The Moment – Post Traumatic Stress

The Moment
Post Traumatic Stress
**
And then one day
You are somewhere in the world
With this feeling deep inside
A feeling that something is wrong
You just know
That something is not  right
You don’t know what it is
But it is something
This feeling is real
Unknown to what your senses are telling you
You tell the feeling to go away
Go away … you say
Just go
You don’t know what else to say …
 
That’s when the moment arrives
The moment you are brought into the white room
Told to sit down and listen
Told that this will be some difficult news
 
At first I heard the words
Echoing inside my head
Echo … echo … echo …
No no … he can’t be dead
No no … you must be wrong
No no … it can’t be my person
No no … you don’t understand
No no … please check again
No no … You’ve got the wrong man
Right … ?
What … ?
Oh no … don’t say the words
Oh no … no no no not my brother
Oh no …oh my God oh my God
Oh no … I can’t feel my hands
Oh no … my chest is tight
Oh no … I am gasping for air
Oh no … this doesn’t feel real
Oh no … no no no not my little brother
Oh no … no no
My knees hit the floor
My hands slip as I try to brace my fall
Dizzy in my head
Blur … blur … blur
My sight is seeing red
On the ground with people all around
Muffled are their voices
Blurred by my tears
Drowning my eyes inside my head
Say it’s not true
My brother can’t be dead
I must get out of here
As I am now trapped in hell
No where to go
No where to run
I need some air
I’m coming undone
I stand up on my legs
They quiver in physical shock
My throat is tight & dry
Get me out of this room
Am I really here right now
This can’t be real … it can’t be real
I take myself outside
Underneath the sky
Looking up into the clouds
Looking for his face somewhere …
Screaming … I start to scream NO
Screaming … SCREAMING … scream
I scream his name over and over
Hand on my breaking heart
Bent over I sob … I sob
I can’t seem to catch my breath
I can’t seem to let myself feel
That any of this … is real
This can’t be real, right?
This can’t be real …
This can’t be real …
That’s my brother … my baby brother
That’s my life … he is a part of me
Oh no … I love him so much
So much, my brother … NO
Shock …
I’m in shock …
Panic …
I start to panic …
No no … I’m not done!!
I’m just not finished
I have things to tell him
I have things to say
I have to let him know
Oh my God … I didn’t tell him goodbye
He needs to  hear me say ‘I love you’ one more time
One more time … just once more
I … I am not
Finished
I … have so much to
Oh no … no not my brother … no
Why?
How?
What happened?
Where did he go?
What did he need?
Why Dave oh no … why?
What am I supposed to do now?
I need you here
What about mom & dad
They need us both
They are getting older
I told them that I’d always be here for you Dave
I told them that you will be ok
I can’t breathe … I just can’t breathe
Let me catch my breath …
Someone tell me something
Someone tell me what to do
What am I supposed to do
My whole life had you in it
Life doesn’t make sense without you
And the last time we spoke …
Oh my God … the last time
The last time we spoke was the last time we spoke
It was the last time I’d ever hear your voice
I didn’t know that … I didn’t know
How could I know that
I’m sorry … I’m sorry
I need to call your phone
I’m calling your phone
It’s ringing … ringing
I hear your voice
Bus it’s your voice mail
I’m holding the phone
My eyes are burning
My heart is aching
I slide down the wall
Phone drops to the floor
I sob for you … I sob
Tell me this isn’t real
This isn’t real
Hole
There is a hole in my heart
 
Now what …
 
~ Sis
 
**
 
This is something I felt like trying to put into words.
I didn’t do it much justice … these words are so light, compared to … this event that haunts me and recurs in my mind all the time … no justice.
**
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Little You ~ A Tryst Re-Visit

Little You

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Imagine… At this point in your life, after every moment you have lived up to this very moment… if the child version of you walked in to the room and reached up to you, the adult you, to be picked up and put in your lap… looking at you, the little you, say five years old or so… what would you tell this tiny child? What would you say to your five year old, innocent self…?

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…this question, this deep rooted, emotionally moving, moment of pivitol words to be spoken only to yourself, from you as an adult to you as a tiny, sweet and innocent child, was asked of me by a person I respect very much. When I close my eyes, and picture myself at five years old, and picture my five year old self looking at me now… it made my heart beat fast. I had tears in my eyes. It gave me the urge and desire to want to hold and hug this little girl… me. To look at my five year old self and say, ‘I’m so sorry sweet baby’, is only the beginning. Of course, I have thought about this. I have thought about this very hard. I was forever moved by this question and will use this little exercise from time to time to remind myself that underneath my skin, behind the eyes of me as a grown woman, was once the heart, mind and spirit of an innocent child that did not know any better. As we all start this way, young and small and unable to protect ourselves, then we grow up and in the more time we spend on this earth, how many times have we hurt ourselves? How many times have we forgotten to love ourselves? Or not protected ourselves? Or disapointed, shamed, scared or even lied to our very own selves…?

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I would tell my little self to love myself in every single moment. I would say that if you don’t love your own heart, even one time, then it will be weak and in life you need a strong heart! Others cannot love you if you don’t love yourself. And if you don’t love yourself then it is impossible to give love and to receive love. I would tell my little self that I am very sorry for the times I hurt you and let you down. Learning in life, growing up I didn’t know everything and I never meant to hurt little you, but sometimes I did. Sometimes I forgot about little you and left you alone in the dark, or out in the cold rain. For all of those times when I didn’t know any better, I hope little me can forgive me… image

It does take strength to forgive, little innocent me, so practice this virtue. I would tell little me to remember that I have always loved my tiny heart, my tiny self, and love is what has kept me, us, going. To love is the greatest thing, to be loved is truly priceless and always give to others what you would want for your own self. That is the magic of karma, and karma is always there, right behind you. I would tell little me that I’ve never given up and I never will. I’ll always be here, for me. image

This is a very powerful image, for the mind and spirit. To anyone who reads this, imagine little you sitting on your lap… what would you say? After all the things you have been through, seen and survived so far .. is there anything important enough to tell your little self .. ?

~ Jen

***

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© Think. Speak. Tryst Publication

For a lovely and beautiful poetic piece that goes brilliantly with this, visit Edward Hotspur’s site Lyrical Anarchy and read Time’s Fleeting Glances

Another beautiful soul that I have recently encountered in my life, you will find her words truly heart-warming, inspiring & will leave you with tears of joy as she is a brilliant example of Human Kind at its up-most Loving-kindness. She has become one of my favorite writers and I look forward to her posts daily!

Visit The Other Side of Ugly by following this link, and let your eyes fall upon the words of The Ugly In Me by following this link. Both of these pieces reminded me of what I was thinking when I wrote this piece above. I know that you will enjoy, and you will find that the writer is an angel herself … among us all … right here in this world.

Soul Graffiti ~ A Tryst Anniversary Post

Soul Graffiti

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A Tryst Anniversary Post

I have had so much going on that I didn’t even realize that today is the 1 year Anniversary of Tryst!! My life has taken me through many moments in the last 12 months, but when looking back, I know that I stand even taller and even wiser than I did last September. Just like any person, I have made mistakes, but I always get up, brush myself off and move forward. My years of being ignorant and blind to my faults are even farther behind me now. The lessons I have learned, some through success and others through personal failure, are what make my Soulshine even brighter today than ever before. I know that I have this empty space, and that space will never feel quite right again, but in the absence of my brother who was taken so tragically and violently from me and my family, I carry his spirit with me in everything that I do.

I can proudly say today that my life is clean, truthful and good. I think about my family and loved ones before I make decisions and I am selfish in the right kind of ways, selfish enough to eliminate the shitty people who claim to be a friend, who claim to have my back, but so foolishly in my innocence and sensitivity I believed these claims as these people only turned out to stab me in the back, as opposed to ever having it. (I am really only referring to a very small number of people, two or three to be exact — as the ones I have in my life now are wholesome and good and have shown it in every step they make, and we all know that actions speak much louder than words … words are only words & words are meaningless when they come from a source who is only fooling themselves in life … I pray for those people)

This morning has been hard, as the trial continues with no resolve as of yet for the person responsible for killing my brother. I was reminded of a lesson today, and that it, when you are right, when you are true, you need no defense. There is no reason to defend the truth because it speaks for itself. Only the guilty get defensive and only the guilty get mean and ugly to people and only the hateful, selfish and cruel turn and lash out at someone who they know is good because the goodness of the other person clashes with their darkness and inner self loathing. So, for those people, I bless you and pray that someday you find some self-love and a true sense of peace. I have made many mistakes, yes, but I love myself more today than I ever have and it shows in my life, in my smile, in the things I do, in my personal success … my true self-love and my sense of peace and harmony with myself shows in my heart, on my face, and in every way I live my life. I do not waste my time anymore and I have become way too strong to let anyone take advantage of me, and this is something that I let many people do for many years.

When a person changes, especially makes positive & strong changes, they may not get a good review from their network of people who have always counted on them to be weak, or to screw up, or to be the one they can point a finger at and say, “At lease that isn’t me!!” And so when you get your love, strength and wisdom’s and leave that old ‘you’ behind, you will find yourself leaving behind many of the people who you thought were in your corner, when in fact, they were only using you this whole time.

Life is not always easy. And death has taught me so much … about everything!! But I can tell you that life is also very beautiful. And when you have love, real love, there are no words needed to explain it. It just is. And when you have real truth, there are no words needed to defend it, because it just is. And when you have real forgiveness, real happiness, real peace, real love and real kindness, you never waste one minute waking up in the morning, harboring negative energy, or lashing out to another, with the only intent to hurt them. When YOU are REAL, the world knows it in everything that you do. You don’t have to hide your hatred or ugliness because you NEVER practice these things. You just get to be you, all the time, and let your heart and soul do the work.

I still struggle with things. I still go back and forth. But I can proudly say that I hold myself accountable for the things I have done, otherwise, I wouldn’t have the mind and soul that I do today. In the last year I have cried more tears than in my whole life put together, losing my brother, my best friend, my world, has been the most difficult thing I have ever been through, by far the most painful. It has made me realize that there is so much peddley shit that I have been hurt by, or cried over, or let bother me … and let me say, I DO NOT lose sleep or shed tears over people or things that are not worthy of them. I can thank my brother for teaching me that. But I do fall apart and cry for him. I probably always will. He was one of the best people I have ever known, a heart of gold, and now I have only memories.

While I think about these things, I feel overwhelmed with all that I have to say, and all that I have learned over the last year. Too many words, too many thoughts, too many reasons why and why not … but here I am, here I stand, alive and well and here to tell all my stories, share my success and shed light upon the reasons of my falls. I am neither worse or better than … but I am good, I am great, I am proud, I am honest, I am kind, I am always trying to better myself, I am living a life that is peaceful, I have more love today and I don’t over look that, I cherish it as a blessing, and while I give love, just as I receive it, I continue to bless this world, the people around me, and all the wandering souls who are still searching or healing.

I hope my brother has his hand on me and can see the things that I am doing … and in any moment of weakness, as I am still a human and I will still make mistakes, I only ask for the strength to continue on the path that I am currently on, because I am very proud of who I am becoming … I am very proud.

Here is to my ONE year of writing on Tryst and sharing all my chaos with my Tryst Friends and Family!! Here is to ONE year of my documenting all the graffiti that is written on my soul!! I have over 700 readers and I love each and every one of you!!! May Tryst continue to grow, may I continue to grow, and may we all keep holding each others hands in the rain, in the sunshine and while our Soul’s shine … cause you all know that nothing is better than that. Nothing feels better than Soulshine.

Love – And have a beautiful day

Jen Lefever

*****

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Good News!! Tryst Update

Good News!! Tryst Update

I am super happy tonight!! Last month I entered a poetry contest … it was the very first time I have ever submitted a poem for any thing!! I went through all of my material, a collection of over 500 poems and 2 manuscripts, which took me a few weeks. I needed to choose only 1 poem, under 28 lines, any style or genre … needless to say, this was a hard thing to choose with so many to pick from!!

Finally, I picked the one I wanted to send in!! I re-typed it and put it into an envelope … sealed it and popped it into the mail box. (Again, this was my first poetry submission, EVER!! So, I’ve been anxious to hear if I made the cut or if my piece even got seen …

So today I got a letter in the mail from the Publisher’s of the contest informing me that my poem made it into the semi-finals and I am up for grand prize!! Having made it this far I will get to be published in the book they are putting together of everyone’s poetry, so even if I don’t win the grand prize, I feel like I still won anyway because I will have a published piece!!

Good news & Good job to me!! … (I am kinda proud) 🙂

Xo ~ J

This really made me feel good and brightened up my whole day!!

~ Tryst Publication ~

Summer Time & The Livin’s Easy … ~ Tryst Insider

 

~ The First Day of Summer ~

 

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Summer Time & The Livin’s Easy …

 

It is official ~ June 21st is the first calender day of summer!!! Summer has always been my favorite of seasons!! While I also enjoy spring and fall, I have always known summer to be my absolute favorite!!! The whole world is alive … the trees are brilliant shades of green … flowers are in bloom and popping with bright, beautiful colors everywhere … swimming pools are cool and full of smiling people … neighborhoods are decorated with people walking their puppies, or strolling their kids down the sidewalks … we go on ice cream runs at night after the sun has gone down, when the air is still thick with heat and humidity … popsicles become a weekly necessity on my grocery list … I find any excuse to leave the city & go to my lake house, or be emerged in a large, cold body of water … I talk about the day I will be moving to the beach every five minutes … I find myself writing in my journals outside, either in my parents back yard where I grew up by the waterfalls, or in my special place of inspiration, in the park on the bank of the flowing river … my weeping willow tree is full and beautiful and my apple tree is busy growing me apples … I get to wear my hippy dresses everyday, and other summer clothes like tank tops & flip-flops, which brings me much joy as I hate dressing for the winter months … the farmers market is full of fruit, fresh summer vegetables and other kinds of blooming produce and flowers … the city sidewalks are full of cafe’ dinners who have stopped to quench parched lips with iced tea’s and micro-brews of KC, while enjoying delish tapas’ and other small plate yummies … oh, and of course, one of my fav spots is always busy serving up the cities best red & white sangria’s … the Plaza is busy with the summer shoppers and people catching late-night Independent Films at the Theatre … summer concerts and music festivals are the place to be, you will find me at the Crossroads jammin’ to jam bands and eating the best pizza in the city … summer is the best time to go to events that are put together to raise awareness for good causes and raise money for good organizations, like for children and animals … of course since I live in KC, summer is the season to hit the Blues District and eat out famous BBQ, then again, it’s always a good time for our awesome KC BBQ … evenings in the city with old friends, outside under the stars, in any of our local bars, pubs, or hot spots is fun to kick back and remember the ‘days’ way back when … and of course, those weekends when we all escape the hot city streets and take off to go relax in the hammock on the huge deck of my waterfront lake house, with a dock full of boats and water toys, and the fun & amenities of Osage Beach just minutes away … yes, my lake house is the perfect 2 hour get-a-way, in lieu of hopping on a plane, although I hop a plane when ever I can!! … These are a few of my favorite things about this wonderful, hot summer season!!! These are the things that I will be doing, trying to enjoy KC as much as I can while I am here … as the days become fewer and fewer, as the time Jake & I are ready to move becomes closer to reality …

I hope everyone has a wonderful summer!!!

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XOXO ~ Jen

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 ‘Dreams are illustrations from the book your soul is writing about you.’ Marsha Norman

 
 
 
 
*****

 
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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 

Jenny News ~ Tryst Update

Jenny News

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How Long Have I Been Gone...? ~ Tryst Update

I have had a very active schedule these past few weeks. I have had some things going on that are very awesome and exciting, and I have had the stress of some very tough/painful things going on as well.

The one year date of my brother’s death is tomorrow. This ‘first’ year without him has been very tough. As many of you know, those who have followed me loyally and read the things I write, I have had about a million up’s and down’s these last 12 months. (I actually haven’t been blogging for 12 months yet, so my Tryst family has only been linked into my life for the last 9 months, but still, 9 months is plenty of time to get to know me, as I am as real in my writing as any deep, emotional poet should be…)

The stages of grief have taken me through sadness, anger, resentment, depression, isolation and some emotional mini-drama’s … but I have survived none-the-less and here I stand, telling the world my stories.

I have some things coming up … I have been asked to get involved in programs like D.A.R.E, here in KC, where I will get the opportunity to talk to kids at schools and other youth groups about substance abuse, being a victim to acts of violence and the death of my brother. I am honored and excited to be a voice to these kids and tell them my stories and the things I have been through. If I only help one person, just one person, then it will be completely fulfilling to me. I hope to make the impression and teach the wisdom that life does not discriminate, no matter who you are, or where you come from … life happens to all of us. Life can be very hard at times, but there is always, there IS ALWAYS, light on the other side. You just need to never stop loving yourself, and you will be alright.

Other than that, I have been putting in 50 hour work weeks, at least, working like a dog!! And trust that I am tired like a dog!! Phew…

I have recently launched my photography business which is SUPER exciting for me!! I have purchased some new equipment and have been playing with my camera … I love my hobbies!! This is something I have been thinking about for a while now and finally decided to go for it!! I have studied photography in college and I’ve always loved it!! So, furthering my experience, I’ve been doing LOT’S of shooting, adding to my portfolio!! I know that great things have to start somewhere before they become great, so what better time than now? Plus, it’s good to keep busy with things I enjoy … it helps with the grief I feel in the absence of my brother.

I also became a part of a SUPER great nutritional business!! In college, I minored in Nutrition while getting my Culinary Degree, I thought the information would be a great credential for me to have alone with being a Chef, and it has proven to be just that!! I have come across some KICK ASS products and was offered the chance to be a part of this up & coming, fast growing business op … AND not only that, but I have used these products that I’m now sharing with the world and they are SO fantastic I can’t even believe it!!

I will probably post more about this with another post, more informative & what not … because this is just a Jen Update …

I have really missed my Tryst Family!! I have not been writing too much lately, and it has been three weeks since my last Daily Reflection. (I wrote a poem, yes, one lonely poem, in the last few weeks, but that has been all I have had time for    😦 <-sad face  Launching and writing of my web-sites has had me quite occupied!!

So how is my Tryst Family? I have a mail box Jam Packed FULL with all of your wonderful posts, in which I will dedicate a long Saturday to do some reading!! I always enjoy reading the wonderful talent of all of you as well, so rest assure, my inbox will stay full until I get to do some reading!!

Yesterday it was raining here, terenchal downpour!! But today, the air is clear and the sky is blue and it is just simply beautiful … not only that, but even though I am extremely tired, worn slick, beat down in every which way … I am still standing here, with a smile, a sleepy smile, but yes, life has me smiling …

I am grateful for many things today …

Enjoy your day Tryst!!

XO ~ Jen

*****

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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Rescue Me

This Piece is dedicated to my wonderful friend, a rare and beautiful soul… she is a reason to believe that there are true and wonderful people in the world… Our friendship could not have been forced, or faked, or created any other way… except the way that it did… naturally, truthfully & for a beautiful reason. Our similarities are a wonderful gift, and our differences complement nicely. I look forward to tomorrow, having a friend like Hastywords.

This poem is just for her

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Rescue Me

Here you are

A light come forth to shine

A force of which

I only entertained existed

The hopeful desire

That others like me

Much to the same sensitivity

You are tender with the world

Beautiful soul

I feed on your light

Comfort me

With your warm, gentle voice

Proving to me

To the world we know

That angels walk upon us

Where ever we go

Here you are

My own friend and savior

A lyrical dance

As you put me at ease

Please tell me

That I am saving you too

From the things that you need

An emptiness I fill in you

Light we share

It grows between us

Sharing soulshine

The building of trust

This very evening

You put me at ease

You lifted me up

When I had fallen to my knees

Here you are

I am here for you too

I honor our tryst

In all that I do

~J. Lefever~

(04/23/13)

This piece is written for a very dear friend. Someone who has given me hope that there are gentle souls still present to this day. The world can make us, turn cold to others, but then… out of no where… a light comes along, and for whatever the wonderous, giving reason, we have been given a true friend.

Thank you for being you.

*****
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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication