Women & The ‘Once-Over’

   WOMEN & THE ONCE-OVER

What do I mean..? What is this ‘Once-over’….?

The ‘once-over’ is something I have labeled as the act of a women giving you that head-to-toe scan. You know, you’re out and about, running around, getting all your errands done for the day, week, whatever, and in the midst of digging through your bag for your credit card to pay for your groceries, or at the pharmacy, juggling moisturizer, nail polish and all your bath products, or at the bookstore loading up on the tabloid mags and getting the new juicy novel you’ve been excited to read… you catch yourself as the victim of a ‘once-over’. Some random strange women you don’t know at all, has scanned you from head-to-toe, and you caught the whole scan, and you instantly know what’s going on in her head: the undeniable women characteristics of judgement… Yuck! Maybe you don’t look your best at that very moment, so you wanna say, “catch me out on a friday night girl, then give me a ‘once-over’!!” Or, you’re honestly too cool to care! (I like this one the best!) (I have been both..) But the question here is this: No matter how many times you have been the victim of the ‘once-over’, honestly, how many times have you given the ‘once-over’? (Honestly, I too have been both…It would be a lie if I said otherwise…)  It’s in our DNA as women. We are all guilty of giving at least one ‘once-over’ in our life!! As for others, as for the greater population of women, have given many many more than others…

 TO BE OR NOT TO BE… vain… an empty shallow girl…or to pass judgement… WHO DO YA THINK YA ARE ANYWAY? Humm?

  Here are a few terms defined: 
 
VAIN – Excessively proud of their appearance; conceited, arrogant, narcissistic.
What vain really is,a someone who cares alot about themselves, has a mirror in hand at any given time. Cares alot about looks, always in style, usually come from a well off family with loads of money to spend on stupid brand name clothing, Gucci hats and $400 shoes…Can be a girl or boy. People usually hate them since they feel so comfortable about themselves and others are just jealous.They think that their the best in everything and that there’s always an easy way out because their dad or mommy has a lot of money so they can always run to them.
SHALLOW – Judging a person based strictly on looks, not factoring in their personality whatsoever. To base the format of a structure only on appearance. A person who cannot access the imaginative, creative, understanding, emotional part of their brain. Shallow people are brainwashed by the media, they can’t think for themselves. They tend to like Hilary Duff, Britney Spears, and mainstream rap and the little mainstream rock that is played. They serve no purpose to this earth. Their future holds long lines of angry customers that want their hamburger, and the words “we love to see you smile”.
A person that feeds off of another persons misery, someone who judges books by their cover, someone who is needy, and spoiled. 
The act of judging people by their looks, monetary status, clothes or car, rather than looking deep inside at their heart, personality, etc…
JUDGEMENTAL – Something we people/humans cannot stop to be. Some people like doing it for the superiority they feel, but others feel bad in doing this. Now if you do feel bad for doing this, it means you have a heart and you know what the person you just judged feels. People have heartsᅳwell, most of them doᅳso don’t be a bitch or an asshole.

A condition from which we cannot escape, else we would not have been able to tell breasts from chests if you get my drift. Many people are more apt at being judgemental than others, alarm bells ought to ring if you find yourself with ‘personality labelers’ who tell you that you have ‘evil thoughts’ or are ‘stupid’. This is usually the result of some unfortunate mistake which you made and they have picked up on. The language they use is cunning, so it hits you where it hurts (guilt, sadness etc) and they blame you for causing the world misery.
A way of making ones self feel better, by hurting others. Usually caused by closed mindedness, and a lack of manners.
TWO-FACED – When a person acts a certain way in one place and acts different in another.

A persona that usually stems from a lack of self-identity, self-esteem, and/or cojones. The person is also usually a brown noser, as they try to please whomever they meet. In an effort to be accepted by the entire world, a “two-faced” person will socially accommodate anyone they meet in an attempt to be popular and liked by everyone. More often than not, however, two-faced bitches are usually covering up their assholism.

Two faced is when someone acts like your friend and then talk about u behind your back, in a bad way… in a way they would never talk about you directly. When someone acts one way in front of you, but then when you’re not around has fun ridiculing you. (FAKE). Two faced is when a friend has two sides. they act one way in front of u but when they not near u they talk about you.
 

(Ugh, after writing & reading through these definitions, after seeing in black & white, descriptively spelling out these characteristics… all of which most women practice & possess… why would you want a bunch of girls in your life!?!? …point heard loud & clear Jen!!)

… Some even have more than two faces! How exhausting having to keep up with your own charade… of not being real… lame!
 

As women, we tend to have the reputation of being very shallow, vain and judgemental.  We are also infamous of being the most ‘two-faced’ of the two genders. After defining these above, how unattractive are these types of women really?!? They are really all examples and proof of low self-esteem, low self-worth and zero self-confidence. Personally I want nothing to do with all four of them! Of course, this doesn’t apply to all of us women. There are many of us who are not any of those things, and who are by nature actually very real, very nice and thoughtful. (Those, I have noticed, are the ones with few girlfriends.) But there is also a time and a place in which things just are… let’s say, a moment or situation when even the ‘nice’ girl catches herself acting in one or all three of the ways listed above.  We can catch ourselves being vain.  Society today puts so much pressure on us women on how we should look, in order to be considered or feel hot, sexy &/or attractive. There is a certain ‘type’ of woman who always seems to fall under these categories: thin, fit or skinny, current with fashion, has the bank account to accommodate the current & popular clothes & accessories, and most importantly, wears the best & most expensive shoes, and carries the best & most expensive hand bags. (Those are my most observed items on other women… besides teeth…I always notice people’s teeth & smiles. It is the first thing I look at when talking with anyone. I don’t know why I’m drawn to the mouth, but I’m big on having excellent personal dental care. People should always take pride in their smiles. Having good teeth is a must!) For the ones who aren’t so lucky, most women sure do try to keep up with the social demands. We also catch ourselves being shallow at some moments. Even if it’s not spoken aloud, I can safely say that all women are guilty of at least having shallow thoughts from time to time! It’s in our nature.  And we are also guilty of being judgemental from time to time. I dislike these qualities so much that I like to bring honest awareness to myself to detour myself away from any shallow, vain or judgemental second that might creep up in to my mind.

 (We have the choice to choose whether we want to display these ugly characteristics, or not…) As for the ‘two-faced’ women of the world… decide who you are!! Are you really that lost & insecure that you have to be this way? You can be ‘two-faced’ all you want, but if not already, it will become known and you’ll always be remembered as a person with out an identity. I don’t know why anyone would want to be known as one of these ‘confused’ types of women. Get to know yourself! This one, I can say with much personal gratitude, I have never ever ever been guilty of in my life. Nope. Neva been ‘two-faced’.  (Just me & my 1 face)   🙂

Now keep in mind, for me personally, and this is the honest truth, I pride myself in having a really good balance on these things, or ‘control’ I should say. Like I have said above, I’m guilty of few, very seldom, momentary lapses of reason where I’m a little of this or that, but not like most of them. It’s just not…me. As for the result of that – I have never really had girlfriends.

(Just a quick note: I grew up with mostly all male friends. I’ve never really done the ‘girl-friend’ thing, I don’t go out for girls night and I don’t have a ‘bestie’ that’s a girl that I can lean on. I have a few really great girlfriends, and the few of us are all really strong and independent women. I found it hard to find girlfriends that think like I do. I think more like a guy, I guess I should say. Thanks to all the guy’s I grew up with, I’m more straight forward like they are. I’m not ‘two-faced’ like most women. For example, If I don’t like you, I won’t go out of my way to be fake and say ‘HI’ if paths are crossed… I’ll just go about my day. I do not need another girl to go to the bathroom with me if we are all out. I’m a big girl, I can make it alone! And I feel completely confident with myself & my life without a pack of female friends to go out with. It’s not about numbers, I really enjoy the quality of the friends I choose to hang with! So, yes, I take pride in the true-honest-fact that I do have really good control over these womanly traits I’m speaking of because they are really not a part of my character.)

…Just to make this clear, men are absolutely capable of owning these characteristics and displaying these types of behaviors as well! I have seen first hand guys being ‘two-faced’ and definitely judgemental! But the male ‘once-over’ is not the same. A man giving a woman a ‘once-over’ is simply checkin’ her out. And a man giving another man a ‘once-over’, is looking over his competition. So don’t think because you’re a guy that you are excused from being shallow, vain, or able to posess ugly and stupid characteristics in these ways too! Uh huh, guys, you do it too, just far far less than women. Women are much much more insecure.

Getting to the message I’m delivering, from me to you…

I get this smile on my face when I catch a random stranger giving me the ‘once-over’. It doesn’t bother me because I’m confident and comfortable with myself. I put myself in check when I have moments of the ugly characteristics I have so eloquently described in this piece. My motivation? I was a victim of the ‘once-over’ while getting my coffee this morning before work so I thought I’d write a piece on it.

I like to see that women can be strong and not ‘like everyone else’. I like to see women independent, thoughtful and kind, grown up and confident… but unfortunately… statistics don’t lie and it’s a true proven fact: most women are built up with these four components, in which their character & personality are pretty-ugly (oxy-moron), and this is why, I have never had many girlfriends. And I’m perfectly content with that. Although this is a true statement for me, its drawn upon having acceptance in the many unanswered mysteries in the world. The unexplainable things in life that just are, because they are. The paradox of life… the thousands of them! To imagine a world in which we all get along is impossible beyond infinity. Its not in our human nature to be that way. Parts of my soul are saddened by the lack of particular friendship & bonds that some have but I understand that we are all so very different. Each one of us. And just like some flavors are better mixed with others, some colors just don’t go together but other colors look great, there are things that really compliment each other nicely, and then there are tons of things in this world that just don’t mesh well together at all…no matter how many ways to try to put them together. I know that my path in life is mine. My spirit, soul and the elements I posess inside are mine. My own personal & unique equation, the formula of Jen. Its different, we all are, and the things I have are mine and it’s meant to be that way. That’s why advice may be given but it’s not always the right answer/solution/cure/resolution for everyone. That’s why I have such a passionate opinion on judgement. How can anyone judge anyone? Really?!?! I don’t think that we know anyone well enough at all to pass judgemental opinions! And what gets judged? How a person dresses? How they act? What they do or where they go?? Its their life! Maybe that’s exactly right for them, exactly where they are supposed to be! Its them… not you. My rambling point: in my life I have accepted myself for who I am. Instead of battling things I just go with the flow, my flow, and it has made things smoother, better, I’m happier and my life is really great. I may not be the girly girl or fit the ‘standard-american’ role but my equation is solvable, my elements are balanced and right now I am absolutely satisfied with where, who, and what I am, content with what I do and how I got here. I’m confident in the things I say, and I have integrity in all aspects of my life. I treat my friends like I would treat myself and I love unconditionally. For those who are vain, shallow, judgemental and/or ‘two-faced’, I can see it from a mile away, every single time! And there is nothing about those kinds of people that I want in my life. That shit is appalling and I’m sad & embarrassed for those people. They obviously struggle inside & my only hope is that they find peace in their soul. When you are truly content inside your spirit, you don’t act in the ways I’ve described in this piece. Nope. Ya just don’t. I can write about my knowledge of, my experience with and the recognition that this shit happens but that’s all. Part of my integrity with myself, is making sure I don’t ever act in these unattractive ways. That’s all for now.

~ Jen

(This is a prime example of why I say my life is over articulate and exceedingly verbal…) I have my opinions and I’m not afraid to express & speak my mind! No one should be! Its  individualizing yourself from everyone else.

 

Miss Perfect

“OH, he is gonna change for me, just watch..

So, I’m driving down the street the other day and I hear a woman on the radio complaining about her man.

image  “…He would be the perfect man if he would just change everything about him!!”

blah blah … “and I told him that he was lucky to have me so he better change because I’m not stickin around if he doesn’t!!..” Of course the ranting and raving of this chick on the radio continued for some time.  I listened to the whole thing, driving down the road, with this frown/smirk on my face thinking… “And who the fuck does this chick think she is!!!?”

I must express my opinion here, because that’s what I get to do on Think. Speak. Tryst., be opinionated, it is simple; why in the world are people in relationships with people that they are trying to change!?!?!?!?!  Isn’t the whole point of a relationship the act and commitment of two people being together, who love, who legitimately enjoy, and/or who want to be with the other person just as they are?  When did the role of a person in a relationship take on the active duty of “changing” the other?  Either their man, or the women.  But I need to point out that most men, I’m sure like 99% of them, (just a stab in the dark percentage, but I’m confident it’s quite accurate) don’t ever try to change the women.  If they don’t like the women they have, they just move on and get a new one.  A man doesn’t take on the challenge of trying to shape and mold his woman into what his idea of the perfect woman is.  It’s a set up for utter and complete failure.  A tremendous amount of work!  A tireless project that will most likely leave the man beat up, scarred, and emotionally bruised, this act of trying to change a woman.  (Sheeesh..)  Now women on the other hand, oh girls, seem to always be tryin’ to change their man! (Shaking my freaking head!!) Such a waste of perfectly good energy.

   The Roles We Play…

Women ~ I truly believe that women are closet power players!  Women hold so much more power than they either give themselves credit for, or are given the credit for.  We can be wild and tame, we can be wise, intelligent, or eager to learn.  We can be dark, sexy and mysterious.  We can be so many things, and the role that plays in our society is… men love it!  Men love us! Men need women, they want and desire women.  Men are greedy with women, they can’t settle with just one, they want to try all the flavors… but of course, with all of these different determining factors, my point and purpose is to express how amazingly different all of our “Flavors” are as women, and how powerful, and influential, we really are!  Our role as women in society can not be pin-pointed down to just one thing.  We have many roles, many places, and many flavors that, in our growing up process, we find and discover the ones that fits us best. 

As for the Men ~ Men, in my opinion are much more simple.  They are up front, blunt and don’t play games.  Really they don’t do much of anything that involves lot’s of work when it comes to building interpersonal, intrapersonal and internal relationships.  Men are just, well, satisfied with who they are, and they know what they want, and that’s usually what they go for. Pretty easy.

  …”I asked you to do one simple thing…”

The Relationship ~ Relationships, are a very in-depth & very detailed subject, with millions of determining factors.  Not really trying to get too far into this today, my only motivation was this girl on the radio bitching up a storm about her man, I listened and honestly, I felt bad for the guy!  I wanted to call him up and tell him to ‘get the hell on…’ but obviously I couldn’t.  And I’m thinkin, who does this chick think she is, Miss Perfect!?!?! Really? Does she really think that about herself?  Come on girl… No one is perfect, no-no girl, not even you, so stop baggin’ on your poor man! Most of the time, when a person is trying to change something about another person, it’s ironically a quality that they recognize within themselves, and they don’t particularly like it.  They see it in their significant other, and boom!  Time to make some changes hun!  When really, maybe the finger needs to be turned around and the changes made within the one who is trying to hold all the cards.  It made me think of my man, of my marriage.  No matter what anyone says, no one really knows what goes on between two people, except those two people! I married my husband because I love who he is.  I’ll repeat myself, I LOVE WHO HE IS!! JUST AS HE IS!! I would never try do shape and mold him, too much work that would be anyway, come on, I’m a realist!! My opinion and advice here, “if ya tryin’ to change ya man, quit right now! Peacefully split ways and chill ’till you meet a guy who you love…just as he is!”

~ Jen

Complicated Escalations of the World

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Another one of those times when I’m lost in my mind, debating the contradictions, what is socially acceptable & what is not, hypocrites and the judgemental who create a certain persona that they are, I despise even typing it because it makes me sick, the perfect person. Those who strive for perfection only set themselves up for failure, so stop trying so hard to get the world to see you a certain way, that which you think is personal perfection only for internal gratification, that image of you, yourself having all things figured out…isn’t that exhausting? Who cares? Why do so many people care what everyone else thinks? Keep in mind, most people don’t have a clue what really goes on in a person’s life except those close to them. So the next time you hear something, seriously consider the source. If you don’t, and you internalize an automatic belief that what you’re hearing is true, you have just become the idiot.
Social trends can explode through out our society. What we are exposed to when we are young adults, going back to high school, post high school and into college can shape and mold us more than we are ever aware of at that time. There are things we do out of curiosity, peer pressure, coping mechanisms or ways to escape reality, and even things that are honestly fun and constitute a rockin good time…

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But where is
The line of what is socially acceptable as we travel into adulthood? Consumption is okay but in moderation, right? The escalating complications of the world, all human inflicted, continue to stir quite the controversy. If, a persons extracurricular desires don’t create utter chaos and havoc in their life, are they still considered a delinquent? A black sheep, bad seed, negative influence, an outcast, shameful or of bad or no values, or a person with integrity or having wholesome goodness? And who in this world is so “holier than thou” that they get to make these judgements?  Especially if they are guilty of obtaining their facts from sources other than direct and further more, use only those second-hand words from others in which to base their judgements upon a person and then recycle them, when in fact, they have only known of that person… they have never been a part of the person’s life. So there is no, one on one, actual real-time spent to collectively say, “yes, indeed, I have gotten to know him or her”. 

‘Labels’ that are placed on us as we develop ourselves, are not always correct. In fact, most times I’d say they are dead wrong. This is due to the truth that, especially when we are in the young adult phase of our lives, we experiment with our character to find what fits. We go through many changes before we ‘settle’ into ‘who we really are’. Making those ‘labels’ that others place on our shoulders null and void. Again, who ever said that just because one person said one thing about another, that it is justifiably true!?! Furthermore… who deserves to permanently get stuck in their past except those who have self chosen to not learn by their past and stays there themselves?
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Personally, I have owned my life. It took time for this to happen. I was not born with these wisdoms.  I earned them through time, through out my life. I also own my past. This took a very long time to happen. But I’m not living in my past at all, so who is the one stuck there?

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I know I have to check in with myself all the time. How do I perceive myself today? Am I able to distinguish myself as real? Do I live my truths, beliefs and virtues? Do I rise above second-hand information and do I restrain myself from recycling it? Do I care about my labels or others labels? And do I lose sleep over judge mental nobodies? (Smiling) I’ve come along way…

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Unafraid
to be myself… I’m ready to put another day to rest, under the moon, I’m so tiny compared to the magnificent miracles of this world, but this world wouldn’t be complete… without the miracle of me.
~ Jen