The world stopped moving.
I cannot breathe.
I drive down the street, like I’m in a trance.
Tears roll down my cheeks.
I talk to him, to my brother, my other half, my best friend, my life partner, my kid, baby little brother, who, once was little, then grew to be 6 inches taller than me in like one summer. I am 6′ feet tall so, yea, he was me little-big brother.
Dave was protective of me.
Now I’m all alone.
Now he is gone.
Where is he?
Can he hear me?
Can he see me?
Is he in heaven?
Is heaven really real?
Is it pretty there…?
………………………………………….I scream his name.
I scream it loud in the car when I drive.
Sobbing, I scream.
It doesn’t matter.
He can’t hear me.
He is gone……………..where is he?
There is a hole in my heart.
This place where Dave has always been.
That place is still his, but…………I need my brother.
I wasn’t finished.
I wasn’t finished making memories with him, laughing with him, arguing with him, annoying him…
He was my favorite person.
He was smart, so smart, so smart that I felt half retarded around him…
He was funny, so funny, people loved him
He was respectful of others, of women, old fashioned kind of manners when it came to women.
I loved that about him.
Dave would do things, like empty his closet of all his expensive clothes on Christmas Eve, and drive downtown and give his nice jeans, shirts, hoodies and shoes to the homeless. He would do this, and not tell anyone. He did it, for no other reason, than a selfless one.
But I knew…
Dave would give, and has given his last $10 bucks to a stranger, or a friend in need…
He was shot by someone trying to rob him of his money.
Dave would have given that person his money, but that person just shot him and ran.
Didn’t even give Dave a change to reach into his pocket.
And now my brother is gone, and I won’t ever get to see him again.
I hurt so bad inside.
Words do this feeling no justice.
That was me and Dave.
One is not right without the other.
I will watch mom and dad grow old, without my brother here to help me.
I will watch my mom cry over her son’s death certificate.
I will watch my dad weep for his son.
I will scream his name everyday, so loud, in my car, or anywhere that I find myself all alone.
I will wear his big t-shirts around my house and talk to him like he’s here, or a phone call away.
I will tell stories of him to people, repeating over and over how great he was, and how I wish they could have met him.
I will bake him cakes on his birthday and make him chicken fingers because that was his favorite.
I will listen to his music, he produced music for local artists here in KC, some tracks had him on it, I play those on repeat because I like to hear his voice.
I don’t want to ever forget his voice.
I will look at our pictures, all the pictures of him, of us, until my tears run dry.
I will light off as many fire works on the fourth of July, for him because that was his favorite holiday, well besides Christmas, so at Christmas
I will write to him, I’ll write to him all the time anyway.. I already have letters, even though I have nowhere to send them, I still write to him
And I’ll cry hard asking what I’m going to do to make this pain go away…
I will never stop crying.
Will I ever stop crying for him?
Will I ever feel alive again?
I love you. I will love you till my dying breath. I will love you after that.
Will I ever see you again
When my time here is finished, will I see you then
I need you
I don’t know what else to say right now….
It hurts so bad
I will always cry for you…
©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
The Calm Before the Storm
Insignificant, I seem to be
Night arrives, and underneath the silver of the moon
I get lost trying to find
A place that feels like home
Something that is familiar
A voice that brings comfort
She is empty again, they say
Can’t you see
Look how broken she is
Have I come undone?
Underneath the silver of the moon
The air is still
But it is the calm
Before the tragic storm
Raging tears arrive
Like a hurricane of emotion
I have left the stillness of the night
Now drowning in the river
Who took pieces of me away
That crawls through my heart
Further and further from my reach
He is gone
I can’t find him anywhere
He was taken in an instant
Taken like he was nothing
Nothing was the taker
An angel is who he took
Left us in the shadowed memories of what was
I scream for him
I scream his name
Into the silence of the night
Into the calm before the storm
The storm inside my heart
I fight everyday
In the absence of him
He, who was I
The other part of me
Forever in time, we always were
A part of each other
Until a nothing took my no one
So insignificant because I can’t bring him back
Underneath the silver of the moon
I am the storm
~~ J. Lefever ~~
My brother. My best friend. I love you more than all the stars in the sky.
I miss you more than words can say.
I will miss you until my last dying breath…
Salvation Of Love
(A Romantic Monday Piece)
Dearest of love
how I’ve missed you
not loving myself
I forgot to love you too
Now in this space
in the distance between
the hole in my heart
it is you that I need.
I’ve learned that in
and in fear that I ran
from myself and my person
from my husband, my man
the salvation I’ve found
has opened my eyes
my heart is truly yours
’till even after it dies…
I stare at the sun
and wait for my time
my time to be served
time that is mine
to walk on through
myself once again
to be embraced by you
how I’ve missed my man
~ J. Lefever
This is my first attempt to share on Romantic Mondays!
More posts for Romantic Mondays are here!
Stretched out, all over the world are roads to somewhere. Most people use these roads everyday, to get to work, to the store, or to a friend’s house… we use them to travel and explore, to work and build, the use of these roads always has some kind of outcome… a finished project, a destination arrived at, sometimes a road even leads to a final resting place. My point is that all roads lead somewhere.
Last friday, which was October 5th, 2012, Kansas City Homicide Detectives notified my family that the person responsible for shooting my brother, Dave Lefever, has been identified and charges have been made. He now faces murder in the 2nd degree and awaits trial in Jackson County, Missouri.
My family and I are doing the very beat we can. We all miss Dave more than words can describe. The days don’t get easier, I think we just become more numb to it. We are a family of 4, not 3. It’s never going to be the same. My dad, Larry Lefever, called to tell me the news of the arrest of the person responsible for killing my brother. I knew right away he had some news, as he was a little shook up on the phone. And as it is common for others to ask, the question has been answered, “No. I don’t feel much better about any of this. Even with this person behind bars, it’s not ever going to bring my brother back. No, there really isn’t a feeling of closure.” All it is, to me, is the name of a strange person whom I don’t know, and information that this person now sits in jail waiting for a trial regarding the murder of Dave Lefever. That’s all. Nothing else.
I think about that person, who shot my brother. As he sits in jail, knowing that he shot and killed an innocent person, for no other reason than an attempt to wrongfully take a couple hundred dollars that didn’t belong to him in the first place, what goes through his mind? Does he regret what he did? Does he think about all the people who loved Dave so much that now have to live without him, all because he put a gun to his back and pulled the trigger… Does he think about the life that got cut short, the person who will not see his 30th birthday?
I have up’s and downs. There are moments in which I’m glad, so glad this person is in jail. He doesn’t deserve to be free, living his life, laughing and smiling, after he shot an innocent person and had such a devastating aftermath to all the family and loved ones. He deserves to sit, locked up, waiting on the unknown… because that’s just it. Unknown. Will he get convicted? If so, how much time will he serve? How long is right punishment for taking a life, because that life he took is gone forever, not just 15 years. So why should he get a lesser sentence than the rest of his life? I don’t get to see my brother for the rest of my life? What warrants punishment fulfilled for a crime that has ‘forever’ consequences? And there are moments when it really doesn’t matter. Dave isn’t coming home. So what does it really matter…
The person who took the life of my brother is only 19 years old. If he gets convicted, as he should, the next time he will be in a car will be in handcuffs, getting transported to a state prison, and riding in the back of a police car, that is driving him on a road, to nowhere…
~ Jen Lefever Wood
The Day My World Changed (More on the death of my brother)
There is a lovely poetic duet written with a similar thought in mind, but with a more positive message, in my opinion. It is on a fantastic blog, Hastywords, under the catagory Poetic Duets. You can click HERE to find it! Enjoy 🙂
The warmth of spring was beginning to elevate my nerves. I couldn’t wait for June 28th to come. I could go out on the yard and smoke cigarettes with the other inmates and talk of all the things I was going to do when I got out of prison. My sentence was short, just some shock time for a non violent charge that I was already on probation for, but had unfortunately violated. The whole experience of this is something that I, in my 30 years, never thought I’d live first hand. Considering the first time I was ever arrested was when I was 28. Needless to say, by the time I was 29 and facing my 30th birthday, I was no where close to where I wanted to be at the age of 30 and went into utter and complete self sabotage. This is just scratching the surface, in-a-nut-shell, quick rundown of what I was even doing on a prison yard. (More on this to come)
The weather was hot. Really hot for May and the beginning of June. I had decided not to hold resentments, but to move on, move forward, and serve productive time. I truly believed in my heart that in the grand paradox of this world as we know it… there was a significant reason that I was there. So that’s how I embraced each and every day. Positively speaking, it helped me through this tough time of my life, serving time, but truthfully, the inside of a prison killed a little part of my soul everyday, and I couldn’t wait to get out.
I spoke to my husband, Jake, everyday, and also my parents who were all supportive, loving, and just as excited to have me home as I was to be there. I had a job in the prison that I worked at about 30 hours a week. I also attended classes in the drug treatment program, as I am a recovering heroin addict. I stayed busy and I felt better than I had in years… mentally, physically, and spiritually. I was teaching a little and giving lectures toward the end of my sentence and I really enjoyed speaking and connecting with the others, hoping only to make a difference in at least one persons life. If I accomplished at least that, I was fulfilled and satisfied.
The afternoon of June 8th was a thursday. I was a mere 14 days to freedom and I was all lost up in my mind with thoughts of seeing Jake for the first time in over five months, and my brother, Dave, Mom and Dad. (Oh and my puppies too.. I have two dogs. The best two dogs in the whole world) I was planning out my summer of freedom to be the best summer I’ve seen in a long time! I had new appreciation for life. I had been extremely humbled by this experience. I was more patient, thoughtful, and aware of myself, and all of these things felt amazing to me. Also, I was able to fall asleep at night naturally and get through each day with out the use of heroin, and that in itself, is completely priceless to me. It had been years since I felt this healthy, normal, and put together all in one piece. I was alive again, and I was days from being reunited with my loved ones!
So it was thursday afternoon, on June 8th, when D.O.C (Department of Corrections) officers came to my housing unit and pulled me into a conference room. I had no idea what was going on. I thought maybe there is news from the Probation officer, the state? What..had no clue. I certainly had no clue that I was about to feel the worst pain I had ever felt, after receiving the worst news I could have ever imagined.
The conference room had a handful of people in it, all sitting around a white table with these solemn looks painted on their faces. My intuition knew that something, something was wrong, something was bad, and that I wasn’t there to receive happy news. There was a phone on the table, and the receiver was detached from the base and it was sitting on the table, waiting for me to pick it up. All eyes were on me, as I stared, suddenly introverted and scared, at the phone. I heard someone one say, “Jen, your father is on the phone…”
I picked the phone up. Dad’s voice came through like warm sunshine after a cold storm. It is his familiar tone, the deep, strong voice that had raised me and I had always looked up to and felt safe from anything, anything in this world that might hurt or frighten me. It was my Dad. I remember his words verbatim, but that’s where I keep them, in my memory, in my mind. My dad called the prison in Vandalia, Missouri to tell his daughter that our family of four was now just three. My brother, my little brother just two years younger than I, had been shot and killed in Kansas City just the day before.
The room turned white. My knees hit the floor and I dropped the phone. I couldn’t hear, I couldn’t see and I don’t remember much except not being able to breathe and feeling claustrophobic beyond alleviation. I could not go to my family. I could not run…. anywhere. I was trapped, in prison, with the tragic news that broke my heart.
My whole world fell apart in that conference room. I thought of many things. The last time I saw Dave. The last time we spoke on the phone. The last letters I wrote to him from there. And the tears never stopped because through all my thinking, I was slapped with the reality that I never get to see him or talk to him again. Ever. This still makes me fall apart, and probably always will. My brother and I were best friends. We were as tight as any two siblings could be, and always were, always would have been.
I remember what it felt like inside. What it felt like to be me all of a sudden. Like part of me had died, because that’s actually what happened. Dave was my other half, my blood, best friend, we knew each other better than anyone. The best way I can describe it is like a yin~yang. There is no yin without the yang. It has always been Jen and Dave, not just Jen. I went to prison with a brother and came out without one. I was, I am still, I will always be devastated.
I have been waiting to write about this since I got home. Hesitant to put pen to paper, to even type these words. I guess the reality of Dave being gone will never ever get easier, so now is as good as any time to write. Honestly, it’s hard to see in black and white. It is quite draining to write about this, but there is more to come.. It’s good for my soul to get these words out –
Dave ~ Bro.. I miss you more than words can describe. I would do anything… anything to bring you back. I. Miss. You. Everyday. ~Sis
My brother, my best friend, one of the smartest, funniest, and kindest people I have ever known.
David Lawrence Lefever
August 25, 1983-June 7, 2012