Whispers … (Revisited)

This is something I wrote some time ago for my Soul to Shine space. Tryst is, and will always be, my main blog writing space with the most content and the deepest looks into my truths and my realities … but I created my little Soulshine space for the little pieces with a BIG meaning.

The history and story of what Soulshine is to me and how it came about in my life is something that I have not really shared in great detail. For those who know me, understand what Soulshine is just by knowing me and how my energy works. I am alive in my heart, I am alive in my spirit and everywhere I go, I am a giver and sharer of my Soulshine. I honestly can’t imagine being any other way … and why would I? This is who I am.

Sometimes fewer words have a much bigger impact. That is what you will find in Soul To Shine.

Here on Tryst, I write much more …

I cut and paste this little bit because it suddenly POPPED up in my notifications the other day, and as I said, I wrote it some time ago. This little notification brought me to this piece and I read through it.

This was a Free Write. And one of my favorite Free Writes. So I wanted to share it here … because, well, because I just did.

I hope it reaches someone … anyone … even just one single soul … and they enjoy reading the words as much as I did when writing them.

XoXo

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Whispers

…she is the moon, up in the sky… she becomes the stars, when you make her cry… her music sings painful melodic blues, telling of times when she had felt used… when you hear her whispering words in the air, listen closely to what you hear… she is telling you that the world can be cold, but you can still have love that is warm to hold… she will tell you that pain will make you stronger, by giving you wisdom to living longer… she will tell you to be aware of all of your time, because time is short and you can’t rewind… she will tell you that yesterday has come and gone, don’t live in the past, it’s a truthful song… she whispers that love is the ultimate gift, to have, to hold, to give, and to wish… so love with your heart, and let your soul shine on through, and never, ever, stop being true to you…

 …Jen Lefever

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  ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Daily Reflection on Tryst (05/13/13)

Daily Reflection (05/13/13)

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Not Getting A Goodbye

As I move through the stages of grief, I go through many emotional ups & downs. I have been through things in my life that were very hard, some tragic, some self-inflicted, others were influenced by others, things that left deep scars, lies and betrayal, death, but no one as close as my own brother. I have never felt these kinds of emotions, or this level of pain, ever.

In my mind, I go over & over the events of the day my brother was killed. What was he thinking? What was he feeling? What was he doing? Where was he going? And then things about the actual event that took his life… what happened? How can this have even been a real event… it this really real? It is a mental circus… a mental torture in which I can’t even begin to put into words.

Me being such an analytical person, always wanting and needing to know the answers to everything in this world, the ‘not-knowing’ drives me crazy. It drives me crazy and it makes me very angry and it makes me cry and it makes me scream for my brother… All of this, emotion, pours out of me and I’m not the only one. My mother, who has a death certificate for her son. My father, who had to bury his baby boy. We are all changed. We are all broken. We are all damaged. We all have a hole in our hearts. Our lives will never be complete.

Even when we experience moments of joy and happiness… there will always be something, our someone, that is missing…

In my thinking this weekend, I came across the thought that… one of the hardest parts about this is, not getting to say goodbye. Losing my brother the way that I did, was, unceremonial. One minute of the day, and he was just… gone. There was nothing I could do, no where I could go, completely helpless…

 

I hate that I didn’t get to say goodbye…

I didn’t get to tell him I love him…

I didn’t get to tell him any of the million things I have yet to say…

I wasn’t finished…

I wasn’t done making memories with my brother…

 

My life with him was just over, in one second, and I didn’t even get to say goodbye…

 

If you have a sibling, I cannot stress the importance of telling them you love them, every single time you speak. No matter what… tell them you love them…

 

Have a great day Tryst.

 

XOXO ~ Jen’

 

Tryst Thought : Everywhere I go, I carry him with me. But it’s not the same. It is not ever going to be the same…

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I am not your Puppet ~ Tryst Update

 
 
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I am not your puppet ~ Tryst Update
 
This evening is the end of a very long day. This evening wraps up a very long week. This week has been very very productive, I must say! I am sitting here, thinking about all that I got done this week, and I gotta pat myself on the back! Good job Jen! I was busy and organized and got all my responsibilities done! Good feeling to have, especially when you have a mountain of things in front of you… that I do… along with emotional roller-coasters, and psychological abuse from the fam… it is a lot to handle all at once!!
 
Sometimes there are personalities who are very strong. There are personalities who are very smart. The intelligent and the wise don’t always use their wisdom in the best of ways… sometimes, that wisdom is used to manipulate others. ((Note, a stupid person can’t really manipulate others… it takes a certain kind of mind, a certain level of intelligence to be able to do this)) ((Also note, most addicts do a lot of manipulating… addicts, contrast to popular stereo-type, can be very smart. So, we do have the knack, the ability, the mind power to manipulate others to get things, or to believe things, whatever))
 
I have done my share of this exercise. Manipulation. I am not proud of it. But because I have done it, because I have practiced it, because I have somewhat succeeded in it, because I have almost obtained a PhD in it… that means I can recognize when it is being done to me. Yep. I said it.
 
You know the saying, ‘You cannot bullshit a bullshitter’ ? It is common sense. You cannot fool a fool… you can’t manipulate a manipulator!! It just cannot be done!! Sure, you can try. Go on! Give it your best shot! But I guarantee that you will be caught, it won’t work, your little plan of trickery will not go through because you can’t pull one over on someone who knows how to do the very same thing.
 
I think I’ve made my point here…
 
What is my next point then…? It is obvious that I am going through some things… I mean, I have some ducks in a row… but they are not lined up in perfect unison, yet… I still have some hurdles and some work to do… but I still have a whole life in front of me. What about the ducks then? I have some good ducks and I have some ducks that may wander, or fall down, or go swimming in the pond when I didn’t say it was ok… ((HAHA, I have totally gotten off on this duck thing, but I have a point.. I promise))
 
What I’m trying to say, what I’ve said before, is that in life, nothing is ever fucking finished, perfect, happy ending… there is always going to be something you face, have to deal with, are working on, get forced into… whatever!! Some things are not your choice. Changes happen that you do not orchestrate. Those changes are fucking uncomfortable!! But, we have to deal with them.
 
Some of my ducks are crossed right now because I am not only grieving the loss of my brother, who was taken from my life last June, but since this tragedy took place, my family has just broken to pieces. As a result, I pretty much have been forgotten about. It’s almost as if Dave and I died at the same time. I could be invisible, and nothing would matter… this is a very painful reality for me right now.
 
I guess my evening ramblings here are to empty my mind of some things… Above, I say I’m not a puppet because I am the one who controls the things, the atmosphere, the people, and the activity in my life. I know that my family is hurting right now, with the loss of one of our four, but even though I am the sibling that is left, I am no one’s puppet. No one should be telling me what to do, or how to feel, or using manipulation to make me feel like my feelings are wrong. Not validating someone’s feelings is emotional abuse, and it is very painful, especially coming from a parent or a close loved one. The death of my brother is not an excuse I pull to write pieces or shed tears… it is the most painful thing I have ever felt inside of my heart. And sadly, what has come with it, is two parents who, don’t even know they are doing this but, ignore that I’m here, lash out, take their pain out on me, look at me like they are angry that I’m the one here… all kinds of shit that sucks… and then use manipulation to tell me that I am selfish for things, like when I get completely left out of important family events, things that are important enough for my mother to invite a friend… but not me, not her forgotten daughter… In their grief, they have abandon the one they have. Which I have been told by my therapist, is quite common. When a family, when two parents lose a child, sadly sometimes, they get so caught up in their sadness, they forget about the child that is still alive, or they over-compensate with someone else, like a daughter or son-in-law… never in a million did I think I would be in this place… never..
 
Distance.
 
I needed this rant tonight. I need the distance from this place. It is not good for me here. I don’t belong in this city. I will go one day… Yes, one day soon, I will go…
 
For now, I am still holding on…
 
J. Lefever
 

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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
 
 

Through the Dark

 

A Poetic Duet, my first one written with Neeraj, who’s words come alive on the screen. He is an amazing writer! This piece we created together is both dark, and light… with love and pain. It is the best of both worlds, all in one!

 Written by Neeraj & Tryst

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Through the Dark

 

 Draped in the darkest of black silk

I hide behind the light of day
Timeless memories
Haunt the corners of my mind
I am but a ghost among the pulse of the city,
 
Gleaming lights make me blind,
Or is it that nothing I want to see?
Silence of the past,
Shouts in my mind,
Ears can’t take it; I realize when they start to bleed,
 
Running from everything
I thought I knew
Standing in the distance, you
Shadow outlined in the night air
Waiting, anticipating, sensing my haste approach
 
Caressing with your gentle eyes,
Your gaze sensed that I was in trouble,
When everyone used to fade away,
You stretched your hands,
Embraced me as if I was a lost puppy,
 
Moments of my yesterday
Fade away with you in my view
Protect me, save me
Keep me in the light
Away from the misdirected emotion of the night
 
Laughter you allocate in my heart
My smile reaches to the eyes
I am addicted to everything you do
Don’t let me go out of sight
Always love the way you love me
 
In a moment’s time
In the darkest part of the night
It is you and I, alone &  real
Came here to find
The reason our yesterday is ready to heal
 
 
Written by Neeraj & Think. Speak. Tryst
 
Visit Neeraj’s beautiful blog by following the link provided
 
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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 

The Train

This is a short, poetic story about life. A life in change. A life in a pivotal moment. Life is kind of like ridding on a train. As we move forward, the world & scenery will change around us, as we are always in possession of the same soul. Although our souls stay with us where ever we go, it too grows, and learns, and feels, and experiences… 
 
So as we continue to live, how much does the world change? How much do you grow as a result of these external changes? Where is your train headed now? And from what has your life moved on from…?
 
