, I know how to forgive much better than before. I have learned that love is the greatest gift you can give yourself, and another. And it is the greatest gift anyone can give you. So, today, I not only live wisely, but I love wisely as well.

It is the very last day of the year and I sit here thinking about the things that don’t make sense. Why is my brother not here. Is he in heaven? Can he hear me? Is heaven real.. is it beautiful? I have to tell myself that maybe I’m not supposed to know those things. I’m not ready for those answers yet. And when the tears fall for Dave, when I can’t stop thinking of him and how I need to hear his voice so badly, when I think to myself, how can I live my life without my life partner? My brother, I grew up with him. We were always there for each other. People come and go, but my brother always had his sis and I always had my bro. What am I going to do now…? …I tell myself that I will get to see him again someday…just not today…my time here is not finished. I think that I’ll always cry for my brother…those tears will never stop.

On the last day of the year I think about my dad and how he read to me and Dave when we were little. …”and they lived happily ever after…”, I can still hear his voice. What will I make of the next twelve months? I can say with some confidence that, this year will be better than the last. Nothing will ever be as painful as losing my brother, so I know that this year, I can only go up, move forward, and keep on living. I know that, sadly, not everyone lives ‘happily ever after’, in fact, few do… but there is hope. What can I do this year to make my life really great? (…I start to smile again…)

This year… I will live. I will love. I will move forward. I will choose wisely. I will remember the things that have taught me great lessons, and the things that make my soulshine.

This new year… is the first year of the rest of my life.

I say goodbye to 2012. Close my eyes. And when I wake up, I know exactly what I’m going to do. I know that I probably won’t live happily ever after, but I can sure as hell try.

🙂

~ Jen Lefever

 …and she lived as happily as she allowed herself to be…