Life, Death, A Fool & Her Thoughts ~ Tryst Free Write

Life, Death, A Fool & Her Thoughts ~ Tryst Daily Reflection

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This has been a hard year. I have been through it all, I have learned a lot. I have moved forward, not backwards, which I am deeply proud of, I have listened some and talked some, I have grown and gained experience and wisdom and most of all, I have survived, so far, the most terrible tragedy … that of losing my brother, my little brother and my life long best friend, who was shot and killed in the city one afternoon in June. Yes, I have had to adjust to living without him, adjust to him not being here to talk to anymore, adjust to having to watch my mom and dad grow older without him. I am still so lost when I search for him, search for answers and when the tears come rolling down my cheeks and frustration boils in my veins, I fall to my knees in desperation and defeat.

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Then I get back up and keep breathing.

Then I get back up and keep living.

Someday I will join my brother, in the Heavens above … Someday I will get to see him again … just not today … just not today. My time here is not yet finished. I still have life to live and people to make memories & learn lessons with. It is not my time to go be with him … my life purpose has not been fulfilled.

Here I am, just that same girl, that grown woman who hurts and cries and laughs and smiles and bleeds like everyone else. Writing about all my life’s chapters, and selecting the ones that I think are suitable to share with the world. Judged or not, which I know I am, as it is so common for more people than not, people will watch, people will assume, people will point fingers, people will judge and people will blame another, and I am not excused from those people in some times of my life but I have learned that this is not healthy, productive or suitable of my character in any way. I don’t like to judge others. Probably because I have been in the spotlight, in the center of the circle, the one who gets judged upon many times in my life. So I take that, brush it off, and move on because those people who judge just don’t matter, and the ones who matter, are the ones who don’t judge.

How can anyone judge another’s life anyway? What gives anyone the right? No one knows a persons pain, no one knows a persons experiences, stories, dreams and nightmares and no one knows what it is like to walk in another’s shoes, no one could possibly know this at all. So, it is completely and utterly arrogant, ignorant and not justifiably true at all for another person to pass judgments based on the fact that they have absolutely no clue. It’s like speaking on a subject you know nothing about, yet you pretend that you know what you are speaking of. Maybe you fool some, only the foolish that is, but in all truth, only the wise, the people who rise above those who point fingers, are the ones who know that words are only words when spoken. Only the wise know not to put any value to them, making them anything else but what they are, and that is meaningless words spoken by a judgmental fool who knows nothing, and who will always remain the same, never moving forward due to their inability to see the foolishness of their thinking and behaving, thus preventing themselves from ever being taught any lessons of wisdom in which to move them forward and enlighten then upon their many many mistakes.

This is the life of a fool. This is the life of those who judge others. What gives them the right, as I first stated above … What gives anyone the right to say they know enough about another’s life in any way, to pass judgments based on their opinions?

They don’t have the right. Only if we give meaning or emotion to their words, do the things they say have meaning or hold value, and then we become a fool for listening and giving meaning to the things said by the foolish fool. If we brush them off, then like I said above, they are only empty words spoken by a foolish fool.

Either way, we are all foolish fools. In a matter of speaking, nothing is justifiable. Nothing makes sense. Life is unfair and we are all dealt the hand that we have no choice but to deal with. Some of us choose not to deal with their hand … while others fight their whole lives trying to find out why things are the way they are. Many things make us different … and many things make us exactly the same. We are all just clueless fools … searching for that which makes us grown and wise … searching for a feeling of security, in anything we do. But we are all still fools.

As I drove home from work this evening, I looked up to the sky, as I often do, and I saw a full moon hanging up in the sky. It was full, bright, and silver and its face was smiling. The face on the moon was full and smiling down upon us, upon the Humans of the world, as we all scurry about, screwing things up and making mistakes, as we all have one common bond … deep inside us all: we all want to feel a sense of security. Now, our kinds of security may differ, but we all want to feel that … secure … in whatever sense we personally seek. We all seek to find, feel and also give a certain sense of safety, of security. What is it that makes me feel safe … ? What does safety mean anyway … ? Are any of us ever really safe from anything … ? Are any of us ever really safe at all … ? Who can trust? Who is always honest? Who has never done wrong? Or hurt another? Whether by choice or by accident, who hasn’t screwed up? Who hasn’t had to ask for forgiveness? Who hasn’t had to give forgiveness? Who thinks that they have all the answers? There are actually people who believe that their way of thinking and behaving is always the righteous way. Really? What ignorance those people must have … to think such a thing. None of us know … we don’t know why things are the way they are, or what is going to happen tomorrow … Just like words can be only words, spoken by a fool, and the fool who listenes to them … so am I the fool who speaks empty words right now … ? And are you the fool who listenes … ? I know my heart is a good one, and my soul is tender and sensitive. So because I am not one to act out of cruelty or viciousness, what does that make me … ? A kind fool who speaks words with endless thoughts that never stop wondering … why … ?

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***

Life is so unpredictable.

Nothing is promised.

We are all going to fall down.

And not all of us get back up.

But those who do…

Are the ones who pave the paths of wisdom

For the ones who play it safe and never take chances

For the ones who conform to society and who are always less wise as a result of that conformity…

The fallen become the strong

And the wise

And we are the ones who

Discover the truths of life

And who end up appreciating everything they have

Everything that their life has given them

And everything they have given others

As a result of their existence in this world

As a human being, just like everyone else.

***

I will continue to let my Soulshine upon the world … because that is one of the reasons I am here … to give to others and let others experience mine … my very own Soulshine.

Something to think about ~ Don’t avoid being the fool. We need that every once and a while. But instead of becoming the fool forever, gain a wisdom from your foolishness, and see what it teaches you.

XOXO ~ Jen

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Ghost Emotion

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Ghost Emotion
In the grey and white world
Are the shadows of ghosts
Ghosts of our emotions, left
To haunt the space between
Here and there
They haunt the vessels on the sea
Buildings and sidewalks of the cities
Trapped inside the paint on canvases
And enclosed in the lyrics of
Music and poetry
Our spirits are meant to feel things
It is in the way we are built
Once we feel, things pass along
With the ever-changing world
Not one moment mimics another
Time sets us free
From things that are regular and standard
Emotions are not tiny
They are bursts of energy
Fueled by the temples of our souls
Inside we are personal
Shedding shadows of emotion
Everywhere we go
I am haunted
By the things that I feel
Extraordinary pieces of time
I have been given
These ghost emotions are mine
As I move forward in time
My life, as unique as any other
Falling off my back
As I walk on for the soul of my brother
Bricks build houses
A poem is written in words
There are colors to paint the sky above
All of this shows my entire devotion
Inside my black and white world
I leave shadows of my ghost emotion
~J. Lefever~
(04/21/13)
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Daily Reflection on Tryst (04/03/13)

Daily Reflection (04/03/13)

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Who Prepares Us For This…?

 

Life.

Learning. Integrity. For. Everything!! L.I.F.E)) Yea, I just made up an acronym!! But I think it sums up where I’m at mentally right now. Integrity. I have a lot of respect for people who have integrity.

 

It is mid-week and I have hit the wall. I have been really good lately, but that sadly came to a screeching halt yesterday afternoon. Now, I’m back to worry & fret, wiggin the EFF out, and some tears of sadness.

 

I have let myself down. Ultimately, I have let myself down. I should have made better choices last summer when I got back to the city, and as a result, I am suffering and paying for my shitty decisions today. My life? Yes, my life is greatly effected. Anyone elses? Well, besides my family, no. I am having a hard time with life right now. I am having a hard time not falling apart today. I am having a hard time not wanting to beat the crap out of someone for the shit storm they bring, the lies, the shitty shit, the countless wrongs that have gone on, and for what?

 

You know, I really am not in the best mental states to be writing right now… at least, not something to be posted or published. So… I am going to try to shut up most of the chatter that is going on in my mind, and heart, right now… and get on with a positive message to leave you all with…

 

Going back to my lil acronym up there… integrity. Integrity is such a good & noble thing to have. You can’t fake having integrity. Your actions ultimately prove whether or not you poses this virtue or not. And for those who are evil & selfish pieces of shit… what goes around, comes around!! Karma is real patient. It watches you. It will find you.

 

Tryst, today I want to reflect on doing the right thing!! I know it feels so much better to be honest & tell the truth, to not have to make up lies, or take things that aren’t really yours. I know it feels good to be a positive, piece of happiness in another’s life… as opposed to the cause of someone’s pain & suffering. It can’t possibly feel good to be the influence of another’s problems. So with all that said… why is it even a question what kind of person you want to be, or want to be around!?!?

So, don’t do people wrong! It will come back to bite your ass off in the end!!

 

Have the decency to make the right choices and NOT cause more pain & suffering to other people.

 

Have some integrity!! Stand up and OWN the shit you do!!

 

Holding yourself accountable for your actions is the mark of an adult with a decent soul. Blaming others is the mark of a coward with a weak soul. Which one would you rather be?

Eventually, people always get what they deserve…

~Jen

 

Tryst Thought : There is a reason why some people’s lives never get any better… sometimes, sadly, there are really people who are just black in the heart. When faced with those kinds of people, you need to learn to just walk away… no matter how much it hurts… because those kinds of people only care about themselves, never you, and will only leave you broken & alone when you have nothing left.

It would mean so much if I could hear certain words,  but we don’t always get what we want, right?

Sadly, it is because of these things in life that I trust no one. People like this have almost completely ruined my ability to trust others. I need to stop writing now… yikes…

 

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Down The Tree

Down the Tree
 
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I stood in the dark
In the shadows
As to not be seen
Quiet as a mouse
Still as the dead
 
It creeped slowly
Down the tree
To the ground
My memories falling
With them
Also making no such sound
 
This feeling I know
Quite well to be exact
Something dark
Inside of me
Taunting as I try to breathe
 
I find myself watching
Visions of my life’s
Moments
Playing out
Right in front of my eyes
 
I stand against the tree
My shame
Falling all around me
Slithering
Down the tree
Every single memory
 
What brought me here
To remember things like this
Why the lesson
As if my mind ever forgets
My mind has its regrets
 
I have forsaken my soul
I cry out from underneath
The brittle branches
I am sorry, you see
What more do you want from me?
 
I have lost
And it hurts so bad
Nothing will ever replace him
He is gone
I will be forever sad
 
Underneath this tree
I confessed my sins
I cried for my weaknesses
I admit my shame
I hold its bark, like it is all I have left
 
Somehow
At the bottom of the tree
I came here to remember
What it feels like
To be me
 
~ J. Lefever ~
(04/02/13)
 
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