This piece is a duet written by my darling Shruti & myself, Miss Tryst. We hope you enjoy… and take something from it, as we did writing it. Visit A Shade Of Pen to see more from my darling Shruti. I am truly grateful that my life has connected with hers
 
This is a work of fiction

 
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The Train
 
Blinded by a blur
Of many shades of green
With my heart left open
Broken For all to see
Moving forward, not looking back
I am leaving the town
For my next chapter
I boarded the train
Leaving my tears on the street
Looking out beyond what my eyes can see
Something different, time to breathe
I have left happy times behind
I look back at those times
With longingness rooted in my eyes
I loved to be what I was
But, how long could I live in the past
So, bidding goodbye to all regrets
Here, I am walking ahead
I have hopes and yet I am scared
Will a new step take me to places I would love
Or will my soul remain locked in lanes of yesterday?
 
Crushed, like the
Velvet in the seats
I hold my regrets
This one last time
Perplexed by the reality
I am leaving behind
Forgiveness, oh, how I wish
Things could only be so easy
 
As the train pulls me forward
One by one, I release my memories
Looking out the window
I touch my finger tips to the cold glass window
With the blur of the world
Moving behind the palm of my hand
Back and forth in time I go
 
As the train lurches me forward
I try hopelessly to free myself from the shackles of yesterday
Tomorrow a new sun will rise
And with it, the endless nights would end
Unaware of what my future would be, I can’t help but smile
Because the thrill of a new ride
Was always enough to keep me alive
Finally, I have reached a new land
As I step down, I am amazed at the view
So many things are same… and yet they all feel so new
 
Looking ahead
Elements surrounding me
Laughing at my fear of yesterday
Embracing the fact that
I am here for a reason…
 
I am here for a reason…
Leaving you with things left, still
To the imagining mind.
 
Written by Shruti & Tryst
 
To see this piece on A Shade Of Pen, follow the link provided
 
*****
 
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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
 
 

Evening Reflection on Trystღ (04/05/13)

Evening Reflection (04/05/13)

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Mind Walks

Happy evening to you. I hope the night finds you all well. I have had a day, quite busy, in my mind. When I spend a lot of time thinking, I call them mind walks. You know, we go outside and take walks… So, when I think a lot, I relate it to my mind walking around in the space of thought, philosophy, life… what makes us us. We are all so different, beautiful and unique. I am such a people person. I’ve always found the mind and soul such interesting gifts we are all given…

Tonight, I’ve been thinking of the scars we have. Not physical scars, like those from injury or accidents. But the scars we get deep down inside.

Life takes us places, shows us things, and gives us moments that leave ever lasting impressions. Impressions, scars, memories, nightmares, even traumatic events unfortunately take place and no matter what we do, or how old we get, or how much time goes by, or any & all the things we do to heal, forgive and/or forget… we still carry the scars on our hearts & souls.

These scars have an impact on the way we handle things in our future. We may have trust issues, or we may develop fear in certain situations because of past events. Our past is what we compare our present and future experiences with, because it is what we have literally already lived through.

I have some scars on my heart. Quite a few, to be truthful. I was wondering, the other day, if even though I am aware of these scars, and even though I have worked through so much, and even though I am in such a good place with myself… I wonder if I still suffer from these scars?

I can’t tell anyone how to heal. We all heal differently. Through my experiences, I can talk about how I got through them and relate to others in similar aspects, but I understand that we all need different things. I don’t think that one person has all the right answers for everyone. (This is why I have a hard time with psychologists who tell people how to heal. Unless the actual person giving the advice has been through it, how can they possibly know how it feels and how to possibly alleviate the suffering?)

My reflection is this: Scars on the heart and soul are deep and real. If we have them, it is important to recognize them and try to nurture them the best way you can for yourself. Don’t let anyone tell you that your pain is not real, or valid. No one gets to tell you how you feel!!

I hope you all have a great night Tryst Fam.

XoXo ~ Jen

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Another Day to Breathe

Another Day to Breathe

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Eventually

The storm subsides

The waters run calmly

Back to the way

They were before

Returning us to

Serenity of the world

 

I find myself here

 

Storms in the wild

Are like storms of the soul

They come on

Sometimes out of nowhere

Yet, others

Are more predictable

If we listen to the

Warnings of our heart

 

I can hear my heart beating faster

 

Our minds & our souls

Are in rhythm with

These elements

Thunder crashing

Rain pouring down

Winds whipping everything about

Just like our emotions

In a storm of the heart

 

Our souls rain too

 

Cleansing of the spirit

Washing away

Dirty residue

Of the pain we feel

Through out the course

Of our lives

 

My soul has seen many storms

 

Moments can come

They can hurt so bad

Seeing our way through

With progress

Not perfection

Strengthens our lessons

Even just a little

Giving us a reason

To wake up to see

Another day

 

I am awake for the moments of my life

 

Defeat is in the way

We look at our victories

How did I come to

Speak my words

On this very day

Through perseverance

Courage & conviction

 

I never gave up, you see

 

That is how I get to breathe another day

 

~ J. Lefever ~

(03/25/13)

 

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication