Daily Reflection (03/18/13)
Hello to all you sweet peeps! It’s a Monday reflection at hand!! Before I get into my thought today, I just want to take a minute to thank you all for being such loyal readers. There was a time when I thought I’d never have an audience, I thought that my writing was bad, or just so-so, and who would ever really care what I have to say. I have met such awesome people through writing on Tryst and WordPress. The more time that goes by and the more I interact and talk to you, those of you whom I speak to more regularly, the more I get to know you and I must say, some of you are just true sparks of soulshine and I truly enjoy the connection! I have gotten to know some of you, and I’m finding out who has been real, who has been real nice and who is full of inspiring wisdoms, which… I completely love! For those of you who take the time to not only read my posts, but comment and respond to my comments, you are greatly appreciated & wonderfully awesome people!! For those of you who are true & real, a big thank you. I think you are so awesome!!
My mind was deep in thought this morning about a certain, situation… I was trying to use the right words to get my point accorss with out being… inapropriate. Sometimes we get our hopes up for someone, or something, and we are sadly let down. Like when some one turnes out to be someone completely different from how they were in the beginning. Fake? I guess you can say. Either way, my mind was pondering, and I just wanted to recognize the awsomeness of some of you!!
I can’t make excuses for some people. There really are people in the world who think they are too good for others. Like they have achieved some status above everyone else and they are just too superior to interact with everyone. Puh-leeze. That’s called arrogance. That’s called being a snob. And for people who have true beauty of the heart, those kinds of people are a real turn off! In every which way!! See, now, maybe that’s my opinion, but I thought high school was over years ago… so what’s the deal with all the hype to have the highest numbers in Facebook or Twitter? Are people still in the rat race for the titles in society of ‘Most Liked’, ‘Most likely to age well’, Most likely to succeed’, and any other label the shallow souls are out there seeking. This makes me wonder… what did those kind of people NOT get in high school that they feel they need to make up for now?
For anyone out there who is newer to a social media network, or any adventure on the internet, and so on… enjoy what your working on! Enjoy your task at hand! Don’t be like everyone else and join in on things just to see how many peep requests you can obtain!! Just enjoy communicating and connecting with the world because it can be so much fun if it’s used the right way!! To those fo you who have a huge fan base, that’s super awesome!! Good for you!! Now let’s hope that you just keep being real and keep being you and don’t switch to the dark side of things where you lose your identity and become addicted to the numbers. (By adicted, I mean that you lose everything else! You aren’t posting quality things anymore because your goals have been altered… Don’t do that!! Yuck!! Just be real!!
I find that I preach this a lot. Fake, rude and ‘I’m too good to talk to you’ people get on my last friggin nerve!!
Don’t be plastic people!! It’s ugly!! Plus, I would think that keeping up with ‘fake’ appearances would be really exausting!! I mean, being anyone other than me would take some real work!!
I hope you all have a real great Monday being your real fantastic selves!! ~ Jen
Thank you for letting me get this shit off my chest!! I feel much better and now I can get on with my day!!
Tryst Thought: This ‘rant’ is a little off my normal beaten path of writing. I let someone hurt my feelings this weekend, and in the moments of my sensitivity, it happened again by another person and I’m not even sure they know that they are being a complete shit head!! I won’t say any more… but that’s what’s up with me right now…
My Years at the Barre ~ True Tryst Story
My life as a dancer. (At the ballet barre)
When I was three, I put on my very first pair of ballet shoes. Yes, I had the cute tutu and tights and joined a class of about 20, tiny little girls, learning to point our toes and mostly stand in a straight line and look cute at the end of the season recital. At such a young age, my little heart began its true passion for dancing, and sparkly costumes, that continued for the next 15 years.
Through out my dancing career, I studied mostly tap & ballet, but went into other genres like lyrical, jazz & hip hop, during the later years. I travelled all over the country, competing and performing. I taught, student taught, for a couple of years when I was at the end of my years as a dancer, teaching those tiny little ballerinas that, many years ago, I once was.
I loved to dance. For so long, it was my whole life. I spent as much time dancing, rehearsing, performing & competing, if not more, than I did in school. I would watch my poise and posture, finger and arm placement as I practiced my foot work at the barre, ballet barre. I had big dreams. Plans to go to college and obtain a degree in the arts and possibly open a dance studio of my own. I did dream of dancing professionally, but I am very tall. At 6′, yes, I’m 6′ tall, my long legs looked lovely on stage, but I was as tall as most of the male dancers, sometimes taller. So, my dreams of being gracefully thrown into the air, were, to say the least, not likely to happen. I was just too tall.
I didn’t let this get me down, though. I kept dancing through my first two years of highschool. Until the day came when I got my drivers licence and I was suddenly thrown into a world of social events with the upper classmen that included keg parties, smoking weed and undeniably breaking my curfew and pissing my parents off. (I regret pissing my parents off still to this day. Oh, the things I would change if I could go back…)
I was 18 years old the last time I performed on stage. I was choreographing my own pieces by that time, and really loving being able to write the steps to my own numbers, practice them, pick music, and take to a competition with the hopes of winning trophies, metals and ribbons. My extracurricular activities of hanging out at all the dopest parties were starting to take a toll on my training as a dancer, and my last performance was not my best. I did not go out with a bang. My dancing had become a drag, not something I loved and looked forward to anymore. I didn’t have strong movements in that performance. I was sloppy. I had been doing it for 16 years, and I think I felt like it just wasn’t for me anymore. As my music ended, I took a bow and exited the stage. I took a silver metal in my category in that competition and havent danced since then.
That was 13 years ago. I haven’t danced in 13 years.
I still have all my costumes and shoes. My black & white wing tip tap shoes that were stellar in my Vegas shows still fit, as well as my soft pink satin toe shoes, with the ripped, worn satin, gently falling off the pointe and my worn ribbon laces that went up my ankles, shredded at the edges, they still fit too.
I put my toe shoes on the other day. I laced them up my legs and made the bold attempt to stand up on them, on pointe. To my surprise, it was like I never took them off. Granted, I’m sure my triple pirouette is a bit rusty… I dared not to even try. I did a single one instead and landed nicely, with good arm placement. I stood there for a minute, in my shoes and thought of my years as a dancer. Seemed like another life entirely. Was giving this up for keg stands and years of hangovers and bad habits worth it? Would I be the person I am today, if I had kept my toe shoes on and told the party invites to kiss my ass, I have better things to do with my time than get messed up at parties and make an idiot of myself. (Note: I could always handle the sauce pretty well, so I’m sure I didn’t make a compete idiot of myself… but I’m sure there were times that I did… happens to everyone, right?)
I think I’ll save the tap shoes for another day. Another day when I’m reminiscing of my past, and curious to see if I can still tap my ass of, like I once could. (I was like Ginger Rogers in my youth… looking for my Fred Astaire)
Re-defining Me ~ Tryst Update
I am under a new moon tonight. It’s newer to me than the moon was yesterday. I love that too. Under the moon tonight, I feel… closer to me… than I have… in a long while. Phew, (brushing my forehead and brow dramatically), which, to say the very least is a good feeling. I’m not sure what the sudden change in disposition is, but I have been practically begging for it!! I have been pulled out of the dark abyss somehow, and here I am, re-creating my world around me. It’s like I’m re-decorating my mind and soul!! I went off the deep-emotional end lately and have been down… down… down!! It sucks being down. (Yes, Alice in Chains, I hear you loud and clear and although I dearly love that song, being down in that hole has worn me out!) It is time to re-surface… (Note: how many times did I just use words with ‘re-‘ in front of them? Let’s see, shall we: Re-creating, re-decorating, re-surface) I wonder what else I can re-use this word in reference to? (Re-use, re-enforce, re-habilitate, re-evaluate, re-present.. no, that last one didn’t quite work to re-explain my word play here.. hum, let me think some more on that, but I’m liking the game. Indeed…
While I continue to get my self back to me, re-living my past, to re-mind me of my present, which will help re-evaluate my future and the way that I want it to go, I think I’ll stop here for now. That is all for now. Night.
A Momentary Lapse of Reason ~ Tryst Journal
I’ve been told that our ‘Higher Powers’ don’t give us anything we can’t handle. I’ve been told that the strong ones, are the ones who are given the tougher things in life. Not saying anything about someone who has had a relatively easy life, and not fallen down too much. I’m quite envious of those people, in fact, I wish I was one of them. I think that they are the lucky ones.
I wonder, so much lately, what is really going on…? Am I this really shitty person, who has a soul that is just no good…? Because my life has taken me down some roads that were so tough, I am literally still working on going through them… getting past them with some kind of understanding as to why certain events had to take place… why my eyes had to fall witness on some things, things I wish I had never seen… and why can’t I just give up? What is it that makes me keep going everyday? Even when the days are so hard, hard even to get up and start, but I do, get up, and keep going.
What am I fighting for?
Today. Wow. Today was a tough day. I had some bumps at work, which is unusual. Work is always smooth, for the most part. But when these work related issues came up, I was actually really grateful for them because they were total distraction from my social life, which is where I’m tackling demons today.
You know how when something in life has emotional connections to it, it’s always 10X worse? When the heart is involved, it’s like, monumental!!! When I come across a social problem with a person with whom I have no emotional connection with, it’s like ‘Oh well, whatev’s…’ and I move on. Never losing any sleep over it. Not even a wink. So, when you have these emotions involved, they make all things worse, complicated and they make people, me, irrational, sometimes a neurotic mess, ignorant to the reality of things… yes, my emotions can get the best of me sometimes. Thing is, this rarely happens. I’m serious!! For a woman, I rarely lose it… I keep pretty good control of my ‘crazy-lunatic-female-hormones’ so it’s like when I do have a ‘moment’ of irrational-emotional-drama, I get so mad at myself for slipping off the edge. But, yea, there is a but, when I get pushed to my limit, pushed so far back that, after time, I swear, I just cannot keep my mouth shut anymore about the shit that’s been bothering me, don’t I have that right? Don’t I have the right to stand there and voice my concerns? Don’t I have the right to have feelings? And just because I so rarely come apart at the seams, that doesn’t mean that I am never, ever, allowed a momentary lapse of reason!?!
I feel apart at the seams today.
I really did.
I just let it all go…
Everything came out at once.
The things that I’ve been so silent about for so long, all had a tangible voice today.
I don’t really know what happened. I woke up this morning, like every other day. I came to work and dove into my commitments there. Next thing I knew, I was having a conversation, something was triggered, and all things went south. One thing led to another, and before I knew it, I was face to face with, someone, and I was just fallin’ apart.
These things happen when we keep ourselves bottled up. That is why I try to write. My lesson today is that, yes, even though i write, to cleanse my heart, mind and soul of things, I am still hiding. There are still things that I have no words for. Things that I have n answers for. And it all came down, to me, just a person, who was pushed, couldn’t take it anymore, and I came a little undone.
I’m not sure why I’m sharing this. I guess I don’t need to hide proof that I’m just an imperfect person in an imperfect world. We all have moments that suck, right? That’s all for now…
Tryst Thought: Space is always good when you are having emotional words with another. Sometimes we say things we don’t mean in the heat of the moment. In the space, we think clearer, and can come back, and have a much more productive conversation.
Do we turn into someone we are not, when our words get the best of us?
Imagine a Moment
The time was then
When people laughed
And loved the land
I saw a someone walk my way
Telling me to hold his hand
He story he spoke to me…
Once I knew too little
This time was long ago
When people were real
And loved like brothers
All the same, void of
Judgement placed upon others
Sounds nice, I said
This time you say
Unlike anything I know
So different from today…
Indeed, he said It was pure like no other
Like the love you have for your brother…
We lived & breathed
Taught lessons to teach
Walked hand & hand
To you, I reach
Here I am
I came to find you
Tonight, you see
Under the moon that’s blue
I must let you see
I must tell you so
There is more to life
Than what you think you know
Don’t listen to lies
Your soul knows the difference
Don’t forget to love
Everything that has importance
Don’t believe all that you see
People will trick you
Listen to me
Follow your light
You guiding heart
You will never be lost
You will never fall apart
Stand up tall
Speak out loud
And if you fall
Get back up, and be proud
Most of all
Please love from within
Love your self
Even through glory & sin
Your soul is pure
Your hands clean today
Take me words
Carry with you all I say…
Imagine a moment
When you witness a miracle
Under this moon of blue
The words you spoke
Everything you said
They’re in my head
A miracle becomes this moment
As I imagine it this way
I will take with me
Every single word
All you told me
All that I heard
~ J. Lefever ~