ღ Heart Drops ღ

 
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Heart Drops
 
 
 Suck in a breath
I choke for air
My heart drops to the floor
 
***
There is rain all around
Thunder deafens my ears
I’m down on the floor
I’ve been down for years
 
***
I can’t feel my fingers
Legs don’t seem to work
Pointless to call for help
Take this pain, it hurts
 
***
Don’t know where to run
I’ve been running for so long
I Can’t see the sun
Nothing feels like love
 
***
Wind hits my face
Bitter cold dose of reality
Bad always comes in numbers
I pretend I’m somewhere else
 
***
Fighting for the kindness
Losing the battle everyday
Family is a four letter word
I’ve got no reason to stay
 
***
You finally win
My tears fall from my eyes
Broken heart drops to the floor
Never to beat, anymore
 
~J. Lefever~
(05/09/13)
 
*****
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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
 
 
 
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All That Remains

All That Remains

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A moment in time

Words are like thunderstorms

The exchange we make

In attempt only to poison another

What does that say

About the people we are

When we seek to sabotage

Hurt and drown

Someone we love?

It comes like a thousand knives

I can’t shake the feeling

Up all night with anxiety

Dripping in your

Painful exchange

Falling asleep with swollen eyes

Tears of exhaustion

Finally put me to rest

But a troubled sleep it is

With your words in my mind

Trying to open your eyes

To the way things have become

Still

You come at me like

I am your enemy

May I remind you

I am only a piece of you

Your heart made mine

So why are you breaking it

apart

We have suffered a great loss

It is hard to keep going

Made even harder

With your anger choking us

Once there was unity

Now we stand divided

When all that remains

Is the anger we hide in

What do we have left

Am I the only one trying

To keep us in light

And live instead of dying

But then comes a new sun

And your words pierce my heart

Inside I am still crying

Because we are falling apart

~ J. Lefever ~

(04/26/13)

*****
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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Broken Bridges

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Broken Bridges

 

What we were

Can’t shake the feeling

What we’ve done

Our bridge is now broken

Silence now between us

Whispers words unspoken

It’s not us

Broken trust

Tainted lust

We stand

In the dust

Left far behind

Said too much

Bleeding

Can’t rewind

Bridge has fallen

Shaking as we

Walk across

Daring to find

Some Peace of mind

As we are

Left far behind

The ‘Us’ we once were

Trust we once shared

Too much to take

Does either of us even care?

 

~J. Lefever~

(04/23/13)

 

 

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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 

House of Blues

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House of Blues
 
Etched in the cobblestone streets
Were years of forgotten stories
Mine may be lost already
Lost in the nothingness we call
Yesterday
But forever I will remember this nothing
As I was everywhere the light touched, I
Became the night air
At night, you could hear the trumpets
On the streets of the surrounding place
Hopeful souls would come to hear
And get lost in the darkness of the Jazz
I sat at my window sill
On the nights they made their music
Never distracted by the other noises
Of life
Not when the Blues crept its way
Through the night air
To reach me, only me
Awaiting at my window
Underneath the star sprinkled sky
Midnight at its finest
The trumpets sang about my sadness
All the reasons my tears fell
All the way down, to the cobble stone streets
But that’s just how the music hits me
Right in the center of my soul
Tender notes and beautiful words
Penetrate my innocence
Reminding me how breakable I actually am
Telling me that no one dares to try
To understand, even see
The reasons why my tender heart bleeds
So I get lost inside the Blues
At night, with the trumpets
I become the Blues
Infinite sensitivity
My own melancholy madness
Music take me away
As my tears fall like rain
Tiny droplets, pieces of me
Cleansing my soul to the sound
Of painful music
As I sit and memorize
What it feels like inside
To be in The House of Blues
Without ever having entered it at all
 
♪  
 
~J. Lefever~
(04/19/13)
 
*****
 
 
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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

identify

identify

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If only one

word to tell

I watch you by

I, identify you

there, in the wake

of my eye

I’ll follow you

until time

is no more

defeated by you

once, you stand

at my door…

 

~J. Lefever~

(04/09/13)

 

I wrote this yesterday… these words came to me, somehow, as I drove down the street… I scribbled them onto a piece of paper, and I’ve been staring at them trying to decipher what they mean… why this chain of words came to me, in the midst of my day… yesterday…

 

********

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 

Love Bites ~ Tryst Update

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Love Bites ~ Tryst Update

Wednesday. I’m at work. My life keeps on going… whether I like it or not. I’m not really sure how much more I can handle. Yesterday was really tough. I haven’t spoken to anyone about the events of yesterday, yet… I am kind-of going over things in my mind.

 

Yesterday I was reminded of some truths and wisdom’s:

 

“No one gives a real shit about you, except yourself.”

“Watch your own back. No one is going to do it for you.”

“Just because you hold yourself accountable for mistakes in life, doesn’t mean other people will.”

“It is much easier to point a finger at someone else.”

 And…

“People can be a real disappointment.” …Even the ones we love the most. When we realize that what we would do for them, far surpasses what they would ever do for us.

 

I can sit here and tell myself, oh, if it wasn’t for this, or that, or that person, I would never be in this situation. (( I know I am being very vague here, but I need some discrepancy, at least for the time being. )) But that kind of thinking is really unproductive. Yea, other people play a part in things, sometimes a real BIG part. And I doubt when times are tough, that those people want to admit they are responsible for some of the grief, or responsible for some of the suffering that another is going through. Who likes to admit they have played a part in fucking up someone’s life? I sure would feel really-stinkin-bad if I were a certain someone in my life right now… but that’s just me. My heart knows right from wrong. I have screwed up many things in my life, but I still know when I’m responsible for something. Which gets me to my point…

 

I can’t sit here and be mad at someone else. Sure, when I think back on the years, my life got really shitty there for a while, and it was half me, half them. They got the luckier/easier end of the stick, I didn’t. I did not have any of these problems before this person came into my life, so the proof is right there. There is nothing to argue about.

 

No one really prepares you for some things in life. My dad tells my that my heart is so good, kind & sensitive that it is not always a good thing. Sometimes, having a heart that cares like I do, I find myself suffering a lot more than I should because the inability to tell people to FUCK OFF and GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE. My dad is right. I have a very hard time saying that to people… most especially if I have a love for them, any kind of love, makes it that much harder.

 

I sit here and hear the words, over & over in my mind, “The only one who really cares about me is me…”

 

Today, Tryst family, I am reflecting on what is really best for myself. I have lost a lot in the last three years. A lot. What does my future look like if I don’t make some serious changes… There are too many things I want to do… Why the hell would I sacrifice anything in my life? …I shouldn’t have too… (More on this in my Daily Ref. )

 

Always have your BEST interests at heart!! DON’T sacrifice anything for anyone!! Trust me, life is short, and no one is worth it. (( I take that back… there are good people out there who are worth it, but they are few and rare… ))

 

I hope the day finds you all well Tryst Peeps. As for me, I have a life to think about. (( I hope this made any sense… I feel like I just went on a rant… but, even I, need a rant every once & a while! Life is hard!! People suck!! I have a right to rant, if I want, right? ))

 

~ Jen

 

Tryst Thought : How many times must my heart-break? I don’t know if I can keep defending someone who I know has done me wrong. I need not have to explain the words on this page either. For any intelligent person, this should be understandable. 

 

When you love someone, you don’t create more complications for them. You don’t throw them under the bus, and their well-being, even their freedom, just for your own selfish needs and problems. That is not love. That is not love at all.

 

 

*****
 
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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Still, I Am Nothing

Still, I Am Nothing ~ A Painful Piece of Reality

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Walk somewhere with me…

 

I pick up the sand

It runs through my fingers

Like time

The time I was there

Seems like someone elses life

Completely…

Certainly not mine

 

Who am I trying to be?

 

I’ll run with the horses

In the fields far away

This land is their playground

We just get in the way

Let me play

Just today

For a while

 

Where am I headed?

 

She said I was going

Nowhere

And that I was always

Quite the mess

A Hopeless waste of space

Running around this place

It was true, maybe

I don’t fit anywhere

 

Why do I try?

 

He told me in his words

That no matter what

I’d never succeed

I’ll never be good enough

Never will he be proud

I’m just no good

I’m just not smart

Why give me a chance

Or hope

When there is no hope for me

I’ll never be anyone

That he thinks I should be

 

Why do I still seek his approval?

 

Times like these

Is when I cry the most

Run the fastest

Hide the furthest away

From the world,

And the sunlight

From me and everything else

Trying to numb the

Pain inside

Of never being enough

Of anything

For my dad

 

Why am I not enough?

 

~ J. Lefever ~

This piece is a part of me that I’ve carried for years. My whole life, really.

I almost didn’t post it. I almost didn’t put the very last word in it.

This piece hurts. Bad. It’s how I’ve felt for years, and still to this day, no matter what I do, no matter how many battles I’ve finally found the strength to overcome, I am still not enough, not good enough, I am still nothing to my dad.

 

It breaks my heart.

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication