Daily Reflection on Tryst (05/13/13)

Daily Reflection (05/13/13)


Not Getting A Goodbye

As I move through the stages of grief, I go through many emotional ups & downs. I have been through things in my life that were very hard, some tragic, some self-inflicted, others were influenced by others, things that left deep scars, lies and betrayal, death, but no one as close as my own brother. I have never felt these kinds of emotions, or this level of pain, ever.

In my mind, I go over & over the events of the day my brother was killed. What was he thinking? What was he feeling? What was he doing? Where was he going? And then things about the actual event that took his life… what happened? How can this have even been a real event… it this really real? It is a mental circus… a mental torture in which I can’t even begin to put into words.

Me being such an analytical person, always wanting and needing to know the answers to everything in this world, the ‘not-knowing’ drives me crazy. It drives me crazy and it makes me very angry and it makes me cry and it makes me scream for my brother… All of this, emotion, pours out of me and I’m not the only one. My mother, who has a death certificate for her son. My father, who had to bury his baby boy. We are all changed. We are all broken. We are all damaged. We all have a hole in our hearts. Our lives will never be complete.

Even when we experience moments of joy and happiness… there will always be something, our someone, that is missing…

In my thinking this weekend, I came across the thought that… one of the hardest parts about this is, not getting to say goodbye. Losing my brother the way that I did, was, unceremonial. One minute of the day, and he was just… gone. There was nothing I could do, no where I could go, completely helpless…


I hate that I didn’t get to say goodbye…

I didn’t get to tell him I love him…

I didn’t get to tell him any of the million things I have yet to say…

I wasn’t finished…

I wasn’t done making memories with my brother…


My life with him was just over, in one second, and I didn’t even get to say goodbye…


If you have a sibling, I cannot stress the importance of telling them you love them, every single time you speak. No matter what… tell them you love them…


Have a great day Tryst.


XOXO ~ Jen’


Tryst Thought : Everywhere I go, I carry him with me. But it’s not the same. It is not ever going to be the same…


©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication



I Will Survive ~ Tryst Update

I Will Survive ~ Tryst Update



Well, well…

This was a tough weekend…


I was trying to hold myself back as much as possible from popping off at the mouth, and I don’t think I did a very good job. I got off on some social media, telling the town off and declaring how much I hate it here. Did I feel better afterwards…? Maybe a little… but it’s always like this for me, as soon as the angry words start flowing, they don’t want to stop!! And it turns into, ‘Oh, I need to add this…’ & ‘I should have said that!’ …


But, in the end, I found myself on a Sunday night, wondering if the few people who originally pissed me off even read my FB blast in which I told everyone how fake and two-faced they are and how they need to stay out of my business… going on to explain how I’m leaving this city cause I can’t stand all the shit heads that don’t mind their own…


You know, I hear other people go on rants, on ALL of the social media outlets and blogs and such… so why do I feel like I even need to explain mine? The truth is that someone came to me and said that my brothers killing was set up and done on purpose… among some other things, and this just completely threw me over the edge!! I mean, this person has NO clue what was going on in my brother’s, mine, in our family’s life, so to make a statement like this, it is just pure cruelty and all fiction. It’s even more fucked up because that was my brother, so the emotional shit storm that it brought to my heart and mind was completely uncalled for!


My point on the things I posted was to make clear that I don’t point fingers and judge. I also don’t stick my nose in other people’s business… especially when it involves the sensitive emotion of the death of a loved one. That is so disrespectful. Don’t people have any manners? Couth? That is just…. completely fucked up!!


In the end, I will survive… and I will be on a beach someday, not looking back at the place I came from, as there is nothing to look back and see…


~ Jen



 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication



Dead and Gone… Never Apart

Dead and Gone… Never Apart
I whisper quietly
Just for me to hear
I talk to you
Blow kisses
In certain places
Never knowing
If they make it to you
Up in the sky
Of clouds and blue
Where are you
Where have you gone
It so surreal
I even sing this song
I never thought
You would be taken
From me
I never thought
This is how I bleed
Your energy moved on
Dead here, somewhere gone
I want to be there too
When can I come
Be with you
Can you hear me cry
Everyday for you
Can you hear the words
I am telling you
Why did you leave me
Here, alone, with them
Their darkness
It burns
And I have no one who understands
What does it mean
When someone dies
Why do they leave
Us here just to cry
Where is my brother
Is he dead and gone
Can I go see him
Hear my song
What ever these words
They are meaningless in my heart
He is never gone from my soul
We are never apart
~ J. Lefever ~
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Mad Metropolis

Mad Metropolis
Corruption inside my soul
Someone pulled the trigger
Pointed it at my heart
And let it all go
On the streets of desperation
Shadows keep walking by
Ghosts of many nightmares
Walk upon us everyday
They own the city
This mad circus, untamed
Charming us senseless
With tricks and toys of the visual kind
Lurking in the curtains of Midnight
Representation of my spirit
Mirrored into the air
I can feel my breath leaving my body
Wanting to scream, something careless
Words to pierce the soul of the wicked
Force that follows me, shattering their strength
In to a million, unfixable pieces, on the floor
Turning the tragedy and sadness their way
For once, I have the force field to
Prevent the fatal future the streets of this
Maniac metropolis poison us slowly with
Yes, the city has gone mad
I can’t run from its taunting laughter
Into the streets, upon streets
Every block just the same as the last
City is mad
Someone pull the trigger
Let the maniac go and
Release us from its painful grip
The world is just a metropolis
Gone mad
~ J. Lefever ~
This piece is dedicated to my brother. He would understand what I mean by these words. ( ~Sis )
©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication


Undertow of emotion
Pulls me further & further
Feeding my sensitivity
Like its dying from famine
Vaguely remembering a time
When the waters ran deep
The world was alive, in color
Hunger was not something to feed
Hushed by the threat
That poses itself each day
Luring me to be weak
Fallen again, I just may
Wading on through
The pool of my forgotten realities
How I found myself here
Fixed by the proper formalities
Silenced by my mind
As it walks around the city
Debating my philosophies
Fighting what’s left of me
I know the reason
I have crawled here to die
Because it hurts less
Than the moments when I cry
One day, someone came to me
And said I’d never be the same
Said half my heart was killed
That I had lost the dirty game
They said, you will have to go on
You will hurt no matter what you do
You will never be whole again
Nothing will ever feel like you
~ J. Lefever ~
©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication




Since you’ve been gone
Missing you
Means I’m moving on…
Your life was too young
But it was taken
Cut short
Your assassin awaits a
Future decided in court
Cut out of me
Hole resides inside
Healing is so painful
It forces me to hide
Since you’ve been gone
My whole world fell apart
Impossible to fix
Your place in my heart
Will this process subside
Get better inside
Will I smile again
Come back to life, begin again
Curled up to hide with
Tears falling for you

I’m tired of living this way
I just want you home
Don’t know what else to say..

~ J. Lefever ~

Is missing someone always supposed to be painful? Or does it mean that I’m moving on…

If that is so, I may move on, further… but I will never be the same… Things will never be the same


©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Nothing, I…

Nothing, I…
This is a piece about a great loss… The loss of a someone… The loss of a soul
This air
I’m standing
Arms stretched out
Reaching into the nothingness
hoping to find
Something to hold my hand
What is this
Place I have rendered
Myself in
Unable to turn back
Find my way home
Where is home anyway?
Unable to explain
The place I’m in
Unable to find a reason
To smile
What has happened to my soul?
Answers I need
So desperately
Yet I can’t find
Unhappiness has me
Paralyzed, Loss has me
Stuck, in this
Thick atmosphere
A space of nothingness
Nothing here
Nothing for me
Nothing to hope for
Nothing to find
Nothingness is me
I am nothing, I…
~ J. Lefever ~
Written when I was a little lost.
We all have moments when nothing seems to feel quite right.
As I struggle to stand up, facing the reality of my life’s greatest loss.
I lost my little brother, and some days, nothing feels right….
©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Shhhhh in the Silence


Tucked in a corner
My shadow is hidden
Don’t speak or utter a sound
In the silence
My spirit falls to the ground

Lost in the dark
Scared of my truth that
I don’t want to face
Brutal realities & lies
Events have taken place

I have no control
No power to change
The devastating tragedy be
What brings my tears
Of why he was taken from me

In the shadows I go
Please don’t look my way
Vulnerable & mad
I see only in my view
The red that comes from what I had

My mirror is gone
The other part of me
I search everyday
With empty hands
Darkness is all I see

As not to fall apart
Everyday at the seams
In the shadows I go
Vengeance & revenge
I hide, I can’t show

I scream in the silence
Shhhh says my heart
I’m torn from any other
No substitute will suffice
I yearn for my brother.

~~ J. Lefever~~

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

I Will Cry


The world stopped moving.

I cannot breathe.

I drive down the street, like I’m in a trance.

Tears roll down my cheeks.

I talk to him, to my brother, my other half, my best friend, my life partner, my kid, baby little brother, who, once was little, then grew to be 6 inches taller than me in like one summer. I am 6′ feet tall so, yea, he was me little-big brother.

Dave was protective of me.

Now I’m all alone.

Now he is gone.

Where is he?

Can he hear me?

Can he see me?

Is he in heaven?

Is heaven really real?

Is it pretty there…?

………………………………………….I scream his name.

I scream it loud in the car when I drive.


Sobbing, I scream.

It doesn’t matter.

He can’t hear me.

He is gone……………..where is he?

There is a hole in my heart.

This place where Dave has always been.

That place is still his, but…………I need my brother.


I wasn’t finished.

I wasn’t finished making memories with him, laughing with him, arguing with him, annoying him…

He was my favorite person.

He was smart, so smart, so smart that I felt half retarded around him…

He was funny, so funny, people loved him

He was respectful of others, of women, old fashioned kind of manners when it came to women.

I loved that about him.

Dave would do things, like empty his closet of all his expensive clothes on Christmas Eve, and drive downtown and give his nice jeans, shirts, hoodies and shoes to the homeless. He would do this, and not tell anyone. He did it, for no other reason, than a selfless one.

But I knew…

Dave would give, and has given his last $10 bucks to a stranger, or a friend in need…

He was shot by someone trying to rob him of his money.

Dave would have given that person his money, but that person just shot him and ran.

Didn’t even give Dave a change to reach into his pocket.

And now my brother is gone, and I won’t ever get to see him again.

I hurt so bad inside.

Words do this feeling no justice.



That was me and Dave.

One is not right without the other.

Now what?

I will watch mom and dad grow old, without my brother here to help me.

I will watch my mom cry over her son’s death certificate.

I will watch my dad weep for his son.

I will scream his name everyday, so loud, in my car, or anywhere that I find myself all alone.

I will wear his big t-shirts around my house and talk to him like he’s here, or a phone call away.

I will tell stories of him to people, repeating over and over how great he was, and how I wish they could have met him.

I will bake him cakes on his birthday and make him chicken fingers because that was his favorite.

I will listen to his music, he produced music for local artists here in KC, some tracks had him on it, I play those on repeat because I like to hear his voice.

I don’t want to ever forget his voice.

I will look at our pictures, all the pictures of him, of us, until my tears run dry.

I will light off as many fire works on the fourth of July, for him because that was his favorite holiday, well besides Christmas, so at Christmas

I will write to him, I’ll write to him all the time anyway.. I already have letters, even though I have nowhere to send them, I still write to him

And I’ll cry hard asking what I’m going to do to make this pain go away…

I will never stop crying.

Will I ever stop crying for him?

Will I ever feel alive again?

Dave, I…..Miss……you


I love you. I will love you till my dying breath. I will love you after that.

Will I ever see you again

When my time here is finished, will I see you then

I need you

Come home

Come home

Come home

I don’t know what else to say right now….

It hurts so bad

~ Sis

I will always cry for you…

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication