Black & Blue

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Black & Blue

The game we play

Goes back and forth

Of two people who

Make verbal stabs like daggers

Intent is only

To pierce the other

To make them bleed

To hurt, nothing else

Who have we become

We were never this way before

Once you loved me

And it was you that I adored

But now the days are different

We are black and blue today

Black when we hurt the other

Blue when we cry and bruise

This game is cruel and ugly

Its intent is to stab, burn and use

-J. Lefever

(12/11/13)

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

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Hollow

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Hollow

An empty space

Lingers in its silence

A dark corner haunts

Places I try to avoid

People’s faces

Are blank and cold

Everything I knew

Has left my reality

Leaving behind

My hollow soul

-J. Lefever

(12/11/13)

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Verse 101

Verse 101

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Fallen down
On to hard, concrete ground
Fallen through my hands
I am lost, far from found
Off in the distance
Here comes the rain
Inside of my mind
I feel the pain
Fallen down
The walls around me
Fallen through the cracks
I have tried, so hard
Time and time again
Here comes the rain
Inside of my mind
I feel the  pain
~J. Lefever~
11/04/13
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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Life, Death, A Fool & Her Thoughts ~ Tryst Free Write

Life, Death, A Fool & Her Thoughts ~ Tryst Daily Reflection

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This has been a hard year. I have been through it all, I have learned a lot. I have moved forward, not backwards, which I am deeply proud of, I have listened some and talked some, I have grown and gained experience and wisdom and most of all, I have survived, so far, the most terrible tragedy … that of losing my brother, my little brother and my life long best friend, who was shot and killed in the city one afternoon in June. Yes, I have had to adjust to living without him, adjust to him not being here to talk to anymore, adjust to having to watch my mom and dad grow older without him. I am still so lost when I search for him, search for answers and when the tears come rolling down my cheeks and frustration boils in my veins, I fall to my knees in desperation and defeat.

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Then I get back up and keep breathing.

Then I get back up and keep living.

Someday I will join my brother, in the Heavens above … Someday I will get to see him again … just not today … just not today. My time here is not yet finished. I still have life to live and people to make memories & learn lessons with. It is not my time to go be with him … my life purpose has not been fulfilled.

Here I am, just that same girl, that grown woman who hurts and cries and laughs and smiles and bleeds like everyone else. Writing about all my life’s chapters, and selecting the ones that I think are suitable to share with the world. Judged or not, which I know I am, as it is so common for more people than not, people will watch, people will assume, people will point fingers, people will judge and people will blame another, and I am not excused from those people in some times of my life but I have learned that this is not healthy, productive or suitable of my character in any way. I don’t like to judge others. Probably because I have been in the spotlight, in the center of the circle, the one who gets judged upon many times in my life. So I take that, brush it off, and move on because those people who judge just don’t matter, and the ones who matter, are the ones who don’t judge.

How can anyone judge another’s life anyway? What gives anyone the right? No one knows a persons pain, no one knows a persons experiences, stories, dreams and nightmares and no one knows what it is like to walk in another’s shoes, no one could possibly know this at all. So, it is completely and utterly arrogant, ignorant and not justifiably true at all for another person to pass judgments based on the fact that they have absolutely no clue. It’s like speaking on a subject you know nothing about, yet you pretend that you know what you are speaking of. Maybe you fool some, only the foolish that is, but in all truth, only the wise, the people who rise above those who point fingers, are the ones who know that words are only words when spoken. Only the wise know not to put any value to them, making them anything else but what they are, and that is meaningless words spoken by a judgmental fool who knows nothing, and who will always remain the same, never moving forward due to their inability to see the foolishness of their thinking and behaving, thus preventing themselves from ever being taught any lessons of wisdom in which to move them forward and enlighten then upon their many many mistakes.

This is the life of a fool. This is the life of those who judge others. What gives them the right, as I first stated above … What gives anyone the right to say they know enough about another’s life in any way, to pass judgments based on their opinions?

They don’t have the right. Only if we give meaning or emotion to their words, do the things they say have meaning or hold value, and then we become a fool for listening and giving meaning to the things said by the foolish fool. If we brush them off, then like I said above, they are only empty words spoken by a foolish fool.

Either way, we are all foolish fools. In a matter of speaking, nothing is justifiable. Nothing makes sense. Life is unfair and we are all dealt the hand that we have no choice but to deal with. Some of us choose not to deal with their hand … while others fight their whole lives trying to find out why things are the way they are. Many things make us different … and many things make us exactly the same. We are all just clueless fools … searching for that which makes us grown and wise … searching for a feeling of security, in anything we do. But we are all still fools.

As I drove home from work this evening, I looked up to the sky, as I often do, and I saw a full moon hanging up in the sky. It was full, bright, and silver and its face was smiling. The face on the moon was full and smiling down upon us, upon the Humans of the world, as we all scurry about, screwing things up and making mistakes, as we all have one common bond … deep inside us all: we all want to feel a sense of security. Now, our kinds of security may differ, but we all want to feel that … secure … in whatever sense we personally seek. We all seek to find, feel and also give a certain sense of safety, of security. What is it that makes me feel safe … ? What does safety mean anyway … ? Are any of us ever really safe from anything … ? Are any of us ever really safe at all … ? Who can trust? Who is always honest? Who has never done wrong? Or hurt another? Whether by choice or by accident, who hasn’t screwed up? Who hasn’t had to ask for forgiveness? Who hasn’t had to give forgiveness? Who thinks that they have all the answers? There are actually people who believe that their way of thinking and behaving is always the righteous way. Really? What ignorance those people must have … to think such a thing. None of us know … we don’t know why things are the way they are, or what is going to happen tomorrow … Just like words can be only words, spoken by a fool, and the fool who listenes to them … so am I the fool who speaks empty words right now … ? And are you the fool who listenes … ? I know my heart is a good one, and my soul is tender and sensitive. So because I am not one to act out of cruelty or viciousness, what does that make me … ? A kind fool who speaks words with endless thoughts that never stop wondering … why … ?

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Life is so unpredictable.

Nothing is promised.

We are all going to fall down.

And not all of us get back up.

But those who do…

Are the ones who pave the paths of wisdom

For the ones who play it safe and never take chances

For the ones who conform to society and who are always less wise as a result of that conformity…

The fallen become the strong

And the wise

And we are the ones who

Discover the truths of life

And who end up appreciating everything they have

Everything that their life has given them

And everything they have given others

As a result of their existence in this world

As a human being, just like everyone else.

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I will continue to let my Soulshine upon the world … because that is one of the reasons I am here … to give to others and let others experience mine … my very own Soulshine.

Something to think about ~ Don’t avoid being the fool. We need that every once and a while. But instead of becoming the fool forever, gain a wisdom from your foolishness, and see what it teaches you.

XOXO ~ Jen

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Karma Police

Karma Police

*** Tryst Free Write ***

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Sitting, waiting and watching … patiently … is Karma.

People may not ever realize that Karma is watching, or that it is even real … but it is.

Karma has much more patience than we can even imagine. That is why when we are stumbling around, down here on earth, waiting for someone’s Karma to show up, or even our own, and we can’t understand why it is taking so long.

Well, Karma, I have learned, waits for the perfect moment. A moment that we can’t see coming, a moment that we are totally unaware of, a moment that we can’t even anticipate. There are all reasons for Karma, and why it exists, and how it works … Karma is the link to our inner most judge and jury, that of which knows us better than we know ourselves. Karma always knows when we have lied, cheated, stolen, hurt out of vengeance, acted out of pride, hidden out of gluttony and lied out of lust … yes, there are many things that we do as people, and there are many things we think we keep to ourselves, things that we think no one knows … but even if that is so, even if we were extremely careful, and did not get caught, even if we were able to keep something we have done a complete secret from anyone and everyone, except ourselves, even if this is so, we can never keep secrets from Karma (And of our God, as we understand him) … I believe that those 2 things, those 2 infinite beings, those 2 incredibly powerful entities always know what is in our hearts, minds and souls. Karma and our power of a higher being always know if we have good intent, if we are really trying, when we are really hurting, when and if we are right or wrong, if we are treating others well & kind, if we are treating ourselves well & kind, if our intent is good and for the better, if we have really changed our ways for the better, if we are real or not, if our actions match up to our lives and if our lives match up to our thoughts and if our thoughts match up to our inner most wants, needs and desires … they know, us better than we can even imagine, they know what we are doing, what we deserve and where we are going …

I get lost thinking of these things … a lot lately.

I think of these things as I go through this murder trial … praying for justice for the life of my brother, and yet, all the while knowing that none of it really matters. I won’t ever see my brother again. So, none of it really matters.

But Karma, Karma watches … waits … and as much as I want Karma to come down and get to work on the person who killed Dave, I know that I have a long time to wait for Karma to show up on this matter. I know that Karma will. I believe that you can’t possibly take a life, a life that wasn’t even threatening another, take it and just walk away, unaffected by it, with no life consequences upon your own … this cannot be the way it works in the world. Not under this sky, not under the power of higher being who watches us and protects us … this cannot be. So, I believe that Karma will show up, quite some time from now, in its usual fashion, at a time and place beyond my understanding, to pay its dues …

Impatient me waits … for patient Karma Police … to show up and teach someone a lesson … even though I know that, no matter what, Karma will never hurt this person as much as this person has hurt me and my family … Karma doesn’t work that way …

Karma teaches us in other ways …

Has Karma ever taught you?

Has Karma ever given you pain to feel?

Have you learned to change your ways because of the things that Karma has shown you?

~J. Lefever

(10/09/13)

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication