The Gift of Sight … & Other Mindless Ramblings

2a6c6860d077ba0224be74a37918cf2d

The Gift of Sight … & Other Mindless Ramblings

Today I read a story …

I just read a blog post about a man who needs to get glasses for the first time in his life. I read it, it was a cute, little life story. Not HUGE, or pivotal in any way. Nor was it too sad or incredibly tragic. It was just, a simple event that has taken place in a mans life that is new and he will need to adjust to somewhat.

I posted in the comments about how it made me feel reading this. The writer probably could care less, but that’s ok. It’s interesting how writing a little piece about having to get glasses for the first time in life, when read by the many different souls & lives of others, and takes us all to such different places.

First it made me think how nice it would be to have ‘that’ to adjust to right now in life. I relate to this because I too have to go through this life adjustment, which is not a choice mf mine, it is a forced change. Some change is fun because we may choose the new thing in life. But then there are the other changes, the adjustments that we get, from life, in life and by life, that we have not chosen at all.

Mine is having to adjust to my brother being gone. See, my best friend, forever life companion since age 3 when he was born, my brother, my family, my only sibling, my blood, the ‘guy’ version of me was killed a year and a half ago. I am not adjusted … yet … don’t know if I ever will be. It’s the most confusing pain I have ever felt. And the life adjustment to not having a brother after having one my whole life, it is all I know, sucks. It’s so painful there are no words to describe.

I commented how nice it would be if I could ‘trade life lists’ with someone. I can’t say who cause I would NOT wish what I am feeling on anyone in the world … So really, I wouldn’t want to trade, but toss nice out and get someone elses, list, of things I have to adjust to cause life says so and I have no choice otherwise. Ah …

The other thing that this makes me think of is … because of my brother, who donated his ‘gifts’ when he was taken from us, someone who was blind can now see because he was given my brothers eyes.

I cried when I got the letter.

Somewhere in this world, someone is seeing through my little brothers eyes. It is a beautiful thing, a rare and precious gift to give and to be given, and It is also very sad and weird.

People get lost in their own lives so much that they are blind and ignorant to some of the people who may be ‘surviving’ right along with them.  I walk this world and I bump into people I know, and people forget that I have a hole in my heart, daily, that suffocates me. And people wonder what is wrong … Someone has my brothers eyes and someone else on this earth killed my brother and took him from me forever. My loss was someone else’s gain. For that I am grateful … but also sad for my loss … sad is an understatement … and I don’t care what people ‘think’ anymore.

I do hope that people appreciate their lives in simplicity.

Be grateful for having to adjust to wearing glasses.

Somewhere, someone just lost their eyes forever.

Somewhere, someone has to adjust to being blind, or cripple, or adjust to living their life suddenly without their dearly loved one.

This is NOT a message to anyone in particular either. I am only using the story I read, of the man who told about his life event of getting glasses, as the catalyst to what got me thinking of these other things. And how words are full of meaning … and so completely different depending on the person.

 eb292df035c105d1251d11220d2a2e09

January 2014

*Feeling very aware this evening.*

I have been so busy with work and life’s other things lately, that I have not written much on Tryst at all. I have not wanted to share too much these past 8 months. (Wow, that long) I am a free, light and loving soul who can’t just write and write about the one sadness that is plaguing me so terribly. Who cares about what I’m going through and I would not want to go back and read it again, so, yes … in my Tryst absence, I truly miss my care-free life I had when I still had my brother, but everything has changed. Everything has changed. I have changed. I am trying to get back to me … and people just do not understand … how hard it is … to wake up every day with this reality slapping you in the face and stabbing you in the heart.

Truth … it does feel good to write right now … regardless of how ridiculous or pointless or repetitive or redundant my words are … they are still mine and this is what I feel like saying right now.

***

imagesCA7G9C0Y

 
©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

ღ Heart Drops ღ

 
64797e235a0c591dcc0158964a921dc7
 
Heart Drops
 
 
 Suck in a breath
I choke for air
My heart drops to the floor
 
***
There is rain all around
Thunder deafens my ears
I’m down on the floor
I’ve been down for years
 
***
I can’t feel my fingers
Legs don’t seem to work
Pointless to call for help
Take this pain, it hurts
 
***
Don’t know where to run
I’ve been running for so long
I Can’t see the sun
Nothing feels like love
 
***
Wind hits my face
Bitter cold dose of reality
Bad always comes in numbers
I pretend I’m somewhere else
 
***
Fighting for the kindness
Losing the battle everyday
Family is a four letter word
I’ve got no reason to stay
 
***
You finally win
My tears fall from my eyes
Broken heart drops to the floor
Never to beat, anymore
 
~J. Lefever~
(05/09/13)
 
*****
imagesCA92RAD2
 
 
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
 
 
 

Down The Tree

Down the Tree
 
imagesCAEC3J7T
 
I stood in the dark
In the shadows
As to not be seen
Quiet as a mouse
Still as the dead
 
It creeped slowly
Down the tree
To the ground
My memories falling
With them
Also making no such sound
 
This feeling I know
Quite well to be exact
Something dark
Inside of me
Taunting as I try to breathe
 
I find myself watching
Visions of my life’s
Moments
Playing out
Right in front of my eyes
 
I stand against the tree
My shame
Falling all around me
Slithering
Down the tree
Every single memory
 
What brought me here
To remember things like this
Why the lesson
As if my mind ever forgets
My mind has its regrets
 
I have forsaken my soul
I cry out from underneath
The brittle branches
I am sorry, you see
What more do you want from me?
 
I have lost
And it hurts so bad
Nothing will ever replace him
He is gone
I will be forever sad
 
Underneath this tree
I confessed my sins
I cried for my weaknesses
I admit my shame
I hold its bark, like it is all I have left
 
Somehow
At the bottom of the tree
I came here to remember
What it feels like
To be me
 
~ J. Lefever ~
(04/02/13)
 
*****
 
imagesCAKJ9JNC
 
 
 
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 

Happy Paralysis

imagesCA1X1UBE

Happy Paralysis

 I am tired. Tired of feeling this way. Tired of searching for total happiness. Am I on a goose chase? Running around silly stupid, with this empty, black hole in my heart? While the angels try to tell me I’ll never be right? I’m paralyzed, stuck. Trapped in this place. Poetry stuck on repeat, again, redundant… Shall I surrender defeat? I’m so tired of missing him I just want him home, back with us. So, I can smile, be normal, happy again… Instead of paralyzed in… This same old shit I’m feeling within…

~ J. Lefever ~
(02/24/13)

 I am just… so… tired of feeling this way. I get angry at life, why does life have to happen. I don’t want to have to feel any of this. I just want things back to the way they were… the way they were…

 167829523583932813_VbTtb5rp_b

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Nothing, I…

Nothing, I…
This is a piece about a great loss… The loss of a someone… The loss of a soul
 391cb70bc4f98af54e433cd9b4acbca0
Underneath
This air
I’m standing
Alone
Arms stretched out
Reaching into the nothingness
hoping to find
Something to hold my hand
What is this
Place I have rendered
Myself in
Unable to turn back
Find my way home
Where is home anyway?
Unable to explain
The place I’m in
Unable to find a reason
To smile
What has happened to my soul?
Answers I need
So desperately
Yet I can’t find
Unhappiness has me
Paralyzed, Loss has me
Stuck, in this
Thick atmosphere
A space of nothingness
Nothing here
Nothing for me
Nothing to hope for
Nothing to find
Nothingness is me
I am nothing, I…
~ J. Lefever ~
Written when I was a little lost.
We all have moments when nothing seems to feel quite right.
As I struggle to stand up, facing the reality of my life’s greatest loss.
I lost my little brother, and some days, nothing feels right….
imagesCA4SJ09N
©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication